I just finished watching the new episode of Grey’s Anatomy and I really liked it! I like the fast paced episodes and this one felt like it went by really quickly. This week’s episode was set entirely at Pac North which was interesting. We haven't had an episode like that in a while. Kelly McCreary's real life sister stars as Richard's niece Sabi who it turns out has a very serious heart tumour! Sabi and her Dad, who is Richard's estranged brother, come to town looking for his help and things go downhill from there.
Despite Sabi and her Dad's request for another doctor because they are all technically related Maggie insists on operating on her. Things go awry during surgery when Sabi's blood stops clotting properly and she dies on the operating table. So Maggie winds up being responsible for the death of her biological cousin who is played by her real life sister. Fun times!Kelly McCreary gives an amazing performance in this episode so props to her!
We find out that Richard is estranged from his siblings because they feel he always acts like he's better than them because he's a surgeon and that they only stayed in touch because of Adele. After Adele died they stopped keeping in touch and their relationship soured further when Richard was forced to call them and tell them about his affair with Ellis and Maggie's existence because of the podcast. Awkward. According to Richard his siblings said some very ugly things about Maggie and said they wanted nothing to do with him.
He stopped reaching out and didn't tell Maggie about it because he wanted to protect her. Although we later find out that apparently Richard's brother and Catherine keep in touch even though Richard doesn't so that's interesting. Sabi is warm and friendly and both her and Maggie are overjoyed to find out that they not only look alike but enjoy many of the same things! Which makes it all the more heartbreaking when she dies
Alex gets Maggie operating privileges so she can operate on Sabi at Pac North after she crashes unexpectedly. He really is a good Chief. Due to a miscommunication in the OR and Pac North being a crappy hospital Maggie doesn't realize that Sabi is resistant to the drug Heparin until it's much too late. Several minutes pass without oxygen flowing to Sabi’s brain and as a result she becomes brain dead. Maggie doesn't want to give up so Alex has to come in and tell Maggie to call it.
Maggie then has to come out and tell everyone what happened but she can't bring herself to do it. So Alex takes her aside and into a supply closet and comforts her as she lets her feelings out. Shout out to Alex Karev for being everyone's security blanket/person/human tissue on this show! It's not an easy job, it's not a job he signed up for, and I doubt it's a job he enjoys but he does it anyway because that's who he is.
This trait of Alex's to be there for people when they need it most is one of my favourite things about him and is one of the many reasons why he is one of my favourite characters. Maggie tells everyone what happened and its heartbreaking to watch as Richard and Catherine realize what's happened before his brother does. Richard's brother is livid and blames Maggie and Richard for not respecting his and Sabi's wishes. There goes that relationship completely.
Elsewhere at Pac North Amelia comes to see Owen to tell him she's pregnant and having a baby with Link! She blurts this out to him at work in a hallway in true Amelia fashion. Owen, as usual, is a complete and utter asshole to her in response. On top of that in keeping with the assholery Owen is then a complete jerk to his sick and frantic patient who’s a poor struggling single mom who fell down the stairs and needs both surgery and an abortion.
Owen has literally had the same storyline with every woman he has dated, been engaged to, or married since the beginning and I am really sick of watching it. Give him a new storyline or write him off! Also Owen is consistently a complete jerk to his patients who want to exercise their right to choose when it comes to medically assisted death and abortion services. In real life I'm pretty sure acting that way would get you fired.
Owen routinely obstructs the care of patients who make decisions regarding their life or their pregnancies that he doesn't agree with based on his own beliefs. It’s fine to have beliefs but they should never influence your treatment. I'm honestly shocked none of Owen's patients or their loved ones have sued his dumbass and gotten him fired and de-licensed! If it was me or my loved one that's absolutely what I would do.
Owen asks Amelia for her help and then gets mad at her for helping and then he screams at her and then punishes the patient which forces Amelia and an OBGYN to go around him to get the patient the care they need. The fact that Owen tries to force the patient to undergo two procedures/treatments unnecessarily makes no sense. It's cruel and illogical and would be impossible to justify to the billing department.
Amelia and Owen finally have a proper calm conversation in the parking lot after Amelia helps the patient and calls him on his BS. During this conversaton SHE ends up apologizing to him for his assholery. WTF? I agree that Amelia springing the news of her pregnancy to Owen at work was in bad taste but nothing NOTHING justifies the way Owen acted in response. They are not together. She owes him nothing. On top of that nothing on Earth justifies the way Owen acted towards his patient. Nothing.
Meanwhile Catherine finally answers her phone and shows up for Richard. He sees Gemma comforting him because she's been MIA and gets very snippy and territorial about it. Catherine and Richard get into an argument about what Catherine saw when Richard's brother interrupts and everything goes sideways with Sabi. Afterwards Catherine offers Gemma an accounting position with the Fox Foundation. There's a catch though they don't have any positions in Seattle. She literally tries to get Gemma to move out of state because I guess answering her phone and being there for Richard was apparently out of the question?
Elsewhere Jackson continues to be a complete ass to Maggie for no damn reason! We find out that neither Richard nor Catherine know that they broke up and when she tries to talk to him about this he is the world's biggest jerk. Also where the hell was Meredith all episode? At the beginning of the episode she leaves the house to go do something that sounds important but then later we learn that she's at Pac North having coffee with Alex. Was Meredith having coffee with Alex the important thing or did she do something else and then go meet Alex? What did she do after she ran into Maggie and Amelia? And why was she dressed so weird?
Hopefully we'll find out what Meredith did all episode in the coming weeks! On the plus side this was a DeLuca free episode which is always a treat for me since I find his character incredibly annoying. Onto next week's promo! Meredith finally has her day in court! Shout out to her long suffering lawyer! Haha! It looks like Richard and Alex stick up for her and Bailey has something more to say and is not quiet about it! Buckle up everyone!
Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez, BAU team, Tyler Green.
Pairing: Garvez.
Note: oneshot 86 in Garvez collection.
Legend: 💏😘. Song mentioned: Quando io ho perso te, Tiziano Ferro.
GARVEZ STORIES
Note: this time I have to put notes before the story. Because trying to fix the mess of 16x7 wasn't easy, as you all know. And I'm scared I wasn't able. Before watching that episode I had this dream with Luke that pushes Penelope for knowing how was kissing Tyler... I have to thank @thinitta for helping me with some particulars.
Another warning: this time Tyler is not just a name, but his part is really short and (spoiler) no romantic feelings between he and Penelope, I swear. This story is also a "long version" of my What if instead.
And there could be (for someone, not me) a possible Luke OOC.
SLOW BURN
This time I block, I block, I block everything, I block every memory in concrete, I block it and a tear stumbles inside an answering abortion
That voice she hasn't heard in over twenty years and that sounds so real. Penelope, Nina. Her body shakes, wrapping the single sheet around her like a shroud. She encounters no obstacles in her whirling. Penelope… It's mom. She's fifteen again and everything's fine, except that there is a really nasty guy at school. Penelope, listen to me, my baby. Your father and I have something important to tell you. She's scared, now she's grown up, she's about to sneak out to see that same boy, who now that he's matured isn't bad at all. It might be her only chance with him and she won't give it up, for the world. They'll never know. Then, that voice again. Penelope Grace, listen carefully to my words. The tone is no longer just sweet, but also authoritative. She stops wandering between ages. We heard you when you came to visit us. We want you to know that we are proud of the woman you have become. All the people you've helped… in the so-called real world, a tear rolls down her cheek. There are no hands ready to dry it. A wave of love and affection envelops her. It doesn't last long. But lately… are you sure what you're doing with that man? And here she is abruptly dragged back into her forty-year-old body. She knows immediately that they are talking about Tyler.
Even in the dream she is aware that he is not resting next to her, but on the sofa. And it's definitely better that way. Not even with Kevin she had spent many nights together, certainly not to "sleep" literally. It's a part of herself that she doesn't feel she can give. Or maybe not yet. Penny, you know deep down that it's not right what you're doing. She clenches her fists in her sleep. You love him? This time the word has passed to her father, with his innate and involuntary ability to make her feel guilty. No! She firmly denies, without even pausing to think. Because you're actually still in love with…
She wakes up abruptly, panting. She grabs her phone to see what time it is, but she accidentally unlocks the screen and the first thing she sees is a conversation. A text she had chosen not to answer. There are rumors that they could make a Doctor Who spin-off. Completely neutral, without mischievous undertones, without puns. Yet the sender had been enough to make her act in that unnice and almost rude way. She re-read it and it makes her heartbeat wildly as she puts head in her hands. Luke.
It was the last thing she saw before falling asleep. She whispers that name endlessly, careless that anyone might hear her. And do the math, come to the right conclusion. The sex with her was truly amazing, nothing to complain about. He couldn't say if it was the same thing for her, because he felt… very carried away and not very participative. But he's not stupid and, when sober, he also has a good memory. He immediately understood who the Luke that came out of her lips is, with such a desperate tone. Agent Alvez, the one of the cognitive interview. Which had helped him remember. And also thanks to this, they had managed to find Alison. Perhaps this is right, that the circle closes here, even if he feels that he could have fallen in love with Penelope, and even deeply. But he can't love for both of them and then… he feels exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. He knew it was morally wrong to go any further with her, but he didn't care. And now he won't be the only one to pay the consequences. Penelope will never be able to keep it to herself and it will get her in a big mess. She will lose her job. He curses himself as he makes his way to her bedroom.
The door opens wide. -Oh, it's you.- he seems to look at her as if to ask who else it could be. It's not even 7 am. -Tyler… we should talk.- he nods. -Possibly without ending up in bed together again?- even in such an embarrassing situation she can't help but shoot one of her jokes. He just smiles and waits. She leads him to the sofa. He positions himself at an acceptable distance. -What happened tonight was… nice… but we really have to cut off all contact. When they catch Sicarius- he notices that she has excluded herself from the speech -it could really happen that I have to testify and I... I can't lie, in a courtroom like anywhere else.- a sad smile paints on her lips.
-I understand. Really.- he tries hard not to touch her and to look at her as little as possible. -I don't want you to be fired because of me.- she laughs now, but bitterness oozes from every pore of her.
-It would also be my fault.- she allows herself a hope. I don't want you to feel like just a mistake along my path. You weren't just that and even if we never see each other again… I will always wish you the best, because yes, it's always been my gift, to see the light in people and sometimes I get to help turn it back on.- Tyler nods. He doesn't smile at her, because it's too dangerous. -You know, I was shot fifteen years ago- he opens his eyes wide, but doesn't interrupt her -because a bad policeman was convinced that I was on his trail, instead I helped the victims in mourning. However I'm telling you this because… I should have known what the risks are and especially the boundaries. You are not only a key witness in a big case, but also a brother who has lost his sister.- even Penelope avoids looking into his eyes as much as possible. -But it had never happened to me to mirror myself so deeply in those I helped. As if before you, I don't want to consider me someone grieving. As if it didn't happen to me, but to someone else.- she sighs. To completely close the bridges, she knows that she should also say something else... but she just can't do it. -Maybe in another circumstance, who knows...- but she doesn't know that he's good at math.
And he's already put two and two together. -It wouldn't have worked anyway, because you're in love with someone else.- she opens her mouth, she doesn't ask him how he knows. She simply nods, admitting, for the first time in front of a living being other than Sergio, her own feelings.
-
But I didn't understand, I didn't understand, I didn't breathe, I was lovesick
He misses her. He can't remember the last time they were alone, that they exchanged half a word, a joke of their own. Or that their eyes chained to each other, as they always have. It's been weeks, maybe a month, that Penelope has been avoiding meeting his gaze for more than two seconds and has only spoken to him to answer questions pertinent to a case. The rare times he has attempted to provoke her, he has crashed into a wall. Made of rubber, without actually getting hurt, but getting only frustration. Because nothing like this had ever happened between them. He has always been a separate discussion for her. The only one to be hug with reserve, emphasizing the exceptional nature of the event. They have been colleagues, almost friends and almost something else... but not even after the date, in the three years she has been away from the BAU, has there ever been such a cold and heavy silence between them.
Indifference. Yes, it seems that for her he has become not invisible, but… anyone. And he can't tolerate it. He'd rather be her newbie again than this… absolute void. Now that he was Luke. That he had gotten used to hearing his name come out of those lips. Heavenly and infernal music at the same time. And now she hasn't stopped using it, nor does she call him Alvez, but it no longer has the same nuances. Her tone is flat, aseptic.
It must be said, however, that he has also noticed a change in her attitude towards the other members of the team. Less jokes and smiles as well with JJ and Tara. Some interaction with Rossi extra work. And above all a submissive disposition towards the boss... who is however at the same time one of her best friends. So he deduced that whatever happened, it's not just about them. He doesn't know whether to be relieved or saddened, for two reasons. First, because that still makes him just one in the deck. Second, because she is ignoring or has forgotten what he had told her by giving her a black and white cat-shaped stress reliever. After all, only once did she take him seriously, even if it was circumstances that made him her confidant...
Today he has decided that enough is enough, the hourglass must be turned. Time is up. In short, yesterday he risked being killed for the umpteenth time and the only thing that crossed his mind was that he would have wanted at least one last word, one last hug from Penelope. That he lacked not only the woman he would have fully wanted in his life, but also his friend. If she decided that they couldn't be more… be content sucked, but this… emptiness was worse. And it didn't feel right, because he hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, he tried to call her, he looked for her in her office, but she wasn't there. Once upon a time she would wait for them until they returned, to comfort them, distract them with her jokes from the bad they had witnessed.
He sighs, one step at a time, without rushing, because there are only two possibilities anyway. Either she's there, and then he'll let himself open up, one way or the other, or she won't, and then fuck the whole thing. And he has a confusing sequence of events before him. The night of the date, the anxiety and expectations, the first time he saw her, behind a pile of folders, when he rang the bell and saw her on the video intercom and the buzz of people forcing their British accents, meeting Roxy, hugging, dancing at Rossi's wedding and party… and then, the day things changed.
She had arrived at the BAU looking weird. Guilty, but not in a derogatory sense. JJ gave her a friendly shoulder and maliciously teased her. Someone here seemed to have had some good sex. He had overheard the conversation of his friends as he arranged some documents from his desk. But, pretty much always, whenever he's around her his senses are partially alert. There's no way he doesn't notice her presence. It's like she's pulling strings inside him. She is certainly not indifferent to him.
He had nearly punched a hole in the declaration sheet he was signing. She had sex? He couldn't conceive it. He had raised his eyes unobtrusively, sensing her reaction. Yes, JJ was right. It had been a blow to the heart. So his feeling was right that in the evening of her stroke of genius about streets, she wasn't alone or even at her house, when they had heard that noise that was certainly not cat-like.
He had felt betrayed. Even knowing that he had no right, because they weren't a couple and she could do as she pleased. Despite all these beautiful rational thoughts, his heart had continued to insist with conviction that she belonged to him. As he belonged to her. Maybe… maybe she was going through her “Lisa phase”. He would have tolerated it. He would have gotten over it. If it was just sex…
The next day, however, that shred of euphoria was gone. Only the guilt remained. JJ had noticed it too and had gone to find out. Luke had assumed that the relationship, whatever it was, had nipped in the bud. The road was clear again.
Or so he had deluded himself into believing. But from then on it had been an obstacle course. And here he is, ready to knock on her door for the umpteenth time.
-
And I lost you, I was looking for myself in the remaining and tiny pieces of too little, of emptiness, of dirty happiness of the memory of the next day
Penelope would never open the door to him. Almost no one entered the former bunker anymore except her. Everyone had deduced from her attitude that she preferred to be alone when she was delving into the badness. Since the results hadn't gotten any worse, Emily hadn't objected. She too wished she had the time to worry about her friend but keeping open a case that the higher-ups had officially declared closed was a heavy enough commitment. Plus, she was convinced that Garcia was processing some sort of mourning for being forced to break up with Tyler. She knew something about sick relationships too.
Luke, however, doesn't have time to knock. Luck has its hand on it. She's leaving and when she notices him, it's too late. She freezes in the doorway. The man doesn't move back. He is really too close, as he hasn't been for too long, but she doesn't have the strength to take a single step, neither in one direction nor in the opposite one. So, they just stare at each other like two jerks, and she makes a second mistake. She allows her eyes to fall prey to his. The intensity of Luke's gaze shocks her, it's as if just a second had passed since the last time they found themselves in a similar situation.
-Penelope.- her name is a jab in the stomach that makes her stagger towards her cave. He follows her, saying no more, turns and closes the heavy door behind him, exactly as he had done seven years ago. With the same determined expression. -Are you okay?- it's perhaps the thing that matters most to him, but he knows that she won't answer him and he won't feel bad, when she turns her back to him and goes back to the central computer. He sighs and sits down at one of the side desks. -Could you deign to explain to me why you are avoiding me and even don't answer text or calls anymore, if not during office hours?- she knows that if he wanted he could force her to spit it out, but he doesn't want to use certain techniques on her. Show his darker side to her. Even if… could she be fascinated by it? It happened with many women, even against his will. Penelope keeps typing, indifferent to his presence, so he's forced to switch to slightly less elegant methods. He grabs the chair and rotates it in her direction.
Her expression is priceless. Super indignant, almost as if he had committed who knows what sacrilegious act. -I'm working.- she only says, but Luke knows how to dig deep and sees the terror behind that detached attitude. Is she afraid of him? Stakanovich reappeared and she didn't tell him? He just can't place such a reaction.
He looks for her eyes and catch them. A little satisfaction. -You know you can talk to me about anything.- nothing. -You forgot…- then, something clicks inside him. Someone has moved the lever from a dutiful coward to a cocky one who cares nothing about consequences. -Okay, that's enough. I'm not talkative type, especially about my feelings, you should know that.- even if she doesn't reply anything, she perfectly catches his insinuation, the fake doubt. -But I see no other way to unlock this situation. I miss you. Okay? I miss seeing you, babysitting Sergio, seeing you hugging Roxy… and our bantering too. You didn't want to try another path, and that's fine…- not at all, but he certainly can't force her to stay with him to make her understand that it would be wonderful, between them -but also taking your friendship away from me… it hurts me, because I don't know what I did, what I did wrong.- he tries to take her hand, but she slips away like a snake. -Let me make it up to you, please.- the tone of supplication, the look of a wounded puppy. It's Penelope's turn to blurt out.
-No, no!- she almost shouts, shaking her head. -You didn't do anything, you had nothing to do with it, understand? Leave me alone!- she tries to drive him away with a push at the height of the man's chest. Third mistake. Luke grabs both of her wrists, pulling her dangerously close to his body.
-I already told you once. I'm not going to leave you here like this. So you better talk.- playing the bad guy just doesn't work when he's with her. -Penelope! Please tell me what's going on and I promise… I'll consider leaving you alone.- he had to tell her the truth, because after Phil… he never stopped feeling guilty. He keeps hold her by the wrists. -Let's play a game, okay? I tell you something really big that I haven't told anyone and you open up to me.- he doesn't wait for her to nod or any other reaction. -Fine, I'll start.- he clears his throat. -Since our dateI haven't stopped thinking about you for a moment. And even before. I mean, I'm clumsy at this sort of thing… but I thought you figured it out. From the way I look at you, the way I act around you… God, I'm so in love with you, Penelope, and I convinced myself I was going to die without ever telling you. I agreed to stay friends, but I can't accept this. Indifference. It kills me.- her eyes become more and more lucid, it doesn't seem emotional, though. -I can't conceive my life without you, without our relationship. Perhaps one day you will understand how much you have changed my life…- and he lets her go, so suddenly that she ends up back in her chair and an immense cold of envelops her.
But at least she's not at all indifferent. She cries, making no effort to contain herself. -Luke.- this is a lament of pain. -Oh, Luke, it's too late.- he frowns, confused. Is she perhaps dying? Did she find out she has an incurable disease? Not even that would make him give up feeling for her.
In less than a nanosecond he grabs her by her hips, pulling her against him. -No, no, whatever it is we can deal with it together, anything, okay?- his hands slide over her face, which looks tiny. -It's not just words, I really mean… I love you so much…- now he has taken his foot off the brake, he doesn't even know where that pedal is anymore. He reads the same emotion in her transparent eyes and leans down to kiss her. But as at the end of their only romantic date, she dodges him.
But he holds back her hands, their fingers intertwined. -I can't!-she protests, desperate. He focuses on her verbal choice, because she didn't say she didn't want to, but that she couldn't… -It's too late for us.- it is her greatest admission. Was there a moment (unspecified) then, in which they could have been together? What can be changed, if she is now looking at him that way, making him feel like the only man on the face of the earth?
Penelope still loves him. It should shock him just the thought that she loved him, since until now it was only a hope, not a belief. But no, he's not shaken at all, because deep down he's always known it. Yes, they belong to each other. But something has come between them and she has no intention of telling him. -Pen…- he begins. And maybe she would have made it, she would have given in, telling him what she had done and really surprising him, because she felt exactly like that: guilty, also because she felt like she had betrayed him.
But Luke's cell phone beeps and the computer next to them starts flashing. There is a case and it looks pretty bad too.
-
And the last memory of a, "I love you too much" tastes like rough paper, a diary page… I dreamed about it, I hoped about it, I adored you but I just wanted to die alone
He was always said to himself that the hard part would be telling her feelings. Trying to express the sensations she causes him, aware that he can only get closer, because it's impossible to describe it, put it on written paper. Not even the best poets could do it. He told her, but he doesn't know that even in this he arrived late, he came in second.
How fucking she changed his life. Perhaps she no longer remembers what Agent Alvez, SSA in training, was like, tall, dark and blandsome. How empty his desk was. His apartment. And his life. And not only empty, but also dark. How many shades from gray to black, but there was no room for the other colors in the palette. It was much easier to observe the outside world in a schematic way, neatly dividing people into good and bad, never contemplating something in between. Never look into the abyss. Chasing, without judging, but also without understanding.
Then that call came. He had rejected it, like in other occasions. But Rossi had played his trump card. Daniel Cullen. The Crimson King. It took such a bastard for him to get to know what was to become the most important person in his life. Whether she wanted it or not. It wasn't all Garcia's credit that he'd turned from a lone wolf into a twerker at a co-worker's going-away party… But 70% was because of her.
She, the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that never dies. The smile despite the traumas. Generosity, altruism. With her jokes, with her every gesture, she had forced him to wake up. Life didn't suck that much. Maybe it was worth living it better. Sure, Roxy had contributed too. To keep him alive, lucid. But as much as he loved her, even she hadn't been enough.
While Garcia… she had been a punch in the stomach. A taser shock. And she had tried to treat him badly and keep him at a distance. Guess what if she had allowed him to get to know the real her right away…!
In the BAU he had felt accepted for the first time and free to express his opinion. Important. Useful. The fugitive team was just him and Phil, the other colleagues were... others, in fact. Collateral damages. He missed the chases and stakeouts, but profiling wasn't bad. Especially if he could use his new knowledge for… other goals.
But Penelope Garcia was a book written in an unknown language. In some ways it was easy to decipher, like realizing that she wasn't able to hate anyone, least of all him, just for taking Morgan's place. For others, however, she was as elusive as a puzzle, an enigma of the Sphinx of Thebes.
And she intrigued him. She totally turned him on: brain and body. Whether insulting him or paying him a compliment, everything was gold to him. Her sensitivity had then knocked him down for good.
In his time with Lisa, she had let him know another part of her. Paradoxically (or maybe not, analyzing it in detail) their relationship had grown a lot when he was committed to Lisa. The first hug, the slow dance at Rossi and Krystall's wedding… all in the shadow of Dr. Douglas. Her affection was of the friendly kind, though they never completely stopped flirting. But that hadn't stopped the love he felt towards her, on the contrary, it had increased it. It had made it more solid. From a crush or infatuation, it had become extremely serious.
So, they had lived a very intense period, where they had competed to see who died first. There hadn't been a winner, fortunately. And then, the third strike. Alexei Stanovich. She had finally trusted him, and she also went to thank him. He was so upset that night that Lisa got confirmation that she wasn't looking for. So, they broke up and he waited for his moment…
But all this was in vain. Because now he knows she loves him and she knows he loves her. But it's useless. They don't stay together. She didn't even let him kiss her. She continues to keep everyone at a distance, focused just on work. Only one thing has changed: she no longer avoids his gazes, as if to tell him that she hasn't forgotten, yet, that nothing will happen between them and that he should stop hoping for it.
But they both know that will never happen.
-
I block every memory, but I don't remember what the warmth of your hug is, I don't mean the thrill, the thrill of half fucking caress, I don't remember... I erased you who watched in silence the blows I took and there I lost you
Luke made a few attempts after their mutual declaration. He tried to persuade her to tell him what the reason was a new wall had been erected between them, but nothing. She'd rather see him sad and confused every day than kill him with a sentence. How could he forgive her? How could he continue to see her the same way? Tyler made her feel useful, but no one ever looked up to her the way Luke did. Not only as a deity, but also as the best person in the world. And she doesn't feel like losing his esteem.
During the lock down she believed she had made some progress, that the therapy was finally working. She had a lot to process, but she enjoyed her new life. Then two men had brought her back into the abyss. Luke, with his big eyes and a missing girl and above all Tyler Green, with his rage and computer skills.
And everything collapsed. She wasn't healed or improved at all, quite the contrary. Her life is currently a mess and it's all her fault. She prevented Luke to do anything, giving him a sop by accepting the date. The way it had gone, it would have been better to end his hopes immediately by saying no. After four years, she should have answered him with a passionate kiss or an amused laugh. No shades. And instead…
She had kissed Tyler less than a month after knowing him. That would have been bad enough, but they also slept together. And the worst thing, the one that made her feel more guilty, was that she had allowed him to see her soul. Maybe just because she felt she couldn't do exactly the same thing with Luke, the man she really loved.
Because she had decided it. Too dangerous. But dating a man, even if it was just for one night, had made her realize that there was an emptiness inside her, that as independent as she felt, she lacked that kind of presence. If she hadn't met Tyler she would have stuck with Luke's thinking. But to see many of his characteristics in another guy… it had been too much.
All excuses. She'd tried to do the right thing and failed on every front. The only thing she is sure of is that she will not repeat that mistake. She will always love Luke, silently and from a distance, hoping that he will find someone who will make him happy. She won't do the same.
Then comes the Day. It's been a relatively few months since the supreme bullshit (to distinguish it from the normal bullshit, i.e., the first kiss), as she dubbed it in her head. An incoming call on her screen. It's Rossi. -We got it! We caught the son of a bitch!- the man's enthusiasm falters, because before him is a broken family, not just a bastard. And the more he reads his file, the harder it is to just hate him.
Penelope nearly falls off her chair. She fails to participate in the general joy. She turns off the TV every time they run the story with Emily, Bailey and the head of the FBI. She starts shaking and feels like she can't stop. She feels the chasm opening beneath her at her feet. Her sin will step out into the sunlight.
So, she decides that she can't live in anxiety and waiting. She might as well destroy herself with her own hands. To confess. Maybe Emily will give her some extenuating circumstances. She goes to her office and only by looking at her, her friend understand. Or maybe she just guessed, but she feels the strong negative vibes about her and that what she is about to tell, is going to give her more than just a bad migraine. Her screams reach up to the desks. Luke lifts his head in that direction. -I'm sorry, Garcia, but this time I won't be able to defend you.- her anger suddenly passes and is replaced by a feeling much stronger.
Disappointment. Deep disappointment. -I'm fired, I know…- Prentiss stands up and approaches her. She tries to hold back, to be professional.
-Yes, Garcia, you're fired, but that's not all.- she almost laughs, because she can't conceive it's really happening. -Sicarius will not be the only one to undergo a trial. It would take me the whole day to list all the principles that you have violated.- the blonde remains silent, accepting every stab wound, because she deserves it.-Do you understand that if it turns out that an FBI agent dating a key witness, it will seem that the latter has been… manipulated, to make him say what was convenient for us?- Penelope falters, leaning against the door, which remains ajar. -The bastard will still be convicted, because luckily we also have other evidence… but the credibility of the BAU will collapse and the director could even decide to terminate the unit and send us around the United States.- Garcia hadn't realized the stakes. -I hope it was at least a good fuck.- finally comments Emily.
-No!- she shouts. JJ and Luke exchange a look, recognizing the owner of that voice. The man clenches his fists. What the hell is going on? They should celebrate. They solved the case of the century. -No, it's not fair that the team has to pay! I… will leave and come back just to testify. I will limit myself to answering the judge's questions. It was only one night. Just one!- a few words reach his ears. -If I was the only one to get to fall… I'd accept anything, but you all… please, Emily…- she's not sure she can call her by her name, nor that they're still friends.
-Holy shit.- the boss bangs her fist on the desk, dropping a photograph. The glass shatters into a thousand pieces. Penelope bends over, as an automatic reflex, trying to pick them up and hurting her hands. Prentiss blocks her. -Penelope- the use of the name ignites a miserable hope in the heart of the IT -I accept your offer. But- she holds her breath, until her head starts spinning -I have to be sure something like this won't happen again. So… the others must know it too.- she believed that if she would get away with it, instead she has to pay for her mistake.
She throws herself on her knees, grabbing her hands and piercing her tights and flesh. More bloodstains. -No! I beg you! I've already lost your esteem and maybe even your love... please!- but the boss doesn't want to listen any reason. She calls an urgent meeting in a room where no one can hear them, Garcia takes care of deactivating the cameras with a simple click. And she forces her to say it. She almost wrote her a script. Short and to the point sentences. Sharp, sharp as knives. They plunging themselves in the heart of her family.
Shouts, confusion. Well, they're looking at her in that way. As if they don't know who they are facing. She doesn't cry. She plays a role that doesn't belong to her. Then, the last word: -Goodbye.- but JJ chases her, captures her, hugs her.
-Why, why didn't you tell me about it?- nobody manages to extract even a syllable from her. Luke watches the two blondes interact, shaking his head. He just doesn't want to accept that idea. He was right, Garcia had had an affair. But… just with that man? The… bad copy of him? Why the fuck had she given this guy so much after just a month? And without ceasing to love him?
-I love you, Pen, please remember that.- it seems that JJ is afraid that she will make another wrong decision, definitive, however, this time. No, she would never go that far. Meanwhile, Tara tries to justify her, squeezing her knowledge of the human psyche. It seems that someone told Rossi that his 15-year-old daughter is pregnant.
-I know it's a shock, but we can't do anything but give her time.- Prentiss sighs. -And keep your mouth shut.-
She locked herself up in her bunker. She's gathering her things, living in deja vu. Wishing it was still that day. How many different choices she would make! She'd jump into the elevator with them instead of letting them go and throw her arms around Luke and not care about anyone else.
Luke…she tried never to look at him as she confessed. She partially succeeded. He was the only one who didn't have that look, as if he had contemplated something similar, but certainly not at these levels. And so, in one fell swoop, she lost everything. Job, family. Luke.
The door opens and there he is. Oh God, he's pissed as hell, but his eyes are deeply watery, as if he's about to cry. -Penelope.- his tone is dark. Only with suspects she has heard him talk like that. She's scared of him. She starts to vibrate, but doesn't run away this time. She will accept anything he tells her, because she deserves it. It's okay even if he now hates her. It's a strong feeling, anyway. -What the fuck did you do?- she lets him vent, curse, lets him grab her shoulders and shake her. -Tell me.- he puts her against the wall and leans almost against her. -I want to know what it's like to kiss him.- her eyes widen. She didn't think he could upset her further.
-But…- she stammers. Luke silences her by lifting his index finger until it touches her lips. -You really don't want to know. It will make you... feel worse.- he laughs, not a happy laugh. She doesn't fall just because there's a wall behind her back.
-It can't be worse than this. I want to know. I want to know what fucking talent this guy has to be able to kiss you after less than a month.- the subtext is clear, because he and not me. He reads the objection in her eyes. - Uh, shut up. I know it was you who kissed him first and not the other way around.- even worse. He squeezes her arm and that's how he notices the cuts in her hands. Most have closed, but one, deeper, is still bleeding. Now he's looking at her as if he's looking at her alien copy.
-No!- she denies, shouting with the little breath she has left. -One of Emily frames fell and I looked for…- Luke nods, reassured, realizing that she is telling the truth.
-Penelope, listen to me carefully. You will not leave this room until you have given me the information that I care. Am I clear enough?- so authoritative. Something melts inside her, a decidedly out of place reaction, yet she can't deny it. He grabs her by the chin, forcing her to look at him too.
-Uh… it was… we were walking and he said Alison worked right there, then we crossed the street and I had an epiphany. I gave him my keys and ran to the taxi, he asked if he could help and I don't know what clicked in me, but… I wanted to thank him and… I wanted to make him feel good… I don't know.- she closes her eyelids and squeezes teeth.
Luke doesn't let her go. -Ok, this is the context, but I asked you for something else.- he bends over her. Less than a inch between their lips. -How did you feel when you kissed him?- for a moment she thinks of rebelling, but in the end she gives in.
He presses into her cheeks, making her eyes open. He demands to watch him as she says it. -…it was… nice. It's been…a long time since I've kissed someone.- he doesn't seem satisfied, yet he should be. Nice is… poor. She would feel bad if someone told her that kissing her was only nice.
-Have you felt… butterflies in your stomach? Chill?- she shakes her head, even though he has a tight grip on her. -Good. And... did you happen to wonder what it would be like to kiss... me?- a first note of uncertainty.
Penelope swallows. -Yes.- she only says, letting her eyelids drop.
-Even while you were kissing him?- he steps on the gas, traces the border of her mouth, makes her lips part. She nods again and sees his shadow looming closer and closer. She has no way to escape and she doesn't even know if she would. For the first two seconds she undergoes that kiss that she had longed for, she first. Then she gets carried away by him and kisses him back with all of herself. She grumbles into his palate as their tongues struggle strenuously. Her hands also seek the male body, one on his neck and other in his hair. How much she's wanted to do this! Luke breaks away suddenly. If it had depended on her she would have risked collapsing, rather than let him go. -Was it like that?- he gasps, pressing his body on the female one.
-No…- she replies, feeling something extremely hard on her leg. She certainly couldn't blame him, given the state of her panties now...
-So how was it?- he nibbles her right lobe. -You know what I'd like to hear from you... but say it only if you really mean it.- she feels a wave of heat, from her hair to her toes. She involuntarily rubs against that bump in his pants.
-Kissing you was...-he listens to her take a breath, but not because she has any doubts -...a thousand times better... overwhelming... oh!- it's moving. She is sure of it. It distracts her.
He abruptly grabs her by the chin and sticks his tongue in her mouth with the same eagerness. Then he strokes her cheek. -You were very good.- he sees her reaching out to him, living solely to gain his approval and he enjoys having that power. At least for today, at least for a few hours. -I liked your answer, that's why you deserved another kiss.- Penelope doesn't move. -But… I want you to tell me something else. Everything.- she tries to plead with her dark and big eyes.
-Luke... there's no need. I'm sure that... with you it would be a completely different thing...- but this time she must have put the words wrong, because his expression is hard and annoyed.
-Would be? You didn't say will, so you think we're good? That knowing that you love me and that I love you, I can settle for a few kisses?- although she is shaking, something else emerges from the depths of her soul.
-Do you know what? I admit it, just kissing you gave me an orgasm and I'm not ashamed of it. But from this story I learned the importance of doing things at the right time and… I'm sorry, Luke, but that's not it.- she doesn't let him reply. He is so shocked that she manages to break free of his grip and gain enough space to breathe like a normal person. -I left the BAU, again, so as not to force Emily to fire me and I will have very hard days ahead of me. I can understand your... need to know the obvious, that with you everything would be... - he glares at her, she corrects herself -will be, sorry, unique, different. Even if it's not like you, this behavior. But I won't tell you about the sex, so you can take me in this office, in the middle of the afternoon, with a thousand agents beyond that door.- and that was exactly his plan.
He is reluctantly forced to agree with her. -Good.- always that rude tone, that sounds absurd, with her. Inside he is singing her the sweetest of serenades. -But I think I have the right to know at least how. Or if you prefer, why.- he doesn't need to add anything else, she understood perfectly. Luke begins to collect every item on the desk, handing it to her and helping her with the grave task.
Penelope sighs. -I think this will hurt you more than knowing the positions we've experimented…- she comments in a low voice, but not enough. -He came to me to leave me the keys and take back his few things. When he was about to leave, he turned away, like you did the time you found me crying after Spencer's visit...- he clenches his fists and freezes, away from her -and he told me that met me made him feel will to stay alive. It made me feel… good, useful. It moved me inside.- her predictions turn out to be right. The man takes her by the shoulders again, but by now she's used to it and she doesn't even flinch.
-I should have told you these things, not him!- he protests. -You are not at all aware of what you have given me, of the impact of your life on mine. I will never be able to repay you, in any way.- this time she has no intention of taking without replay.
She gives him a push. -Then why didn't you ever tell me?- he smiles, but without happiness.
-Because I've always focused on you, on you, if you haven't noticed. On your own good. And mine came on reflex.- she knows he's telling the pure truth. -Would you have ended up in bed with me too?- he can't help but provoke her, because behind the fake seducer there is still a wounded man. She's right, it's not the right time to take that step too.
-Idiot!- other shoves. -He didn't wait four years to take a step.- she accuses him in turn.
Luke opens his mouth and nothing comes out, then tries again. -He didn't have a regulation that expressly forbade him to romantically date a colleague.- he points out to her, but it's the wrong move. She smiles.
-No, there is only a precise protocol which advises against, to be polite, even just fraternizing with anyone who is minimally connected to a case.- he grabs her by the blouse, dragging her towards him.
-Ah, now you remember.- her hand burns with the temptation to slap him.
-You're such an asshole, Luke Alvez, and I'm even more so than you, because I'll never be able to stop being in love with you.- she sighs. -But above all because you didn't understand that you fucked me in the precise moment in which your lips rested on mine.- this declaration makes him completely leave that role that doesn't suit him.
He strokes her hair gently and even his tone has changed, it has become velvety, soft. -Would it have been enough to kiss you?- she nods, determined. -I wish I'd known earlier…- he watches her sadden, wither, because she's thinking about everything that's happened. -Hey, Penelope, my love.- it's heartbreaking to be called that, yet it's profoundly correct. No sour notes. -I won't leave you alone in this, okay? I don't even care if I have to move on another team, or rather... yes I would, but you are more important than anything and I've made an immense effort, to get to this moment, I don't intend to give up anymore.- she throws herself into his arms, holds him close.
-How can you not hate me? Have you forgiven me?- she asks him, trembling.
-I... it was a nice blow, I won't deny it, but I believe that love is seen above all in difficulty and... you are human, Penelope, you can make mistakes too.- this is the strongest declaration someone has ever made to her. She feels that huge weight in her chest, to always be perfect, always up to it, finally flying away.
It won't be easy, it will take time, but she's not in a hurry anymore. The fire between her and Tyler burned too quickly and it is known that in these cases it can never last long. The one with Luke, on the other hand, has been burning for seven years, nourished by patience and hope and will never die out.
And I said to myself if I fall in love, it will be with you
Penelope: Yeah. Last night... Was another mistake. Not just because you are material witness and also emotionally confused and I should have remembered there are lines you shouldn't pass... But also because I'm in love with another person and I hope right now you hate me, so it will be easier for you to forget me.
Tyler: I can't hate you, but this is the real goodbye?
Penelope: I think so.
[after few months, they catch Sicarius]
Luke: Hey, you good?
Penelope: Yeah. And you?
Luke: Yes, but it could be better. I hear you're leaving the BAU again.
Penelope: You don't need my help and I need to keep working on myself. I thought I was going good, before you came and took me in the dark again, but I lied to myself.
Luke: Uh, I'm sorry...
Penelope: You shouldn't be. I'll be good.
Luke: So we are not going to work together anymore?
Penelope: Are you about to ask me out?
Luke: Story repeats itself.
Penelope: No. If you really want to, just try. It could be a different final.
Luke: Would you like to go out with me, for a real, not friendly, date?
Penelope: No. [pulls him closer to her and kisses him] I will skip the date part.
Luke: Okay. I love you.
Penelope: I love you too, but there is a thing I need to tell you. You wouldn't like it.
Luke: Me too. You go first.
Penelope: I slept once with Tyler Green.
Luke: What the fuck! I lied to you and Phil about your reciprocal feelings.
Penelope: I'm not sure is the same. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore.
Luke: No. I just need time, but no. I love you too much and I think you're punish yourself enough. Can we just pretend that it never happened, at least for this night and dancing like a true couple? Tomorrow we will face it, together.
Penelope: Deal.
Other incorrect quotes
Note: it's the first time that I think I need to add notes to this stupid thing, but the situation is really hard, and I struggle to find a solution... Not sure I did, especially because this stuff has to be short. I also written a fanfiction about post 16x7, but I don't know if is better than this. I'm aware that some of you could not agree, but in my opinion Luke can't reject her, he also can't (or shouldn't) pretend is nothing, the right choice is in the middle. They need time. But their love is still there.
I take this under cut but I advise you that today and tomorrow I could make other stuff that contains spoiler for last episode, 16x7.
I know nobody will believe me (I hope at least @thinitta), but I'm not crying or mourning garvez, and this doesn't mean that I prefer what they gave us or I don't ship garvez. You all know I will until death.
Premise: I think that is good to have different opinions. I respect yours and hope you can do the same with mine. I'm open to deepen the question. 😊
Said that...
Okay, this was worst than a kiss. But, just for a moment, imagine the same scene, and especially the same words, but coming out Luke mouth and not Tyler's. It would have been perfect.
I mean, for me it's clear that seiing Penelope made Luke to see the shades, the colors in the world. I have this idea that he wasn't so happy to live, before tha BAU.
So, Luke should have said that to her. Tyler's words were deep and strong. That's why they hitted Penelope, and why she reacted in that way... Plus... the guilty pleasure... I mean, Emily ordered her to stop any contacts with Tyler. Penelope tried to do the right thing, and then...
Good part: she would have able to do it, if Tyler didn't say that thing.
I have another thing to say, and it's even worse. I mean, I'm aware that almost all think that I'm denying the truth, or really crazy, or... let me say that my friends always tell me I'm a negative person (and each time I reply I'm a realist, as Rossellini meant). Do I look negative? I reached a point in my life, that no matter what, I will always search the good parts of anything.
So... in more than one story of mine I imagined a dialogue between Pen and Luke, about... sex. The fact, after Lisa, he wasn't... dry, while I thought Penelope was. And this thing scared her even more, about considering dating him. Just in my FF. So, the fact she made it...
I don't like it, but I can still see the light in the tunnel. I will, until I hear Penelope saying "I'm in love with you" or similar declarations. Sex is just sex. Deep love is another thing. You really think someone can't make sex with a man and still be in love with another? Is this correct or right? No. But it happens.
As the protagonist of a French movie that I studied for an exam said there (Journal d'un curé de campagne), how long was the trip I have to face, to finally meet you! Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find where you truly belong...
Already said that: Luke needed Lisa and maybe Penelope needed Tyler.
Okay, I lied, I have two other things to spit out.
I think that the evolution of Tyler and Garcia relationship is not just forced and rushed. They (all staff) made it a big explosion. They did the exactly opposite in comparison to Luke and Lisa story. We saw her in 13x12, then nothing until 13x21. My opinion? The flames that burn too fast, don't last long. For garvez was the opposite: they are flames that burn slowly, and will never be exthinguished (oh damn, such a perfect title for a fic).
Last thing: Emily was so right. And we, I mean, the viewers and also the writers, can't forget that there is a big case at stake. Penelope will never be able to manage a such situation. They will find Sicarius, one day, and there will be a process. If Penelope really wants Tyler, she has to wait. She would not be the first, that have to make such sacrifice and will not be the last.
Bonus: a garvez little thing I saw during the episode: Luke looks at her when Emily calls him to duty, before leaving. I expected more and more from Aisha...
No, no, one last thing: the title of the episode. So perfect for the situation. What doesn't kill you... makes you stronger. I focus on the second part.
idk if this is me being delusional but I always pay attention to music that is played during scenes in movies/tv. I think the song that was used during the end credits was intentionally used. the lyrics used state that the person doesn't necessarily want a relationship with the other person. I think penelope may treat tyler like her past relationships. nothing serious or long term just having her fun.
I assume, as she was flippant, not loving, but I still hate it and know this one in particular is ooc for her. They even go over the reason why. Like it could seriously fuck over the team AND THE FAMILIES OF THE VICTIMS AND THE VICTIMS when it comes to trial, but no, she does not care about getting a killer locked up, she just cares about stuffing a hole (in her heart, in her soul, in between her legs however you wanna see it). Cool.
"Nobody ever tells you how good nerds are in bed."
What was the point of this line? For us to infer she slept with Luke and it wasn't good?
There is so much going on on the sideline this season left unexplained and just tossed around I'm mad.
"I told you the new "back at the BAU" me was more impulsive and committed to pleasure."
Really? When did this happen? And why was that line immediately followed up by Emily with "when two agents date" ? Are she and Luke in an open relationship now that she's back?
I talked last week about how counselor Penelope would not do this and Emily basically tells her the same thing. This just feels weird.
