having. having thoughts about a post-bayd fic that basically forms an imaginary seventh novel because like. pretty sure the count is still out there. i could easily justify lorelei still being on the warpath. new villains would arise to fill the power vacuum casey morgan left. i actually need hitch to demonstrate some vulnerability. older ruby and co. past hitch/lb/baker (i don’t know if there’s Any demand for that but I Like It so). current Budding hitch/miles/blacker. maybe a Bit of del/ruby if i feel like it. more explorations of the fact that no one in ruby’s friend group can possibly be cisgender heterosexual. ruby actually gets comeuppance for stealing from hal so many times (because i think it would be funny). thoughts, thoughts, many thoughts
Okay, this may sound like a really weird au but imagine - a (platonic) Pushing Daisies au for Ruby Redfort.
Let me explain - if you don’t know, during 2007-2009, there was an amazing TV show called Pushing Daisies which was about a piemaker named Ned. Ned could bring things back to life for a minute just by touching them - if he didn’t touch them before the minute was up, they’d stay alive but somebody else in proximity would die in their place. A Private Investigator named Emerson Cod finds out about Ned’s ability by accident, and the two start working together - Ned using his abilities to revive the victim for a minute to ask who killed them/for clues and then touching them after the minute is up so they die again. Soon after, Ned revives his childhood sweetheart Chuck in order to solve her murder, but can’t bring himself to kill her, so he lets her live and hides her in his shop, the Pie Hole (as in, shut your). Another character is Olive Snook, Ned’s employee who is madly in love with him and deeply upset by the arrival of Chuck whom she presumes faked her death. Olive accidentally ends up befriending Chuck’s grieving aunts, Lily and Vivien.
I’d really recommend watching the show if you can, but there is a fair amount of mild body horror and obviously talking corpses, although the aesthetic and charm of the show is fantastic!
Anyway, I think in a PD!au for RR, the plot of the TV show wouldn’t really factor into the au nor would the characters really stay the same as it’s a platonic au - there might be romance, but not with the same ‘characters’ as in the show.
So here’s the idea - Ruby has the same powers as Ned and as a child realised the rules of her powers by testing them out (not through reviving one of her parents as in the show) and revived Bug, whom she can never touch again. Clancy is the only person to know about her powers as she confided in him as a child and her parents are absolutely unaware. One day, Ruby stumbles into what is most clearly a serious gunfight and watches in horror as a man gets shot in the chest and dies, his assailant running away with only a scarred eye. Ruby revives the man, who identifies himself as Hitch and while Ruby knows that she really shouldn’t let him live, he’s such a genuinely kind and nice person to her in that minute that she can’t bring herself to kill him - so she doesn’t (and one thieving Hogtrotter dies over in the alley nearby after robbing a jewelry store).
Hitch arrives at Ruby’s house after the Redforts have been robbed and pretends to be a butler, as he can’t go back to Spectrum without everyone finding out about Ruby’s powers. Unfortunately, Spectrum ends up scouting Ruby anyway and she has to work the case with them without anybody finding out that Hitch is still alive. Ultimaely, the plot would be the same as the books with only a few exceptions:
Spectrum doesn’t know Hitch is alive, so Ruby has to keep zipped about her zombie Butler/Agent while at work, occasionally slipping up and saying things that confuse LB and Blacker, things about Hitch that she couldn’t/shouldn’t know, e.g he plays clarinet to a Grade 7 degree.
Del is our Olive - the character who is in love with our Ned/Ruby and who is very suspicious of Hitch, this time not because of romantic rivalry (that would be weird and gross no thanks) but because she finds his whole backstory odd and his inability to touch Ruby - for example, he ‘refuses’ to rescue her from falling, his weird habit of saying ‘coming through’ when he enters a room with her in it, the fact that he sometimes wears a bell - is not normal, even for people who hate touch. Same with Olive however, she ends up befriending Chuck/Hitch’s family - meeting LB and Blacker and somehow becoming close to them - and believes that Hitch faked his death, a secret she only keeps for Ruby’s sake at first, although she warms up to the slightly eccentric butler.
Ruby uses her powers to help solve the cases Spectrum is working on and often comes up with weird, complicated lies to explain to Del/LB and Blacker why she knows the things she knows, using her charm to get her out of tricky situations.
A non Pushing Daisies plot point I want to add in is that LB actually isn’t that freaked out when she finds out about Ruby’s powers as Bradley Baker also had supernatural abilities. He recieved messages from animal objects that told him to do things like giving people objects back or going certain places, which he later realised were helping him solve Spectrum cases. When he and LB got together, he told her about it - side note, this is from Wonderfalls, another great TV program made by Bryan Fuller I recommend you watch!
That’s as much of the au as I have mapped out in my head, but I dunno, I think it’s pretty cute and I’m pretty fond of it!
See, the big problem with Hitch is that he talks a lot about himself, but it’s near impossible to tell if he’s lying or not.
So, I’m going to collect information about him from the books that I think is either most definitely true or could possibly be true. Any other information I’ll discount as a lie or impossible to tell if it’s true, and I won’t write it down. Reminder that I don’t own books 2 or 3 and there are spoilers! below. Let’s begin!
Look Into My Eyes
He’s first described as basically a knockout stunner who walked out of almost everyone’s dreams. And so was I just not supposed to love him? Unrealistic.
“But when Ruby answered the door she was surprised to see a remarkably handsome, rather tall, formally dressed man. He was neither particularly young nor would he ever be considered in any way old - in fact it was impossible to really put any accurate age on him.” [page 46]
He’s apparently a man of culture, because he instantly knows what designer Sabina is talking about in regards to her jacket.
“‘Well it is an Oscar Birdet, maybe they felt a little out their depth?’” [page 51]
While he’s obviously very good at his job, he’s not so humble as to not be pleased with himself. He knows he’s good at what he does.
“Ruby looked up to see the amused face of Hitch. He looked kind of pleased with himself, which irritated her.” [page 55]
He’s surprised by just how observant Ruby is, clearly underestimating her right out of the gate.
“‘I’m surprised you noticed (my arm injury).’ And he was surprised too; he thought he had concealed his arm injury well.” [page 56]
Even a man of taste can’t help showing off, and it seems like every guy with enough money lining his pockets likes a nice car, as indicated by his colour choice in convertible.
“‘Well that might explain the flashy car - he’s got this silver convertible.’” [page 62]
He knows a stylist?
“Hope you approve. Had my stylist friend Billie pick these things out for you - she’s good at that kind of thing. Hitch.” [page 81]
He doesn’t have a peanut allergy, lucky him.
“He looked up, startled, and immediately began to spread it with peanut butter. ‘Toast?’ he said.” [page 81]
I am physically aching with how much Lauren Child loves to remind us how hot Hitch is - give us a break, or else I might cry with how good looking he is. But just in case you forgot, let’s remind ourselves about how Hitch is the most attractive man alive! Also, he’s got brown or hazel eyes, Mrs Bexenheath hasn’t decided yet.
“Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see at what first glance she imagined to be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had accidentally strayed off the ‘walk of fame’ and wandered unwittingly into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High - so entirely out of place was he. However, this handsome man struck up and easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering if they were brown or were they hazel.” [pages 105 and 106]
He knows he’s so attractive that he can just make stuff up and like Ruby, he’s one hell of a liar.
“‘Well, it seems that your grandmother had contracted a rare but not infectious virus while bird watching in the Australian Alps - condition, serious,’ Hitch said, turning the key in the ignition. ‘There are no Australian Alps,’ said Ruby. ‘Well someone should have told your grandmother that because now look at her.’” [page 106]
Hitch doesn’t know shit about children or teenagers until he meets Ruby, and that’s a goddamn fact.
“‘Buzz, give the kid a little tour of the gadget room,’ said Hitch. ‘That’ll keep her out of trouble.’ He was wrong about that.” [page 110]
Now for the moment that made me think he was cute when I reread the books as a teen - he’s not above messing with people and enjoys a good joke now and then.
“‘OK,’ said Hitch, holding his finger to his temple as if he was channelling the information. ‘I’m guessing... chocolate raspberry, strawberry frosting, rainbow sprinkles - am I right?’ Elliot, speechless, handed over the donut.” [page 148 and 149]
And the moment that made me realise I adored him. God yes he’s very handsome and yes he’s got money and yes he’s a secret agent but I’d trade all of that, just for a guy who admits when he’s been stupid. And somehow he can do that while also having and being all of the above.
“When he (Hitch) came in he said, ‘Look kid, maybe part of this is my fault, I accept that, I’ve been kinda ribbing you and talking down to you - so maybe you and I need to start over?’” [page 171]
He likes some of the finer things in life.
“Back at Cedarwood Drive, Ruby went downstairs to find Hitch, who was sitting in his small but comfortable apartment, listening to music and reading some papers.” [page 178]
He’s a charmer, obviously.
“It occurred to Ruby that Consuela was rather over dressed for this task, the stiletto heels and painted fingernails seeming to be more of a hindrance than a help. She was also laughing rather too much [at Hitch’s jokes], that sort of random giggling that certain girls at Ruby’s school broke into whenever Richie Dare walked past.” [page 181]
I don’t actually think he’s assigned to Spectrum 8 - he’s apparently not a Twinfordite or based in California as he implies when he’s about to leave the Redfort house,
“‘What is it? I got a plane to catch in less than,” Hitch looked at his watch, ‘seventeen minutes.’” [page 294]
He’s got a temper on him, and can get angry rather quickly if someone’s done something stupid.
“As he drove, Hitch thought about Ruby. He was about as angry as he had ever been. What on earth had gotten into the kid?” [page 297]
He doesn’t like Froghorn a the beginning of the books and also he’s the sick in the stomach guilt kinda guy.
“Hitch was feeling horrible - the kind of guilt that causes nausea. Why hadn’t he listened, he never should have let LB assign that numbskull.” [page 328]
He owns a gun and I’d assume it’s Spectrum issued.
“You tell him kid, hissed Hitch, his hand reaching for his revolver.” [page 378]
I can’t say for sure, but I have this feeling that he and Nine Lives were kinda close in the way that you must be if you’re continually trying to kill one another. (I’ve always thought of her as being smart enough to be a Spectrum agent but always refusing Hitch’s offers to join when they were younger, and he finally gave up when she started recreationally killing but that’s just my personal head-canon!) Anyway, her death has him feeling some kinda way.
“(Valerie) looked up at Hitch. ‘You killed me?’ she said as she slid to the floor. In her left hand the diamond revolver glittered, a pool of crimson forming where she lay. For just a second the three figures were frozen. Hitch had so many times fought Nine Lives only to watch her somehow leap to her escape - wounded but always alive. Could it really be over?” [page 381]
Feel the Fear
What does Hitch fear? LB? Death? Bears? No. He fears the most dangerous thing of all - meter-maids.
“Ruby looked up to see a tall, well-groomed man in a well-cut suit standing in the room. He appeared moderately anxious. ‘Am I making you nervous?’ asked Ruby. ‘The only person making me nervous is the meter maid on 3rd Avenue where I’m double-parked.’” [page 26]
He’s a trustworthy guy, so not just all stunningly good looks then.
“That was the thing about Hitch: he kept his mouth shut. He had to: 𝘚𝘗𝘌𝘊𝘛𝘙𝘜𝘔 𝘙𝘜𝘓𝘌 1: 𝘒𝘌𝘌𝘗 𝘐𝘛 𝘡𝘐𝘗𝘗𝘌𝘋. as one of the highest-ranking agents at Spectrum 8, he was trusted with heavily classified information. He didn’t squeal for anything or anybody.” [pages 28 and 29]
He loves Ruby, most definitely, like some kinda surrogate agent dad but by god how did he end up here?
“So how had a top-notch spy wound up working undercover as a bodyguard to a thirteen year old kid? Hitch, for one, asked himself this question practically every day.” [page 29]
It’s implied he’s never worked an actual real job in his life - obviously or else he’d have the worn down look of everyone who’s ever had to take a job in retail.
“‘No Redfort, not really, at least I doubt it, but they might fire me.’ ‘That would suck,’ she said. Hitch nodded. ‘Yes it would. I’d have to go and get a real job.’ He shuddered. ‘I’m sure my parents would keep you on.’ ‘Yes,’ said Hitch. ‘That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.’” [page 50]
He never sleeps. He never looks sleepy. All a man born in 1930 knows is coffee, play his clarinet, not sleep, be bisexual, work as an agent and lie.
“Didn’t matter what time of day or night, Ruby had never caught Hitch unprepared, asleep or even on the brink of dozing off.” [page 131]
He has the dad act down to the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” voice.
“At that exact moment Hitch’s voice was the best sound Ruby had ever heard, even though it in fact sounded sort of furious. He wasn’t shouting, which made it worse, his voice heavy with disappointment, his expression telling her that at that very moment he wasn’t exactly pleased to see her breathing but was relieved that he hadn’t had to pick up the Ruby-shaped pieces.” [page 176]
He is apparently knowledgeable about French Antique furniture, specifically that of the 1700’s.
“Clancy led Hitch to his mother’s dressing room and Hitch surveyed the damage. He winced, ran his fingers over the wood. ‘Pear and walnut, made in the French provinces.’ He opened the drawers and examined their construction. ‘Circa 1727, very typical.’ He looked underneath the table top; found what he was looking for. ‘Surprising.’ Then he took a magnifier from his bag, held it over the damaged wood of the table. ‘A quality piece.’” [pages 210 and 211]
Listen, when I said he had money, I wasn’t joking. To misquote somebody, I don’t love him cause he’s rich, but it sure doesn’t hurt.
“Hitch took a fat wodge of twenty dollar bills from his wallet, peeled off a large number and handed them to the guy in charge, shook them all by the hand and watched them leave.” [page 211]
Hitch implies he’s attracted to women, but that’s not news to us because he’s obviously bi, duh.
“‘I think someone just tried to kill me.’ ‘You’re looking at the next guy in line - I just happened to be having dinner two blocks away with a very charming meter maid.’” [page 322]
He’s got a vaguely recognisable aesthetic.
“Ruby knew the Charles Burger, and upmarket burger grill place, with green leather banquette seating and polished wood tables. It was very Hitch somehow.” [page 366]
He can do parkour. It’s amazing.
“‘Let me explain.’ Without warning, Hitch ran. He was across the parking lot in the blink of any eye and headed straight towards a high brick wall - but he didn’t stop, he didn’t slow his pace, he ran at the wall and then up the wall, and when he got to the top... (insert long description of very cool parkour antics)” [page 372]
I literally do not understand how this handsome superman type of guy is single. How?! HE CAN JUMP BETWEEN WHOLE BUILDINGS!
“The crowd gasped as the woman flailed in the sky, and then they gasped again to see a figure in all black fly across the spotlight’s beam to snatch her from the dark.” [pages 478 and 479]
Pick Your Poison
Nobody knows an actual fact about Hitch and it’s very painful.
“‘When it comes to Hitch, I think it’s hard to know what’s true. You think you know him but, look at it this way, what do I really have as hard evidence? Do I know anything?’ ‘You know he likes coffee,’ suggested Clancy. ‘What I know Clance,’ corrected Ruby, ‘is that Hitch drinks coffee and a lot of it, but does he drink it because he likes the taste of it or because she need to keep from falling asleep? Well, it’s anybody’s guess.’” [page 31]
In case you forgot, because it really doesn’t get said often, Hitch is very attractive.
“She didn’t immediately spot Hitch. He was browsing chickpeas: a tall, good-looking man, wearing an elegant raincoat over a dark suit.” [page 60]
Dad jokes!
“‘Isn’t this a bit inconvenient?’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, having to walk through a store every time you want to reach Spectrum?’ ‘On the contrary,’ he said. ‘It’s a convenience store.’” [page 60]
This isn’t really a fact about him, but this part always makes me laugh so here we go.
“Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder.” [page 228]
The amount of sass contained within one man... legendary.
“‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’ ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby. Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’” [page 228]
This quote is pretty self explanatory.
“‘So who’s the Aikido master?’ ‘That would be me,’ said Hitch.” [page 250]
He does in fact like coffee!
“‘Same place,’ said Hitch. ‘I only told you Lucello’s because the coffee’s good.’” [page 348]
We get a rare moment of Hitch actually chilling out and eating food!
“Hitch was there, eating a Digby club sandwich (a Mrs Digby special) and he raised a hand in greeting when she walked in.” [page 393]
Even secret agents want their downtime, and are prone to laziness.
“‘You couldn’t fix it yourself?’ ‘Sure I could,’ said Hitch. ‘It’s a simple case of replacing the valve, which if I’m looking at it correctly is a 3/4 inch ceramic. But I’ve got bigger fish to fry.’ [page 394]
He’s capable of getting shouty when he’s being told he can’t do his job properly.
“‘You didn’t have any traffic,’ said Ruby, angrily, ‘you came by helicopter, and by the way I radioed for assistance more than forty minutes back.’ ‘Well, that seems unlikely since we got no call.’ They were almost shouting at each other now.” [page 476]
Just like I mentioned with Blacker, it seems Hitch contributes to some of the dark humour at Spectrum 8.
“Hitch: ‘You don’t have to convince me, you should see the state she left Baby Face in - or rather I should say, states.’
Delaware: ‘How do you mean? Where is he now?’
Hitch: ‘Well, he left his heart in San Francisco.’
Blacker: “His head was found in Monterrey.’
Hitch: ‘And his legs have yet to show.’
LB: ‘Excuse me?’
Blacker: ‘He’s a goner.” [page 503]
Blink and You Die
Both Clancy and Ruby trust their agent dad.Also, I feel like Hitch is actually the closest thing to a dad that Clancy has, because his actual dad sucks, and that just gets me.
“‘So you’re going to have to talk to Hitch. You trust him, don’t you?’ ‘A hundred per cent,’ said Ruby.” [page 96]
He’s notable for his on-time nature.
“She sat down. All the seats around her were unoccupied and there was no sign of Hitch. Mr Punctuality appeared to be late.” [page 103]
Although I think he might be lying, it seems like Hitch enjoys stargazing.
“‘I like that place,’ said Hitch. ‘The planetarium?’ ‘Yeah, like I said, I find it soothing.’” [page 108]
He’s sincere enough to convince LB to do things she doesn’t really want to and he’s got Ruby’s back to the end.
“‘Hitch has persuaded HQ that it would wise to keep up the survival skills. He seems to think you need all the protection you can get, and though you are no longer a functioning field agent or coding agent, after much consideration, I am persuaded he is right.’” [page 113]
He’s got non-verbal cues that indicate when he’s pissed off - they’re minor but they’re there.
“They talked together got a few minutes, all perfectly fine until Hitch appeared to notice something - perhaps it was to do with Froghorn’s attire, it was hard to say from this distance but Ruby recognised the subtle change in body language and knew that he was not happy, not happy at all.” [page 180]
He’s been seriously injured before in his life, and why was nobody paying attention to these goddamn children, holy hell Spectrum dropped the ball on this one.
“While this drama was unfolding, so another was taking place - the screams of a boy who had apparently fallen into the shallows, but managed somehow to scrabble onto one of the rafts. He had incurred a life-threatening from a fifteen-foot crocodile, but he was lucky - his cries had alerted rescue and he was dragged from the river before he could be taken by the reptile. The boy suffered severe shock and could not be questioned about the incident.” [page 235]
I think that his name suits him well, but jeez, imagine looking at your baby and giving him this name.
“The second, the boy who was almost swallowed by the crocodile, was named as Art Hitchen Zachery.” [page 236]
He is not immune to the upset looks of Sabina Redfort.
“‘I’m afraid I’m expected elsewhere,’ said Hitch, glancing anxiously at his watch. ‘Oh no, really?’ exclaimed ‘Sabina. She looked so forlorn that Hitch found himself saying, ‘You know what, how about I stay for the starter - it really looks too good to miss.’” [page 260]
His birthdate was 1930!
“‘Just how old do you think I am?’ ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘fifty-five... fifty-seven.’ ‘Kid, I’m forty-two.’ He shook his head. ‘Boy, never ask a kid to guess your age; they’ll always have you pegged at just shy of decrepit.’” [page 290]
I don’t even know what to caption this, except that he’s able to burst into hysterics. Also, he went with other Spectrum agents to Disneyland, which is adorable.
“‘Are you kidding?’ He began to laugh, really laugh. In fact, he laughed so hard that he didn’t look like he was ever going to stop. ‘What?’ she asked, annoyed that she wasn’t in on the joke. ‘That picture was taken at Disneyland,’ he wheezed. ‘He was made of rubber. Kid, you might to get a new pair of spectacles.’” [page 291]
More dad jokes!
“‘I’d love to, kid, but I’ve got places to be.’ As the doors closed shut, he called, ‘See you later alligator!’ ‘Funny,’ muttered Ruby, ‘real funny.’” [page 291]
While the revelation of Bradley being alive is a huge thing, Hitch still has time for sass.
“Ruby: ‘I’ve only seen two picture of Baker and in neither one did he have this whole wild man of the woods deal going on.’
Hitch: ‘You mean the facial hair?’
Baker: ‘It’s just a beard for crying out loud.’ [page 336]
He can play poker!
“By the time Ruby decided to turn in for bed, Sabina, Hitch, Bradley, Brant and Mrs Digby were settled in for a long night of poker.” [page 348]
The title of butler doesn’t sit great with him.
“‘He’s some butler,’ remarked Brant. ‘Honey, Hitch is a house manager,’ corrected Sabina. ‘He doesn’t like to be called butler, he’s very particular about that.’” [page 350]
He’s this close to dying and he’s still throwing out the snappy comebacks, what a guy.
“The Australian: ‘Of course. But try to refrain from doing anything stupid.’
Hitch: ‘What would add up to stupid?’
The Australian: ‘Any sudden movements; that wouldn’t be smart sweetie.’
Hitch: ‘I’ll try keep my nervous twitch under control.’
The Australian: ‘I’m impressed by your common sense.’ Hitch: ‘I’m impressed by your gun.'” [page 388]
He’s a real personality - the kind you miss badly when he’s not around.
“Thing moved like clockwork in the Redfort home, every household issue was attended to, and though no one was aware of it, their security was monitored and every safety procedure followed. But life seemed dull without Hitch.” [page 429]
He has a permanent scar from the crocodile incident.
“‘Wanna see the bite? It’s ugly, took an awful lot of stitches to put me back together.’” [page 509]
And those are all the facts I’ve found that we didn’t already know/ are relevant about one Art Hitchen Zachary! I omitted the other 700 paragraphs where we get reminded yet again that he’s very handsome, and still he is the most amazing man!
