[leathersys]

on having a "collective consciousness"

[kosmogrl]

oooh I get it it’s always gonna be because of the environment I grew up in

[edwardsaidpdf]

Funeral, Phoebe Bridgers

[w-h-i-t-e-o-l-e-a-n-d-e-r-deact]

[systemspeculations]

Random theory popped into my head today.

I used to be very interested in the alters and wanted to know all about them. I even used to write prose of their inner world lives.

When Myde and Matt fused (the two I wrote the most about) that interest lessened. I still wrote a bit about Ed and Riley when the focus had shifted from Matt and Myde, but when at 18 Myde fused, I think my interest really just left.

I wonder if this was my brain's way of trying to distance me from the system. Knowing about the system so young (13) caused so so so many problems for me and I wonder if my brain was (quite belatedly) trying to remedy this.

Obviously this didn't fix it, only when at 22 I asked the gatekeeper to keep all alters away while I tried to fix our life (we were put into a less than ideal situation) which he did (but that was the worst move as I just made outer world life worse and beyond repair) and that connection has never come back.

[squishranger]

man i just dont know why im so afraid all the time (<- has the disorder that makes you afraid all the time)

[systemspeculations]

Being reminded of my age vs other people my age always sends me spiralling further into denial and dissociation 🫠🫠🫠

[animentality]

[swadloom]

STOP saying the otherworldly powers are corrupting my mind godddddd. You literally wish you were us. I mean us. I mean me.

[jaythelion222]

Being a system is like one day you’re convinced that your abusers are actually good people and they never did anything bad to you and you’re just making it all up and the next day your brain will randomly decide to bless you with the memories of the fucking war crimes your abusers committed towards you while you’re waiting in a Tescos parking lot or some shit

[faesaint]

DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018

[consecuences]

[systemspeculations]

The not feeling like a real person has been even worse lately :/ It's getting so bad that I'm considering telling people about it. I only have one irl friend and I don't see her very often but she's aware of the fact life isn't going our way rn and I think I may explain a little about the dissociation so she doesn't just think we are the laziest person to ever exist.

I would tell my brother (the person I socialise with the most) except he has a big misunderstanding about dissociation so using that word would be entirely unhelpful (actually the misunderstanding is that dissociation=DID which whilst being true for us, is not the infomation we want to convey). So I think we won't be telling him about that sort of thing (although I do think we would mention the amnesia around trauma at some point)

The past week or few has just been so bad for not being a real person and I think I may low key be depressed too. It was difficult the other day when England had scary council election results (although Scotland had v promising ones).

[cia-o]

felt ok but then remembered

[paperandpencilsandskips]

Disassociative in Dungeon

[paperandpencilsandskips]

delicious identity disorder

[systemspeculations]

I feel there needs to be some sort of complicated graphic for everyone to keep up with who on earth these alters are that we keep mentioning

[systemspeculations]

A week or so ago I was playing our old Animal Crossing: New Leaf game from 2013 (side note: I have been obsessed with playing the DS every night for a few weeks now I am having the best time) which has me as the Mayor and then had Livvi (a little I think may have fused into Dani) and Michael (who we think may have fused or is in the process of?).

The postbox for Michael's character was full (Pete the pelican postman told my character) so I logged in as Michael and immediately dissociated. For half a minute it felt like Michael was around. Fully actually Michael. But it felt like he was being pulled out or pulled away as if he had kinda fused but this was pulling him out of that. Or out of dormancy. Or something

And then bam out of nowhere, Jake fronts.

I think that Michael may have fused a lot into Jake (I had already thought that but this weird experience definitely makes me wonder even more)

A few years ago something happened that made Michael not want to be around anymore- it was actually something within the system and he really didn't want to exist anymore (I am not going to go into it in case he hasn't fused, and it was a very personal thing). So he stopped being around as much but that has made it hard for me to tell if/when he has fused or if he is just dormant or something?