mindset shifts & reframes for anxious attachment:
message: I’ve been doing a lot of inner work lately regarding my anxious attatchment (again) of course because of course you never stop growing and learning and I’m determined to fill myself up with clean water until I rinse all the dirt out. I wanted to share with you some mindset shifts and reframes I’ve discovered that can help you become more aligned with a more secure version of yourself and therefore navigate your relationships in a safe way. These types of things take willpower and the ability to slip into that small space between autonomous behavior and making a change and turn the dial all the way towards making a change. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Show yourself grace. Give yourself time to open up and explore what it may look like and feel like to not be imprisoned by your fear of loss or abandonment. I’ve sort of been tiptoeing around this topic, on my personal TikTok I posted a couple of slides about what you should be doing to prepare yourself for long term relationships and marriage if that’s what you seek. I wanted to do more relationship, self help and self care content. I feel that my place on my blog has been a lot of divination content and trying to gently guide the collective in the direction of healing through that divination which is just as beautiful and valid but I want to help in any way I can and know how.
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1. Someone’s behavior, silence, or choice isn’t always about you.
This one’s a really good grounding technique I’ve learned to use over the years. This practice of course, requires practice and your willingness to step outside of yourself and see things from a rational perspective while you’re in the throws of nervous system dysregulation and/or anxiety. Misunderstand me not, I have seen peoples opinions about the minds of the anxious attached and how villainized they may become by outsiders for being “selfish” or “self-centered” or “being intentionally manipulative to restore or create closeness”. The truth is a large root of a lot of your behavior is fear of abandonment or loss and when you’re up to your neck in anxiety it’s really hard for anyone to rationalize or step outside of that blinding dysregulation so that they can take the wheel and drive themselves to safety. You may love and care for someone deeply, want them around, want their attention, want their time, or want to feel as though they value you and they very well could but it’s important to realize and recognize that the cause for someone’s behavior is not ALWAYS due to something we did,said, or were. Humans are messy, people’s lives are complicated, people participate in various behaviors with various functions. Just like yourself they may slip into behaviors or mental states that push them to participate in behavior not everyone understands or interprets clearly.
2. Identify your fears and what keeps you imprisoned in your anxiety or what pushes you to participate in any such behavior that may take a lot out of you to do or may cause you to feel a sense of shame after all is said and done.
These fears can be all types of things they can stem from rejection and shame that we’ve accumulated over the years, ideas of self inadequacy or imposter syndrome, fear of abandonment, fear of being too much or fear of vulnerability, fear of being forgotten, fear of being unlovable, etc. you are going to want to try to train your mind to disconnect from the beliefs that fuel these ideas although it may be difficult due to you potentionally not having adequate real life reinforcement to solidify these positive ideas, lacking real reinforcement of your worth or having not experienced real or secure love. A helpful practice is to pause and ask yourself what you’re trying to protect yourself from. For example, if you’re the type of individual who may over apologize or over explain you may fear that if you don’t and if you don’t genuinely convince this person that you are sorry or what your intentions were they may pull away and become upset with you due to a misunderstanding that you would perceive to be your fault. After you identify this fear and it being the root of the behavior, now you’ll then practice telling yourself that you are safe even if you’re misunderstood or you may even practice training yourself not to catastrophize because you felt you caused a misunderstanding.
3. Understand that you can lead with emotional maturity without being perfectly regulated
It could be highly unlikely that you’ll get everything perfect right away in a connection that is causing you to stretch these muscles. Step away from the shame regarding your shadows and choose to be proactive instead. Leadership in love and connections means recognizing when your fear is speaking and choosing not to let it drive. You do not have to be perfect. Your fear regarding your flaws is a learned behavior and it will make your ability to overcome this road block if you play into the idea that everything will be blown to smithereens just because you became upset, because you got scared, or because you were triggered.
4. Shift from anxious to secure
It is always a good practice to attempt to embody the energy that you want to become even if you have to pretend or even if you don’t feel you’re fully ready to do it. Allow yourself the luxury of repetition (of positive and safe mantra/affirmation and behavior), awareness, and nervous system regulation. It’s all possible. You can overcome this as you can overcome many things and likely have. Knowing that you can heal your anxious attachment and you’re not doomed or set to suffer under anxiety, fear and heavy emotional distress for the rest of your life is genuinely important and will set you free. Your mind will learn to make a new habit and accommodate your new found behaviors but you have to be willing to stand up and make the change.
5. Find yourself a nervous system safety plan
You likely get extremely frustrated with yourself and the way you struggle to self soothe and it likely makes things worse. What you need to do while you’re in a neutral state and your mind is clear. Find ways in which you can regulate your nervous system, soothe yourself or show up for yourself in your time of need. What can you lean on, what practices can you step into that are safe and will return you to neutral state naturally and allow you to continue moving forward and come out renewed. This one’s tricky especially for people with trauma or who may have a disposition towards harmful and addictive behaviors but it’s worth it!! Take control of your life and your habits or else they will take control of you and you will lose yourself to it further than you feared you’d lose yourself to abandonment, loss, or undesired outcomes.
3. Using scripts, mantras, affirmations and prayers may help you regulate your nervous system
I used to neglect my investment into affirmation and mantra, it was difficult for me to open my mind, heart, and ears to allow it to penetrate fully especially while I was not fully surrendered to the divine, to God, or to spirit. But repetition is a proven way to create change and it is a wonderful way to drown out fears or unwanted beliefs. Write things down, read affirmation, read Quran, The Bible, or a text you find comfort in, journal!!!, say/recite things out loud.
4. Separate feeling abandoned vs being abandoned
This one has a lot to do with your anxiety as well. Your anxiety is not always telling the truth and it’s extremely likely that you may “sense”, interpret or feel something that has been molded or pressed into shape by your past experiences or memories you have that have perhaps reinforced your fears further. But just because it’s happened before does not mean it’s going to happen again and it does not mean that you are condemned to face that reality for the remainder of your life. You can validate how you feel without affirming it to be truth or assuming! Put that self soothing routine into action while you wait for clarity or an answer!
5. Keep reinforcing the truth that you will not abandon yourself!
If you haven’t mastered that skill yet you’ll learn!!! If someone leaves or a relationship doesn’t work you will be there and you will bring yourself comfort!! Someone walking away, does not equal losing you. You can remain grounded, loving, and whole.
6. Understand what healing anxious attatchment is about
Healing, anxious attachment isn’t about needing less or trying to reduce your emotional output or attachment. It’s about trusting more (yourself, your boundaries and your discernment or your ability to see what is true and what is false!)
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This is short but I hope it was helpful!
