I’m naturally a very vulnerable and emotional person in absolutely almost every aspect of my life except one. With my mother and in familial relationships and connections. I always said that I am not family oriented and I probably won’t be until I create and start my own family. I find that I have trouble when it comes to tolerating my mother and other members of my family when they start behaving badly or exuding toxic behaviors and ideas. I cannot even watch my mother cry about anything without becoming aggravated or annoyed, I cannot accept affection from my mother without becoming aggravated or annoyed and in the event that she starts trying to “parent” me or be a mother to me or demand my respect or obedience I’ve always become annoyed and aggravated. I fall into a spectrum really of having an anxious attachment style whilst having an avoidant dismissive attachment style in matters of family and within the home. Even throughout my mothers mistreatment, I don’t respond to it with sadness or crying I’m more likely to be angry and immediately be on the defense. But, I’m likely to respond with sadness and crying in other areas of my life that are equally as painful/frustrating or emotionally draining if not “more”.
I think that I am more closely anxiously attached in romantic relationships and connections within my life or I have been in the past and I am more avoidant dismissive avoidant in familial relationships.
I believe that, some of this is a result of me having an emotionally immature parent as well, I’ve been put in the position of an adult or a parent for a long time for someone who was supposed to be an adult/parent to me. So, to see vulnerability or emotional instability within my parent, or to feel affection from my parent, does not go over well with me at all and triggers me.
I’ve also noticed that it is extremely difficult for me to build profound relationships with members of my family. Even those that I love or admire, I’m not as moved by them as I would be people who are apart of other aspects of my life who aren’t related to me. I have siblings, and people always tell me that I hive off only child energy and I’ve always remained unattached to them and am not tolerant or patient of any of their behaviors that are harmful or toxic to me or others. Deaths in the family don’t necessarily shake me either, even if I love and admire you in my own way.
