“I lost my childhood from the age of 2. The basic parental lessons of love, kindness, trust and safety were never mine. Instead they taught me about betrayal, physical and mental pain, guilt, corruption, deceit, lies and hate. I knew that I was unable to change that as a child I was isolated from all that is normal like friendships and birthday parties, sleepovers and day trips...Yet I knew from a very young age that I needed to be different. I am now happy that my life broke the pattern of destructiveness and torment which was inherent through my family. I broke the mold and this validates the person that I am, and continue to become. I want to make a difference. I know I can't change the world but I would like to make a difference to just a small corner.
After many years of therapy for D.I.D, I am on the final leg of my journey. We have succeeded in developing a beautiful pink boat that I use for my beautiful family. Some are no longer needed in everyday life, they can go and play on the boat, they are safe there, it is out to sea so no one can harm them anymore, they can get off by using a ladder that transports them. They have new jobs, new roles, new opportunities, new friends…..some like the tranquillity, some like the safety, some grumble up the corner, some play with the soft toys and some have teddy bears picnics, others have important jobs, keeping the pretty flowers safe and others looking after the cute rabbits and small animals. There are still some to go on the boat and some will never go, I use them throughout the day. I have cooperation with those that I need to get me through my long days as a manager, teacher, mother and volunteer. I still switch regularly throughout the day, Liz drives for me, Carol gets me to the office, Laura does majority of my teaching for me, Bebe goes to boring meetings for me, A.J disrupts my working day and cause mischief like any other 7 yr old! I don't ask her to come in she just gets bored! Finally there is L.J a lively child, a reflection, the keeper of all knowledge, the mother to many, the responsible one, the adorable one, my favourite, whom without my life would be terribly boring.
My alters and their portrayal of my emotions/feelings provide me with a sense of love, a strength of character, a wisdom about anger, a sensitivity to suffering, an appreciation of responsibility and guilt, a pervasive happiness (generally). Was I like this 5 years ago? No, I had no understanding of my feelings and emotions but through understanding my individual alters I have established their role in my emotions and so can use this to my advantage most of the time. The biggest help in our journey? Our therapist. Not long ago she made us something special to help with our EFT and EMDR, a tappy bear! a gorgeous soft teddy that she had sewn buttons onto all the tapping points for EFT so that my main child alter could teach all the children how to relax. My beautiful alters are finally learning effective management of their stress and anxieties.
My life is now a journey, I am almost always scared, scared of so many things, but I get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think...I am a survivor of the most awful atrocities, I survived 13 years of trauma, the least I can do is survive another day. So I tell my family of many, that I love them, sometimes individually, I give out a kiss to those that need it or a little hug and then off we go into our day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and less frequently now I end up in bed under the duvet, doesn't mean I failed that day, just means today wasn't the day to carry on up the path on the journey, it was a day to stand and look behind me at where I have come from, or to simply look at the flowers and the view.”
