Cas: You couldn't forgive me. And you couldn't move on. You were too angry.
Dean: I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know - I know that it's - it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just - it comes out. And I can't - I can't stop it. No matter how - how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And - And I - I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long - I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm - I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.
had some very recent first-hand experience and just finished reading a pretty angsty destiel story ("Grey"), that only till now did I start understanding this part about forgiveness and anger. I didn't like it too much on my first (and first ten times) of watching, especially the part when Dean said "I don't know why I get so angry" and that he can't stop it no matter how bad he wants to. I didn't like it because it sounds too much like the violent man in a domestic violence case claiming the reason why he's beating his partner is just "he's too angry and he doesn't know why or how and he couldn't stop it". That sounds too much like just an excuse for losing control, and I couldn't really resonate with him. Until now.
Until now I realize there's anger in me that's just as strong as Dean, even though I don't express it in violence, but it's still also anger. And there're things and people that are close to me but I find it really really difficult to emotionally truly forgive. I didn't realize how difficult it really is to truly forgive. Emotionally forgiving is way harder than reasonably forgiving. Because I still love them and care for them, I don't want to hurt them, so I would tell them "I forgive you", and even "I forgave you long time ago", because I really want to forgive them, my own reasonable mind really want to believe that and do that. But emotionally I'd still be too hurt and there's too much pain in the memory to really forgive, to move on. Like Cas said, "You couldn't forgive me. And you couldn't move on. You were too angry." I realize, I know exactly how that feel like, how Dean's feeling. And why.
Anger is a facade, a self-protection to not wanting to feel hurt, not to feel vulnerable. If anger can keep you not thinking about how painful you were when you were hurt, when you were wronged, how powerless and vulnerable you were at those moments you find too difficult to forgive and forget, then anger makes you feel powerful and safe, and so you would just so comfortably resort to anger as your handling mechanism. Anger might not always show up or be expressed the same way, some show it as violence, some might just show as distance estrangement, a silent treatment, a cold war. Anger in all forms is your way of finding the power you didn't have then but you could use now, and punishing the others for the hurt they caused. Even though sometimes it might not be their fault, sometimes things happened for a perfectly good reason, sometimes things were just meant to be, they just happened out of nowhere, out of control of anyone, but as long as you can find the one to blame and make yourself stay angry, then it might just start to feel like you're in control again, that things make sense again, that you might feel a little bit safer.
Dean intuitively resorts to anger, all this time, ever since childhood, because it's too painful to admit how powerless and vulnerable he really feels, that he's hurt. Just the same as "not talking about feelings," it's his way of self-protection. And after this many years of practice, there is no way he can let this go easily.
Which makes the true tearful "I forgive you" at the verge of losing Cas and letting the anger go and moving on to not lose him again so much more powerful and touching. He's willing to feel that pain and vulnerable and powerless feeling again when the world is out of control and overwhelming, just so that he could get Cas back. Who said he doesn't do feelings? He does feelings, so deeply and profoundly, reach deep inside himself, cut himself open, because he knows what really matters. Because Cas really matters. Because Cas is the only one that he realizes he shouldn't have his self-protection on to be with, and he's willing to feel all those things if it means he can have Cas back.
