#asserting boundaries

[lesbian-bookworm]

TW: Drinking/Alcohol Abuse

Okay so I have a friend who drinks a LOT. And she sometimes gets so drunk that she becomes violent and cruel. 

I have decided recently that I am setting some hard boundaries with her and her husband (her husband also being a good fried) that im no longer going to be around them when she is this drunk and when/if she becomes this drunk while im hanging around I will immediately go home. 

I don’t think that this will in ANY WAY curb the amount she drinks or how often she becomes violently drunk but I know it will be better for my mental health for me to not be around her when shes like that. 

Because when shes like that she does one of two things

She starts trying to play therapist to my trauma and gets really angry if I dont want to talk about it

Starts screaming at me and basically affirming every single insecurity I have ever had and calling me all sorts of shit and starting arguments out of thin air. 

I feel like this somehow makes me an asshole. But that might also be because I have an exceptional amount of trouble with asserting boundaries.  

[nonmillennialstruggling]

Pissed

For some reason now I’m really really angry that my friend is still here.  The thing is I have my 40th birthday next week and was really really looking forward to having my place to MYSELF this month because it is a difficult month for me.  THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO BE WELCOMING IN MY 40th BIRTHDAY AND I’M PISSED THAT HE HAS PUT ME IN THIS POSITION.  Asserting having my place to myself felt/feels like an important boundary for me/about self-care.  (And I kinda want to let him know this but also don’t want to make him feel bad.)  Than this ridiculous elder abuse allegation came up and my friend said that he thought it would show greater stability if he staid put.  Honestly part of me wonders if it’s legit.  I mean it seems a little weird that his friend who works for “the state” (technically the bureau of prisons) would have access to notes on the case and it is weird to me that he was talking about moving out but then clearly never mentioned anything to his grandmother.  And I hate that I’m questioning the legitimacy of this and feel taken advantage of but I am and I do.  I do wish that I was firm about him moving out by the end of September or October.  I mean we never really discussed it in advance so I felt bad about saying “get out now” at the end of October, especially if there’s this elder abuse allegation going on, but honestly I never thought that he would try to stay past October.  I thought it was a given.  I get that moving is a pain but if it were me and I could afford it I would not be staying with a friend who I was displacing onto an air mattress for six weeks now.  And he said that he would be out by the date that I said I had permission from the landlord but that’s tomorrow and I told him that was the date last Sunday but clearly he is not tracking that.  I JUST WANT MY PLACE TO MYSELF AT THIS POINT.  I WANT THEM GONE.  And I feel like I have to censor myself around them.  There is a reason that I didn’t get a roommate after my old roommmate moved in with her boyfriend.  I am an introvert and need time/space to myself.  I like to swear and curse and growl and feeling like I have to put a muzzle on that is really annoying.  If I knew this is what it would be like/how long they would be here there is no way in hell I would have offered my place up.  He has enough money to afford a hotel.  I am pissed that I am in this situation.  Now I’m not sure if I should tell him about having wanted my place to myself this month because it is a hard month for me and that next week is a big week for me and that felt like an important boundary to have my place to myself but I didn’t say anything before because I thought he would be gone already and then he did say that he would be gone by the date that I said the landlord gave but that is Sunday and clearly he has not made plans to move out and I naively thought that the elder abuse investigation would be closed after the wellness visit that was supposed to happen last week that didn’t.  On the one had it feels important for me to let him know this just as a matter of principle/asserting myself.  On the other hand I don’t know that there's really anything I can do about the situation and don’t want to make him feel bad if there’s nothing that can be done.  But with this supposed investigation, I don’t know how long it may take and don’t want to host them until they can buy a place, which who knows how that may take.  So I kinda do want to let him know that I expected them gone already and that this is NOT how I wanted to be spending this very stressful month for me and that I am annoyed with the situation.  I’m not sure if I’m positing here just to vent or if I really do NEED to say something to him.  I just hate that this important date is coming up on me and it feels like I’m running out of time and there’s nothing I can do about it and as is I’m not excited about it but then I really wanted to do good self-care around it and with this situation I just feel like I have less control and feeling like I have some control is really important for me for this date.  After writing this I feel like I should say something tomorrow.  Maybe say that I didn’t bring it up before because I thought he would be gone and then naively thought that the case would be closed but that then again he did say that he would be gone by the date that the landlord gave and that is Sunday so wtf gives.  I’M JUST SO ANNOYED THAT I’M IN THIS SITUATION.  I really wish I was firm about how long I could host him and his grandmother and his dog and that I was upfront about that time period from the beginning.  I just honestly never thought he would push things this far.  One thing that does feel important to me is that if I get a job offer next week and negotiate a December 2nd start date, I do want to have my place to myself for a week before I’d start.  I may go right from working to a grad program and am giving up my desk downtown after the lease ends early next year: this is time that I won’t ever have again and having at least one week in my “old” routine (e.g., working downtown and then coming home to solitude) feels really important to me.  So I shouldn’t feel bad about asserting having a week to myself before starting but part of me does.  I mean if I say I just need one week and say that I’m not asking them to move out until the case is closed, I think that’s more than enough.  At any rate, writing helps me sort through my feelings and I have been using tumblr to vent about things to help keep me clear headed.  If it’s something that really is going to bother me then I will say something.  So far I have been fine with venting on tumblr and my feelings have not spilled over into my interactions with them.  If I feel like my feelings will spill over into my interactions with them then I need to say something before that happens.  I may be getting to that point with next week.  So I think I will let him know tomorrow about having wanted the place to myself and why it’s important for me, and that while I’m not asking them to move out until the investigation is closed (or maybe December 1st?), that I will want a week of having the place to myself before starting a job if I get an offer.                

Edit:  OK I was just posting this to vent so that I could process my feelings and stay clear-headed and so that it wouldn’t affect my interactions with them.  I did ask if I could have the week to myself if I get the job offer (did not mention about November being a triggering month or why... I don’t really want people who know me to know about it) and he understood it.  So that feels good but I didn’t really feel good about the conversation during or afterwards.  I feel bad about asking them to give me a week because his grandmother doesn’t have a power wheelchair and so has more mobility limitations that would make a week get away more difficult.  I guess the situation is what it is.  Honestly I don’t expect to get the job offer though.  I think my evil former adviser will throw a wrench into things.  I did message my career center contact asking about resources on job term negotiation and she messaged back referring to “when I secure the position,” which was honestly a bit triggering since I’m pretty sure that my evil former supervisor has it out for me and that I won’t get the position as a result.  Honestly because of her I don’t see myself being able to get anything other than $11/hr jobs through the one temp agency that seems willing to work with me since they didn’t contact her (the temp agency that presumably did contact her I have not heard from).  So essentially I have wasted about the last decade of my life on degrees that I cant actually use but whatever.  I think am just over everything at this point.         

[a-broader--sensibility]

This is a personal (not political) post.

To anyone who has someone in their life who throws flailing, shifting, scorched-earth temper tantrums when you try to assert boundaries or say “no,” you will understand that the phrase “No is a complete sentence” doesn’t work in those situations. If you know somebody who absolutely refuses to acknowledge or respect your autonomy and you right to make choices they don’t like, you will understand that you can’t “just” say no to people who refuse to take no for an answer. When someone responds to your “no” by bringing up a laundry list of things in your life you’ve ever done wrong, referencing medical advice they don’t truly understand, attacking what they know to be your insecurities, making uninvited suggestions, claiming to read your mind and know what you are truly thinking/feeling, claiming to be victimized by you or guilt-tripping you in other ways, lying or obfuscating about past events or simply getting in your personal space, raising their voices and repeating themselves until you are too exhausted to fight back, you can be sure that some of this pat advice about simply saying “no” or asserting your boundaries is unhelpful in these situations.

What I’m saying is, do what you have to do. Whatever you know will work in your situation, just do it. You can’t always grey-rock or stonewall people like this. Sometimes you have to just give in, or at least make the appearance of giving in. It is not manipulative or wrong to pretend to obey the commands of someone who was not entitled to command you in the first place.

[celestiaquixs]

Understanding Family Exploitation The content outlines the complex, traumatic family dynamics surrounding a person named Celestia Quixs, detailing financial exploitation and emotional abuse by family members. Key figures include Annette, who mismanaged funds and used their relationship to her advantage, and Jeanine, who initiated conspiracies to deflect attention from her actions. Celestia documented these events, asserting boundaries, and ultimately reclaimed agency over their life amidst ongoing family turmoil.... https://celestiaquixs.com/understanding-family-exploitation/

[autism-asks]

Do you have any tips for when a friend forces you to play a game which has mental health warnings? She knows my mental health isn't very good but she still made me play it anyway. Thank you!

I would suggest sticking to your resolve in a situation like this. If your friend tries to pressure you into playing the game, refuse. If she keeps pushing the issue, leave. If you can’t actually go somewhere else, go to the bathroom and stay there until she’s done. Show her that you are not going to give in to her. 

If your friend continues to ignore your boundaries in this way, then she isn’t treating you like a friend and you may need to consider taking a break from the friendship until such a time she is willing to respect the boundaries you set for yourself. 

-Sabrina

[thedailypomegranate-blog]

How your NM (Narcissistic Mother) responds will be unique to her. Some will be indignant and call you out, others will pretend compliance and try to get around the new rules with feigned emergencies or pretended lack of understanding. Others will retaliate by withholding things they think are important to you while still others will comply superficially, but use the new situation as a source of Nsupply from their friends and family members. Some may even cut all contact with you in retaliation, but put the blame on you for the purpose of getting Nsupply from others. You are going to be the bad guy, make no mistake about it, but it is the only way you can reclaim control of your life, so you are going to have to deal with the censure as it comes.

The Narcissist’s Child: The ABC of Boundaries: Keeping the Narcissists at Bay