#and pity

[kkaeyva]

i’d have a better maths grade if we dealt in primogems instead of numbers

[caelei]

so i failed today

when i was crying in front of my parents my mom told me that i had been brave for even attempting.

attempting what? a job interview? somthing big or important? 

no, just going to the fucking movies

yes i was ‘brave’ for that

it should’ve been easy but i felt sick (when do i not feel sick) and i couldn’t tell if it was from nerves or digestion or both

but i really wanted to see that movie. i stood in the door of my house for like twenty minutes while it rained outside and my parents tried to think of excuses for me to not have to do it

‘you can go next week’ they said, encouragingly, like it’s not placation, like it’s no big deal i’m freaking out over something so stupid. ‘yeah,’ i said, already trying to hold in the tears, ‘only next week i’ll just be like this again, i’ll always feel sick, it’s not going away’

‘yeah’ my mom said, her voice downcast

i finally decided (nearly too late) that i should try to buck up and go to the movie after all. its just a movie. it’s just a movie. 

yeah, i think on the car ride there, but there will be people. perhaps crowds. i don’t want them to see what a wreck i am (there is this flashback to a girl at my college and her startled face when i passed by her on the sidewalk, because that day the badness inside me had been bad enough to overflow so she could see it). i’ll just look down and keep my face away. i hope the line isn’t too long because i already can’t stand for long and it’s even worse when i feel sick. and i have to sit on one of the sides right next to the aisle, in case halfway through the movie i have to urgently leave (halfway through? last time i only made it halfway through the opening advertisements). but don’t worry about wasting ticket money, and i guess if i have to leave i’ll just go out and sit in the car and wait for the movie to end.

but no, my mom tried to assure me, no if i left my parents would leave too because they couldn’t enjoy the movie with me sitting outside. and i know it’s meant to be nice, but now all i’m thinking is oh great, so we waste all the ticket money then, not just mine if i mess up. no i have to mess it up for everyone and they don’t even get to see the movie either

in the end it didn’t matter because we pulled up to the theater (no parking left, full crowd, we would have to park in a neighboring lot) and i end up deciding there would be too many people there and i couldn’t be guaranteed to get an aisle seat. so we just turned around and drove home.

after we’re home is when i’m really trying (failing) not to cry when my mom calls me brave and hugs me, and so i start heaving breaths, mostly because i’m crying and also because i can’t breathe through her shoulder, and my dad is sitting right there, probably trying very hard not to listen, not looking, not knowing what to do, and my arms just hang uselessly, i don’t even hug her back, and my brother is there too playing computer and i hope he doesn’t notice me breaking down right here in front of them all but he probably does

okay

i just wish things could be simple for me. i wasn’t like this before i got sick. i’ve never talked to a pysch but i know i must have some sort of (social?) anxiety. i didn’t have it before i became chronically ill. that’s when it all changed. suddenly going out wasn’t just going out anymore. it was going out except always feeling sick too, because i’m always sick. eventually it became being afraid of going out because of how the extra activity and the discomfort and the societal pressures would make me feel even worse.

tonight i just wanted to go see a goddamned movie. 

but i’m like this.

i guess maybe next week

[introsepctive]

i never really hated someone in my whole but i really feel some... kind of disregard towards some people now. how could i allow these people to treat me like shit and then always defend them and ahhh. i wish i could punch myself in the face for being so naive ugh

[bettydice]

So this week is one of those weeks where I say things like "Oh man I will just tell her that I won't have time until 2010" and then there is an awkward silence until I realise that 2010 is indeed in the past and not the far-away-future date I intended it to be....

[triplem2015]

The fact that I don't even know if I want to go to prom because I won't get asked and I just can't go by myself

[inattentiveperspectives-blog]

I'm not sure what birthdays are for anymore. It's just the ticking of the clock, another strike for the prison wall yet we try and celebrate it almost obsessively. There's the obligation to see friends and do stuff. Well, why can friends come to me? Why can't stuff. Do. Me. That's not correct but you get my drift. It just seems like birthdays have gone the same way as Christmas, where is means nothing more then keeping up appearances. And that's not fun for anyone. Is it? On a separate note, it's my birthday. I'm going to go and bake myself a self-indulgent cake, with self-indulgent candles to blow out. Peace.

[moriartynotprofessor]

Hey so if you ever want to watch a movie that makes you hate men and hate women and hate everything just watch the Italian film Malena