#aspd stuff

[openmindpsych]

stigmatized disorders should come with free hammers to use to beat up people who try to insist that you don't have that disorder because you're not an irredeemable monster

[until-my-teeth-fell-out]

I like attention. Unfortunately, it has to be in the way I like or I start killing and eating people.

[mental-illness-bingo]

Might try and draw a version of the tbh creature but for aspd. Is nvm taken yet? If not I may call it the nvm creature.

Edit: Nvm is taken for OCD, is idc creature taken?

[just-another-sociopath]

my ep is trying to explain the concept of empathy to me, which is really interesting actually. like. ppl actually feel what other ppl are feeling? just bc someone else is feeling it?? and there are emotions you can logic your way out of them, but that’s? not all of them apparently? like ppl can only turn off some, not all? this is genuinely intriguing. always thought it was hyperbole, in all honesty. like, there’s no way ppl are serious about this right?? but they are. huh.

[just-another-sociopath]

✨💞random violent urges💞✨

[just-another-sociopath]

when i move out, i’m going to cut contact with my family. 

not officially, of course. i’m not gonna tell my parents “i’m not your child anymore!!1!1!”, nothing dramatic, or even attention-getting. there’s no reason to do that. they weren’t bad parents. they just didn’t understand me. they didn’t know what i needed. i don’t hold it against them, i didn’t either. i’m only just figuring it out myself. 

but they won’t be able to visit me, that’s for sure. i won’t have an address to give them anyway, i’ll be travelling too much for that. maybe i’ll stop by once or twice, if i happen to be in town (not very often, on purpose). maybe i’ll email them once a year or so. i don’t know. but there will be as much distance between us as possible. i don’t want to stay here. i can’t. everything here ties me down, family included. 

i’ll do my best not to hurt them. they shouldn’t blame themselves. at least not too much. i’ll tell them i’m so busy, so stressed, travelling so much, just so overwhelmed by everything, apologize. they’ll believe i’m doing my best. after a couple years they’ll stop trying so hard. maybe they’ll stop trying at all. 

it’ll sting a bit, most likely, more on their end than on mine. but frankly, why should i stay in their lives? i don’t love them. i’m not capable of it. i can’t explain it to them, they’d never understand it. it’s not personal. there’s only one person in the world i genuinely love in any real way. i sometimes wish i was capable of loving the way everyone else seems to, but i’m just not. i’m coming to terms with that, slowly but surely. 

they get in the way of my dreams. i want to travel, be someone new with everyone new i meet, not be tied to anyone or anything. impossible to hold down. it’ll never happen, it’s incompatible with me as a person. but god, i wish.

[just-another-sociopath]

anyway i’m starting another side blog because i’m an attention seeking bitch! this one’s for controversial opinions (that i may or may not even believe myself!) so uh, here goes i guess!

i love creating entirely new personas for myself just to get hate mail, this is normal and healthy <3

[just-another-sociopath]

yesterday all i had until like 6pm was coffee and dr pepper. which is not the best lmao. but the main result that fucked me up was that oh my god that amount of caffeine, especially with nothing else, makes me exhausted. (thanks, ADHD. real helpful there, buddy.) and being that bone fucking tired makes it incredibly difficult to mask. especially ASPD shit. 

long story short, i snapped at my friend. and now they’re pissed at me. which like, honestly fair, i was an asshole. and they might not even be that mad at me, i don’t know, we haven’t really talked. but i’ve never done anything like that before, my mask is all friendly and sweet and would never yell or curse at a friend! maybe someone who was an asshole, but never a friend! and now i don’t know what the fuck to do. i can’t explain, oh it’s because i wasn’t masking, because they’d fucking hate me if they knew i have ASPD. like, i’m trying to educate them, but there’s still a lot of ableism we haven’t worked through. and we’re not at a point where i could be like “hey this is a thing” and they wouldn’t assume that means everything i’ve told them about PDs was just to manipulate them and make them trust me. but i can’t just leave it be you know? they’re pissed, and if they stay pissed, it’s gonna fuck up the whole dynamic with them and our whole group that i’ve worked so damn hard to build. 

and i guess on some level i feel bad? like i don’t know what i feel exactly, alexithymia’s a bitch. but like, i know i upset them. i don’t like upsetting them. but also, an apology would be really fucking fake. i’m not sorry. what i did made them upset but i didn’t really do anything wrong, per se. i was pissed already, they knew that, they were bothering me, i told them off for it. i’m not sorry for what i did. i’m just sorry that it had the effect it did. and that’s not how being sorry is supposed to work, and it’s definitely not what they want to hear. so i guess i’ll wait until they bring it up and hope i’ve got it figured out by then.