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Aphantasia is a bit boring. When I learned that I had it, I wanted to learn as much as I could. I wanted to talk to other people that had it. But it's not really a deep well to drink from.
The subreddit is basically just posts saying, "I just found out at age xx." Or "does this sound like Aphantasia?"
The one time I had a conversation with another aphant, was extremely satisfying and enjoyable. I want more of that.
recall or learn: Aphantasia is the inability to mentally visualize things
And allistic means not autistic.
My mom has a theory. you are:
autistic + aphantasic
autistic + on the aphantasia spectrum
autistic + not aphantasic at all.
possible autistic + aphantasic
possibly autistic + on the aphantasia specturm
possibly autistic + not aphnatasic at all
allistic + aphantasic
allistic + on the aphantasia spectrum
allistic + not aphantasic at all
help spread this poll so i can test my mom's theory and show her the results!
This past year has been full of revelations and most have been life altering. In the past year, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD & highly likely autistic, and found out that I have aphantasia (which means I have the inability to visualize…my mind’s eye is blind, which is fascinating and saddening).
Aphantasia is a rabbit hole, which I’ll save for a different post. I’ll concentrate on the AuDHD…
Apparently, women and girls are under diagnosed or diagnosis has been missed completely. It seems we women/girls have the ability to “mask”, a term I have only just become aware of but completely relate to!
As a masker, we can “fit in” with neurotypicals, but at a price. Masking is expensive, it costs us our mental and physical health. The constant vigilance causes anxiety and stress which in turn triggers inflammation and pain (just to start). As a masker we naturally become a people pleaser and mentally bend ourselves into the shapes that those around us demand. We’ve had the mask so fully “on” that many of us lose ourselves, and blame ourselves for being “broken”.
My inner dialogue was AWFUL! I was horrible to myself and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t my fault. My brain works differently than others, that’s all. It isn’t anything to be ashamed of, and I’m not. Not anymore. That being said, I still have to live and work in a neurotypical world, so I’ve had to come up with my own ways of doing it, and I’m still working on it.
I chose medication as one of my tools and luckily I found an ADHD med that work for me. With it, I’m better able to focus on tasks and emotionally regulate…MAN, I wish I had been diagnosed at an earlier age.
I’m 44 and was diagnosed over the summer, now I wonder if I had known why I didn’t easily “fit-in” and why everything was so hard, would it have made my life easier. Not that a diagnosis and medication magically made me neurotypical, it didn’t. I still struggle…every day…but as G.I. Joe used to say, “Knowing is half the battle.”
Knowing how my brain works is helping me build a life that works for me. It isn’t perfect, I still fall into “bad” habits, but I’m not giving up. I’ve been trapped in my own mind, buried under the rubble of misconceptions and missed diagnoses, but I’m slowly freeing myself, one traumatic rock at a time.
being a neurodivergent artist with aphantasia/hypophantasia it’s ALWAYS been difficult for me to come up with ideas to draw and even harder putting them down on paper, putting so much pressure onto myself to make it look nice and presentable in case i want to put it on the internet, but lately i’ve come to realize just how toxic that is for me
rather than prioritizing “nice” drawings, i've started prioritizing making “crappy” ones that focus more on the idea being depicted rather than looking presentable, as a result, i’ve been putting more ideas on paper and keeping less of them inside my head, sure, imo they might not be decent enough to show to everyone else, but it’s way better than saying i never drew it at all
instead of using my private sketchbook as a means of simply getting better at drawing, i’ve also started using it as a visual journal for my ideas, journals are meant to get your thoughts down and it isn’t supposed to look “presentable”
i mean, that’s what a sketchbook is for afterall right? i just can’t believe it took me this long to figure out that’s what works best for me
TL:DR - drawing to get better at drawing ❌ drawing to journal my thoughts even if it looks bad ✅
Some memes by the Aphantasia Club, go follow them on twitter and instagram for more!
Anyone else an aphant?
For anyone unfamiliar with the term, an aphant is someone who has aphantasia, or someone with a blind mind’s eye.
What the eff does that even mean, you ask? Well, let me explain:
If you ask a person with aphantasia to close their eyes and picture an apple…they see…NOTHING. That’s right…nothing…just darkness. Not even a faint outline of an apple. Just a blank screen.
When I realized I had aphantasia, I was shocked, bewildered, and quite upset. As someone who always considered themselves one with a rich imagination and the ability to daydream the day away, it was quite Earth-shattering to realize that my daydreams are NOT the same as 96%-99% of others on Earth?!?
I felt completely ripped off!
Aphantasia affects 1%-4% of the WORLD’s population! That’s it! (Though I think it is probably higher, because if people are like me, they aren’t aware of it…)
You see, when most people “count sheep” to try and sleep…they actually close their eyes and see SHEEP! …or…at least some version of sheep. Sometimes the scene is very faint, just vague shapes, others see black and white, or just outlines…yet still others, (like my husband…the lucky SOB) see a technicolor movie of sheep jumping fences that he can manipulate, adding a saddle with a monkey on the back of one, if he wanted to.
Me…I. See. Nothing. Darkness. An infinite void…no matter how hard I try.
As an aphant, I don’t have the ability to visualize. Instead , when I had to “visualize” in an exercise at school, or during meditation, I didn’t see anything…I conceptualized…I just, sort of, knew it.
Some aphants describe it like a computer with all the information and memory, but no screen to show it. I guess that is accurate…though it feels cold. I can daydream for hours without seeing a single picture in my head. Though most of my daydreams are more about the feelings and inner thoughts of the stars of the daydream.
Which makes sense to me, because when I write, the scenery and exterior atmosphere is second to the emotional noises going on in the hero, heroine, villain, or villainess’ heads…I connect with the character not the environment. I always have to go back and fill that part in later.
Any other aphants relate? Or have your own experience?
Aphantasia is a characteristic where you can’t form mental images to “see” things in your head. Learn more about this trait.
“One year ago, I discovered that I don't have any superpower. When I close my eyes, everything is dark. Yet, 98% of the world's population is phantasic. 98% of the world's population can see an apple in their mind when asked to picture one; can meditate by imagining themselves on a beach; can count sheep to fall asleep. 98% of the world's population has the ability to picture mental images in their mind's eye. On the contrary, 2% of the population is aphantasic. This beautiful word, whose etymology comes from the ancient Greek phántasia—which literally translates to "image, apparition"—simply means that in our head, everything is black. Eyes closed or open, we have no ability to see something that is not there; to picture a scene that will not happen; to replay our memories like movies. While dozens of images may have crossed your mind as your eyes read those lines, for me, everything is black.”
If you are interested in buying this book, it’s available here:
Lulu
Barnes and Nobles
Amazon (worldwide)
If you prefer to read the results of the research without buying the book you can download it here
Finally, if you just want to discuss about aphantasia, you can follow Aphantasia club on twitter and instagram, thanks!!
A very engaging article on Aphantasia, by Larissa MacFarquhar.
