#actually codependent

[itspixthecrazybitch]

“I wonder how much love

It would take to make you hate me

I’ve got my hands around your throat

Tell me when you start suffocating

When I said I can’t get you off my mind

I meant that literally

I’m an obsessive trainwreck

Laced with codependency”

- lyrics from a song I’m writing about my fp.

[lamotriginejellybean]

I'm sooooo fucking jealous right now

[itspixthecrazybitch]

They don’t need to know that I have breakdowns every time we aren’t talking

[lamotriginejellybean]

Healthy relationship post: discuss boundaries with your partner. Me: okay but what is this boundaries you speak of?

[5-minutes-at-a-time]

SOME WEIRD GOOD NEWS

(for a change.)

I might be moving to a different city, but same county, in the next month, and it hit me that I might be moving closer to some of the ACOA meetings I was never able to get to before, on account of being an hour away, not including traffic.

If I move there (oh God I hope so) I would be closer, but also I double checked the map on the ACA website and THEY ADDED A NEW LOCAL MEETING AND IF I MOVED IT’D BE A TOUCH FARTHER FROM ME BUT HOLY SHIT.

This particular 12 step meeting is one I’ve been after for about a year, but was never able to go, due to distance. It’s what even helped shape my choices about moving and where I’d go. (ACOA meeting was a huge plus, maybe necessary.) I know it’s weird but I’m REALLY happy about it because I feel like I’ve made a lot of headway going to CODA and being part of a real program and not just internet stuff, so I’m really eager to work on this shit in my life, too.

And like. Maybe THIS is another sign to stay local. Cause they started an I-can-drive-there-meeting. Something really important to me. It’s weird. I’m happy. Be happy with me. 

[5-minutes-at-a-time]

I guess I should call them what they are

. . . . . . . . . . . I had a fight with my mom this afternoon, which then turned into my calmly apologizing for being a codependent foop to her, again, which she could not under-fucking-stand. "But sharing our feelings so we can do better is good!" Except we're not normal, so no, for me, it's pointless. It's like she was begging; any contact, even angry kind, is better than none. She repeated this several times. Even after maybe the most soul-baring, calm explanation of how CODA has benefitted me, all she had were rebuttles. Omfg. I'm so tired of having to repeat myself to people who don't WANT TO GET IT. Don't want to change. My mom especially. "I'm trying really hard not to step on your toes," she begged and she was crying, which made me feel like shit. I finally put a ten minute limit on our conversation. "We could do this all day; I explain and you counter it, and neither of us wants to do that all day." Which, guess what, MAKES ME FEEL WRONG. Guess who feels constantly wrong all the time? ACOAs. Guess who's an ACOA? ✋🏻 So is she REALLY an entirely clueless victim of her parents and this marriage and life in general, is she really THAT STUPID, or is she just REALLY GOOD AT THE MANIPULATION /NARCISSIST GAME? I want to fucking know. Either I let her back in my life more, like we were even two years ago, and claw my hair off trying to keep sanity...or I check the hell out entirely. Even though I got to the point, even in the fight/discussion, to confess that I was being codep and throwing my emotions at her and demanding apologies where it was inappropriate for me to do so, I'm sad. I'm so sad and mad and I all but said to her face that "this" is hopeless. Drowning myself in Netflix isn't helping. Neither is the fact that later tonight I'm meeting a girl I am so codependent on it's not even funny.

[lamotriginejellybean]

See i just need a girlfriend that has no pets, no real relationship with their family members and no friends that I could be jealous of.... Oh wait. I was already in a relationship like that and I was miserable.

Well darn ☺

[lamotriginejellybean]

Only a codependent would put up with your shit. Of course Im that stupid fuck