Of course I care that my sister whom ridiculed me for weeks, months about my sexuality, who felt she was better than me, did exactly what she promised she wouldn’t. That my ‘friend’, although I always knew he was always after her, may have used her. That the first guy I ever ‘loved’, if it even exists or if that was what we had, is with someone else. That the guy whom I cared for and waited for and maybe even thought I loved, came home and basically rejected me, made up excuses which resulted in what he always claimed he didn’t want to happen. And now he himself is with someone else. I care that I am now in college, pursuing a profession I never had interest in, managed to pass my first semester of college but yet don’t know what the hell it is I want for myself. I live with a man that I barely speak with, that I barely know. It’s too late now. I’m afraid, I feel alone. I don’t know why I’m the way I am. Maybe it’s because of the childhood I don’t remember. With a mother who seems to have had all of our best interests at heart, but somehow it wasn’t enough, or in some sense she failed. I don’t want to say she failed, but in some way she has. Not only her, also my father. You know when people say you can’t fail if you don’t try, well not trying is a failure within itself. I haven’t put effort in much of anything I do and I feel like a failure. Pain and discomfort seem like the only things I feel and although when they look into my eyes and see nothing, deep inside I’m just confused, lost. I’m afraid because I just don’t know what to do. A friend of mine may say that the answer is quite clear, because my heart’s not quite with HIM, but it seems so hard and for some reason I feel… unreal.
