#a-spec things

[eeee-lye]

Ace-spec doesn’t include aros.

I can’t believe I still need to say this in the waning days of 2017, but here we go:

Ace or ace-spec is not an umbrella term for aro and ace people both.

Ace or ace-spec is an umbrella term for people of the ace spectrum.

Aro or aro-spec is an umbrella term for people of the aro spectrum.

A-spec is an umbrella term for people of the ace and aro spectra.

Please don’t conflate “ace” and “aro” under “ace-spec”. Aromanticism is a separate identity and experience to asexuality, and the continual conflation of the two is something aros (aro-aces and allo aros both) struggle with in terms of the validation of aro-specific issues and aro representation.

Asexual spaces, communities and conversations seldom centre our needs as aros. At best, the aro part of aro-ace is subsumed under the asexual experience, acknowledged here and there but never treated as its own distinct identity with its own experiences and challenges. This doesn’t support many ace-spec aros (myself included) and outright ignores the needs and concerns of allosexual aros.

The discussion of aro-specific issues and representation here on Tumblr resolves around “we exist”, “we are not the same thing as asexuality”, “stop making aro-ace characters alloromantic ace in the adaptation” and “we are not heartless”. Yet, while there is little beyond these 101 level conversations, we need to keep on having them. In all honesty, I would much rather put my communication spoons to writing more stories about aro characters or start working on an epic “aromanticism, disability and representation” post, but I don’t yet live in a world where I can browse my dashboard and not find need to instead discuss the very basics of aro erasure.

If you are talking about issues impacting both communities or umbrellas of identities, it is appropriate to group us together. If you want to refer to aces and aros both, use “a-spec”. If you don’t want to use “a-spec”, say “ace-spec and aro-spec”. That’s all you need to do to avoid aro erasure!

TL;DR: “Ace” or “ace-spec” is an umbrella term only for folks of the asexual spectrum. It in no way includes aromantics and should not be used to refer to both. When ace is used to mean both aces and aros, it is aro erasure. Please stop doing this.

[eeee-lye]

This is ridiculous.

So apparently, according to the discoursers no longer bothering to hide their flagrant exorsexism, “Straight” now means “not being attracted to someone of the same/similar gender”. Anyone without attraction to someone of the same/similar gender is Straight. (Not het, but Straight.) Cis aro-aces are Straight. Agender folks (especially unaligned agender folks) regardless of their attraction (a-spec and/or m-spec, usually) are now Straight. All ignoring, you know, what “Straight” in terms of privilege actually means: “a cis, perisex, binary person’s exclusive sexual and romantic attraction to people of the other binary gender”, something from which non-binary folk by definition cannot benefit on account of not being binary.

(I’ll also note that it’s extremely monosexist as well, of course.)

It’s not like I haven’t been writing for months now about how exorsexist allosexism/a-spec hate is, but, hey, here it is. Peak exorsexism. Exclusionists throwing agender folk further under the bus in their attempt to gatekeep aces and aros out of our own damn community. Surprised I am not to find my one supposedly accepted identity discarded to keep the rest of me out. How long will it take before unaligned agender aro-aces are deemed as lacking in “inherent” queerness as cis aro-aces because of our mythical Straight privilege? Months? Days? Has it already happened? How long will it take before the whole “SGA and trans” thing officially becomes just “SGA”? Of course, I’ve seen het trans folk be accused - again - of having Straight privilege as a result of all this bullshit. We’re well on the way to “only trans folk who are SGA are queer” being an official thing.

(I do not understand how trans exclusionists cannot see where this is going. Of course, they’re usually binary-aligned NBs or trans folk attracted to someone of the same gender, that prioritised and cherished SGA. Can’t they see, though, that when unaligned NB folks, het trans folks and bi/pan/poly/ace/aro folks not attracted to people of the same gender have been gatekept from the community, anyone not cis is next? Can’t they see how regressive this is? We’re supposed to be moving forward as a community, not backwards!)

Anyway, this week I learnt I’m Straight. Not het, but Straight.

I’ve now got to find the deity responsible for my agender aro-ace arse and find out what the fuck happened to all the Straight privilege and safety I was supposed to get and didn’t. Did I miss a parcel in the mail or something? Was I supposed to go somewhere and pick it up? Did I not fill out the right form?

Oi, Dionysus, what the fuck happened to my Straight privilege?

[eeee-lye]

@transcoranic:

I’m not sure it makes sense; it’s just me being furious.

One day, though, when I’m less angry, I’m going to write a proper essay on how “a-spec” instead of “autism” undermines (and indeed tosses straight out the window) the powerful identity-first spirit of #actuallyautistic community conversations, because I am just so done with this bullshit.

*flails*

[eeee-lye]

Allies, listen up.

When a trans person writes a post about wanting more trans characters who have plotlines, character arcs and experiences that aren’t about being trans, don’t tag it “trans rights” and “politics”.

This post isn’t about our rights and it sure as fuck isn’t political. It’s about being treated in narrative and representation the same way cis folk take for granted. These tags demonstrate the spectacularly high degree of not getting it: you have literally turned an expression for normalisation, which is not inherently political at all, into something political by tagging it this way.

Wanting to be treated just like you isn’t political and it says something profoundly dangerous that too many societies do regard this as a political statement.

When an ace/aro/a-spec person writes a post about ace/aro/a-spec positivity, don’t tag it “discourse”.

Positivity isn’t discourse. We’ve literally reached a point on this site where anything that talks a-spec anything is treated as discourse, and given that the word “discourse” itself sanitises and excuses open hate, this is incredibly dangerous.

A-spec folk see discourse as either “hate for a part of my personhood” or “having to justify for the thousandth time why I’m part of my own damn community” and we don’t need that reminder of the precariousness of our identities here intruding into something that is literally meant to help us survive.

(Right now our identities have become discourse. Right now speaking about who we are means knowing that there’s a vocal community of people ready to negatively comment, harass or vaguepost in response, even if it’s simple positivity that has nothing to do with the broader issues supposedly being debated about - even though it’s clear by now that those broader issues are often the justification for hate. This is incredibly effective scapegoating - the act of hating on the subset of a broader community as a means of disguising and avoiding problems within the larger community space, creating an artificial sense of unity and connection via the bonds of hate - and, like scapegoating in general, it doesn’t require the participation of the majority of the community to work. That there is even the word “discourse” to describe this “debate” is frightening when you look at global history and the many ways hate has been reframed and labelled to justify it, especially when you look at where this hate always leads.)

When an ace/aro/a-spec person writes a discourse post in answer to the hate, don’t tag it “positivity”.

Justifying our identity and our presence in the community isn’t positivity. It’s more tiresome, exhausting work done for the new aces and aros and a-spec folk that come after us. There’s nothing positive about picking up a sword, just desperation and fear for a-spec folk, and people in the positivity tags are there because they want a break from the hate. A break that is a requirement to survive - the same needs had by any and every minority group. Someone in the positivity tags does not need to see a discourse post. They’re not there for that.

These are all things allies do and these are all things allies need to stop doing.

[eeee-lye]

No. Not a joke.

I’m getting really tired of all the posts that begin “Let’s talk about the Discourse” and end up discussing broccoli versus Brussels sprouts or pineapple on pizza. And, yes, while I expect this shit from haters and allosexist fucks because that’s another weapon in their armoury, this is intolerable from folk who claim to be allies or inclusionists.

For fuck’s sake, people are using the word “discourse” to justify and sanitise open hatred. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve read a “discourse” post by someone who hates aces and aros for that post to mimic language used by the fucking cishet Christian right-wing to hurt, repress and silence GLBP people, I’d be able to live quite happily for the next month.

(All that crap about sexualising kids if they learn about asexuality, so we must silence asexual adults and teens from expressing their identity in order to protect the children? Where do you fucking think that comes from if not from the alt-right? How is it not the very bullshit the alt-Christian-right spews about how LGBP identities are inherently sexual and we need to protect the kids from this unwanted sexualisation? It’s the same argument pointed at a new target by people who should know better, people hiding behind a flimsy shield of what about the children. A tired shield haters have retreated behind since day dot. Just the same as a-spec hate is regurgitated monosexism, exorsexism and transmisogyny, there’s nothing new here save the appropriate target!)

This is hate. Discourse is sanitising hate.

When you try to make active and vindictive hate into something you can mock, you’re telling the victims of this hate that their hurt and fear doesn’t matter.

You’re telling a-spec folk who are too afraid to talk about who they are or defend their right to be part of our community that our struggles and fears right now on this website are a fucking joke so you can talk about fucking pineapple on pizza.

You’re a terrible fucking ally and you need to stop.

Discourse isn’t funny. Discourse isn’t something we get to mock because it’s a minor intracommunity spat. Discourse is vindictive hate. Discourse is or will be contributing to mental illness, self-harm and suicide amongst a-specs. Discourse is silencing a-specs by teaching us it is shameful to be who we are and wrong to expect community inclusion because of it, even though this entire discourse proves that we too are very much targets of hate. When I see the word “discourse”, I don’t laugh. I sigh and shudder because here we go again: I’m once again reminded that by daring to voice where I am on the asexual and aromantic spectra here on Tumblr, I’m seen as less queer, less deserving of being my whole self in the community, less safe, less assured of not being misgendered. Doesn’t matter that I’ve been in this community for ten years; I’m now less deserving. I sigh and shudder because I wonder what this is going to do, if it goes on much longer, to a whole generation of a-specs, and that breaks my heart, it truly does. How the fuck have we not learnt from all the hate we have experienced, the hate that has killed us? How the fuck is this funny?

Talk about broccoli versus sprouts, sure.

But don’t you fucking dare label it discourse.

[eeee-lye]

[image description: two bead ring necklaces. The left hand necklace features beads arranged in colours of the a-spec pride flag strung onto a split ring and connected by four chain loops to a rubber black necklace cord. The right hand necklace features beads arranged in colours of the grey-ace pride flag strung onto a split ring and connected by four chain loops to a faux-leather braided black necklace cord.]

I made two more bead ring necklaces yesterday, using my (very small) stock of grey pony beads: a-spec pride and grey-ace pride.

I really need to get my hands on fancier grey pony beads. I have them in glittery, pearl and metallic in every colour for every pride relevant to me (and many more) but grey. I’m having to use these cheap pony beads, which are okay, but not as nice as the ones pictured here or in my tutorial. My aro, grey-ace and a-spec pride should be as pretty as the rest of my pride!

[eeee-lye]

Because I keep seeing this

An ace-spec person can be gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly without being gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly romantic.

An aro-spec person can be gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly without being gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly sexual.

Demi/grey-ace and demi/grey-aro identities exist.

(Not to mention alterous attraction and platonic relationships! Are we really going to say that an aro-ace woman in a QPR with another woman and only interested in QPRs with other women isn’t a lesbian if that’s how she identifies herself?*)

Can we please stop only validating one’s gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly-ness in ace-spec and aro-spec people by assuming it must only belong to the other side of the split attraction model? Because it invalidates greys, demis and other ace-spec/aro-spec people, especially those of us with different relationships to our sexual and romantic identities or alterous attraction, and I’m pretty tired of that. We need validation too!

Signed,

Your local grey-ace aro pan, who isn’t panromantic, is grey-ace and is still pan.

* Well, knowing Tumblr and its rampant allosexism, probably. Sigh.

[eeee-lye]

I happened across the term cassexual:

Feeling utterly indifferent to your orientation, as though it does not matter or is not a significant part of your identity. [link]

Definition: an orientation where someone feels indifferent to their orientation; believing it isn’t important. [link]

It’s not quite the sense of no-attraction-that-feels-somewhere-between-ace-and-pan, but the feeling that it is so much less significant to me as a sense of identity (compared to being agender/genderless, aro) leaves me coming back to this term. I don’t feel a lack of attraction as a clear, specific absence that I can connect to in the way I feel that absence of gender and romantic attraction. The only time I get close to connecting to ace as an identity is when people are being ridiculous and making ace antagonistic arguments telling folks not to write/headcanon disabled and autistic ace characters!

Except I can’t find any real information about it, in the sense of what people who identify with this word feel. I found the person who created it (and equivalent aro-spec and gender terms) but not why this word was chosen.

And the vast majority of responses that come up in Tumblr and Google searches are Supernatural related...