This stared as a joke because of a anon to @inexplicifics and it somehow turned into this. So enjoy Lambert’s little rant on how to Court a Noble Human!
How to Court a Noble Human
By Lambert of the Wolf School
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Listen up you fuckers, you are in for a ride with the Noble that you have picked. This will cover acceptable gifts, walks and jokes, please only use this if you want to court a Noble.
1. Why a Noble?
If you are not already very fucking in love with your Noble I recommend running away, very far away. They are going to break down those spikey defenses you have and worm their way into your heart. (Yes you have a heart).
A Noble Human as your lover is amazing, they are sweet and you both most likely have a few things in common, one being your hatred for their King/Mayor. Fucking Redania.
2. Acceptable Courting Gifts
So you are now starting to court the Noble, well done on getting this far, now it’s going to start going wrong unless you follow this guide.
Carrying them around for a day! This is an essential step in Courting a Noble Human! Do not ignore it!!
A few acceptable gifts are;
Flowers, ask Jaskier for meanings
Outfits, a new doublet or skirt/trouser
Take them for a walk into Vesemir’s garden, Do Not Take To Merigold’s Potion Garden!
Talk to them
Recite poetry (a love poem or their favorite works)
As a final gift, offer to teach them dagger work if they like that does not work on all Nobles
3. Jokes around your Noble
You have got far! I am slightly proud of you. But now here you have to really be careful, Noble People are brought up in courts. They have not heard the same things we have so under no circumstances are you to joke about murder, regicide, the Trials, or anything along these lines. (Yes this includes jokes which aren’t really jokes that hide your fucking trauma.)
4. Making your Noble Happy
You have successfully courted your Noble, well done. But it doesn’t stop there. Nope. You have to make them happy forever now.
Some good ideas are;
Get them a hobby, sewing, reading, baking. Anything they like
Help them make friends. You cannot spend every fucking second with them so let them socialize. They will come back to you
Spend time with them. Teach them something and they will be happy
Never take them to the Still Room. Don’t do it, it will end in them being sick, wait at least a year until you take them in.
If you fuckers still can’t get a Noble with this amazing guide then you don’t deserve a Noble. Fuck off and go court now.
Jaskier wandered the cold corridors of Kaer Morhen; his steps heavy on the grey stone, he couldn’t sleep. The day had passed like all other days, they had food, he watched them train and joined in sometimes, they worked on repairs and then they settled in for a game of Gwent or a nice book. The same routine that they had every year he came, yet like every year he had an itch. One that only came deep into winter as the passes closed and the isolation felt truly real. His fingers wanted to strum, his voice wanted to scream out and let the world know he was still there, but he didn’t. His wolves were haunted by their own screams in the halls, he didn’t want to add his into the mix. So instead of screaming he walked, he walked until morning, and when they questioned him he shrugged and said he was thinking.
His skin felt like insects were crawling everywhere, ones that he couldn’t scratch off no matter how hard he tried.
He came to a stop at the bottom of a set of stairs, broken but still usable, he set up to climb them as best he could, stopping at the end and sitting down as he faced the window and watched the snow fall. It was silent, the white blanket cushioning the world around them, it made everything look softer.
He watched as the sky lit up, the darkness being chased away by the morning, and he sighed before he started on his walk back to the main part of the keep. His feet heavy against the floor like before. He didn’t bother heading to the room first, he knew his wolves would be up and eating their first meal of the day, so he turned right into the kitchen and smiled at them all.
Vesemir was sitting with a book and porridge, ignoring the three younger wolves who were throwing food at each other and laughing, it was what Jaskier always wanted. He still felt like he was missing something, just one thing that he couldn’t name, he sighed, resigned to ignoring the thing again and he settled beside Vesemir who raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything before pushing some food over to him.
“Bird where did you go last night? You were keeping me warm.” Jaskier looked up to Lambert and shrugged, the same answer he gave every time and the others knew they wouldn’t get anything from him so they left it.
“It’s a day off today, the storm is getting too bad to go out in.” Vesemir spoke gently, the tone finally and no one argued, but Jaskier perked up at the idea of having everyone inside with him, he liked a day off, they were all around to cuddle and hold him for a while.
“Can we cuddle at the fire?” Jaskier looked between them all, and he grinned as they all nodded -- even Vesemir did -- and Jaskier ate some food before giving up and pressing closer to Vesemir.
“Yes little one?” Jaskier flushed at the name and Vesemir dropped a hand to his side to pull him closer.
“Nothing, I’m cold.” He knew that the other’s could smell his lie but no one called him out on it when Vesemir moved to give him an easier time climbing into his lap. “Thank you.”
“You are welcome little one,” Jaskier pressed his head close to Vesemir’s neck and let the older man’s heat warm him up as they both read the book in his hands, the three witcher’s in front of them were watching carefully. Vesemir turned the page and Jaskier leaned up to kiss his jaw gently before reading the next pages with him, they stayed like that for maybe an hour until Lambert finally gave up and stood, picking Jaskier up from Vesemir’s lap and dropping him on the rug beside the fire.
“There, now Birdy you can keep me warm again,” Jaskier melted as Lambert pulled him onto his lap and pressed a kiss to his head.
“I like keeping you warm.” He turned around as best he could, kissing Lambert gently and letting the witcher take the lead before two other bodies were pressing into his sides. He pulled away from Lambert for a second to look at Eskel and Geralt with a smile and kiss each, “Hiya,”
“Hello Lark,” Jaskier shivered at the deep raspy tone of Geralt’s voice and laughed when the Wolf gently bit into his exposed neck.
“Missed you Darling,” Eskel whispered into his ear and Jaskier hummed as Eskel peppered kisses along his jawline.
“I left for a night my Wolves.” He heard movement from the seat beside them all and turned to see Vesemir with his book again, “How do you cope during the year?”
“We don’t. We miss you so fucking much,” Lambert pulled him back into another kiss as Eskel and Geralt leaned into him again, keeping him warm from both sides. “Now cuddle me and let me hold you,”
“I would never say no to that my sweet,” Jaskier let the three of them move him around until he was lying across all three of them; Geralt at his feet, Eskel with his back in his legs and Lambert with his head in his lap, and Vesemir moved onto the floor and settled on the other side of them all.
They stayed like that during the day, one of them always petting part of his body at all times, Vesemir feeding him as he sat in his lap for meals and then they all fell back onto the furs before they fell asleep cuddled close to the other.
Jaskier’s scratch to scream never left but it did quiet down when he had his Wolves around him, happy to hold and just love him endlessly. The wind howled outside as the storm blew past, but their little family was safe in the walls of Kaer Morhen.
Inspired by https://thephoenixrule.tumblr.com/post/621817193224667137/what-is-jaskier-had-tattoos-tho-magic-tattoos
My take on Soulmate Tattoos
When he’s born he’s covered in tattoos. People called him a heartbreaker all his life.
The tattoos go from a pack of Wolves, to a few Cats, at least two Griffins, four Vipers, a small bundle of Bears.
The animals usually stick in their packs.
The Wolves curl around each other and howl together much to young Jaskier’s amusement
The Cats fight along his arm. They knead into his biceps and purr when the fall asleep on him
The Vipers curl around his ear or neck and hiss whenever he is being approached from behind.
The Griffins like to fall from the top of his back to the bottom of his calves before flying back up and resting around his shoulders.
The Bears like to hibernate in his armpit, elbow or neck. When they are awake they walk across his stomach and play with each other
But they sometimes bundle up during Winter, all of them curling around his chest and sleeping near each other
The Witchers all share the same tattoo, and the boys who don’t have it never survive (blue songbird on their chest)
He decides to travel. He knows he’ll never meet his soulmates in Lettenhove. His parents don’t really care and let him go without a fuss because he was always a disgrace to the family.
He meets Geralt in Posada and realizes he is one of his Wolves. But they never do anything about it because Jaskier thought Geralt didn’t have a soulmark
They travel for 20 years before Geralt breaks. The mountain happens and Jaskier listens to the White Wolf howl in his ear as the pack try to keep him quiet. That Winter the Wolf wasn’t with his pack but on his foot as he howled at Jaskier
He meets Coën next, and they start a relationship. The Griffin sees his tattoos and stops, Jaskier gets ready to run, like so many times when people see his collection, before Coën whispers an invite to KM.
He goes. Turns out a lot of Witchers shelter there during the Winter, not just the Wolfs.
He realizes that the Cats are as active as his marks, the Vipers like their solitude but also companionship.
The Wolves All bond with pack piles usually Lambert is at the bottom
The Bears only sometimes visit but they did that year because their songbird tattoo was trying to tell them something.
Each Witcher traces his tattoo in Jaskier’s body and he traces their songbirds
Bonus:
When Jaskier is a bit older (elf blood!!) he gets all his tattoos to sit on his chest and he counts them. He goes over their meetings from their namesakes. Maybe one or two is grey and slower from the loss of a Witcher but he loves them and cherishes their memories
He sketched each tattoo and drew a picture of the Witcher it represents, then filled books of songs dedicated to his lovers.
What is Jaskier had tattoos tho? Magic tattoos, one for each witcher school
Imagine Letho following a beautifully detailed snake tattoo, a
I keep seeing Witcher!Jaskier’s floating around and I’ve been inspired.
Cat Witcher Jaskier! (This is long sorry)
Jaskier was a child surprise because a Cat saved his mother from a Wraith, his father tried to hide him from the Cat’s because he was the heir to the country.
It took the Cat’s three years to find him, he can’t remember his parents but knows they are nobles.
He grows up with Aiden, Gaetan, Cedric, Axel and so many more young boys.
Throughout the years he loses friends and has forgotten their names when he starts on the Path.
The Trials nearly take him, he remembers the screams and the blinding pain then nothing.
It takes a while to cope with his new senses and abilities but he masters them.
Aiden and him fall into bed together as a way to cope with their trauma and pain.
He doesn’t know what love feels like but he does know he trusts Aiden with everything in him.
He doesn’t cry when he leaves on the Path, Jaskier of Everywhere, School of the Cats.
His first year on the Path he finds a Lute and starts to teach himself, that first Winter home his masters laughed at him and burned the Lute in front of him
He vows to never let anyone take his things again.
He wasn’t in his home during the attack but he witnessed his family being burned when he arrived back.
He mourns them and helps set up The Caravan, with Treyse as the leader. He doesn’t travel with them much, only occasionally meeting them during the years.
Then he hears about the massacre, the fight between the Wolves and the Cats, he doesn’t stop running until he sees the Caravan.
He helps burn the dead and falls to his knees beside Aiden as he takes Axel’s medallion and vows revenge for his fallen brothers and sisters.
He leaves Aiden, Gaetan and Cedric behind as he clutches Axel’s medallion.
He changes his name, he becomes Jaskier the Bard, disgraced son of Viscount de Lettenhove. He gets a glamor and swaps his swords for a Lute.
He falls rumours of the Butcher of Blaviken, a Wolf. He vows to kill him for Axel, for Treyse, for his siblings.
But the Butcher of Blaviken becomes a friends, he becomes someone he can confide in, he lets the need for revenge fall to the side as he learns of Geralt of Rivia and not the Butcher.
It’s in his tenth year of following Geralt that he sees him again, His Aiden. And he’s walking with a Wolf himself.
Aiden knows him from the name and his eyes and they fall into the other’s arms while the two Wolves watch on.
Geralt leaves him when he learns of his lies but Lambert (Aiden’s Wolf who was very good looking) tells him that he would be fine come Winter.
Lambert leaves the two of them to catch up and tells Aiden what happened.
He tells him of the rage he felt and then meeting Geralt, walking the Path with him as a Bard.
Aiden tells him that The Caravan all thought he was dead, they all mourned him but Aiden knew he was alive, he just knew it.
He doesn’t mean to lean forward and kiss Aiden, but it happened and Lambert saw them. The Wolf almost ran but Aiden catches him and explains.
Jaskier was going to leave the two but Aiden begs him to stay and Lambert agrees. They travel together and when Winter threatens them Lambert invites them to Kaer Morhen.
Jaskier wants to refuse, he had lied to Geralt for a decade and he knew Cats weren’t well loved by Wolves.
Lambert convinces him and they start the climb up, sharing stories of the past in a bid to not feel nervous.
Vesemir meets them at the gate and Jaskier doesn’t recoginze him from the massacre, but the Wolf sees their medallions and growls.
Lambert stepped in front of him and Aiden and argued with the older Wolf while the other inhabitants wander out.
Geralt sees him and nods at Jaskier and he relaxes because he knows Geralt is okay with him now, the other Wolf has his dagger in hand and looking between him and Aiden.
Vesemir and Lambert finish their argument and Aiden and Jaskier give their weapons up with only a little reluctances and Lambert growls at the others.
They share Lambert’s room, and ignore the looks from the other three in the morning.
Vesemir and Eskel put them through a lot of work to see if they could cope with it and also because they are Cats.
Jaskier plays his songs and watches as Aiden and Lambert dance together while Geralt and Eskel laugh softly at their brothers antics.
He finds Axel’s medallion in one of his bags and holds it in his hands, Aiden comes up to see where he was and joins him without a word.
They mourn for Axel, Treyse, and their siblings they had lost, but they both know that revenge wasn’t the way forward, they had Lambert now.
The other Wolves move away from Lambert’s room that Winter because of the noise but Jaskier doesn’t find a shred of care in the world because he has Aiden and Lambert in his arms.
---
Bonus Points;
They get the Zoomies, they have to keep moving and Lambert buys them a fishing rod toy to play with.
They meet Gaetan on the Path and see his Viper beside him, they don’t question it but they do laugh at his brother and spend a few days with him. (yes this is @rawrkinjd and @round--robin‘s fault)
Jaskier writes a song for Lambert’s cock because he was dared by Aiden too, its a hit among the small group of friends they have to Lambert’s dismay.
A quick story with Geralt needing his family after the Dragon Hunt.
Shipping is Geralt/Jaskier/Yennefer.
Geralt brought his sword down fast and hard, striking the dummy and slicing it in half. He turned around and hit the next one, then the next, then the next, then he turned around and instead of the dummy he was met with another steel sword.
Vesemir pushed him back and they started the dance. Striking, parrying, dodging from each strike before Geralt forgot about the missing stone and stumbled back.
Vesemir was closer to him, about to hit him and win but Geralt rolled to the side and pushed himself back up in less than a blink and attacked Vesemir with everything he had.
He felt his sword slice through his mentors shirt and he could smell the blood in the air. Vesemir dropped his sword and Geralt followed his action before he crumpled to his knees. Vesemir was in front of him kneeling and pulling him close for a hug.
“What happened Wolf?” Everything, so fucking much.
“Fuck it’s been a bad year. I’ve lost them both.” Vesemir knew who he was talking about, he knew the second that Yennefer and Jaskier didn’t turn up with him for Winter.
“We are still here Wolf,” Geralt nodded and let Vesemir's scent fill his scenes and calm him down, he was the lighthouse in the storm.
“I lost them.” Witchers didn’t cry, it was frowned upon but he couldn’t stop them falling down his face as his father figure held him. “Fuck I lost them.”
“You didn’t lose them, you three will always go back to each other, you know that.” He wanted to argue, this wasn’t like other times he didn’t know how to make it up to them. Yennefer told him that he had lost her and he broke Jaskier, he was the monster people called him.
“Wolf let’s go inside. You can practice tomorrow,” Vesemir helped him off his knees and the two of them walked into the Keep and headed towards the small hall that they used.
He could hear Lambert and Eskel already inside playing a game of Gwent or something. Vesemir pushed the door open and two sets of golden eyes looked at him before they were walking over to him.
“I’ve got a bottle of Erveluce that I’ve won from Lambert. Split it?” Geralt nodded at Eskel and felt the smile from his brother light the room up.
“I’ve got a fucking killer deck that I need someone to practice on. Up for a game?” Lambert hit his arm with a smirk so Geralt nodded again. Vesemir was behind them and watching for any indication that Geralt needed a break but the Wolf walked between his brothers to the fire and the game of Gwent.
Vesemir watched them before turning around and leaving the room, he had a Sorceress and Bard to talk to.
-
Geralt wanted to have Vesemir in the room but he knew their father figure had to do something, he could see that look in his eyes. Lambert tried his best to joke like normal while Eskel poured drink after drink but it wasn’t the same.
“What’s happened Wolf?” Eskel watched him move closer to the fire before he spoke.
“A lot of shit. there was a dragon hunt, Yen was there with a knight, the guy I was helping fell off the cliff with his two friends and Jask wanted me to leave but I couldn’t.” He took a drink before staring into the fire as he remembered the events, “We tried to get Yen to leave but the others were trying to get the dragon, turns out fucking Golden Dragons exist.”
“Wait Golden Dragons? Like the ones in fairytales?” Lambert raised an eyebrow in disbelief but Geralt just nodded.
“Yeah the guy I was with, Borch, he’s a Golden Dragon and the Green Dragon was a friend? I’m not really sure. But Yen was pissed about being sterile and I shouted at Jask, they both left.”
“Okay so Borch is a dragon, he hired you to help him up the mountain then lied about his death to only show up when needed?”
“Yeah, then he told Yen that she would never regain her womb. And you know how she is with that,” Geralt moved closer to Eskel and Lambert moved closer as well, they needed the comfort.
“Well that sounds shit brother. Have you spoken to them?” Geralt shook his head and took a long drink as he looked into the fire.
“Maybe use the Xenovox to contact Yen?” Eskel nudged him and Geralt nodded softly before letting his head fall onto his brother's shoulders.
“Tomorrow, I want to drink and forget tonight.”
“I can live with that, let me get the good shit.” Lambert stood and wandered off into the kitchen and Geralt listened to Eskel’s slow heartbeat.
“You three are meant to be Geralt, you argue all the time but you always find each other.” Geralt Just nodded because he knew that was the truth and he could only hope this time would be no different.
“Are you fuckers ready for this? It’s been distilled like seven times or some shit.” Lambert dropped to the floor beside Geralt and handed both of them a bottle of vodka, the smell overpowered their senses without opening the bottles.
“Shit this is the good shit,” Eskel grimaced as he took a sip but kept going and Geralt followed his actions.
“Only the best for my brothers.” Lambert smirked and took a drink of his own, Geralt would like to say he remembered why he was wearing some of Yen’s old clothes in the morning but he really can’t.
