Beneath the Armor: The Heart's Unseen Battle [Talking about my story/sort of ranty because wow]
The Edge of Wanting....
Some nights, you write something and it just stays with you. Lingers under your skin, haunts the back of your mind even after you've walked away from the page. I’ve been sitting with this pair—her with her carefully crafted mask, him with the weight of a number for a name—and I can’t stop thinking about the moment things shift. That soft crack in a perfect facade. That breath of stillness right before everything becomes too much.
What happens when you're surrounded by power and prestige, but feel like a ghost in your own life? What happens when the one person who sees through it all is the one you're not supposed to touch?
I’ve been digging into this new story—still raw, still rough, still pulling itself together. It starts with a balcony, too much wine, and a silent guard who watches more than he should. And then it keeps unraveling: guilt, desire, quiet acts of rebellion in the form of touches too long, glances too familiar, and promises that neither of them should be making.
It’s messy. It’s complicated. It’s not heroic or clean. But it’s theirs. And maybe that’s what makes it beautiful. Or doomed. Maybe both.
Still editing. Still breathing it in. More soon.
Someone once told me my character Cerra was “giving pick-me vibes.”
Here’s the thing: she’s not. And here’s why.
Who is Cerra?
“Cerra is a human woman with rich brown skin that catches the light like polished wood, her expressive amber-brown eyes always seeming to hold more than she lets on. Her wavy dark hair, often pulled into formal styles for appearances, falls in loose waves when she’s herself, tousled and soft around the edges.
Shorter than Fox by a noticeable margin, she has a sturdy, battle-tested frame, built not for show but for survival. In casual wear, she leans into muted tones and functional cuts—leather jackets, layered tops, jeans—clothing that mirrors her grounded temperament. There’s a worn-in gravity to her, someone who’s lived too much life too fast, with a scent and presence that linger like memory.”
And then someone said:
“…Because right I got, she is pretty and unhappy. It giving pick me vibes….”
Let’s unpack that.
What is a “pick-me girl”?
A “pick-me girl” is typically someone who:
Seeks male approval by distancing herself from other women
Devalues femininity to appeal to men
Overperforms “cool girl” behavior (chill, agreeable, not emotional)
Centers male attention as a public goal
Cerra? She doesn’t fit this. Not even close.
Why Cerra isn’t a Pick-Me
She doesn’t crave male validation—she craves escape.
Cerra isn’t trying to be chosen. She already was—by a powerful man who didn’t choose her, but a version of her that served his ambition. She’s not performing to gain affection. She’s unraveling to reclaim selfhood.
“She was good at putting on the facade of a good wife… But as she stood straight up and looked out at the city… her eyes fell onto a Coruscant Guard…”
She’s not looking for a new role. She’s exhausted from the old one.
She doesn’t tear down other women to lift herself up.
She has no “I’m not like other girls” complex. Her discontent is directed at the systems trapping her, not the women navigating them.
“Cerra was not just a name on a list to some gala she didn’t feel comfortable going to…”
She doesn’t hate femininity. She hates how it’s been used as a leash.
She’s not the “cool girl”—she’s cracking.
She drinks too much wine. Her emotions spill out. She isn’t calculating how to win Fox’s attention—she’s falling apart in front of someone who finally sees her.
“Maybe the muscles in her face were simply far too tired, or maybe she was simply tired in general to keep the mask up.”
This is emotional exhaustion, not manipulation.
Her relationship with Fox isn’t about being desired—it’s about being seen.
Fox doesn’t make her feel valuable. He makes her feel real. Their connection is built on mutual emotional starvation, not social climbing or seduction.
“Cerra fell into it because of her status as a hero… all the things she didn’t want but it also won her the attention of someone who saw a chance to boost himself higher…”
She’s been used. She’s not trying to use anyone back.
If anything, Cerra is a survivor of romantic and political exploitation.
She’s not angling for attention—she’s clawing for agency.
Her arc isn’t about becoming someone’s favorite. It’s about surviving what happens when you’re selected for all the wrong reasons, and finding the courage to want something real anyway.
TL;DR:
Cerra is not a “pick-me girl.”
She’s a woman stripped of choice, playing a role until it breaks her.
She doesn’t want to be better than anyone else.
She just wants to be.
And Fox—tired, loyal, lonely—finally looks at her and sees someone worth being, not someone worth performing.
Some feedback just... sits weird.
I once shared a very rough draft of my story with someone. I made it extremely clear that it was unfinished, still being shaped, still raw. They gave me their thoughts—fine, I appreciated that. I thanked them. I told them:
“Well, I read it out loud but I look it over.”
“I am actually happy with this.”
“Thank you for not holding back.”
And then... they ghosted.
No follow-up. No clarification. No questions. Just gone.
Now, I’m not mad. Not everyone vibes with every story. But what stuck with me was this weird sense that they came in already decided about my main character—Cerra. Like they wanted to read her a certain way and then bounced once she didn’t fit cleanly into a trope.
I said I wanted honesty, and I meant that. But I want honest critique based on the text. Not assumptions. Not “Oh, I don’t like her so she must be a pick-me,” with nothing to back it up.
What really gets me is how they overlooked the entire point of Cerra as a character.
She’s not the typical “throws-herself-at-the-clone” OC. She doesn’t fall in love at first sight. She’s not running around being quirky for the sake of it. She’s not attached to some Jedi like Anakin where her personal drama floats above consequence.
Cerra’s husband is emotionally unavailable. She’s arm candy—chosen for political optics. There are clear hints that she was put in this marriage for public ratings, not love. And she knows that. The story knows that. Even after I tweaked the first chapter, those threads are still there.
But they didn’t ask about any of that. They didn’t dig. They didn’t even stay long enough to see where the character was going.
They just dipped.
And yeah... that kind of silence can say a lot more than feedback ever could.
Here is a randomly generated picture, based on her earlier description, because I am not an artist, don't claim to be one outside of the written word, and I don't have the income to spare for that (it's more to get an idea of what she more or less looks like):
Cerra isn’t the kind of pretty you notice in passing. She’s the kind that lingers in your chest hours later, like a memory you didn’t realize mattered.
Friendships, no matter how deeply rooted, often wither. Neglect, overattention, or being overshadowed by gardens others deem more important can cause even the strongest bonds to fade. But the ones that endure—despite tangled roots, despite storms, droughts, or how little others may value them—stand firm. They weather the unknown. They hold on. Because friendships, like everything living, never stay the same. Some blossom into something more. Others evolve quietly, growing alongside those who planted the roots with every fiber of who they are.
Hi. I'm going to be very blunt here about your question in the FF writers community. Firstly. You are NOT the only survivor on earth. The REST OF US are allowed to cope with our personal devastating life ruining trauma in whatever helps US best. I have a trauma specialized therapist and have been a 'survivor' since the Clinton administration. I cope in a way that has been personally healing to me. I owe you ZERO explanation. Secondly? They AREN'T REAL. They are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. They cannot be hurt. So the author is not committing crimes by writing stories. Thirdly it is not the job of authors to teach children or adults life lessons and basic morality. Fiction is not a one to one correspondence with reality and it is not the job or function of fiction to purify the world of all sin and wrongdoing. Stories serve many different jobs. So, I'm sorry, that IS an acceptable answer, because that's how fiction works. Fourthly, as a survivor who then went on to become a mental health professional, I and every single sexologist on EARTH can PROMISE YOU that what arouses people sexually has NO BEARING on their IRL behavior. Violent kinks have ZERO correlation with violent behaviors outside of consensual contexts. Fifthly the hand wringing about how 'it's a fetish now!!11!' is inaccurate AT BEST. People have had sexual assault fantasies since Antiquity, its one of the most common kinks on earth and always has been. Sixth. You say you are trying to ask a genuine question, but the language you used is combative and shaming. Consenting adults are permitted to read and write whatever they want and you are permitted to not read it. You are responsible for managing YOUR content intact, no one else's. Censorship is never the answer. EVER.
Alright, canary-prince, I’ll be blunt with you as well!
As those of you who aren’t aware, this person is from a community on Tumblr, who so gracefully wanted to bless me with their obvious hate because they took a question that was asked for the thought process of examining a topic that wasn’t at all a social topic but a WRITING one. How funny is that? Missed the assignment by a whole planet on this one.
Firstly. You are NOT the only survivor on earth. The REST OF US are allowed to cope with our personal devastating life ruining trauma in whatever helps US best. I have a trauma specialized therapist and have been a 'survivor' since the Clinton administration. I cope in a way that has been personally healing to me. I owe you ZERO explanation.
I’ll say this: I never said anything like that. I never claimed I was anything but someone who lived it myself and pointed out what I thought of this topic. I made references to it because it would help those who went through it to understand that I am not stating anything from the point of view of someone who doesn’t understand or whatever the case might be. Yes, writing rape or whatever might help you with what you went through is fine, I am not stating you can or can not do that. You, as someone who has stated that lived through this, seemed to believe I demanded something of you when I hardly thought of you in the first place.
The question was layered and oblivious to those who commented on it, but you went the emotional route. Yes, I had one of those therapists as well, and for you to bring it up like that speaks more about your character than you realize. You are not better than me because YOU choose to do this or that or have this therapist or that therapist. Also, YOU DO NOT speak for others, as you like to point out to me, and I DO NOT speak for others, including you. How we handle things is different, case by case, person by person. You like to point fingers, as stated by the first thing you wrote. You are being blunt, like you said, but you aren’t someone who has done anything with that therapy or the money you spent on it.
Coping is fine, but as you’ll mention, you have been working since the Clinton administration, which makes no sense in the overall statement of either my question or the point of bringing it up. I don’t think you have faced what happened to you in a serious way (since we are making claims here). You have put effort into taking someone who has their own problems, someone who has pushed past something that has happened to them, and then sat behind a screen. And told them, that their life experience in this fucked world is what? Nothing because you came from the Clinton administration, and you have a therapist. But also, in that same response you speak of yourself a lot, while also claiming I speak for others who have also shared the same thought as me in the comments, as I and many others (number unknown) don’t like to see our experiences written such a way, regardless of the intent.
I also have no interest in your explanation; nothing you can say would be worthy of explaining your behavior.
Secondly? They AREN'T REAL. They are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. They cannot be hurt. So the author is not committing crimes by writing stories.
First, why is this a question? Are you not sure if this is a second thing or not?
Anyway, I know they aren’t real, and they are fictional characters, but that wasn’t the point of the conversation or the question. It’s not the characters but the PEOPLE reading it. Yes, people can use the back button. Yes, they can understand that this is wrong. Yes, I know the characters aren’t getting hurt, and yes, I know that the author isn’t committing a crime; no one said that.
As a comment said:
“Ugh, I'm so sorry that happened! And they were wrong, whatever you read does indeed have an effect on you. It affects how you think and act. While it may not be immediate It will happen. I never cuss but after reading fanfiction after fanfiction which had cursing I soon let it slip a couple of times which made me pretty disappointed in myself. But anyways, totally agree with you on this matter!”
Media can shape or form an opinion of a society or a group of people, hence the “divide” between generations prior and after 911. A lot of articles talk about this, and you could literally do a Google search. Since you have been around a while, you should be aware of this more than anyone else.
“Social media wields cultural influence on fashion and food trends, family and adolescent health issues, world news and local events, political and community action events…” - Social Media Impact: How Social Media Sites Affect Society, American Public University.
The above snippet comments on the general view of the impact social media has on us as a whole. This means a lot of us view things differently based on how active we are online. Media is something that influences us in many ways based on many factors.
“Media influence is the actual force exerted by a media message, resulting in either a change or reinforcement in audience or individual beliefs. Whether a media message has an effect on any of its audience members is contingent on many factors, including audience demographics and psychological characteristics”- Influence of mass media, Wikipedia
With this mentioned, I would argue that what you said isn’t wrong in either the first or second part, even though I am sure you are still trying to figure out if the word ‘second’ is a question or not. The author isn’t committing a crime, but it could or could not lead to one. In a society where a good percentage of people are online, it means the understanding (no one is dumb, or that I am calling anyone dumb) of right and wrong is… at best questioned. I say this with the notion that some people know of real rape videos that are posted and titled as “fantasy” and people, who aren’t the wiser will take it as “fantasy” and with that said, there are people that have kinks that have “catharsis and control”. This does not mean everyone likes it, and it does not mean everyone hates it either. You can not force people to like your things because it's how you “cope,” but then turn around and shame someone for bringing it up as a topic.
Thirdly it is not the job of authors to teach children or adults life lessons and basic morality. Fiction is not a one to one correspondence with reality and it is not the job or function of fiction to purify the world of all sin and wrongdoing. Stories serve many different jobs. So, I'm sorry, that IS an acceptable answer, because that's how fiction works.
At least we know this is an actual response, and you aren’t doubting whether it is a statement or not.
Let’s be honest, no one wants to raise anyone else's child or teach a grown adult anything, so the balls to make that notion is just amazing. Fiction does and will always teach a lesson at its core. Stories from before the printed word did so to help us stay alive, to avoid certain areas or even people depending on the situation. The notion that fiction doesn’t teach something or affect one's view of something just shows you have been out of the schoolhouse for too long and lost your way, little fancy rat. The morals of people aren’t based on stories - not fully anyway - it's based on the person's family and friend unit, which honestly shows more than you know.
Also, yes, fiction does correspond with reality, themes, plots, and characters. Hell, historical fiction is a genre. But I agree it’s not there to do anything of the sort in terms of “purify the world of all sin and wrongdoing.” I would say that authors do have some responsibility in terms of how they go about writing it. Yes, some stories serve a purpose, but there are differences between writing rape for the sake of it, and then writing it with a purpose, and I feel like you don’t write with a purpose, and that’s me stretching for that apple of knowledge if I am honest, is a rotten one at that. Also, no, “They are fictional characters,” isn’t one because real people like in bands have fan fiction writers, and so, your statement doesn’t fall well into place. I am not saying those who write K-pop fan fiction or actor/actress fan fiction will do bad things, but there is a line, and I am worried about whether or not people will see it and know what to do when crossing it.
In your words, “that's how fiction works” is a statement that shouldn’t be said by someone who has a bad-faith argument fueled by an emotional response.
Fourthly, as a survivor who then went on to become a mental health professional, I and every single sexologist on EARTH can PROMISE YOU that what arouses people sexually has NO BEARING on their IRL behavior. Violent kinks have ZERO correlation with violent behaviors outside of consensual contexts.
Hmm, I really like how you threw in your job title. I didn’t know I was looking for an employee in such a field.
I have a real question: do you not know of serial rapists? They are violent people with kinks that turn violent to the victims that they had taken by FORCE or drugged, which anyone with half a mind can list people within their own state, city, and country if they Google it. That’s not even the tip of the iceberg because if you don’t count the serial killers that also rape their victims, but as a sexologist, you should be aware of that. But then again, to so BOLDLY suggest that there is zero correlation with violent behaviors outside of consensual context is like saying, “I know she was 11, but she so wanted it!” When that child did nothing to state so. So, very VIOLENT rape is just someone that happened to forget their safe word?
Also it feels like you are from the old mindset, but at the same time, I don’t know if you could be right or not, or I could be wrong or right; who knows honestly.
Fifthly the hand wringing about how 'it's a fetish now!!11!' is inaccurate AT BEST. People have had sexual assault fantasies since Antiquity, its one of the most common kinks on earth and always has been.
That’s fine; no one is saying it’s wrong, but when there isn’t consent, there’s an issue, and those were the ones I am talking about. Fetishes, in the grand scheme of things, are okay, totally fine. BUT, like I said, the consent is important; yes, people have fantasies, I have them and I am sure my grandmother does as well, old wrinkly cunt of a woman. Though, from the casual search I have done, there was a study done in 1998 on this topic, and again in 2009 with a smaller group. With that said, the types of things they fantasied about varied, but yes, those kinks do live on in the modern era, and I have no problem with that.
BUT what I am referring to is anything but a kink, where it’s clear that the character themselves DOES NOT want it but then has to justify it to themselves later on, which is not okay. Dark Romances are, IN MY OPINION, not a good example of what consent looks like. 1,000 no’s and a single yes doesn’t equal to a kink or fantasy; that’s a victim having to give into the predator because their safety isn’t assured. The idea of someone, like yourself or me or anyone who has been raped, who has to deal with the idea that what happened to us was now deemed acceptable because our predators now have an out of “oh well, everyone has a rape kink/fantasy!” is outrageous in the most unbelievable way. The fact that you cite something and deem it common, then go, “HA! GOTCHA!” is like me saying the majority of the people in a room like chocolate ice cream but ignoring the others that like vanilla ice cream instead.
Kinks or fantasy are not the same, I was once told by someone who knew someone with a mental disability that had a fantasy of some movie that they liked and then killed their little brother (or was it a cousin?) and then ate them, thinking they could fly because of that. With your logic, that’s a fantasy, so why is that person in jail? Fantasies are normal and common, right? So, why are rapist, killers, and mental pasitens looked up because of them?
Sixth. You say you are trying to ask a genuine question, but the language you used is combative and shaming. Consenting adults are permitted to read and write whatever they want and you are permitted to not read it. You are responsible for managing YOUR content intact, no one else's. Censorship is never the answer. EVER.
Alright, we are at the end! Here we go!
Yes, and I actively use the back button, which I am sure you don’t use at any point, and I don’t comment on anything I don’t think I fully understand or can actively hold a genuine conversation with another ADLUT in a way that we both can either learn or come to an understanding. I don’t shame people for what they like or not like; I am open and honest with my feelings. Whether you like it or not, I am ALLOWED to feel or not feel about something. Also, do you not know that children lie or click on things they aren’t supposed to? I know I did! But I don’t care what your argument is at this point, You are shaming me for actively holding a conversation with adults, which you couldn’t handle because your small world would crumble at the notion that people are rational and can read properly and understand nuances that you can’t.
Also, victims come in all shades, styles, beliefs, etc, I do not believe in censorship or whatever you want to claim that I do or do not do.
The language I chose did not come off as either combative or shaming because everyone else understood and weren’t emotional about it. If you want to come after a victim because they don’t fit your mold because they have faced their issues better than you and can hold a serious talk about this topic, then that’s on you, you warrior of delulu land.
I honestly love the idea that Yord of all people would have a secret relationship while pretending to be a good Jedi Master and following the rules that had never worked over countless times.
