The life of someone who never stops
Why did I ever start stimulating my mind and body so much in the first place?
Ever since I was a kid, I remember always wanting to be active and think fast. My childhood hero was Sonic the Hedgehog and I always idolized his non-stop instant-action attitude. I loved to play action-packed video games and I enjoyed baseball, soccer, and other sports.
I found inspiration in so many things. In the games I played, the music I heard and the movies I watched. I found so much inspiration and I felt such a high in life. Everything I encountered I seemed to start to dream about what it would be like to make that a part of my life. Whether it was designing my own games and stories, creating my own art, becoming faster and faster physically, learning to fight, acting out characters. It was so overwhelming at times.
The best way to put it is the line from Commodus in the movie Gladiator. "All my desires are splitting my head to pieces," except for me it was more my heart.
I literally wanted everything.
And I wanted everything badly.
I wanted to do everything, to be everything, to have accomplished everything. And the more these desires inspired me, the more I started to feel overwhelmed by the thought that there was no way it was possible. I had to pick something, I had to let somethings go. In order to be really special and accomplished with a goal, I had to put in years of dedication to it - maybe even my whole life. I couldn't let anything go. I couldn't give up on even one detail.
I started to become overly stressed about how each moment of my life was being wasted. I started to worry that if I didn't get a girlfriend as a kid, I would lose the chance to have the innocent cute experiences you have with someone. And that may seem kind of silly to some people, but it gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach every time. Or I would worry that I would never be able to write a story or draw a character that would feel as perfect to me as the idea in my head.
And that's how it was with everything. I started to become obsessed with being the best at things but never believing I would ever come close. But I would never be able to settle for less.
I believe that's how this lifestyle of over-stimulation started. From that point I just started getting excited about things, picking them up for a bit, but then getting bored of them and wanting to give attention to another aspect of my life. A TV show appealed to me or a comic caught my interest and then I became depressed thinking that I could never catch the whole series. I tried to work out but eventually got so incredibly bored with it thinking that I was wasting time that could be spent experiencing and working on other things.
And now here I am feeling the effects of a lifestyle such as that. I have constant stresses on life that my mind is perpetually running away from by getting into a different game, watching a different show. They say this is a problem that a lot of Americans face, but I can't really comment on how the experience is for them.
I think all I can do is try to relax more often and deal with stress in a healthy fashion. All of the things I want might just come to me, but only if I can stop killing myself with how badly I want them.
