Abu Darda, sahabat besar itu pernah berkata, "tiga alamat orang bodoh; suka takjub dengan diri sendiri dan banyak hal, suka berpikir apa-apa yang sebenarnya tidak untuk dipikirkan, dan memerintah manusia tapi ia sendiri melanggarnya."
Ada lagi satu kata mutiara berujar, "siapa yang mengenal dirinya, ia akan mengenal Tuhannya." Itu memang bukan hadits, tapi dikatakan oleh banyak ahli hikmah, di antaranya Yahya bin Muadz Ar Razi. Singkat, tapi begitulah Ulama di zaman dulu, selalu bisa meringkas makna dalam sebaris kalimat.
Dari keduanya, kita belajar untuk pandai mengukur siapa diri kita, tapi bukan dengan kalimat ini : "tau diri lah lu!" Karena itu bukan kalimat untuk mengukur diri, tapi merendahkan diri. Kalimat yang tepat adalah,
"apa yang telah aku lakukan untuk hidup, dan apa yang akan aku lakukan."
Tahun baru Hijriah 1441 ini cocok untuk membuat resolusi. Namun kali ini, hendaknya kita mengukur diri, bukan dengan memaki-maki keadaanmu yang sekarang, karena itu namanya menyalahkan takdir. Mengukur diri adalah: tahu, dimana lebihnya aku dan kurangnya aku. Yang lebih dilesatkan, yang kurang dibenahi.
Entah darimana kaidah ini, tapi saya setuju bahwa kita perlu menyediakan 3 porsi untuk mengukur diri kita. Kaidah itu, 70, 20, 10. 70 persen fokus kita hendaknya digunakan untuk melesatkan potensi kelebihan kita, 20 persen untuk membenahi kekurangan kita, dan 10 persen untuk mengeksplorasi potensi baru.
Hendaknya kita mengukur diri, sebagaimana Umar menasihati, "ukurlah dirimu sebelum kamu mengukur orang lain, dan dan hendaklah kamu menimbang dirimu sebelum kamu ditimbang", sebab "orang beriman lebih sering memuhasabah dirinya dibandingkan rekan kerja tamak yang selalu mengukur kinerjanya demi gajinya" kata Maimun bin Mahran.
Dengan kita tahu dimana posisi kita, kita akan lebih mudah menempatkan diri dalam manusia, dalam kerja-kerja besar untuk semesta.
Setidaknya kita tahu apa yang bisa kita perbuat untuk kebaikan umat ini, sebagai bentuk naik kelasnya kita dari memikirkan diri sendiri.
Hendaknya kita mengukur diri, sebagaimana memang Allah perintahkan kita. Dengan kamu tahu dirimu, kamu bisa memprediksi bagaimana masa depan berpihak padamu, atau berpaling, "Wahai orang beriman bertakwalah kalian kepada Allah dan hendaklah setiap jiwa melihat apa yang sudah dia kerjakan di masa lalu untuk masa depan." (Al Hasyr 18)
it doesn’t need to be eve of the new year for you to begin thinking of change. sometimes, the seasons aren’t the only things that transform. take charge and make resolutions, whenever the time feels right.
- talk to your friends. ask for help. don’t wait for rock bottom to hit you before you realise what you need. it’s not shameful or weak to recognise that you need support.
- find new music. music that heals you, hurts you, helps you through the day. music that speaks to what you’re feeling and music that talks of things you wish to see. music that makes you forget today and music that makes you think of tomorrow.
- bake something. the simplest biscuit, an apple crumble, a Victoria sponge. film it on your phone n make your own little bake-off in the comfort of your own home. make your haven smell like baking and you’ll start to feel warm.
- buy a dressing gown. know what comfort means and know when it has begun to be repetitive. notice your own behaviour and what patterns are damaging to you.
- write to-do lists. ensure that you reach a goal at the end of each day. if that’s as small as showering and brushing your teeth, then that’s more than okay. make sure you go to sleep feeling accomplished rather than wasting a day.
- don’t beat yourself up if you lose a day. it’s okay to bury yourself but make sure you find the light at the end of it all. find something to pull you through. a visit from a friend, a visit home, a concert, a play, a special dinner. something that means your days don’t roll into one.
- love yourself. love yourself enough to walk away but also to reach out. to build bridges but also to cut ties. do it for your mental health, your physical health, your future. don’t fear rejection but instead be proud for asking for what you want.
- go home. move away. change your plans. whatever the goal used to be, change it. you don’t have to stay on the same course forever. show people what you can do but impress yourself first. you’re with you for your whole life.
I figured i would post this now. Think its good to go over what my goals last year were and how i did. I didnt do too well, but thats okay. I actually had these all saved on my phone along with monthy goals. Those normally sucked too.
Looking over these, yes, i didnt do a lot of them. I also felt like i acheived more than i thought i did. These will also lead into my 2020 goals.
Resolutions
Meditate multiple times a week ❌
Exercise 3 times a week❌
Log food and water everyday❌
No more gluten❌
No more buying bath bombs. Make your own. ✔
No eating out/ordering lunch❌
Do more arts and crafts. ✔
Quit smoking❌
No electronics before bed❌
GOALS
Read 15 books❌
Pay off hospital bills ✔
Save $1000 ✔
Lose 30lbs - start 190? End at 177. -23lbs
EXTRA
Got new job - yay more money
The food related ones werent so good. I am going to try harder in 2020 with them. I am going to take them slow. I know if i just try to cut things out, it will lead to a bing. I wanted to lose 30lbs, i didnt. But i was close. I lost -23lbs. I learned that i will now have to really try to lose weight. It will no longer just melt off me.
I think i did alright with self care. I have been doing more arts and crafts. Not only with arts and crafts, but ive been doing more puzzles as well. I know i need to make my brain strong and i know doing different mind puzzles will help me out.
Im proud of myself with money. I stopped buying bathbombs. I stopped buying lunch all the time. I managed to pay off like $3000 in medical bills and i managed to have $1000 in my savings account. I ended with $1330 in it.
Read books that I’ve owned for over a year (Beat the Backlist 2019) - I managed to cross 32 books off this list. Some where DNFs and some I ended up just unhauling, but I finally managed to put a fairly sizeable dent in the number of books I’ve owned for an embarrassingly long time without reading
Branch out more - read more non-fiction and poetry - I didn’t read quite as much as I’d hoped, but I read more than I usually would have
Finish/catch up on some of the series I started years ago - I finally completed my favourite trilogy!!
Be more involved in booklr (talk/participate more often) - I participated in a couple of readathons, made an effort to reply more to other people’s posts, and started Chain Recs
Personal Resolutions
Take better care of myself (physically and mentally) - I finally had therapy
Stop making my hobbies into chores - I think I’m doing better with this, but I slip up sometimes
Help out more around the house - I have my own flat now so I have to do this whether I like it or not
Try to get back into writing - nope
Use up some of my skincare stuff before buying more - I did pretty well, but then got a load of nice skincare stuff for Christmas and I’m probably back to where I started
Be kinder to myself - I’m getting there. Therapy helped a lot
Day 2152 - I stayed more in touch with my 2019 resolutions than I have for any previous year and I’m most proud of my efforts to transition to a more vegetarian diet. 69.4% of the meals I tracked this year were vegetarian and for 2020 I’m aiming to make that 75-80%.
After last year’s pretty triumphant sweep, this year was twice as hard, I think, and really tested me. Being sick (and still being sick, still waiting for surgery, still wondering if I’ll ever not be sick again even after all this) has been a challenge I didn’t see coming and didn’t know how to handle, and which is weighing on me going forward. But there was still a lot this year that was great and that I want to celebrate, so here it is: 2019 was Still Pretty Good, and Here’s Why.
got knocked down, got back up again: I’ve been variously sick all year, sometimes very badly so and for a long time, and that kind of trounced me and was super awful BUT I got better (emotionally and socially speaking) and was able to turn things around and get some help with pain management and everything and I’m a lot happier now than I was earlier in the year and despite my worries, I’m optimistic about recovery
first major publication: the book I’ve been editing for the last two years or whatever is now a real physical thing people can and will read and I’m in it as editor and that’s really cool and makes me excited about the potential of making a career out of this kind of thing
still have a super cool great girlfriend: it’s two years begin together in March, which is wild, and frankly I’m the luckiest boy in the world and I love her and I’m so happy with her and maybe the wildest part of it all is I genuinely couldn’t imagine sharing this kind of happiness with a person even three years ago. It was beyond comprehension.
wrote a Dread game: it’s nearly entirely finished (only final touches left) and it’s Actually Pretty Cool, and I’m excited to have a chance to inflict it on play it with some friends in the New Year. I’ve got a real thirst to create more of this kind of content.
use AO3 more: this was one of my resolutions for this year and I would say I knocked this one out of the park most thoroughly of all! I’ve posted something like ten stories since the middle of this year, including some longer pieces and one full on bit of smut (for the first time), and people actually like all of it, which I’m loving. It’s really improved my confidence re: posting things I write, and I’m super keen to create more because of such a warm reception.
someone did art of my writing: kind of ditto above but how cool! I’m thrilled about it. I realised only yesterday that someone else also did art, so that’s two whole arts inspired by stuff I wrote, which is rocking my world right now.
learned some cool new card tricks: I really want to make this a regular thing I do, but some is better than none, so I’m happy. It’s so fun being able to do tricks for people.
left bad relationships: this year I made the decision to leave two (2) significant relationships that were really not good for me. It was hard to do, and sometimes still very hard, but there’s no doubt at all in my mind that it was the right choice and a healthy choice for me. I’ve been a lot better off for not having those people in my life anymore and it’s done a lot for my sense of self-esteem and general self-respect. I’m proud of making this step and removing people who didn’t deserve to be in my life and were taking up space my heart that is better used in loving people who actually treat me well.
got joy from media: I discovered/got into a ton of new YouTube channels and podcasts that have brought a weekly/fortnightly pattern of media to my life that I really appreciate and enjoy, especially when things were rougher for me and I was home sick a lot earlier in the year. It’s been really nice to make little rituals out of watching these with friends, getting excited on certain days of the week because of New Content.
a lot of personal growth in general: I like who I am, and I’m proud of how I got here and where I’m going. That’s good.
grew out my hair really long: and then cut it to a more manageable length when I got exhausted of taking care of it and also it got so long it being that super nice, lion mane aesthetic I so love, so despite the time I took to grow it out, I decided to cut it a little shorter and now I’m happy and have finally had that experience and know for sure this is the length I want it to be.
got myself a cool microphone: I’ve wanted to do this for ages and I finally did and it’s very cool. I also got myself some other electronics (i.e., new laptop for games and a switch) because I’m allowed to have nice fun things and I’ve played a lot more games because of it, which is honestly really nice and I’m glad.
saw Jekyll & Hyde for my birthday: with the actual Anthony Warlow in it! It was so good.
began to deal with some of the thesis problems I’ve been having: my thesis has been maybe the hardest consistent part of my life for the last few years and it’s been in my mind recently that maybe I should just quit it, even though I don’t want to, because it’s such a drain on my mental health and overall well-being. Actually getting help (asking for it, knowing what to ask for, following through) has been part of the challenge. But in the last few months of this year, I’ve worked towards some significant life improvements in this area and made the first major steps towards getting to a better place with this work (and in general, since the issues I’m having aren’t just specific to my thesis). I’m proud of that, even if I’m still very apprehensive about the future.
