Pairing: Co-worker Seokjin X Female Character | OC named Hyunjae
Story: Co-workers -> Friends -> Lovers
Word Count: 4.8k
Warnings: slight angst, all safe for now
Good morning—it's the day of Starlight’s newest artist press conference. You woke up early, despite the lingering hangover from last night.
Your face was puffy from the hangover and a little bit of crying before you went to bed, so you added a few extra steps to your beauty routine to make sure you wouldn’t look like a overcooked bread fresh out of the oven. You wanted to look your best today, especially after last night’s revelations—Seokjin declaring he’d never like you and that you weren’t his type. A crushed heart won’t tear you down. It only makes your fire burn hotter. If you can’t make Seokjin like you, surely there are other guys out there you could charm, right? It’s not like you didn’t have your fair share of admirers back in college. You know how this works. You just chose not to focus on that aspect of life while adjusting to the city. But being rejected before even confessing—it unlocked something inside you. You’re done being the goody good.
So, you searched for your best dress, applied your best daytime makeup, and slipped into your favorite pumps. This Starlight project—even if you’re just helping—could open doors and build connections. There’s no certainty, but there’s potential. So off you go, ready to seize the day.
You arrived 30 minutes before your shift started, so you headed to the pantry to prep some coffee and grab a sandwich from the vending machine. On your way, you noticed the twins in a conference room and greeted them. They told you they’d call you around noon for the final briefing before the afternoon press conference.
And guess who was already in the pantry?
“Good morning, sunbaenim,” you said, bowing quickly and standing upright without making eye contact with Seokjin. You walked straight to the coffee machine and didn’t say another word.
Seokjin was surprised—you looked stunning in your red pencil skirt, white top, and black heels. You didn’t look like someone who drank heavily the night before. You looked fresh. Fierce. He cleared his throat and said, “Good morning, Angel. No hangover?”
That stupid nickname again. Why does he keep using it when he’s made it clear there’s no flirting possible between you two? He’s already built those high walls.
“No, sunbaenim. All good. I was sober even before I left you guys,” you replied coldly.
Then silence.
You were determined not to say another word unless it was work-related. Your coffee finished brewing in seconds, and you walked straight back to your workstation without even glancing at Seokjin.
He felt the shift in the air—the awkwardness, the chill—and stayed quiet, just sitting there, staring at you, lost in thoughts only he knew.
“Good afternoon, Starlight babies! Our press conference starts at 3 PM, and we’ll head to the venue right after this meeting. We just want to do a final check on the important stuff, you know? Let’s start with catering and security, courtesy of our beautiful Hyunjae here. Isn’t she stunning today? Did you shower with gold and butterflies this morning, dear? You look gorgeous!” Shunmi couldn’t hide her admiration for your unfamiliar aura today.
“Shut up, Shun,” you said with a smile, then added, “Well, maybe I just wanted to be extra today since we’re meeting Starlight peeps. Maybe I’ll catch someone’s attention and score a date for tonight’s after-party. Can’t a woman dream?” You grinned at Shinmei and Shunmi.
Seokjin, hearing your comment, chimed in, “Well, if you want a date tonight, you could ask one of the guys from marketing, you know?” He glanced at you briefly before turning to Shinmei. “Do you have a date tonight, Shin? How about you, Shunnie?”
Before either twin could respond, you blurted out, “Oh, sunbaenim, I never thought of asking anyone from our company since they might not find me date-worthy. I’m fine going alone if I’m not charming enough to catch someone’s eye at the press con.” You gave him a quick grin, then turned cold again.
“Shinmei already asked her roommate, Seojoon, to be her plus one for the afterparty. I’ve got a date too. Well, if you don’t have a plus one yet, Seokjin, you could go with Hyunjae. If it’s okay with her… is it okay, Hyunnie?” Shunmi, sensing the tension between you two, tried to smooth things over—or maybe stir the pot. You weren’t sure.
“Oh, I’m okay, Shun. I’m sure our good sir here will easily find a date. And why would he take me? Right, sunbaenim?” You looked Seokjin straight in the eyes.
“Well… yeah. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just skip the afterparty or go solo. It’s not a big deal anyway,” Seokjin replied, trying to dismiss the conversation.
“Okay, enough with the plus-one talk. Let’s get into the press con details. Hit it, Shinmei,” Shunmi redirected the topic and kicked off the meeting.
No words were exchanged between you and Seokjin during that agonizing hour. After the meeting, you returned to your desk and focused on your own projects. You wouldn’t be needed by the twins until around 3 PM, so you buried yourself in work. You noticed Seokjin wasn’t at his desk—probably with Minji and the interns. Better that way. His presence only annoyed you now. You just wanted the day to end so you could go home and eat ice cream until your heart healed.
Time flew. At 2:30 PM, you left the office to head to the press con venue. The twins had left earlier, and you were just about to hail a cab when someone called your name.
“Hyunjae! Come on!”
You turned and saw Seokjin in his Palisade. Again. No, not again.
“I’m taking a cab to the press con. I’m fine,” you yelled back.
Seokjin pulled up in front of you and rolled down the window. “But I’m heading there too—we can go together. Come on, we’ll be late.” He opened the passenger door.
Without a word, you got into the car and stared straight ahead, refusing to look at him.
“Angel, safety first. Seatbelt, please,” Seokjin said softly, his voice tinged with concern.
You grabbed the belt and locked it yourself. You didn’t wait for him to help. You couldn’t stand another second of being close to him. He annoyed the hell out of you—pretending to be sweet when you knew he was just being casual. Or maybe he really was casual. Maybe it was you all along who thought you were someone special to him.
“Okay, good girl. Now let’s drive.” You saw a smirk on his lips as he started the car, eyes fixed ahead. You wished the venue wasn’t 15 minutes away—so you wouldn’t have to suffer longer.
You arrived at the venue, and Seokjin parked in the basement. Once settled, he got out first and ran around to your side of the vehicle. Was he going to open the door for you? No way. You wouldn’t let him. You hopped out before he reached you.
He looked a bit stunned—you’d beat him to it. He was about to open the door, but here you were… a strong, independent woman.
“Okay, let’s get it, Hyunjae,” Seokjin said, standing in front of you and extending his arm to gesture you lead the way.
Instead, you bowed and said, “Thanks for the ride, sunbaenim. Maybe you can go inside now—I’d like to go to the ladies’ room first. Again, thank you for driving us here.” You bowed again.
Without looking at him, you walked quickly—anywhere, just away from Seokjin. He didn’t even get a chance to respond. He simply turned and entered the press conference venue without you.
The press conference had started. You could hear the clicking of cameras and the chatter of media personnel filling the room. You scanned the crowd, looking for the twins, but couldn’t spot them anywhere.
A few minutes later, you were approached by the Catering Manager—Namjoon. You politely introduced yourself and learned that he was the same age as you, and surprisingly, the owner and manager of Chimmy’s. You’d only been coordinating with his assistant, Minho, during the event preparations, so this was your first time meeting Namjoon in person. He shared that Chimmy’s had been working with your company for quite some time, and he was thrilled that Starlight had chosen their catering services—it would be a great boost for their marketing.
“So, thanks, Hyunjae-ssi, for contacting us for this event,” Namjoon said, smiling widely, his deep dimples showing on both cheeks. You thought he looked adorable with those dimples. You were momentarily distracted.
“Oh, you’re always welcome! Chimmy’s will always be first on our list for events like this, and clearly, we’re never wrong to recommend you to our clients,” you replied, smiling back, unable to stop staring at his dimples and the way his eyes smiled with him.
“Have you eaten? I can ask one of the servers to get a plate for you. We’ve set up a station backstage for staff to rest and eat.”
“Oh no, I’m good. I think I’ll wait for Shin and Shunnie before I try those delicious-looking pastas over there…” You gestured toward the long table lined with chafing dishes filled with different kinds of pasta and sauces.
“Hey, I insist. The interviews might take a while, and the artist will be performing two or three songs afterward. You’ll be starving by then,” Namjoon said gently, and you could tell he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Alright, Mr. Kim. But only if you join me—I’d rather not eat alone.”
“Sure, Ms. Choi. Please follow me.” Namjoon led the way backstage, and you were strutting behind him when you suddenly felt a hand grasp your left arm.
You stopped and turned around—and there he was. Seokjin.
“Angel, where are you going?” His brows were raised, and he looked confused.
“Oh, Namjoon invited me to eat backstage. Namjoon of Chimmy’s,” you explained, trying to spot Namjoon in the crowd. He had just been in front of you moments ago before Seokjin appeared.
“Namjoon who? You’re accepting invites from strangers now?” Seokjin scowled.
“Sunbaenim, Kim Namjoon—the owner of Chimmy’s. I was with him earlier. He invited me to eat backstage with their staff while we wait for the press con to finish.” You looked around again, trying to find Namjoon in the sea of people, but he was nowhere in sight. You noticed Seokjin’s hand was still on your arm, so you gently shook it off.
“Okay then, I’ll come with you. Maybe we can eat together?” Seokjin looked slightly flushed after you shook off his hand, but his demeanor remained confident. You had no idea where he got that confidence—it was maddening.
“Well, we need to find Namjoon-ssi first. You’re technically gate-crashing,” you replied with a scowl.
“Am I not allowed to eat when our company is paying him? Well, not directly, but through us. And I’ll be up until dawn tonight with the afterparty, so I really need a proper meal.” Seokjin grinned, knowing you couldn’t argue with that.
“Come on then. He might already be waiting backstage.” You led the way, and Seokjin followed. You found Namjoon arranging a table.
“Hey, Hyunjae-ssi! Over here!” Namjoon called out.
“I thought I lost you there,” you said with a smile. “By the way, this is Seokjin—he’s my teammate. We’re working together on this project with Starlight. Can he join us?”
“Oh, of course! Please take a seat.” Namjoon pointed to the chair across the table. He pulled out the chair beside him for you, but just as he was about to sit next to you, Seokjin grabbed it and sat down instead. Namjoon looked confused but chose to sit across from you. He was glaring at Seokjin, and Seokjin was glaring back. What's going on with these two?
Breaking the awkward tension, Seokjin turned to you and asked, “So, what’s on the menu today?”
Namjoon, now smiling at you, replied, “We’ve got salmon steak, shrimp aglio olio, and good old Korean spicy chicken. For dessert, there’s mango mousse and red velvet cupcakes.”
Your eyes lit up at the mention of red velvet cupcakes.
“I super loooove red velvet cupcakes!! That’s perfect, Namjoon. Thank you!”
“Oh please, it’s nothing. Enjoy your meal.” Namjoon looked pleased to see your excitement. “I’ll leave you two here—I need to monitor the service out front. I’ll be back shortly. If you need anything, just call one of the waiters. They’ll know what to do.” You nodded, and Namjoon made his way out.
As you began eating, you noticed Seokjin only munching on the spicy chicken.
“Sunbae, why aren’t you eating the pasta or steak?” You sliced into the salmon and took a spoonful of pasta.
Seokjin, mouth full, swallowed and replied, “I’m allergic to seafood. So, I can’t eat fish or shrimp. I’m good with the chicken and desserts.” He smiled at you, chewing another mouthful of spicy chicken.
“I can ask Namjoon to bring something else—maybe beef or pork?” You looked at him, worried he wouldn’t get full.
“No, I’m good. I’ll stuff myself with desserts later. This old man’s a sucker for sweets anyway.” He smiled warmly, and your heart fluttered. He looked adorable with his cheeks full, still trying to talk.
A few minutes later, the desserts arrived. The red velvet cupcakes looked divine. You loved anything red velvet—cakes, cupcakes, ice cream, cookies. They looked good and tasted even better.
You grabbed three cupcakes and placed two on Seokjin’s plate. He looked at you, confused by the gesture.
“Eat up, Sunbae. Red velvets are the best in the world.”
Seokjin smiled and replied, “Yes, they are. Anything sweet, really.” He took a bite. “Mmm, this is good.” He savored the cupcake, watching you delicately munch on yours. Then a question popped into his mind. “Why do you love red velvet so much?”
You looked at him and answered, “My mom used to make red velvet cakes when I was little. We owned a bakery in Busan before we moved to Gongjin after my father passed away. She taught me how to make red velvet cakes and cookies. We tried to open a bakery in Gongjin, but she got sick and passed away. So, I moved to Ansan and lived with my aunt until I graduated college. Now, here I am in Seoul.” You smiled as you shared the story, reminiscing about your childhood and missing your parents.
Seokjin’s eyes softened. He felt something warm hearing you are opening up about something so personal. “I’m sorry to hear about your parents. That must’ve been tough. I’ve lived with mine my whole life, but it’s never been easy. You’re strong and amazing, you know that?” His voice was gentle, his gaze tender. You felt yourself melting under his soft looks.
“I-I-I’m okay. Yeah, seriously, I’m fine. I miss them sometimes, but I know they’re in a better place now.” You smiled back.
“You should bake a red velvet cake sometime. Maybe for my birthday?” Seokjin smiled cheekily.
“Oh, of course! I can make you one. When’s your birthday?” you asked, watching him devour his third cupcake and second mousse.
“December 4th. So, you’ve got a few months to practice and prepare.”
“I don’t need to practice—I’m a master. Just wait and see… and taste.” You giggled and smiled at him.
“I’m looking forward to that, then.” Somehow, being with Seokjin wasn't bad at all.
The press conference was a success. The crowd died down a few minutes after the event ended. Your team remained at the venue to monitor the clean-up crew, while the twins were busy with the Starlight staff, discussing important matters regarding the concluded conference and the upcoming after-party.
“I guess we’re not needed here anymore,” you said, standing beside Seokjin, who was seated on one of the empty chairs at the buffet table, munching on jellies from the dessert platter. Seokjin simply nodded and continued chewing.
“Sunbae, can we go home first and just return for the afterparty? I think we need to dress up for the occasion.”
Seokjin responded mid-chew, “Well, I think you can. The party starts at 7, so if you leave by 5 and fly to your place in 10 to 20 minutes, you’ll be at Euphoria just in time.” He winked while chewing, but that sarcastic smirk on his face wasn’t exactly charming to you.
“Oh well, I guess I’ll just change at the office then. Good thing I brought my dress.”
“We have a shower room on the 7th floor, beside the executive lounge. You can use the one of the small rooms there to change. Just ask the custodian to unlock it for you.”
“I’ve never been to that lounge before. Are we really allowed to use it?” you asked, raising a brow at Seokjin.
“Well, yeah, I think so. I’ve never been stopped from using it during overnight events near the office. I used to sleep on the lounge's couch. I’d just ask permission from Minji or Shinhye, and they’d inform the custodians so I wouldn’t get locked in.” He was still chewing his precious gummy bears, tossing them in the air while trying to make eye contact with you.
“I’ll text Shinhye-nim now so she can inform the custodians. How about you? Will you be going home too, or are you staying?”
“I’ll head to Euphoria after this. I’ll just change my outfit there.”
“Or maybe I can stay at Euphoria too? So, I don’t need to bother Shin Hye-nim?”
“Well, I guess you can. But don’t expect it to be more comfortable than the exec lounge. You know—it’s a bar.” Seokjin shrugged and tossed his last jelly gummy bear into the air, catching it with his mouth.
“Alright, I’ll see you at Euphoria in a bit. I’ll just grab my things from the office.”
You hurried out of the building without looking back at Seokjin. In his mind, he was heading to the office too—so why not go together?
He approached the twins, said goodbye to the staff, and rushed to the parking lot. He left the venue quickly, hoping to catch you at the bus stop (he knew you wouldn’t take a cab if there was a bus available). Unfortunately, you were nowhere to be seen.
“You’re fast… and dumb. We could’ve just ridden together,” Seokjin muttered as he drove back to the office.
Back at the office, you didn’t see Shinhye or Eunri. You were about to text Shin Hye when you saw a message from Eunri:
Eun Ri: Hello Hyunjae-ssi. Shinhye and I are heading to a dinner meeting with some clients. It’s a 3-hour drive, and if it gets late, we’ll spend the night at a nearby hotel. Call me if you need anything urgent. We’re on paid time off tomorrow per Mr. Kwon since we’re swamped with these back-to-back events, so no need to come in to work tomorrow! Enjoy your night with the girls and Seokjin :) Don’t get too drunk!! Xoxo
You: Unnie!! I need help. Can I use the shower room on the 7th floor? Sunbae said we can—can we really?
Eunri: Oh yes, you can. We have a spare key in our department drawer. Ask Seokjin for the key. Just make sure to lock it after. Enjoy your night!!
You: Thanks, Unnie!!! Take care too! Send my regards to Shinhye-nim :) Send pics of the restaurant and the food!
Eunri: Send pics from the party. You must have one selca with Seokjin, ok? ;)
You: No can do :D :P Love you!
You were about to dial Seokjin’s number when you saw him approaching your workstation.
“Sunbae, I thought you were at Euphoria already?”
“Figured I could use a shower before the party. Will you still be using the lounge?”
“Ahhh… actually, I was just about to call you to ask where the key to the supplies drawer is. Eunri-nim mentioned that you have it.”
“Yeah. Wait here…” Seokjin opened his desk drawer and pulled out a key. “In the department supplies drawer, the key to the lounge is in a red pouch.”
You took the key and walked over to the drawer, retrieving the red pouch. When you turned back, Seokjin was relaxed, scrolling through his phone while sitting on one of your computer chairs.
“Here’s the key, sunbae. You can go ahead and use the shower first.”
He replied without looking up, still scrolling, “No, you go ahead. I’ll wait here. Once you’re done, I’ll follow.”
A little hesitant, but you nodded. “Alrighty, be back in 20.” You headed toward the elevator, and just as the doors were about to close, Seokjin rushed in.
“Ugh. I think I’d wait in the lounge instead. Can’t risk seeing ghosts around here, you know?”
You were surprised—and amused. Seokjin… afraid of ghosts? You tried to hide your smile, but he caught your smirk in the elevator mirrors.
“Yah! It’s true! There are ghosts here!” Seokjin was flustered, his ears turning red with embarrassment.
“I’m not afraid of ghosts,” you said with a shrug, giggling. He raised a brow at you.
“Well, good for you. But I’m not staying there alone.”
“No worries, sunbae. I won’t leave you.” You smiled, and he gave a small smile back.
“You better not. I shouldn’t have given you the key if you were going to ditch me.”
The elevator reached the 7th floor, five stories down from yours.
“You go ahead and use the shower first. I’ll just wait here in the lounge,” Seokjin said, settling onto the sofa and turning on the TV.
You nodded and entered the room marked For Authorized Personnel Use Only. Inside was a shower with a bath, a sink, and a toilet. You opened one of the drawers and found a hair dryer, steam iron, and a few bars of soap and shampoo bottles.
You locked the door, undressed, and turned on the shower. The warm water was soothing, washing away the stress of the long day. And the night was just beginning. Thankfully, tomorrow was a day off, a long weekend for everyone.
After a few minutes under the water, you rinsed off and dried your hair. You pulled out your dress and gave it quick steam.
It was a black velvet mini dress, which you planned to accessorize with a sequined black corset. You’d pair it with fishnet stockings—very visible thanks to the high slit that ran up to your upper thighs.
The dress and stockings were on, but you realized the corset would be a struggle to tie on your own.
With the girls gone, your only option was Seokjin. And he needed to shower too, so there was no time to waste. Screw the shyness—you needed help with this stupid corset.
You opened the door slightly and called out, “Sunbae… I… I need some help. If you may?”
Seokjin, eyes still on the TV, responded, “Oh yeah? What is it, Hyun Jae?”
You stepped out of the shower room, and Seokjin was speechless at the sight in front of him.
You were in your dress and stockings, your hair pulled into a high ponytail, no makeup yet.
“I need help with this corset. Can you, you know, tie it up? It’s super easy—you just crisscross the ties, tighten them, and then make a final knot to fasten it.” You tried to demonstrate, but Seokjin was still sitting, just staring.
“Umm… it’s okay, sunbae, if you don’t want to…”
Snapping out of his trance, Seokjin stood up. “No, it’s okay. I can do that.”
He walked over, and you turned around, holding the corset in place at the top of your chest. Seokjin’s hands trembled slightly—not that you could see—as he began threading the ties.
Once the thin ropes were in place, you asked, “Uhm, can you tighten it more, sunbae?”
He gave a faint “Okay,” and pulled the ties tighter. You held your breath, making sure the corset fit snugly. “Is this tight enough? I’m going to fasten it into a knot now.”
You nodded, and he did just that. When you felt his hands leave your back, you stepped forward and turned around.
“You look good, Hyun Jae. So much for a gothic party, huh?” Seokjin said, eyeing your form from head to toe with a light smile on his lips.
“Thank you, sunbae, for the help. Well, you can use the shower now.” You were getting a little shy with those compliments from him. You quickly ducked back into the shower room to grab your things so he can't see your flushed face. Seokjin nodded and picked up his bag and went in.
While you were fixing your makeup in the lounge, you heard Seokjin blasting music from inside the shower. You chuckled—he really was a scaredy-cat, even in the shower.
A few minutes later, you had your high-cut leather boots on and were finishing your makeup in front of the TV, struggling with your tiny mirror. Then the shower door opened.
And there he was—a dashing, fine man in black leather pants, a black long-sleeve top, and a harness belt that emphasized his broad shoulders and slim waist. You blinked, stunned for a moment. “Wow… you clean up nice, Mr. Kim.”
Seokjin smirked. "I always clean up nice. Still remember that you called me gorgeous yesterday." He raised his brows and smiled cockily.
You laughed, almost like you could laugh your heart out. "You know... I think I was really drunk yesterday." You were holding your stomach as you laughed and tried to talk in between. "You sure have a plethora of confidence, sunbaenim."
Seokjin just waved his hand and shook his head in dismissal. "Well, I love myself. That's my secret for being this handsome." Then he posed cutely with his hands and winked.
This made you laugh more. But then he said something that made you stop laughing... and maybe a little breathless. "I don't mind if you think I'm gorgeous... you are stunning too..."
You stared at him for a good four seconds, then smiled.
"You know, that's enough flattery... we're gonna be late, sunbaenim."
Seokjin grabbed his bag and turned to you. "Well, I'm all set. Ready to go?"
You nodded, grabbing your purse. He walked over and picked up his coat, then noticed that you didn’t have anything to cover yourself, just the bare gothic chic costume you had on.
"You don't have a coat, Hyun Jae?"
"Ugh... yeah. Forgot to bring one. I have my cardigan in my workstation. I can grab it quickly..." You were approaching the lounge door when Seokjin held you by your shoulders and offered his own coat, holding it out for you. “No need. Here, let me.”
You slipped your arms into the sleeves, and he adjusted the collar gently.
“Thanks,” you said, smiling. He smiled back and winked at you. You gave a light chuckle at his gesture, and you walked together through the lounge door.
As you approached the elevator, standing side by side, you couldn't help but ask Seokjin...
"Sunbaenim, where's your date?"
He just smiled, not looking at you, and answered...
"Well, I think I've ruined the chance to ask her. So, no date tonight."
He raised his hand in defeat, then asked you back...
"How 'bout you? Got your plus one?"
You hesitantly answered...
"Well, I’m not sure if he'll be there... since I didn't get a reply and was seen zoned."
You both laughed at that. Then the elevator door opened, and you both stepped inside.
Once inside the elevator, he glanced at your tiny mirror and eyeliner pencil. “Need help?”
You raised a brow. “You do eyeliner now?”
“I’m an acting major, if you haven't known. Before landing a lead role, I was the designated makeup guy for three semesters.” he smiled fondly to the memory of his acting days.
You handed him the pencil, amused. “Alright, show me your skills.”
You closed your eyes as he leaned in with steady hands tracing a clean line across your lid. His hands do not tremble at all, yet the close proximity of his face to yours... when you've opened your eyes... you stared at his beautiful round orbs carefully scanning your eyes... you believe something inside you is not steady at all.
"Still got it." Seokjin's done with the eyeliner and gives you a proud smile.
You checked with your mirror and nodded in agreement.
"You are a man of many talents, Mr. Kim."
You both burst out laughing.
The air between you was charged, but comfortable.
As the elevator descended, Seokjin dramatically sighed. “If we don’t win best dressed tonight, I’m suing.”
You smirked. Is there a contest for being the best dressed? You don't remember but you like a little competition with Mr. Kim whenever his smug handsome face is overly confident. Then you answered, “You’re just mad I out accessorized you.”
“Impossible. I have this...harness belt?", he is caressing the black leather around his small waist while trying to remember what it is called and for what reason it is worn.
“Which I’m pretty sure you borrowed from a vampire.”
He gasped. “Nope. I am the vampire.”
You giggled. “Please don't bite me, good sir.”
He gave a mock bow. “If you promise to enjoy the party we've worked hard for... I'll spare you.” You chuckled and gave him a light pat on the shoulder. Then the elevator doors opened to the lobby, and the night awaited.
Alrighty! Part 2 is up.
I am having a hard time to finish chapter 3 because of so many things to do during my waking hours. I hope that after I watch MOA con on Sunday, I will be able to finish Part 3's draft. Please send me some love so I can be fired up to continue this story. or even a harsh comment, I really don't mind. hehe. love you lots my friends! Happy midweek! ~~~♥♥♥
summary: you accuse all men of not knowing how to make women cum, and your best friend, ever the competitive one, challenges you to let him show you that he doesn’t fall into that category. blame the tequila for what ensues
pairing: jungkook x reader
rating: (18 +) explicit
genre + warnings: pwp, fwb au, f2l au, smut, fluff | alcohol consumption, they’re a bit drunk and clumsy but both consent, kissing, straddling, marking, biting, jk finds out he has a daddy kink 😮💨, spitting, multiple orgasms, fingering, breast play, nipple biting, clit slapping, cunnilingus, squirting, googie’s obsessed with yn’s puss puss 🤪 unprotected penetrative sex, doggy, big cock!jeon, cream pie
word count: 3.3k
author’s note: this was supposed to be posted before 12am on 2.22 but i got a little carried away. honestly, idk what i was thinking 😩 enjoy this filth & happy birthday to me i guess 🥳
“Why the fuck do you have on a suit?” Jungkook sighs and rolls his eyes as you let him inside your apartment. You keep staring at him, though, and can’t deny how good your best friend looks in one. He removes his shoes and then proceeds to slip off the jacket and places it to hang on the coat rack before plopping down on your couch with another sigh as he rolls up the sleeves of his shirt, forearm tattoos in full view.
“My dad made me go with him to a meeting at his publishing company. Wants me to be more involved or whatever,” he shakes his head and then looks over at you when you ask if he’d like anything to drink. Jungkook doesn’t know what takes over him when he notices the way your shorts mold deliciously to your plump ass, white t-shirt riding up a little to reveal a sliver of soft skin as you bend over to grab something out of the fridge. Yeah, you were pretty, hot even, but he’s never looked at you that way. He especially never thought about how your ass would feel in his hands.
Maybe he’s just fucking exhausted.
“Jungkook?” He hears you chuckle, and he shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of sexual thoughts about his best friend.
“Huh?” Big, lost doe eyes look to you, and you laugh because you know how distracted he can get sometimes.
“I asked what drink you want. Water, juice, beer? You spaced out for a while there. You sure you’re okay?”
“Uh, yeah. Just a little tired. Not beer, though; I need something a little stronger after the day I had,” you nod and smile, knowing exactly what he might need. Your sister had brought over a bottle of Tequila last week for girl’s night at your home but never got to drink it. You both fell asleep after four beers and two shots of Haku vodka.
“Hm, I guess you haven’t told your dad what you actually want to do, huh?” You prepare six shots of Tequila and some chips and salsa to bring over to the living room. Jungkook looks up at you with a serious expression, knowing where you’re going with the question. But he’s surprised when you don’t push as you’ve done in the past. He’s grateful to you for always supporting him in his art career, in which his father doesn’t see a future for him.
“Bring the bottle,” he says when you go back into the kitchen to grab the napkins you forgot.
After a couple of shots and a whole devoured box of pizza later, you both sit laughing at the TV. A dating reality show came on while you talked about getting your entire group of friends together next week to plan a mini-vacation to Jeju Island. The contestant, a woman, talks about how none of her boyfriends ever made her cum. She usually had to finish herself off right after; other times, she faked it.
“Wait, you guys really do that? Fake orgasms?” Jungkook has an incredulous look on his face which makes you laugh. “I’m serious. Have you ever faked an orgasm?”
“Of course I have!” You snort a laugh. “I bet some of the girls you’ve been with have faked it too. Men rarely know what to do with a pussy.”
“Shut up, you’re drunk,” Jungkook laughs. “And it’s not true for me. I’ve made every girl I’ve been with cum. Bet I can show you a thing or two.” He lifts his chin at you, almost daring you to contradict him.
It’s kind of endearing the way he slurs his words a little, the cute lisp that appears when his satoori comes out. You decide to play with him, see what he’ll say. You enjoyed watching him get embarrassed, and he always played right into it too.
“Oh really? Do you think you can make me cum more than once? Do you even know how to go down on a girl, Googie?”
Shivers run down your spine at the way his eyes darken at your teasing words. He then smirks at you, tongue peeking out to play with his lip ring. Was it the Tequila, or was your best friend turning you on? Never one to back down, Jungkook decides to take on your dare.
“Baby, I’ll have you coming on my fingers, my tongue, and on my fat cock. By the time I’m done with you, I’ll have you speaking in tongues,” he bites his lip as he moves closer to you, his words making your walls clench. Your friend chuckles when he notices the way your thighs rub against each other and at the way your eyes fall on his crotch.
You can’t deny how fucking hot he is, with his dark eyes, dark hair, and tattoos that you always thought were so cool. What the fuck is wrong with you? He’s your best friend. You can’t think about him in that way! But it’s too late, isn’t it? Jungkook’s completely taken over your mind, and you can’t stop thinking about the things he could do to you. He’s so close you can feel his breath on your lips. The smell of Tequila makes you want to find out how it tastes on his tongue.
You stare into his eyes as your face moves closer to his, your tongue slipping out to lick at his bottom lip. The hand he’d placed on your thigh tightens at the touch. Other than that, he keeps still, his eyes roaming every inch of your pretty face, anticipating your next move. Why hadn’t he ever kissed you before? He lied to himself earlier. He had thought of you this way before a couple of years ago when he realized he liked you, maybe even romantically loved you, but the timing was always off. So, he put it out of his mind because he’d rather have you in his life as his best friend than have nothing at all with you.
Fuck, he’s never seen you aroused before, but the visual of you coming must be a work of art, and he couldn’t wait to experience it.
“You talk too much,” you whisper against his lips. “Come, eat me. Show me what that mouth can do.”
You didn’t think it could be possible, but his gaze darkens even more. Goosebumps appear everywhere on your skin when a sound that resembles a growl leaves his chest.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for, princess.” The pet name alone does things to you, and you yelp when he picks you up to lay you across the large couch, but he stumbles a bit, and he falls on top of you, forehead bumping into yours. “Fuck,” Jungkook looks at you, alarmed, hand rubbing at his head, and you can’t stop laughing.
“I guess you’re a little drunker than me, bestie,” your body wracks with laughter, but Jungkook shuts you up with a heated kiss, his arm snaking under your body to pull you onto his lap. You match his kiss with equal fervor as your arms fall tightly around his neck, chests glued to each other. You feel drunk on his kisses, and you don’t think the Tequila has anything to do with it.
Actually, you’re quite positive about it.
His groans as you grind on his cock make you weak. You never imagined him sounding so fucking good. You had no idea he’d be so vocal, and it’s so damn sexy. There’s nothing sexier to you than a man who isn’t afraid of not holding back from the pleasure you give them.
Jungkook grips your ass when you suck on his tongue and then let go to bite down on his lip, earning you a loud hiss and a slap to your ass cheek, “Bad girl,” the low tone in his voice, laced in arousal, makes it sound deeper than usual. You don’t remember ever being this wet over someone’s voice before.
“I’m sorry, daddy,” you teasingly murmur against his soft lips. His tattooed hand, slowly sliding inside your shorts, stops moving.
Your breath hitches when you realize something, “You’ve never been called daddy, have you? Too much?”
His answer comes in the form of plunging two fingers inside of you without warning, fast strokes taking your breath away. It’s true, no one’s ever called him that, but Jungkook was sure it wouldn’t have had the same effect if it were anyone else.
You cry out when Jungkook quickly finds your sweet spot, your fingers digging into his shoulders as his pace quickens. His eyes are stuck on your face, watching every expression as he continues to make your walls clench around his fingers. You want to slap the smug grin that appears on his face when he feels your cunt flutter with the signs of an impending orgasm, but who are you kidding? You can’t think straight right now. You can’t even form coherent words.
Damn him for being so good.
You look down and notice the way the veins on his forearms pop with every flick of his wrist, and that does it for you. You cum very quickly and hard, body spasming and your head falling on his shoulder. The pressure pushes his fingers out, but he chases your cunt and plunges them back inside, wrist rubbing against your sensitive clit as he continues to ride out your orgasm. It’s when you whine out of sensitivity that Jungkook stops.
“Fuck, Jungkook. That was…”
“I’m not done with you, princess,” he says, slipping his hand out of your shorts, cum dripping down his fingers. You about lose your mind when he sucks them one by one and hums at your taste. Your best friend was going to be the death of you. Who knew?
“Open up,” Jungkook drags down your bottom lip with his thumb, and you open your mouth for him, “Good girl, now, suck.” You moan at the mixture of his taste and yours on your tongue, eyes fluttering shut. You bite your lip when you feel his cock twitch underneath you.
He surprises you when he suddenly lifts you as he stands and wraps you around him, “What—”
“Bedroom princess. I need you to cum on my tongue now.”
Jungkook pins you against the bedroom door, his hands lift your shirt off your body, and then stops to admire your tits. You almost feel shy under his gaze, but it quickly becomes an afterthought when his large hands cup them, and his thumbs begin to circle your erect nipples. “You’re a fucking dream, YN,” he says before taking a nipple into his mouth to suck as his other palm kneads at your breast.
Your head falls back against the door with a wanton moan when he bites on your nipple and then does the same to the other one. Your cunt clenches, the need to be filled by him so desperate you grip his clothed cock. Jungkook groans into your breasts, bucking his hips into your palm as he leaves marks all over your chest.
“Ah, Jungkook, please. Need you now,” you beg, alternating between unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his shirt.
“Fuck, okay. Lie on the bed, princess. Take everything off for me, yeah?” You stumble a little as you walk over to your bed. Hearing Jungkook laugh under his breath, you turn and pout at him as you plop on the bed. “You’re cute when you pout. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”
You’re lifting your bottom half to slide your shorts and panties off when you address him, “There are many things you haven’t told me. Like how horny you’ve been for me this whole time,” you tease.
“As if you haven’t been as horny for me for the longest, huh?” Touché, you think. Of course, he’s not wrong, but you don’t answer him. You can’t because your brain is literally malfunctioning at the sight of the man before you, slowly slipping his shirt off his jacked-up body. Jungkook was fucking beautiful everywhere. He tugs down his dress pants along with his black boxer briefs, and your eyes widen like saucers at how huge his dick is.
“J—Jungkook, you’re going to destroy my pussy with that,” and he dares to laugh—full body laughs at your concern. You’re not complaining, just worried a little. But your body has other plans as it reacts to every slow step he takes towards you while he pumps his length a few times.
Are you drooling? Maybe. Definitely. Fuck, you started this.
“With this thing? Nah. You were made for me, YN. You’ll see how perfectly you’ll fit around me,” God, his filthy words sent shivers down your spine.
The anticipation of what he might have in mind for you has you on edge. This is the most fun you ever had with someone sexually, and he just so happened to be your childhood friend. The first time he made you cum was mind-blowing. It’s like he already knew your body and how to work it.
Jungkook crawls over to you, his face inches from you when he nuzzles his nose against yours as a way to tell you to lie back for him. His eyes shine, and a smug grin appears when he notices the dark love bites around your breasts growing darker. That’s also a new feeling for him—the sudden sense of possessiveness over you. He already feels like you’re his.
He kisses his way down your body, leaving a few more marks on your skin. Your eyes are on him, not wanting to miss anything. You quickly learn that you love watching him. He bites the inside of your thighs, licking over it to soothe the pain, but you like it. The pain is pleasurable for you, and Jungkook notices this by how your breath hitches every time.
You were perfect for him.
Jungkook slides his hands under your ass and lifts you, gripping tightly into your cheeks to keep you still. Your body arches upward at the first swipe of his tongue on your pussy, your legs automatically spreading more for him. He starts with slow and gentle movements, tongue working your folds and then moving up to suck on your clit. Your breathy whines make him weak, and he wants to listen to more of them. He’s patient, taking his time eating you out as his eyes settle on yours, loving how pretty your eyes look while you’re aroused, delicious mouth falling open with every moan he coaxes out of you.
“Jungkook, f—feels so good. You cry out when his tongue penetrates your hole and starts fucking into it. “Oh my God!”
Your body jerks violently, ass slipping from his hands. Your body’s so sensitive from the first orgasm. You try to close your legs, but Jungkook doesn’t let you. He looks up at you, eyes dark and expression serious when his hand slaps at your clit three times in quick successions. “Be a good girl, princess. Daddy’s eating here.”
Yup, you created a fucking monster, and you were going to die coming like you’ve never cum in your life. You were okay with that.
Your hands grip the sheets as a way to keep you anchored. One hand wraps around your thigh to keep you in place as he continues to fuck you with his tongue while the other applies pressure to your swollen clit, triggering a second orgasm that has you screaming and your pussy gushing all over his mouth and nose. Jungkook pulls away, staring at your sex and then at you in complete awe. Meanwhile, you’re shocked because you’ve never squirted before, and you know he can tell by the shock on your face.
“Shit,” you hiss when he spits on your mound to watch as it slides down your lips to mix with your cum and then dives in again like a man starved.
“Taste so good, princess. Can’t get enough.”
“Jungkook, please. Want your cock,” you whine, hands finding purchase in his dark locks.
“Okay. Alright, baby. Turn around for me. Ass up, face down,” he’s on his knees, large cock bouncing as he helps you move after wiping your essence off his face with the back of his tattooed hand. You don’t miss the way he licks at it before he places his hands on your ass to position himself.
Taking his cock in his hand, Jungkook rubs the darkened tip along your wetness, pushing in and stopping when he hears you gasp. “Does it hurt?” He asks, concern lacing his words.
“No. It just feels so fucking good,” you sigh.
“It’s just the tip, baby.”
“Fuck me, Jungkook. Please.”
When he finally pushes in, your breath gets caught in your throat. Jungkook waits a couple of minutes to let you adjust, and then he starts pistoning into you, balls slapping against your sensitive clit. You’re not going to last; it’s just too fucking good.
“Close already, princess?” He asks through clenched teeth; his thrusts are unrelenting. All you can do is nod in answer. “Me too. I’ve been holding off for so long. Fuck, look at how well you take my cock.” You lift your head and look to the side where your vanity is. You can see your bottom halves in the small, round mirror. Jungkook is beautiful and strong as he fucks you. The muscles in his arms bulge as he grips your hips tight, abs rippling under his sweaty skin as he pounds into you.
“Jungkook, I—I’m gonna cum. Shit, I–” You don’t get to finish your sentence as another orgasm rips through your body. You’re a moaning mess underneath Jungkook, but he’s not quiet either as your walls clamp on his cock. You feel so full it’s overwhelming.
He slides a hand up your spine until it reaches your shoulder and pulls you up and against his chest. You feel his panting breath on your neck; his arm circles your waist to keep you close. “Look at me. I want to look at you while I fill you up. Would you like that?” You moan when his cock hits your spot. He takes that as a yes and fucks you until he’s coming deep inside you, groans of your name echoing throughout your bedroom.
Jungkook’s arm is wrapped around the front of your chest as he kisses you languidly, loving the plumpness of your lips. He pulls out of you with one last groan, wishing he could stay inside you a little longer.
It’s a while after when the quietness in the room gets to you. You’re both still naked, bodies sweaty but lying in bed facing each other, just a few inches away. It isn’t awkward, but a lot of things are suddenly different.
“What does this mean for us now,” you nervously wait for his answer, afraid that he might not feel the same way.
“What do you want it to mean?” The ball’s in your court. He’ll do whatever you want, and he’ll have to be ready for whatever that is. But you surprise him with your answer.
“Everything. I want it to mean everything,” Jungkook’s doe eyes get rounder with the way he looks at you, gaze so soft and sweet.
“I want that too.” He scoots closer to you and drapes his arm over your waist. “I want this every day. I’ve had enough of wondering what it would be like to be with you, and now I know. Why waste our time when we could be fucking and falling in love with each other? Either way, you’ll still be my best friend because I don’t ever plan on losing you.”
When did he become so good with words that made your heart want to burst? “I don’t plan on losing you either.”
“Okay, good, because I really don’t want to stop fucking you,” he says it so seriously that you burst out laughing.
“Oof, a man after my own heart. So romantic,” you giggle.
✨ BTS x Reader Interactive Story – Your Input Needed! ✨
Hey everyone! I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a BTS x Reader interactive story, something that will grow over time on my page, it'll allow you all to shape the story through choices, branches, and different endings.
I'm still deciding on whether or not each BTS member would have their own route or if I would continue to include you all in a potential poll vote each update to help decide on which next potential route to take, leading to good, bad, and even secret endings based on the choices made. But right now, this idea is still in the brainstorming phase—which means everything is still up in the air!
Before I dive into anything, I’d love to hear your thoughts and get your input on which direction you’d love to see this go!
Here are a few foundation ideas I’ve been considering:
1️⃣ Behind the Spotlight – The reader works at BigHit (as a photographer, stylist, PR staff, etc.), giving a behind-the-scenes look into their world. Balancing professionalism with personal connections becomes a challenge.
2️⃣ Serendipity – A more casual setting where the reader meets BTS by chance (coffee shop, bookstore, neighbor, etc.), leading to unexpected friendships (or more).
3️⃣ Colliding Worlds – The reader is an artist, dancer, or songwriter collaborating with BTS on a project. Creative passion, tension, and deep conversations ensue.
4️⃣ The Spotlight Test – The reader is a contestant in a reality show or competition, where BTS are judges, mentors, or fellow contestants. The pressure is on, but so are new connections.
✨ But nothing is set in stone yet! ✨
This is still very much in the idea stage, so I’d love to know what excites you the most or if you have a unique twist or idea you'd love to see in an interactive BTS story. Any and all input is appreciated!
Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and if this idea picks up, it could turn into something really fun for all of us to enjoy together!
Contains: humor, mutual pining, fluff, cuddles, vine references, hurt and comfort, sexual tension.
Warnings: swear words, angst, dark themes, anorexia, mentions of self-harm, starvation, binge eating.
Word count: 30k+ (don’t ask)
A/N: I spent almost a year working on this, during which time I went on and off from writing. It’s finally here and my excitement is through the roof. Special thanks to @keopitae for sharing her thoughts on the fic and for her continuous support. Eli out.
____________________________
"My name is Jojo and I suffer from an eating disorder."
The words echo across the small bathroom walls, crashing against the mirror I so passionately detested. Punching the mirror as hard as I can, blossoming cracks scatter in every direction. The pain in my right knuckle screams, blood already oozing out of the peeled skin.
Fucking cringe. What was all this for? Was there a camera up my ass for acting all dramatic and shit?
"Good job, Jojo, you just ruined another one." I sigh and let the running water wash the blood off my hand. This was the third time this month and honestly, I think I deserved a slap across the face for the amount of money I was spending on fucking mirrors.
Heh.
That made it sound like mirror prostitution.
I grab a bandage from the stack I kept on the drawers and wrap it around my injury. Talking to your reflection first thing in the morning wasn't exactly the best way to start off the day, but it had been a mere attempt at self-therapy. Well, since I can't go to a real one, anyway. Too bad it didn't work.
I sigh one more time for good measure and pull a hoodie over my head.
Ah yes, a hoodie. The ultimate piece of clothing.
Feeling cold? Wear a hoodie. Your bra is cutting your blood circulation and you can't keep it on anymore? Wear a hoodie. You feel self-conscious of your body and try to hide every curve and shape? Hoodie is your best friend.
I put on a pair of sweats to complete the look because let's be real; everyone loves a baggy outfit. Not even sparing a glance at the mirror anymore, I unplug the charger from my phone's ass and sit down for a second to scroll through some memes.
Yup.
That's exactly what a person does after losing their job.But come on, I mean who fires someone just because they went to take a piss? Yes, it took fifteen minutes and yes, I was in the middle of working, but my dude, I drink three bottles of water a day. I need to let it out somewhere.
I take a deep breath as if to clear the disarrayed thoughts in my head. As much as I tried to make it sound funny, it wouldn't work because, at the end of the month, the rent wouldn't pay itself. Living on your own had its pros and cons and up till now, if I was completely honest, I had only seen the bad side of it.
Supporting my hands on the sofa, I try to stand on my feet but almost flop back down. Every time I get up, black spots dance across my vision. I can even see whole galaxies and not in the pretty sense of the word. One time I think I witnessed the glory of the Milky Way itself.
The pills that are strewn across the floor remind me of the impulsive decision I'd decided to make last night so I collect them one by one and put them back in the bottle.
Maybe some other time, I think to myself. Another day.
I'm perfectly fine, after all. I did lose my job yesterday and now I'm hanging on a thread for dear life but it's fine. I can make this work. A small green apple on the counter is the only promise of a so-called decent breakfast.
"Well hello there, little guy," I say before sinking my teeth into the juicy flesh of the innocent fruit.The apple doesn't respond.I take my phone out of my pocket and tap on the Notes app.
52 calories are way too fucking much for an apple, I think to myself as I aggressively type the number down.This was about the only positive side of this disease. I was more educated on the nutritional values of food than a real dietitian.
This was how it all had started in the first place — from wanting to make healthier choices to cutting on particular groups of food. Just a slight change. Nothing too alarming. But then, I had to know what I was eating, right? So I start counting.
And that's how it all went to shit.
After I finish eating the apple and throw its core into the almost empty trash can, I wash it down with a tall glass of water. At last, my animalistic hunger was sedated and I could finally move on with my life. Indeed.
I grab my keys and shut the door behind me, wanting to go out for a while, maybe clear my head a little bit. It's not like I had to feed my kids or anything. There was nothing holding me back. So, I exit the apartment building, my keys clinking in my right pocket, and I hop on my beloved bike, parked right on the corner of the street. Did I have any idea where I was going? No. Was that going to stop me from strolling around like I didn't have a pile of shit waiting to be dealt with? Hell no.
I start pedaling like crazy from the moment I put some distance between my apartment and the main street. Maybe it was because I needed to let off some steam, maybe the amount of calories I would burn excited me. Either way, that doesn't justify the high pitched scream coming from a girl that I almost run over.
I skid to a stop, the hands on the brakes stopping me from a fatal mistake. The girl's face has gone pale and one of her hands is clutching at her chest, terrified.I notice the way her flawless make-up matches her porcelain foundation, the fitted jeans hugging her slim legs like a second skin, and I feel sick.Sick for the fact that I'd almost killed this girl and all I could think about was how skinnier than me she actually was.
"Watch where you're going, fatass!"
Scratch that.
The Regina George flashback turns it all around.This bitch was going down.
I throw the bike aside in the middle of heavy traffic and shoot daggers from my eyes at her ridiculously perfect form. Any shred of remorse I'd felt up till now dissipates like a wisp of smoke on the wind."The fuck did you just say?"
She flinches from the humorless tone of my voice and I can see from the way her eyes widen that she's starting to regret her poor choice of words.
"I–"
Before I can blink, she's out of my sight, scurrying away like a frightened little mouse and I can't help but huff an incredulous laugh right there in the middle of the street. A car honks loudly behind my back and I don't hesitate to flip the guy off, the hint of a smile still lingering on my lips.
I wasn't taking any shits from people today.
So I hop on the bike once more and round a corner in search of a place to cool down a little bit. My eyes roam over the long line of stores and shops decorating both sides of the road in a flourished aesthetic and pause on the frame of a particular coffee shop, the strong flavorful smell inviting to my senses. I don't have to think twice before leaving my bike on the sidewalk and entering the shop with curious steps, scanning the interiors in a quick once-over. I sit by the window since it faces the street and make myself comfortable enough to attract a few pair of judging eyes.
A woman seated on a table close-by looks at me disapprovingly, staring at my clothes for a little longer than needed. She was probably wondering why was a tomboy wannabe man-spreading with an arm thrown across the chair like she owned the place.
Look, ma'am. It's the twenty-first century. No one gives a shit about girl mannerisms anymore.
"Didn't anyone tell you staring is rude?" I say, not bothering to make myself look somewhat presentable. She looks appalled by the bluntness of my words, probably not used to being called out so straight-forwardly but it seemed to have worked as she just turns her head on the other side, pretending to not have heard anything.
That's what I thought.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll down mindlessly. A distraction more than anything. But I don't even get the luxury of having a moment's peace when a pair of black stomper shoes slow down to a stop down my line of vision. I raise my eyes deliberately, following the two long legs protruding from them that connect with a bulky chest till I finally reach the top.
A boy.
No, a man.
Well, a mix of both.
His well-built figure screams "I've never skipped a day at the gym", the veiny muscles tight against the black shirt he's wearing. A swirling black tattoo makes an appearance on the side of his neck, disappearing inside the collar of his shirt, peeking again at his biceps and then snaking its way down his arm. There are multiple piercings on both of his ears, the silvery dangling pieces curtained by a mass of black messy hair reaching past his cheekbones and falling in front of his eyes carelessly.
Those eyes...
His whole physique resembled that of a fully grown man but his eyes were the ones who gave him away. Big and round and boyish.
I wasn't sure why I had spent more than a minute ogling at a stranger coming up to my table. Maybe it was the dark, mysterious aura radiating off of him or the way he was looking at me expectantly. Still, this motherfucker was too handsome for his own good. And he still stays right in front of me, unmoving, waiting for something.
"Are you lost, child?" I ask, looking at him dead in the eye.
He scoffs, clearly offended. "Child?"
"Your fly's down." I deadpan.
Unfortunately for him, his eyes slightly dip down to the front of his pants.
"Ha! I made you look!" I proclaim, a spark of amusement making the corners of my lips upturn.
He, on the other hand, doesn't look so happy, his curled up fists shaking by his sides, trying to keep himself in control."Can I take your order?" he grits the polite words through his teeth, even though he looks like he's about to strangle me from any second now.
"You're the waiter? Where's your uniform?"
"I don't have it with me." The boy's expression has turned angry, irritated even by the consistency of my questions.I decide to take it down a notch or two for the sake of the bulging vein on his throat, threatening to pop off. "Kay, chill. I was just asking."I lean closer and put my elbow on the table. " Soo...You come here often?"
It's his turn to deadpan. "I work here."
"Whoops. Silly me, I forgot."
"Are you gonna order or not?" He can't help the slight raise of his voice, more than enough proof that his patience was wearing thin.
Uh oh. Hoe's mad.
I throw a leg across my knee in the most arrogant way possible and lean back on the chair. "Aren't you gonna write it down somewhere?" I ask, raising one eyebrow.
"I can remember it." he simply answers.
Fine then, pretty boy. Let's see how you remember this.
"I'll have a quad long shot grande in a venti cup, half calf, double cupped, no sleeve, salted caramel mocha latte with two pumps of vanilla."
Oh, I've definitely made him mad now.
With a look of pure hatred on his face, he clenches his jaws together and stomps off in the opposite direction with God knows how much memory of the order in his head but before he can go further, I shout for him to stop. I was starting to feel bad for the boy with the long hair flying behind him dramatically. Not to mention, there was no way in hell I'd let that much sugar enter my body.
"Wait!"
He pauses and slowly turns around."I changed my mind. Just a cup of dark coffee will do. No sugar."
Surprisingly, a subtle smirk creeps its way on his lips, throwing a whole new light to his features. "Aren't you gonna tell me to make sure it's darker than your soul?"
Hmph. The little puppy can bite back, after all.
"Nah, that's overused," I say. His eyes scan me from head to toe and then he pivots on his heel, disappearing behind the multiple tools of the counter, probably communicating the order to someone else. It doesn't take long for him to come back once again, his long elegant hand gently picking up the cup of coffee from the tray and putting it on the table.
In that fleeting moment I can make out a messy layout of tattoos; a smiley emoji on his middle finger, four small crosses in the spaces between and a bunch of other symbols I don't recognize. All that, gracefully completed by a gorgeous black flower and a bunch of other patterns wrapped around his forearm.
How contrasting it was, the way his appearance clashed with his personality. Did I actually know him? I think so.The guy was obviously kind enough not to spill the thing all over my clothes in an act of rebellion and I had to say it was an admirable thing to do considering how far I was pushing his limits. I am almost ready to hold out the olive branch to him.
Almost.
"I thought I said no sugar," I say, noticing the small white pack by the side of the cup."I guessed you would probably change your mind again." he teases, but the displeasure is still quite evident on his face.
Interesting.
"Next time, just make sure to do what I say." I retort, very much aware that I was prolonging the situation more than needed, but I just couldn't help it. I was really enjoying the reactions I got from him every time I pushed his buttons.
He's practically fuming with anger but still doesn't fall prey to my relentless attacks, instead choosing to walk away like a civilian.
Pity. I wish he'd stayed a little longer.
The coffee is absolutely disgusting. Its bitter aftertaste almost makes me gag.
This is what happens when you refuse to add sugar to any kind of drink, Jojo. It basically tastes like shit.
I forcefully down the last gulps and rise from my table, leaving a tip for the emo kid even though I'm running low on money. He deserved it after putting up with my bullshit for that long.
The woman staring at me earlier goes wide-eyed when I lift two fingers to the side of my brow, offering her a salute before making my way out of the coffee shop.
I don't eat lunch that day. Not even dinner. I just stare at the black screen of the turned-off TV, sipping water from my mug like it's the most flavorful thing in the universe and not having the energy to even cry myself to sleep anymore. I do that every night. Cry and cry and cry like there's no tomorrow. It feels relieving somehow— like I've let something off my chest, even though momentarily.
I grab my phone and type down the stupid number anyway.
2 calories. I write 2 calories for a fucking cup of coffee like it's gonna make a shit ton of difference.
Fucking ridiculous.
I want to sink deeper into this misery, let it consume me whole till there's nothing left, but like a beacon of light, the image of that boy's face emerges into the surface.
"That guy was cute." I voice the words that have been on my mind all day before falling into a deep dreamless sleep.
~ JUNGKOOK ~
There she was. That girl again.
In all my three years of working here, I'd never encountered someone so rude, shameless and utterly irritating. She's sitting on the same spot from yesterday, looking out the window and throwing casual glances at her phone. She also has the same baggy hoodie and sweats, probably too lazy to even bother change into something else.
However, what attracts my attention is the bandage wrapped around her hand, a pink hue visible where her knuckles should be. I'd noticed it the first day too, wondering where in the world would she get that kind of wound. She did seem like the type of girl who would get into fights actually, judging from her boyish clothes and brash personality but I wasn't sure if–
Whatever.
It was none of my business and I had work to do, anyway. I couldn't be bothered with the antics of a rebellious teenage girl. The glass I'm wiping almost slips out of my hands. Bold of her to call me a child when she couldn't be more than five feet tall. I wondered if her feet even reached the pedals of her bike.
"Hey Jungkook, you got a customer." Kwan's voice shakes me out of my thoughtful state as he flicks his chin towards the girl.
"Can't you get this one for me?" I grimace."Why? Are you afraid she's gonna bite?"
"Seems like it."
His eyes narrow into slits as he glares at me suspiciously.
"Come on man, just do what I say for once," I insist, not really wanting to deal with her shit for a second time. Kwan raises his palms up in surrender and goes to take the girl's order, but not without mumbling a "kids these days" on his way out.
The girl looks up from her phone upon Kwan's arrival but then her eyes quickly roam around as if searching for something. They exchange a few words too quietly for me to hear amid the general bustle of the shop, and then my coworker is by my side before I can blink.
"Nothing to be scared of, Jeon. She just asked for a green tea," Kwan says and grabs a number of items from the counter.
"So, she didn't say anything rude?"
"Nope."
"Not even an insult?"
Kwan tsks with his tongue.
Hmph.
Maybe she just hadn't been in the mood yesterday because there's definitely something different about the way she's just sitting there–
Barbecue sauce on her ti—
A snort accidentally escapes from my lips and I lower my head further to hide the embarrassment of the uninvited thought.
"Something funny?" Kwan asks, looking up from the tea he was brewing. I click my tongue just as he'd done.
It takes about a minute or so until the order's ready and I note the way the girl's face contorts with each sip of her tea as if someone had actually put a gun to her head to drink that horrendous beverage. She still drains the cup to its dregs, though.
Gets up.
Sways a little.
The hand wrapped in bandages holds onto the table for support and she finally pushes herself up to her feet. A little light-headed, if you ask me.
That confident image I'd created of her yesterday, crumbles into pieces when I observe the vulnerable state she's currently in. I wasn't sure why I was paying much attention to a complete stranger who I would probably never meet again, but I just couldn't stop myself. It was like being pulled into a black hole and finding yourself secretly enjoying it even though your gut tells you that it's wrong.
It was weird but true.I'd experienced it before.
The brief moment of realization had been enough to make me get lost in my thoughts so I snap my eyes back to the girl's table only to notice that the seat was empty.
She'd left.
~JOJO ~
Discipline. I need to practice discip–
Fuck. Is that a hamburger?
The delicious treat from the glass showcase of a fast-food restaurant winks at me and my mouth waters just by looking at it. When was the last time I ate anything decent? I rack my brains out, calculating the number of calories I'd consumed for the last two days and the only results are an apple, a cup of black coffee, green tea and maybe a tank of water.
Wait!
I did lick that spoon of peanut butter this morning, so in total, 144 calories. Might as well call it a fast for all I care.
My breath quickens with every push of the pedal, thighs burning with the strain. It's been almost three hours since I left the coffee shop and I'm pretty sure the tires of my bike must be deflated from going through every damn corner of the city.
Why would I do that? Because I'm a stupid ass bitch who likes to push herself to her limits and who doesn't know what rest means.
I know I'm going too far. I know it won't be long before all of this comes crashing down on me, sending my progress back to the starting point, but I can't seem to stop. Not when the ecstasy is so overwhelming, filling me up with a fake sense of achievement. This was probably the reason why this disorder was addicting. It made you feel like you had the reins in your hands, not it.
Not her.
Oh, Ana. How much I wanna fucking kill you right now.
It was all her fault, after all.
No. It wasn't her fault. It was the people's fault.They were the ones that said things. Things that hurt me. And their words didn't affect me directly but they fed my insecurities.
It was confusing, actually.They said I was fat. I tried and built some muscle by working out.They said I looked too manly with my muscles now. It didn't suit me.I dropped ten pounds starving myself.
What did they want?
What was the right body?
I didn't know anymore.There would always be something not right, not good enough.
I grip the handlebar tighter when the flood of old memories engulfs me without warning, making its appearance like an uninvited guest. I'm not even sure how it all started in the first place because believe it or not, I was the biggest body-positivity enthusiast.
And then suddenly I wasn't.
And then I find out that there's a whole community out there with people just like me but so radical, so different from anything I'd ever seen before. At first, I was outraged, disgusted even, by the naive statements of young girls saying they wanted the thinnest body possible, fantasizing about skin and bones, but as time went by and as I delved deeper and deeper into the swirling vortex of these intoxicating thoughts, I started succumbing to them. They suddenly seemed appealing.
I let out a sigh between heavy breaths.
Did it matter now? Besides, that guy didn't even show up today. Maybe it's his day off or something.
The brilliant rays of the afternoon sun make the glass panes of the cars passing by gleam like a swarm of fireflies.It would've looked pretty if it weren't for the way it made me shield my eyes. I was already having a hard time trying to keep them open as my strength started to run out, the view in front of me doing half–circles and then turning back to its optimal position. My legs feel like lead and I stop pedaling altogether, letting my bike guide me instead.
Tired.
So, so...tired.
A familiar face swims into my line of vision. It's the emo kid.
And he's....falling?
The handlebar spirals out of my control and my knee hits hard concrete. That face is the last thing I see before a black cloak of darkness swallows me whole
~JUNGKOOK~
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd have to carry a random person to the nearest hospital on my way home. Yet here I am, sitting on a chair for the past hour, staring at the girl's chest rise and fall with slow, rhythmic breaths.
There are fresh bandages wrapped around her scraped knee and multiple bruises all over her body. I'd seen the slightest look of surprise cross her face before her eyes rolled up in her head and she fell off the bike, hitting her head in the process. It had been a chaotic situation, that one. People had kept gathering around, trying to sneak a peek at the accident but still not doing anything to actually help. So I'd taken things to my own hands, done my duty as a normal person would.
Then why are you still here, Jungkook? my logic reasons with me. The doctor said she would be fine so why are you still sitting over here, waiting for her to wake up?
That's right. I should be going.I lean my palms on my knees but before I can fully rise from the chair, the girl's eyes crack open. She takes a look around the room, analyzing her surroundings, and then her eyes stop on my face.
"Who the fuck are you?" she croaks.
Here we go again... I internally sigh."We met at the coffee shop. Or don't you remember?" I answer, praying for her life not to get my anger rise so fast.
"Right," she says, even though something tells me she had known exactly who I was in the first place. "The fuck are you doing here?"
"I saved your life."
"Why bother?"
"You should be grateful, you know."
"Did I ever ask for your fucking help?"
I had to admit I was slightly taken aback. The girl swore and cursed worse than a sailor. As if on cue, a jumble of profanities spill from her lips as she struggles to sit up, suddenly finding herself tangled in tubes and needles trickling colorless liquid into her veins.
"Get this shit off of me, " she says and rips the said piece from the inside of her forearm.
"You should keep that for a little longer." I protest, hands already reaching for the needle laying on the sheets but she flinches from my touch and throws a leg across the bed, attempting to get up.
"Sit down!" I say a little harsher than I intended but it was impossible not to.
Unbelievable.
Her nonchalance and irresponsible behavior made me want to punch her in the face, regardless of her being a girl. At last, she has the dignity to actually do what she's told. "Someone's cranky, " she mumbles as she leans back on the pillow.
This girl must have a split personality disorder because only two seconds later her legs are crossed comfortably despite the nasty injury on her knee and she's leaning forward with her cheek on her palm, staring intently at me with a curious smile hanging on her lips.
"You never told me your name, " she says.
"You never asked, " I reply.
She scowls. "Stop trying to play the smartass with me, child and just tell me your fucking name."
"It's Jungkook."
Her eyebrows lift in surprise.
"I know, it rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?" I tease.
"Actually, it sounds like a chicken dying, but okay."
My lips twitch in amusement, trying to suppress the silly smile demanding to make an appearance.
"To be honest, I'm kinda disappointed, " she continues. "I was expecting something more special, like Sebastian or Gabriel or something." She scratches her chin while her eyes still stay rooted on my face. "You know what, imma call you Juan. Yeah, Juan's better. Got that Latino vibe to it."
Her never-ending shenanigans were pure torture so I decide to turn the tables for a change. "And what is your name?" I ask.
For once, she doesn't try to make fun of me. "Jojo."
Cute.
"It fits you."
Her eyebrows scrunch themselves together as she carefully observes me. "Hmmm....Anyway–" She crawls to the side of the bed and grimaces when her left foot leans on the floor. "Thanks for spending your precious time with me, Juan but now I gotta blast."
"Miss, I'm gonna have to ask you to sit down, please," another voice is heard and the doctor I'd talked to earlier steps into the room. He stares the girl, Jojo I remind myself, down but she doesn't relent, staring right back with the same intensity.
"I'm perfectly fine—"
"Your blood sugar levels are at their lowest point, that wound on your knee needs to be changed continuously or else you'll get an infection and you might have a concussion from the way you hit your head. I'm surprised you're still even talking."
There's a slight tremor in her pupils, which I 'm pretty sure is caused by the panicked state she's trying to hide. She plasters a smile on her face. "Come on now, Doc. I'm sure you can let me off this one time. The fact that I'm still talking proves I'm better, right?"
"Miss—"
"I'll accompany her, " I blurt without thinking and both of them snap their heads in my direction. No turning back now. "I'll make sure she gets home safely," I assure him.
"I don't need your—" Jojo starts, but her words falter when she meets the doctor's glare. "I mean... sure, why not?"
The doctor seems satisfied enough as he turns on his heel without a moment's hesitation. However, he hasn't even made it past the threshold when he pauses, turns halfway around and looks at her dead in the eye. "And by the way, miss. You should eat something. Your heart's gonna fail at this rate."
I could have sworn I saw something flash behind her eyes but she doesn't show it, choosing to keep that sad smile on her face like an anchor linking her to sanity.
"Son of a bitch." I hear her mumble under her breath.
~JOJO~
Son of a bitch I repeat in my head over and over again till the words start to sound foreign to my ears, suddenly losing their meaning.
That damn doctor just had to point out the fact that I hadn't eaten anything for the last couple of days. He was right, of course, but that didn't stop me from mentally sending a series of curses his way.
I have never felt so shitty in my life. Both physically and mentally. My head feels like it's going to split in half, the stinging of the wound on my knee is crying like a bitch and there's not an ounce of strength left in me.
Powerless.
And if that wasn't enough, Juan's endless questions only add to my misery.
"For the last time, no, I don't live with my parents," I say for what felt like the gazillionth time, still refusing the hand he kept offering my way. I might be on the verge of collapsing but under no circumstances was I to let myself be held like a damsel in distress.
Nuh-uh.That's a line you can't cross, mister.
"That sounds kinda hard to believe," Juan says and sticks his rejected hand back in his pocket, probably to get rid of the awkwardness.
"Bitch, I don't need your approval to say something. If you don't want to believe me, fine. Suit yourself. "
His shiny black hair glints in the darkness, catching the beams of moonlight as he flicks it away from his face. "How can I be a bitch? I'm a male." he retorts.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Man whore." I reply, putting a clear emphasis on the last syllable.
He scowls, seeming genuinely offended by my words, especially when he says " Swearing is rude, you know."
"You know what else is rude? Asking people too many questions."
"But can you blame me, though? I mean you pretty much look like a high-schooler who ran away from home."
I stop dead in my tracks. "You have a strong sense of guessing."
He blinks. "Wait. You're really a high-schooler who ran away from home?"
I resume my walking, using the concrete wall on the side of the road for support. "For your information, I did finish high-school so suck on that."
"But you still ran away from home, right?" he insists.
"Oh for fuck's sake— yes, I did run away from home. Are you happy now?"
The blank look on his face, combined with the slight shrug of his shoulders almost causes me to snort. "Cool, " he says, unbothered."Aren't you gonna ask why I did it?"
"Not interested, " he states and looks straight ahead, completely ignoring my presence."Liar. I can see that you're one of those assholes who are dead-curious about everything."
"Am not!" he whirls on me.
I scrunch my nose and sniff the air around me like a wild dog hunting on its prey. "You smell that?" I ask him.
"What?"
"Smells like bullshit to me."
Even in the darkness, I can see the dramatic roll of his eyes, causing their whites to stand out. He had pretty big eyes, this guy. They softened that edgy aura he gave off, all muscles, tattoos, and black clothes. And the fact that he tolerated my irritating behavior, which I was deeply aware of, made him look even more appealing to my eyes.
"Why did you volunteer to take me home, Juan?" I quietly ask, glancing at him through the corner of my vision.
He seems to mull the question over in his head for a moment, eyes staring his shoes down. "I don't know. You seemed like you needed some help." He throws a look at me. "Which by the way, is still valid. You look like hell."
For some reason, that makes me retract my hands from the wall and I try to keep myself stable on my own two feet, limping heavily on the process.
"What exactly happened with your bike?" he continues, unaware of my recent action.
"I was busy stalking hot guys all day, so my bike got tired. Guess she just couldn't handle it anymore."
The boy doesn't seem to fall for any of my lies, narrowing his eyes till their nothing but slits. "Do you tend to not eat when you stalk hot guys?"
This little shit...
"Nah, it's just that I'm so fucking forgetful." I immediately reply. "I forget to eat all the time.
"He doesn't relent, still boring holes into my eyes.
"Hey, what's with all the questions, anyway? I thought you said you were not interested?" I repeat his own words.
"Right, " he admits.
My apartment building comes into view, the looming structure now as familiar as the back of my hand. "We're here, " I announce. My eyebrows raise in wonder as his legs keep heading for the entrance of the building instead of pausing.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"To your apartment, obviously."
"What the fuck makes you think you can come to my apartment, boy?" I did not want him to see anything personal of mine, yet for some strange reason, I found myself hoping he would stick around a little longer. A little controversial, considering the fact that my words proved otherwise, but I couldn't just say that to him, could I? Like, hey, kid you're nice. Let's have a little chat before you go.
Ridiculous.
"I'll just escort you to the door, " he assures.
"No need for that."
"But what if you fall down the stairs?" he insists.
"You got me there." I punch in the code at the main entrance and hurry up the stairs as much as my limp would let me, Jungkook's eyes never leaving me for a second. After what felt like an eternity, I grunt heavily and lean on the doorstep of my humble apartment. "Okay, you've done your service, soldier. You're free to go now."
Jungkook throws a quick glance at my mustard-colored door, probably weirded out by it but then his eyes flick to my empty hands. "Where's your keys?" he wonders.
My mouth gapes open and my eyes go the size of tennis balls as I frantically pat my pockets. When I notice the way Jungkook's lips part slightly, I burst into hysterical laughter, jiggling the retrieved keys in front of his face. "You should've seen your face!" I laugh. "Hilarious."
He exhales, relieved. "I thought you'd lost them."
"Nah, Juan. I forget a lot of things but not my keys. Besides, these bitches stick up my ass like fucking glue."
The door's lock clicks with a flick of my wrist but I resist the usual temptation of kicking it wide open, in fear of letting emo-kid sneak a peek. It's not like I was embarrassed of the mess in my apartment or anything like that but it felt weirdly intimate to let someone else get a glimpse of my domestic life. In fact, I hadn't invited anyone over since...
Yes, it had been that long.
Jungkook notices my reluctance and clears his throat. "So...um...you're all good now, so I better leave. You should–you should take care of your wound."
How weird to see an overgrown, muscular dude stutter and not know what to do with his hands. I usually didn't have the tendency of stereotyping but this definitely struck me as odd.
I smirk. "Getting shy, Juan?"
He almost flinches at my words. " What? No!"
"Are you waiting for a thanks then?"
A stray hair falls in front of his eyes but he doesn't move it away from his face. "That's not something you ask from people."
I bite my tongue and try not to let the pain on my leg get to me as I squeeze into the room through a thin sliver of space. Still, his words bring a smile to my face and as much as I try to suppress it, it just keeps floating on the surface again. "I'm not an asshole, Juan. So thanks."
"Actually, you refused to say thanks from the start—"
"Okay, now you ruined it," I interrupt. "Get outta here."
He slowly starts to back off and his lips stretch into a barely contained smile. "Good night, Jojo." And then just like that, he's climbing down the stairs with his long legs taking two or three steps at a time.
I shut the door and lean on it for a moment, sighing deeply through my nose.
"Little shit, " I whisper.
Rise and shine.
That's exactly what my alarm tune doesn't say. Even after so much time hearing it pierce my ears every single morning with its shrill screech, I can never stop myself from wanting to smash the damn thing into pieces. However, that's the only thing that can actually get my ass up from the bed. All the other gentle-sounding melodies had proven to be absolute failures, dragging me even further into the sweet crevices of sleep.
The numerous late arrivals to work had made me suffer more shouts and scoldings than I could remember from my boss. The guy was a total dick. Good thing I don't work there anymore.
My room is still coated in patches of darkness here and there, the bright rays of the morning sun nowhere to be seen. It is about 5:30, an unholy time to wake up, but since I was now unemployed, I had made an oath to force myself every day into going for a run outside.
There was no overwhelming hustle and bustle, no moving crowds of people. The city had yet to rise from its slumber and the only activity on sight included slow, quiet movements of passers-by.
I finally kick the blanket off and swing my legs over the bed. The cold surface of the floor awakens my senses as I prepare to go over the usual ritual: Stretch, pee, step on the scale.
The number has slightly changed from yesterday but not to the point where I want it to. A wave of disappointment washes over me. It happens every day yet I can never get used to it.
I decide to go easy on the breakfast. A cold glass of water, an apple, and a boiled egg.
I probably should've thought about putting some pants on first, I say to myself as a crumb of egg yolk smears my bare thigh. I use the pad of my finger to wipe it off and cringe intensely. These thick bitches turned three sizes wider when sitting down and it only spurred on my body dysmorphia.
Disgusting.
Not forgetting about my daily dose of green tea, I hurry up before the sun rises and put some sports clothes on, which wasn't really that hard since they were the only thing in my closet. I shut the door behind me but it feels like something is nagging the back of my mind, demanding my attention.
Did I forget anything?
I rack my brains out in search of a clue but nothing makes it into the surface.
This stupid obsession...
Making sure my shoelaces are tightly secured and my earphones plugged in, I climb down the stairs and burst out of the entrance of the building. I welcome the sharp sting of fresh air that fills my lungs with a deep breath and waste no time to sprint into a run, the loud music already blasting my ears in full force.The wound on my knee does not approve of this but I don't give two shits. It can cry like a bitch for all I care.
It's easy at first, obviously. Your body is rested and unspent so you relish those twenty minutes with pure adrenaline flowing through your veins. But then, the run takes its toll on you. It's unavoidable.
The sky switches from dark blue to a pastel pink, announcing the official start of the day and reminding me of my tiresome condition. I'm panting like an asthmatic by now and my clothes stick uncomfortably with sweat so I slow into a light jog. The sting on my knee grows stronger and stronger til I can barely stand it. The clean sidewalk grows hard under my feet and it's all I can do not to faint from exhaustion. Running tires you out? Try running with not enough food in your system.
I scan my surroundings in an attempt to distract myself from the fatigue. A few trees lining up the street, a grey car hurrying to God knows where, hair—
Wait, what?
I redirect my eyes to the spot I was staring at and notice a mop of dark hair swinging wildly. The body they belong to is in fast-motion, arms shifting from side to side as the legs make long, speeding strides.
No fucking way. I guess it's not such a bad day after all.
I smirk as I gain speed, now heading straight towards the boy with newfound strength. As I maneuver from side to side with a few random strangers, I can't help but stare at the way his sweatpants hug every curve of his butt. He had a nice butt, this guy. I'm kinda jealous. And as if that wasn't enough, the material of his loose T-shirt turns darker from the collar down to his back, marking a trail of sweat. He'd ran just as hard from what I could see.
The music in my earphones dies out as I quickly catch up to him and slip by his side, matching his constant rhythm. He doesn't notice at first, but after the numerous glances I throw from the corner of my eye, he finally flinches and stops abruptly. "Jojo?"
His hair is completely drenched in sweat. The dark strands form wet tendrils on his forehead and numerous trails that drip from his temples and down to his chin. He almost rips his earbuds off and I have to say I feel slightly endeared. As a person who preferred not to be disturbed while listening to music, I could appreciate the fact that he removed them in the blink of an eye. If a person does that, he respects you. Simple as that.
He gives me a look of mild curiosity, which for a surprise makes him look ten times hotter. I also slow down to a stop as a smile tugs at the edges of my lips. "Oh, hey Juan! Didn't see you there."
He looks behind his back for good measure and turns to stare at me. "Are you stalking me?"
I scoff in feigned annoyance. "What the fuck? Am I not allowed to go for a run now? Do you own these streets or something?"
"No, but—"
"Hey, hey, " I quickly interrupt him. "Less chatting, more running."
I will my feet to start moving again and he immediately catches up. "So...how are you feeling?"
"Tired, " I reply.
"I meant from last night."
Well that's a surprise. I didn't think he would remember it, let alone be worried about my condition. "Oh. I'm fine. It's nothing, really, " I wave a dismissive hand.
He stares at me for a moment too long before turning his head straight. "That's good."
After that, neither me nor him try to elaborate on the topic. For some moments, the only thing heard is our combined panting and heavy breathing and it doesn't do much to tame my wild brain from going places. I push the dirty thoughts aside for later reference and give my head a slight tilt to peek at him."Tell me more about yourself, Juan."
"What do you wanna know?" he asks without looking.
"Everything."
He laughs delightedly. "Ok but you're gonna have to ask me questions, though. I don't know where to start."
"Perfect. Where do you live?"
His neck does a ninety-degree turn with such a lightning speed that I'm scared he broke a bone or two. "I knew you were stalking me!" he exclaims as if he had made a scientific discovery.
I smack my lips impatiently. "Just answer the damn question!"
"Two blocks from here."
"That means the coffee shop is close to your house, right?"
"I live in an apartment, " he adds and gives a curt nod before his attention is back to me. "Okay, my turn now. Did you ever go to college?"
Not this shit again. If I hadn't been attracted to his ridiculously good looks, he would be rubbing at a sore spot in between his eyeballs. "Goodness, child. You really are stubborn."
"Hey, it's only fair if you keep asking me questions, " he protests and instead of angering me, the harmless expression turns my insides into jelly. I was finding it hard to keep up with the constant appearances of his duality. It was weird. I barely knew this guy and I still told him things so strictly personal that I'd never thought I'd say out loud.
" I dropped out of college after the first year. Couldn't afford it."
And just like that, the jolly, playful countenance disappears to be replaced by a darker one. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I dropped too, " he continues. " Guess studies weren't exactly my thing."
"Oh wow. We have so much in common."
A pause.
"Where's your family?"
I was starting to think this kid was more interested in my personal life than me as a person. "Back home."
He doesn't say anything, waiting for me to explain further and unfortunately, I fall prey to his puppy eyes staring at me intently. An uncomfortable ball of imaginary yarn settles at the base of my throat. I try to gulp it down while fighting to keep the slight tremble in my voice from showing. " They...did some things to me. Bad things. I'm never going back."
He notices my discomfort, bless his soul, and decides to drop it. "My parents live far from here and I don't visit them as much. So yeah, that sucks."
His poor attempt at sympathizing with me makes my lips crack into a subtle grin. "Are all parents bad or are we just awful teenagers?"
"Both, I guess, " he chuckles.
Just when I assume the twenty-one question game has finally come to an end, he proves me wrong for the bazillionth time. "Is there anyone you hang out, at least?"
"You, " I answer.
His eyes widen twice their original size and I laugh through my nose. "Just kidding. I have a friend called Anna. Such a nice, caring and sweet girl." My lips twitch on the side to impersonate a somber smile but I had the feeling it looked like I was having a nervous tick. "She's to die for."
Time is cruel to us, swallowing up each patch of daylight until the sky has turned into the purest baby blue and let the rays of sunlight fall astray into our poor backs. The heat and the exhaustion makes us slow our pace. Then, suddenly a sharp pain stabs me across my knee and I wince discreetly.
"Do you go to work?" Juan asks, oblivious to my current torture.
"No, I quit, " I say, refusing to admit that the reason for that hadn't really been my choice. "Why'd you ask?"
"Well, it's just that—" He abruptly stops and his eyes shift their attention to my legs, staring hard at them.
"What?"
"You're bleeding, " he states, matter of factly.
I snap my head down and take note of the way my knee is soaked in a dark red stain, slowly webbing its tendrils along the fabric."Aw shit, " I curse under my breath.
"You need to go to the hospital, " Jungkook quickly intervenes before a long string of profanities can spill over my lips.
"No. No more hospitals. I'll just go home and put some fresh bandages on it."
"Okay, well let me come with you."
I take a step back and shake my head from side to side. "For the last time, I don't need your help, Juan. Here are my key—" I frantically fish my pockets but they're completely empty, save for that stupid paper towel that I had somehow forgotten there. "Fuck no! Fuck no!"
Juan's brow bunches up in distress as his judging eyes give me a hard stare. "You already made that joke once."
"I'm not joking around, you idiot!" I snap, probably a bit too harsh but the panic seems to have gotten under my skin for me to care at this point. "I forgot my keys!"
So, that's what kept nagging me in the morning. I mentally slap myself for being such a careless mess and vow to not make the same mistake again.
"Let's go to the hospital, " Juan calmly repeats, seemingly unaffected by my sudden burst of anger. I wonder if he was hiding his hurt on the inside. If that was true, I'd have to give him a round of applause because he was sure doing a hell of a good job.
"No."
"Do you want to bleed to death?" This time he can't help the hint of anger from seeping into his voice.
I say nothing.
"If you don't want to go to the hospital then come with me back at my place. I have some bandages too."
"Absolutely not!" I protest, outraged. If this kept going on, we would end up at each other's throats.
"Look, it's either that or the hospital. You pick."
Shit. He had me cornered. Well, what was I to say? I liked hanging out with him but I also didn't want him to see me in such a vulnerable state and make me feel indebted to him. It had already happened once and I hadn't liked it not even one bit.
"I can't just come at your place, " I say with a lilt of playfulness in my voice. My figure was already frayed at the edges and he was quick to catch sight of it. "What if you're a murdering psychopath in disguise?"
He smiles in earnest, as if I'd just told him he was the nicest guy on the planet. "Then you can always stab me with a kitchen knife."
This was wrong. This was so wrong. I couldn't just go to his house, dammit. I was letting my guard down way too much. No way I was doing this.
"Fine, " I finally surrender and wish I'd bitten my tongue in time before the word made it past my lips.
~ JUNGKOOK ~
By the time we get to my apartment, the sun has already reached its highest peak in the horizon and the powerfully bright rays start to make me feel a bit wobbly.
I had offered Jojo to at least hold on to me but she seemed hellbent on making it by herself. I could see how much the wound was hurting her, yet she refused to let any emotion whatsoever show on her face.
I open the door unceremoniously and pause to let her in first. She carefully shuffles her steps with a heavy limp weighing her down but I could see that she was still having second thoughts on whether to enter a complete stranger's apartment or not. As soon as she passes the threshold, I release a sigh I didn't realize I'd been holding.
Her head starts turning from side to side, scanning the interiors of the living room. I suddenly feel self-conscious. Is the place messy? Did I forget to put my socks on the laundry basket? I was worried she would shy away and leave altogether.
"Nice place you got here, " Jojo says with a whistle.
I unconsciously smile but it fades away the moment she plops down onto the couch, ignoring the still-fresh wound on her knee. She even has the audacity to swing her leg over the edge and let it dangle there. So much for shying away.
"I'll go get the bandages, " I announce and retreat into the bathroom, keeping an eye on her from the way back. She gives me a salute before going back to studying the walls with curious eyes.
I hurry up and lock myself up in the bathroom and immediately, the sight of my disheveled look greets me in the mirror. My hair is wild, some strands clinging with sweat onto my temples and some flailing in the air like unmowed grass. My skin glistens with a fine sheen of wetness that makes me itch with discomfort and there's a pink blush settled on my nose and cheekbones. Did I really look like this all morning?
I let the water of the faucet run under my hands and give my face a quick splash. Why am I so nervous, dammit? It's just a girl. I really need to get a hold of myself. The image of her face reminds me of the reason I came here in the first place. I hurriedly grab the bandages from the counter along with some alcohol, cotton pads and a towel.
I take a deep breath and return to the living room with a forced air of nonchalance. "I got the—" I announce but the words falter when I see the empty couch. Where the hell did she go?
"You have very good-looking parents. No wonder where you got the genes, " her voice is heard from the other side of the room and I see her standing by one of the shelves, examining the tiny picture of my mom and dad, smiling at each other while my older brother cuddles my dog's white fur.
"Uh..thanks, " I manage as I scratch my neck.
At this, she turns around and finally looks at me. "Nothing to be shy about, Juan. You're handsome. You don't need glasses to see that."
"I—"
"Alright, are you gonna give me those or not?" she questions with a sly smile, pointing her chin towards the items in my hands and I internally curse from the distraction. Oh, she really did enjoy toying around with me.
I prevent myself from stuttering another word and slowly approach her. She grabs the things from my hands and sits on the couch yet again. Her condition was no better than mine. A single drop of sweat slides from the side of her cheek and travels down her neck in an excruciating slow motion. Her complexion had turned ruddy and her hair stuck to her edges with perspiration. How she had managed to run so hard in that state was beyond me.
I silently hand her the towel first. "Dab your neck with this before you catch a cold."
She looks at me with a slight tilt of her head but accepts it nonetheless, mumbling a "dab on them haters" under her breath.
"What about you?" she asks aloud. "You're literally dripping." As if summoned, another drop of sweat free-falls from my chin and onto the floor.
"It's okay. I'll be fine, " I quickly reply.
"Well aren't you a tough cookie?" she giggles. "Get it? Tough? Kookie? Jungkookie?"
I almost snort. And as if that wasn't enough, the nickname she used made this weird sensation creep onto my stomach.
After she's done drying her skin, she crouches down to take a look at the wound that still kept trickling blood. Her careful fingers roll the dirtied bandage around her knee to reveal such a nasty sight, I almost gasp in surprise. The blood had smeared the skin around the edges and on its center there's a blackish liquid that looks like anything but blood.
"Oh shit, " she whispers, obviously not expecting the wound to be in such a degree. I move forward with worry in my trembling form but she's quick to stop me."No, it's okay. I got it."
"But it looks really ba-"
"Thanks Juan, but I said I can handle it."
I silently get back and let her do the work herself. She seemed so used to this process, as if she had done it countless of times before. Her hands are quick and agile, snatching the alcohol and cotton pads and then proceeding to wrap brand new bandages around her knee. Not a single hiss or whine falls from her lips. After she successfully finishes, she lifts her head to gift me a charming innocent smile. As if she hadn't just split her knee open. This girl...
After that, the room falls into an awkward silence so I keep looking everywhere else but her. "Do you want something to drink?" I offer.
"Once a waiter, always a waiter, " she sighs while scratching her forehead.
"Okay, what do you have?"
"Let me check," I announce and head to the fridge without another word. I examine the contents within and yell from across the room. "Um... coke?"
"I don't do drugs, " she yells back.
"As in the drink, Jojo."
"Oh. What kind?"
"The regular one."
"No diet coke?"
"No. Sorry."
"Okay, just get me a glass of water."
I come back with the glass and hesitate a split second before handing it to her.
"I really like your place, Juan," she says after a tiny sip. "Its so....you."
A discouraged laugh escapes from me. "You don't even know me."
"Says who? I'm excellent at knowing people's personalities on first sight, " she continues after another sip.
"What about you then?" I suddenly ask.
"My place or my personality?"
"Both."
She considers it a moment before answering. "Well, both suck compared to you. Especially my apartment, Juan. You wouldn't believe the fucking mess I make all the time."
She sounded nonchalant about the matter but I could sense the discomfort behind the words. She was having it harder than she let on.
"What are you gonna do from now on?" I ask, careful not to sound intrusive. "You lost your job right? How are you gonna pay your rent?
She plasters a smile on her face. "I'll figure something out."
Before I can push it further with my vast myriad of questions, she rises from the couch and sets the glass on the table. " Well, I better go now. Thanks for the help, Juan. I'll see you around."
I watch with frozen limbs as she makes her way towards the door with that tilt on her step and wonder if I really was crazy after the next words I hear coming out of my mouth.
"Wait!"
She slowly turns around and gives me a curious look.
"I have a proposal, " I say before I can regret it.
She grins in response. "Thanks but I'm too young to get married."
"No, not that. I was wondering... I mean if you want to...." I've never felt more nervous in my life. My words keep stumbling into one another and I can barely keep the the inexplicable stutter out of my voice. "You can—you can work at the coffee shop with me. I can convince my boss to get you the job."
She smiles and pivots on her heel. " Yeah, right."
"Hey, I'm serious."
"Forget it, " she says without turning around.
"Why forget it? Aren't you struggling?"
For a moment it seems like I've caught her attention. She pauses in her steps and slowly turns around until she's completely facing me. There are no more hints of smiles or amusement. Just a blank expression that for some reason looks sadder than anything else. "I don't want your pity."
"Its not pity, " I protest. "We've been short of staff anyway and you need a job. It's a win-win for both of us."
She takes a deep breath and lets it out just as harshly. "Why are you doing this, Juan? The hospital and the bandages and everything... Why are you helping me?"
"I like helping people, " I simply reply.
"Some people don't like to be helped."
"Well, if you think that, you're an idiot!" I snap as a pinch of anger sneaks into my voice.
She raises an eyebrow.
"Look, " I continue. "I don't know if I've done something wrong or if you just don't like people in general. I was just trying to help. If you don't want it, the door's right there."
Okay, now I really fucked up. I'd never been so straight-forward to someone before but it was like her sharp jabs had forced the harsh words right out of my mouth. Sometimes, the frustration overwhelmed me to the point I couldn't tell right from wrong.
She's frozen in her spot, wide eyes staring at me in a mix of shock and wonder. But then, her eyes slowly drag along my body, giving me a once-over before setting on my face. Her lips crack into a lopsided grin that was anything but innocent. "I like you, Juan, " she says and heads for the door before pausing on the threshold. "And I'll think about your offer."
The door closes shut behind her and just like that, she's gone.
~ JOJO ~
There's no way I'm doing this, I say to myself as I take a hot shower. No fucking way, I repeat as I get dressed and tighten my shoelaces. I felt like a mere sheep heading to meet the butcher's axe. But the sheep was making this choice herself. She was willing.
I was afraid the boy had put a spell on me. I'd never been so weak-hearted and obedient to someone's requests. Here I was, going to that cursed coffee shop even after all the fights with Anna last night. She kept persuading me to stay inside, lock myself up in my room and not talk to anyone for the next week or so. She'd never been the social type, the bitch.
Most people said it was like a voice in your head urging you to do whatever it wanted, but that was not the case at all. If the concept of Ana was that unrealistic it wouldn't be so hard to label it as just another link into the shackles of mental disturbances but the thing was, there was that doubt that made you hesitate on whether these were actually your thoughts that made you behave this way or something actually real and tangible. The feeling of something not claiming its existence but still lingering like a shadow on your every step.Is it me or her?Who said that?
I shake my head violently to clear my thoughts as I find myself in front of the shop's entrance.The floor seems to wobble beneath my feet and I doubted whether it was just because of the fact that my stomach had crumpled in itself like a sheet of paper.
I clear my throat loudly to capture the attention of the man hunched on the counter.He slowly lifts his head as an automatic smile appears on his face. “Yes?"
I steady my posture. "I'm looking for someone named Jungkook. He works here."
His eyebrows almost touch his hairline but he's quick to recollect himself. "Oh, sure. He's in the back fixing some stuff. I'll go get him for you."
He disappears behind a door and comes back two seconds later with the reason of my sleepless nights by his side.
"You're here!" Jungkook exclaims, a little too loud for my liking. He seemed slightly surprised, as if he hadn't thought I would actually come. Couldn't blame the guy. There were times when traces of bipolarism would make it hard for people to understand what I actually meant.
Jungkook's open-lipped smile is almost contagious. He tramples his way forward and stops just an inch further, towering over me.The all-black outfit was present even today but this time an apron adorns his slim waist.
"I am, " I simply add.
"Oh, I almost forgot. This is Kwan, " he says as he gestures toward the smiley man. "We've been working together since I can remember."
I flick my eyes to the latter and nod a salute at him. "You should've called this place 'Juan and Kwan'. Quite catchy, if you ask me."
The man named Kwan chuckles. "She's funny. Where did you find her, Jungkook?"
"Oh, I'm the one who found him, " I intervene. "Besides, we've met before. I'm the green tea girl."
His eyes slightly widen with a sense of realization as he nods along.
Ironically enough, my stomach whines so loudly to the point where even Jungkook hears it. He points a finger at it. "You really need to shut that thing up."
I look down to my stomach and talk to it as if it were a real person. "Hey thing, shut up. Juan doesn't like the way you sound."
"Did you even eat anything on the way here? There are some cupcakes if you want, " Jungkook insists with the tone of a concerned mother.
"I'm not hungry, Juan. Must be uhh... my seven month-old baby."
Jungkook shakes his head in surrender and asks for me to follow him behind the same room he came from. My nervousness raises tenfold as a bunch of unpleasant thoughts immediately rush into my brain. If I didn't get this job, I could say goodbye to normalcy. I would fall down the hole dug by my own hands and never come back out. All the hard work of these past months out in the trash.
"Don't worry, " Jungkook reassures. "You'll do great."
~ JUNGKOOK ~
She was bursting with joy. It was like her face had been washed in the late afternoon sunlight, illuminating its every corner. She wasn't ridiculously beautiful or anything like that but there was something so captivating about watching that smile brighten up her features like a glorious sunrise, I could barely keep myself from staring.
However, one thing I learned about her was that she really knew how to celebrate. Her hands are struggling to hold all the groceries she'd gotten at the supermarket. Well...if you could call them groceries. All I could see were tons of candies and deserts and all sorts of sugary stuff able to furnish a dozen sweet-toothed five year-olds.
But the thing that baffled me the most is that she'd invited me at her place to thank me for the new job. I thought after all the fights she'd put up to keep me far and away she wouldn't give in so easily. Guess I'd been wrong.
"I thought you said you weren't hungry. " I watch her chew on a chocolate-covered donut that gave me diabetes just by looking at it.
"If there's one thing you need to know about me, Juan, is that I change my mind way too often, " she mumbles in between mouthfuls.
"Yeah I can see that, " I add.
"Hey, shut up now, will you? We need to celebrate!"
"By eating trash?"
"They say you are what you eat, " she replies.
I angrily grab the grocery bags from her hands and let her lead the way to her apartment. "Don't call yourself that. "
The jokes she constantly jabbed could be hilarious to someone else but they just did not sit well with me. I only found them as extremely self-deprecating and dark. It was the go-to type of thing for the depressed and people were so used to normalizing them, it was hard to point it out from time to time.
Her mouth pauses chewing as she gives me a hard but harmless stare. "Fuck, don't do that to me."
"Do what?"
The deep sigh she lets out through her nose tickles my eyelashes. She stops in front of the door and leans her back on it. "You keep being nice even when I annoy you."
"You don't annoy me, " I say quietly.
"Yes I do. I annoy everyone." Another sigh. "You know, Juan, all my life I've been treated like a joke. Yeah, I joke around a lot so I'll get joked at. Understandable. But like, no one has treated me the way you do before. You listen to what I have to say and give me honest answers and most importantly, you are serious when you need to be."
"Isn't that how everyone is supposed to be?"
"No. If I told someone I'm feeling sad they'll laugh at my face 'cause they think I don't have the right to feel anything."
"Well, fuck them, " I snap.
Her jaw almost drops to the floor. "Woah! I've never heard you swear before. That was low-key hot. Do it again."
I scratch the back of my head in discomfort and fumble with the edge of my T-shirt. Out of all the things she could've said..."Um...shit?"
The disappointment washes over her face as she scoffs and shakes her head disapprovingly. "Fucking rookie".
It is quiet for a few moments, save for the slight creak of the yellow door opening wide enough to finally offer me a front seat view of her apartment. I'd been strangely curious about what it would look like, eager to get to know more about where she lived, where she slept, what things the was interested in and no matter the weird turn my thoughts had taken I couldn't help but crave for more.
She lets me pass the threshold and takes the grocery bags from me to put them on the kitchen counter. The place reeked of lemons, their acrid stench filling the air to the point where it made my nose itch. I spot a few loose skins and other remnants by the table.Except for that, everything looked pretty much normal. Plain and bare of excessive decorations but I could see that she'd made efforts into putting her own preferences out in the open, littering the walls and ceiling. She liked minimalism, I could see.
"Did you throw a lemonade party last night?" I ask with the tiniest bit of chuckle tumbling from my mouth.
Her eyes flick to the evidence and I sense something I'd never witnessed so boldly in them before. Panic. "Oh, t-that..." she nervously stutters but it's gone in a blink as she quickly gains her composure. "Just an experiment. I love science."
I hum in agreement and eye the couch on my right. "Can I sit?"
"Yeah, yeah sure. Make yourself at home. But I have to warn you there's nothing on the fridge so you're left with these, " she says, giving the sweet goodies a single heave.
"Oreos, please." I stretch my hand across and a huge grin pulls at the edges of her lips.
We spend the next few minutes sitting in silence, munching cavities away like they were our last meal. It was surprising to say that it did not for a moment feel weird nor awkward. We barely knew each other and yet we seemed like two old pals seeking comfort into each other's presence.
"My place sucks, doesn't it?" she suddenly asks.
"Not really, " I reply. "I think it's pretty."
A confused frown appears on her face as she keeps munching on a chocolate bar. "How come?"
"Well, beauty is subjective, Jojo. What looks pretty in my eyes may not be the same for you."
"Deep words for a teenager, " she mumbles.
"Look who's talking."
"Yeah, yeah..." She waves her hand dismissively but I don't miss the tiny smirk hidden in her cheeks.
The grocery bags start to slowly empty. I was worried she was gonna make herself sick with all the sugar already flowing in her body.
She suddenly gets up and stretches, reaching with the tips of her fingertips up to the ceiling. Her hoodie rides up and I almost gasp in surprise. There are several marks littering the thin stripe of exposed skin, some dark, some purple and some turning yellowish. They made such a stark contrast with the pale white complexion that didn't exactly match the tone of her face. She'd obviously never worn anything too revealing, the sun rays far from tanning the skin. Before I can gawk my eyes out, it's gone in an instant when the hoodie falls back in place.
"This shit's addicting, " she says pointing at the leftovers on the table.
I could only wonder if she really had more problems than she let on. From what I'd gathered, she'd subtly admitted to being a victim of domestic abuse but that was a long time ago, wasn't it? Why were there still fresh scars on her body? As if to add on to my assumption I take notice of her bandaged hand.
"Where's that friend you mentioned?" I ask. "Was it Annie...Ann?"
Her eyes flick back to mine. "You mean Anna? She's always here for some reason. I consider more like family, to be honest. Never leaves my side. Just not today."
There was something fishy about the way Jojo's eyes turned glassy and distant every time she mentioned her friend. It kept rubbing me the wrong way.
I ask her to use the restroom and she shows me the way in a few curt gestures. As soon as I get inside, I am met with my distorted reflection on the mirror. A huge web blossomed into the side. Someone had cracked it, that part was fairly obvious.
What the hell was wrong this girl?
I wash my hands mindlessly and return to the living room. Jojo sits on the couch, man-spreading like a fourty-year old man on his second divorce. She winces once or twice and exhales through her nose. " I think I ate too much, " she whines.
"You think?"
"It's all your fault. You're the one who convinced me to eat, " she accuses.
"Well, I certainly didn't tell you to eat junk." I join her on the couch from a fair distance as she sulks away the nausea.
"What happened to your mirror?" I softly ask.
"I punched it, " she answers without looking.
"Why?"
"There was a fly on it and it kept buzzing while I was taking a shit."
I didn't believe that for a second but I nod my head nonetheless. From that moment on, she only adds to the dark jokes and I pretend to fall for them. All until the moment I require permission to leave with the excuse of having to work again tomorrow.
I can't deny the sick, empty feeling at the pit of my stomach when I watch her follow me with her sad stare as I leave the apartment .
~ JUNGKOOK ~
The days go by smoothly. It took a while for Jojo to get the hand of it, but soon enough, the orders look like mere tools in her hands, bending to her will. Thank goodness, she had the conscience not to lash out at rude customers even though I could see how hard she strained the muscles of her forearms by her sides. She was the first to arrive and the last to leave the coffee shop. All that and she still kept to her strict schedule, running every day at the crack of dawn. Every single day. Even I didn't work out that much.
I had to admit that my interest for her kept increasing more and more with every new detail I noticed. I was intrigued to find out more about her and I strangely found myself being pulled to her presence like a magnet. We'd continued our shared runs and conversations on each other's apartments more often than I remembered but there was still no progress on our status. Well, I once called her my friend and she didn't object to it so that must be a start.
"Well, someone's got a new crush."
I rip my eyes off Jojo's figure and come face to face with Kwan's amused stare. "What?"
"You like her, don't you?" Kwan teases further.
I sigh deeply and put my apron on the counter, ready for my lunch break. "I don't know, honestly, " I admit. "I'm not sure what it is, exactly."
"Listen, I know a crush when I see one and yours definitely is . Why don't you ask her out?"
"It's complicated."
Before Kwan can torture me with his long string of questions, Jojo stomps her way toward us with closed fists. "I swear to God if that bitch asks for a menu one more time..."
"Hey, hey we talked about this, " Kwan interferes. "Deep breaths. In and out."
She does what she's told a couple of turns and then rests her hand on her hip. "Nope. I'm still angry. I have to punch something."
"No violence in our workplace, Jojo."
She pouts in distaste and then suddenly her eyes land on mine. Her hand reaches out and points at my chin. "You got a little something.."
I dip my vision down only to be met with her index and middle finger giving my head a hard flick. She erupts in teasing giggles, soon joined by Kwan's booming laughter.
"Gotcha! Bro, I feel better already, " she says and gives Kwan a manly fist bump. I shake my head in surrender, a coy smile tugging at the corners of my lips and head for the room on the back. I hear the swish of Jojo's apron on the counter as she soon falls into my steps. We had a ten minute break everyday and Jojo was never one to miss it, always deciding to share that precious time with me. She kinda ruined it with the jokes sometimes but I didn't really mind.
She offers me a slice of cucumber trapped on the sharp edge of her knife and I politely decline. She always did that, sharing food left and right even though most of the times it wasn't even that much to begin with.
"Wanna hangout after work?" I suddenly ask. I hadn't planned this at the slightest. It was like the words jumped right out of my throat. Sure, we'd hung out before but only on days off and certainly not on evenings.
She hesitates for a moment before chewing on the cucumbers. "Sure, why not? It's Sunday tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, " I admit.
"Cool."
I try not to let the excitement show on my face as I finish the last bits of my lunch. The late afternoon takes longer than usual to arrive. By the end of the shift, I'd been itching to get the apron off. Jojo, on the other hand seems unbothered. For her it was probably just another day with the bane of her existence.
She nudges her elbow into my side as we exit the doors together, throwing a glance at the bike by the side of the road. She would ride that thing here everyday even though the memories of the accident were still fresh. "I'll just leave it here tonight, " she says, as if reading my thoughts. "Don't wanna make your sorry ass struggle to keep up with me."
I give her a teasing light push and pull at a string on her hair. "Fuck off."
We go for a series of playful kicks and thrashes that turn milder and milder with every inch we come closer to my apartment. By the point we've reached the door, my poor hair is being twisted like a rope in her cruel hands. She really liked touching my hair. She kept saying she'd braid it or put it in a ponytail at least once before she died. Me on the other hand had scolded her for mentioning death in the first place.
"Ok, but you have to let me style it for you, " she insists, never dropping the issue.
"No, thank you. I like my hair the way it is, " I reply in feigned smugness.
"Asshole, " she mumbles under her breath.
"What?"
"I said Casserole. I'm craving some."
My eye creases soften on their own. "I can make it for you if you want."
"You know how?"
"No, but I can look it up online."
At that, a shy smile brushes her features.
"Nah, it's alright. I think about all sorts of food all the time. I'd probably change my mind after five minutes."
She plops down on the couch comfortably and groans when the bones of her back click to let her unwind. The way she'd grown more and more comfortable around me gave me this weird sense of satisfaction, as if I'd been seeking for that validation from the start. In fact, our whole situation was weird. I enjoyed her company and hopefully the feeling was mutual but there was still something missing. I didn't know exactly what but I certainly knew that deep down she was hiding a whole different personality.
My apartment had become so familiar to her, she doesn't hesitate to let me know without much further ado that she'd be using the restroom. But just before fully rising, she types something down on her phone with the utmost concentration. The only reason why it attracted my attention was the excessive amount of times she'd done that for today. And yesterday. And days before that. It would take one bite of her food and she'd immediately reach for her phone.
Did she use a calorie tracker?
I curse myself enough to damn my soul to hell for the rest of eternity but it still doesn't stop my hand from shakily grasping the phone lying on the couch. I draw the pattern I'd memorized from watching her unlock it all those times and just like that, the Notes app lights back into life. My eyes widen with every single line I read.
Day 35
I fucked up today.
I had three donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner. The cravings are fucking horrible.
Total : 1560 cals
I scroll down to some days back.
Day 34
I wouldn't say it's bad. I went for a run and had an apple afterwards. Take that Anna, you whiny bitch!
Total: 78 cals
There's a visible pattern in the notes; wins, losses,relapses. My eyes scan the screen speedily, fleeting through each letter and word.
Guess what? I fucked up again—
I hate myself—
I did not eat anything today! Nothing, I tell you! Haven't felt this empty since—
I so wanna die right now—
Please make it stop—
Day 71
No comment
Day 72
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No comment—
"That's my phone, you know."
I raise my head to level my blown-out pupils with her calm ones. Unperturbed. Smooth like waves in a gentle breeze. She doesn't look angry to witness my shameless snooping, just disappointed. She knows that I know. It all makes sense now. The scars, the small meals, the excessive workouts...I feel a pang in my chest for being such a fool all this time.
I muster whatever courage left within me and rasp out the words. "Who exactly is Anna?"
~ JOJO ~
"She's a bitch."
"An imaginary bitch, " Jungkook emphasizes.
"Doesn't make her less of a bitch, " I mumble.
He has been giving me a cold yet sympathizing stare for the last five minutes but I knew that deep inside he was bashing himself for not knowing.
"It's short for Anorexia, " I clarify.
"How long has this been going on?" Jungkook continues. He didn't seem like giving up on the detective role anytime soon. Little did I know that he would fully embrace the title.
"Three years."
His head drops in his hands. He gives his pretty face a hard rub before turning it back towards me, eyes now laced with something similar to compassion.
"Why aren't you looking at me like that?" I ask him.
"Like what?"
"Like I'm some sort of freak."
"You're not a freak, " he grits between his teeth.
"But that's what everyone would say if I told them. I know they'll look at me differently."
"I'm not everyone."
He was right. He wasn't everyone. That's why I kept dropping hints on him with every chance I could get. I wanted him to know but then again I didn't want him to know. It was hard to explain.
Jungkook keeps his piercing stare on me, hoping to get a reaction. Then he pats the spot next to him on the couch as a few strands of hair fall into his eyes. It made him look so adorable, I decided right there and then I would do whatever he said. Just asking would be enough.
"What's it like?" he asks as soon as I make myself comfortable.
"My disorder?"
He nods.
I think for a few moments before answering. How was I supposed to to explain it? It had been by my side for such a long time, I didn't know how to tell my disease and myself apart.
"Well, to begin with, I'm fat."
Come on. Say it. Come on.
His eyebrows scrunch in disbelief. "No, you're not."
There you go.
"You look pretty normal to me, " he continues.
"Normal is just another word for "you're fat but I don't wanna say it in your face, " I spit and it only makes him look more confused. "Oh, come on. I bet the first thing that came to your mind when you thought about anorexia was a skinny pale girl looking at a mirror. See? I knew it. In people's eyes anorexia and non-skinny people do not correlate."
Jungkook looks embarrassed to say the least. I know he's trying his best to find a gentle way around me but the deep crimson of his cheeks doesn't make it any easier for him. "I—"
"Look, Juan. I don't wanna overwhelm you with my bullshit. I'm sick in the head, okay? The things I do are not cool and I don't want you to be part of it."
"I thought we were friends..." he whispers in a low voice.
"We are but—"
"Just explain it to me, please. I'll help you get rid of it."
He really had no idea. His gullible self couldn't understand that this was not just a disorder. It was a lifestyle and the only way I knew how to survive. I release a sigh of defeat and try to muster the most joyful tone. "Fine. You wanna know what it's like? I'll tell you what it's like. Every day, I get up from that bed with the sole purpose of starving. I don't want to eat. It's that simple. Now you're probably thinking: ' why the fuck aren't you dead yet?' That's because I can't starve correctly, Juan. I can't do shit."
Jungkook keeps his unwavering stare directed towards my face and hands that passionately make weird gestures from time to time. I notice something sparking within me, a small flare of anger and pent up frustration finally getting some release. Saying the words out loud was unnerving. I'd never imagined them anywhere but on the interiors of my head.
"Numbers are important. I can't tell the difference even if I lost some weight. That's why I use the scale everyday."
"What do you usually eat?" Jungkook carefully asks.
"Anything that has low calories in it. But it doesn't last long and I'll immediately eat junk food three times the amount. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. It's a vicious cycle."
"Why don't you try a healthy diet?"
I let out a humorless laugh. "Wow, you're richer than I thought."
He blinks. "What? Why?"
"Healthy diets are expensive, dumbass. Ever wondered how rich people have those avocado diets and that type of shit? But that's just an excuse. The real reason is that I lack will."
"If you lacked will, you'd be dead by now."
"That's where I'm heading."
His head falls in his hands again and those pretty smooth lips mumble under his fingers. "You're not satisfied with your body?"
"Not satisfied is an understatement. I hate my body. It's hard to explain actually. I don't want to be sick to the point where I can't even stand but I don't want to be curvy either , you know what I mean? Its like I want a thin body but then I see a muscular one and I'm like ooh I want that one too and I don't know..."
Jungkook's eyes seem to sparkle on that. "So, you want a lean muscular body?
"Yes."
"That's not so hard to achieve."
I put up my best fake surprised-expression. "No shit, sherlock. Why didn't you just say so? You would've saved me from a lot of trouble."
"Fuck you, " he grumbles.
"I'm already fucked for life my man."
His deep sigh tickles my face. "You're impossible. How can you joke about this?"
"Then what am I supposed to do? Cry about it? Trust me, I've tried that a lot of times. It won't do shit. If I laugh about it, it won't be as shitty, " I add. "But jokes aside, it's not just about being thin. Its also about being in control, being aware of your own body. I feel so angry and frustrated every time I lose my streak."
To my surprise, he smirks in such an inappropriate way, it paints his face in a whole new canvas . "Don't worry. There are some situations where control just isn't needed."
I almost choke on my spit. Jungkook, being audacious? Well that was new. "Feeling bold, Juan?" I tease.
"Maybe, " he admits but now it had turned into what seemed like a shy smile. I try to latch onto that glimpse of humor and normalcy in hopes of taming the wild turns and takes of our conversation. But just when I thought I'd taken hold of it, Jungkook jumps into a new question. "What else can you tell me?"
I highly doubted I would be able to spill the contents of my soul in such a short time but if he was so hellbent on knowing more, knowing he would get." I can tell you a lot of things but I can also guarantee they're not pleasant."
He doesn't even blink.
"Fine. You asked for it." I pause. " I've been like this for three years now and it has only gotten worse as time passed. I already know what you've seen online and what you think eating disorders are. Trust me, it's bullshit. Don't believe the shit they give you. Do you know how many overweight people are anorexic? A whole bunch of them but if they tell anyone about it they'll get laughed at 'cause apparently anorexia exist only for skinny white girls. A lot of guys have it too. But they call it cutting back some pounds when they hit the gym. No way that's unhealthy, right? Totally justified. It's all just a big pile of shit. There's nothing cute or romantic about it. You know what's funny? I can go for days without taking a shit but I'll pee every two hours. I drink so much water to the point where it makes me sick. I never get warm. I take every single bite counting numbers in my head and wondering how I'll burn it off later, I spin in circles to make myself sick just so I won't be able to eat, I measure my waist three times a day and I feel like fainting every time I get up. I hurt myself 'cause I don't like what I see."
I feel that familiar ball of imaginary yarn settle to the base of my throat but I push it back down just as fast. Not now. Anytime but now.
Jungkook's eyes glint with sadness. He gulps once before lowering his vision and choosing to stare at the hands resting on his lap. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, " I reply. " It's not your fau—"
His hand shoots out to capture my own. A thousand tiny electric sparkles tingle up my arm. Maybe it's the lack of contact or just the knowledge that it's him but the way his warm palm fits into mine feels so right and I can't move it away for the life of me. His thumb brushes lightly across my knuckles. "I'm not pitying you, okay?" he says in a gentle voice. "I would never pity you. I just don't want to see you like this."
I lift my eyes to his own and stare at him like he was a glass statue, pouring some of his brightness on me. I didn't understand why he hadn't kicked me off yet. And to think that I was enjoying it...
Jungkook observes the slight tremor of my hand in his, which I'm desperately trying to hide and a subtle smile graces his lips.
"You're touch starved, " he murmurs. Not in a malicious way. Not mocking me for it. Just stating things out in the open. It was the quality I liked the most about him.
"Physical contact is a luxury to me," I admit.
"It shouldn't be. You're human."
"I'm not even sure about that anymore."
The smile stretches wider as his nimble fingers intertwine with my trembling ones in a gentle, yet firm grip.
"Is this okay?" he questions, eyes set on the motion.
"No, but carry on."
It all felt like a guilty pleasure, like those sweet candies your mother keeps hiding from you and when you do find them, the taste is but absolute bliss. A forbidden fruit. I knew I shouldn't be leading him anywhere and spoil his peaceful life with my problems but I couldn't make myself pull back either. I was all of a sudden caught up between two fires that would scorch me and themselves in the end. Pushing people away or letting them in the confines of my chaos. I would lose either way.
I put on my best unperturbed mask to make it known I wasn't affected at the very least but just like that, his other hand slides up to my elbow and locks it in place. His deep look burns with something I can't quite decipher. "Can I kiss you?" he suddenly asks.
I freeze for a split second but try to shake it off with an intentional raise of my eyebrow. "Why?"
"I want to, " he breathes.
I was torn between slapping some sense into him and laughing my ass off but I do neither. My posture stays unmoving, waiting. "Do you really want to?" I ask again.
"Yeah, " he confesses and I catch his eyes glancing down to my lips.
I shrug. "Okay."
I've barely gotten the word out when he closes the small distance in a matter of seconds. A hand latches onto my jaw to angle it better and that's where I feel the soft, plushy texture of his lips come into contact with mine. They're so delicate and move so gently, I feel like I've ascended into time and space. I let his bangs tickle my cheekbones because it obscured his eyes from view and I didn't want to witness the reality of it.
Before I can dwell longer on them, he pulls back, forming the smallest of distances. His pupils are blown out, dark eyes staring with something more than just interest. I take notice of my fist bunching up the T-shirt he's wearing. Apparently, I hadn't been able to block out all my reactions. I release the material immediately and rise to my feet. A quick glance at the window showed that it was already dark.
"Good night, " I chirp and grab my phone resting on the table, heading speedily for the door.
Jungkook panicks and stands up just as fast.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"Home," I reply.
His eyebrows bunch up in confusion yet again. "You can't just go like that after I kissed you."
"Watch me."
In less than four strides I've crossed the threshold and shut the door behind me with a thump. People were right when they said you couldn't see yourself blush but you could feel it. My whole face felt like it was on fire, an uncomfortable warmth spreading equally up to the tips of my ears.
Who the fuck even blushes anymore?
I smack my lips in annoyance as I make my way down the stairs in a newfound rush. I cant deny it. I liked the kiss. Maybe a little too much. In fact I wanna go back there and steal the breath out of his lips. But I can't. It was a one time thing. And it will remain that way. Or at least I hoped so.
~ JUNGKOOK ~
Anorexia nervosa, often referred to simply as anorexia, is an eating disorder characterized by low weight, food restriction, fear of gaining weight, and a strong desire to be thin. Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight even though they are, in fact, underweight.
Sleep is far from reach as I keep scrolling down page after page of the same generic description. Countless of pics of young girls with ribs and bones sticking out of their pale skin had been more than enough to make my own skin crawl, the after-images blazed forever behind my eyelids. She was right— they all said the same thing but I'd always known that no matter what what was said, you couldn't really understand something without experiencing it yourself first hand.
I put my laptop aside and lay down on the warm comfort of my bed. Even though I'd willed my eyes shut, sleep just wouldn't come. She kept busying my head with all kinds of thoughts— thoughts of her disorder, thoughts of what she was doing right now and the memory of her soft lips on mine. I keep replaying that exact moment like a loop, feeding off my imagination like a middle-schooler. She'd acted like she barely gave a shit but there was no mistakening the furious blush that had fallen across her nose and cheeks all the way to the tips of her ears. It looked surprisingly adorable on her, different from any type of reaction I'd gotten in exchange.
I roll over the other side of the bed and smash the back of my head on the pillow. I'm such an asshole. And she's no better either. How can you just leave after someone kisses you?
I leave my mind pondering to these thoughts as my eyelids slowly start to weigh down on me. But just when I'm about to pass out cold, a dark figure intrudes the corner of my eye, causing my body to turn upright.
Jojo's standing by the threshold, dressed up in what looked like loose see-through sleeping clothes. The material fell in graceful waves from the hems and pooled around her ankles. It felt weird not seeing her dressed up in her usual tomboy look but I was enjoying the view
nonetheless. Her hair drapes over her shoulder and hides a part of her face, the rest of it, illuminated by the moonlight seeping from the drawn-back curtains. It looked like she'd just awoken, eyes mussed up with sleep but still focused on my form. She stares deeply at me, as if waiting for something.
All traces of exhaustion now wiped clean, I push myself up on my elbows and return the stare. How had she gotten here this late? Did she know my password?
She saunters over to the bed in such a seductively delicate manner but yet it was so subtle, I doubted whether she did it on purpose or not. Her left knee touches the duvet first, making the bed dip slightly under her weight. Then she leans her palm facing down and proceeds to come closer and closer on all fours like a
predator targeting its prey. I was like a deer caught in the headlights in the most cliché sense of the word. I kept observing her movements with
silent adoration and the more I tried to look away, the harder my eyes seemed to fixate on her approaching form. At some point she's sitting so close to me that I can feel her soft breath fluttering my eyelashes. She slowly tilts her head and gives me a look of mild curiosity, as if puzzled by my existence there altogether.
"Can I touch you?" she softly asks. Her dark orbs bore into mine, waiting for my answer. Such a sheer persuasion is held inside of them that I find myself gulping audibly before nodding without a moment's notice. She comes impossibly closer, almost attaching her body into mine and then raises a hand up to my hair, the small fingers playfully twirling the dark locks. I then notice her own hair falling in curtains in front of her face, slightly obscuring her eyes from view. It makes her look even more mysterious and alluring, I can barely resist the urge to tuck a string back behind her ear.
"Can I do more than just touch you?" she asks again and this time the movement of her hand slows into a halt. The edges of her lips pull slightly in a teasing manner and seem to merge into a coy smile.
My heart starts beating like crazy. I can feel it accelerate into a manic pace as it pulses with an unfaltering heat underneath my fingertips.
I muster whatever air left in my lungs and whisper the words in a breeze. "Whatever you'd like."
That's all the approval she needs. She tilts her head on the side and lets the tip of her nose brush my earlobe. The breath she lets go draws from me an involuntary shudder that washes over my body; from the top of my head and down to my toes.
I fist the sheets to the point where it hurts. I wanted to touch her too, to feel her and to breathe her in. But I don't. I decide to let her be the one in control, to let her know that just a word tumbling from her lips would be enough to give her all of me. All that I had.
She drags those sinful lips along the side of my neck painfully slow and then puts her legs on each side of my hips, straddling them. And then she kisses me. Even though barely a peck, it burns scolding hot and causes my lips to burst into a heap of tingles.
My hands find their way into her waist, digging through the material but she stops me with her own and gives my chest a light push. I try to relax and let my back lower till it finally makes contact with the sheets. She hovers above me, graceful strings of hair tickling my neck as she attacks my lips again with bruising strength.
That's when I feel it. My shirt being lifted.
Her cold fingertips, in stark contrast with my ridiculously hot skin, leave goosebumps in their wake. I try to reach with my hands and help her get it off but she grabs them and puts them back down. "Don't. I'll do it for you."
She resumes her previous action and sweeps my shirt completely off but not before making sure those nimble fingers slide along my skin with an added pressure. I let her. I let her do whatever she wants with me. She can have me.
I pray silently with my eyes for her to kiss me again and surprisingly, she understands. But this time I can't help the small whine coming deep from the back of my throat as she dips her head down and lets her tongue swipe a sensitive stripe on my neck. I'm scared the sheets will rip into shreds from how hard I'm twisting them.
She doesn't stop. Only goes lower and lower with open-mouthed kisses, down my chest, through the ridges of my abs, all the way to my navel. She stops there and the hard muscle of her tongue moves in a way that makes me gasp out loud. I shut my eyes tight.
When I open them again, the pressure on my tummy slowly dissipates. I drag my eyes to my front but there's no one there. Just the open window swaying the curtains and the entirety of my room swallowed by semi-darkness.
She's not here. It was just a dream.
I sit up on my bed and drag a hand to my face, rubbing it hard to pull myself together. What the hell just happened? I hate myself even more for the fact that I wish it wasn't a dream. I let my head fall back with a thump into the pillows and notice the uncomfortable heat at the bottom of my stomach. "Holy shit, " I whisper.
~ JOJO ~
Sometimes even the most colorful butterflies in your stomach cannot stop the tears from falling. Me, like the miserable human being I was, had cried myself to sleep last night instead of hopping cheerfully around my room. Jungkook's shut eyes and the serene expression on his face when he'd put his lips on mine had only made me wallow into self-doubt even more than usual. Did he actually mean it or had it just been a reflex, something to pass the time? I felt as if I didn't deserve any of the things he offered me, regardless of his intentions. But fuck, did I want to have him. Fuck. I'd never met a more perfect person with all of those tiny imperfections that actually made him real and whole.
That perfect smile that puts all of his pearly white teeth on display shines bright even know as he notices me entering the shop but I don't fail to detect the eyes that shy away in embarrassment. How cute.
"Hey, " he tries to hold the grin from spreading across his face as he scratches his neck awkwardly.
"Hey yourself, " I reply with forced nonchalance. It doesn't work. I fall under the scrutiny of his eyes as he can tell something's off.
"Your eyes are red, " he states matter of factly.
"Last time I checked they were brown."
His face falls. "Don't give me that shit."
Wow. That kiss had definitely given him some confidence. As far as I remembered, swearing was something he found hard to do unless absolutely necessary. Was I getting to him already?
Preparing to start the work, I click my tongue and move into an arc around his back. I let the silence fill the empty slots, too tired to come up with some lame excuse when suddenly, the presence of warm fingers greets the skin of my elbow. I look down to see Jungkook's hand on it, eyes brimmed with genuine worry, something I hadn't seen in a long time. "Is everything alright?" he questions and the words alone make the butterflies in my stomach almost turn into pigeons. "You left all of a sudden last night."
The angle on which he bends his neck to level his eyes with mine makes them stand out so adorably, so bright and full of life, I can barely hold a squeal from ripping out of my throat. He was just standing there in all his glory and looking at me like I was the thing he cared about the most. Maybe I was. Did it sound too far-fetched?
I slowly reach up and twirl one of his dark locks on my forefinger, letting it drag to the side of his cheek as I give it a small poke. I hear the breath that hitches on his throat and it only spurs me on even more. "Why? Did you miss me?"
He doesn't back down, eyes boring into mine with an intensity that deserved some recognition. They occasionally flicker down to my lips and I already know what passes through his mind at this moment.
Someone clears their throat.
I immediately put some distance, eyes dragging to the new intruder only to find Kwan staring at us both with a shit-eating grin. He was gonna use this to blackmail us, I was sure about that but I couldn't care less. Not when Jungkook's eyes follow me without failing as I backtrack a few steps.
"He had something in his hair, " I explain with a faint gesture. Kwan's grin grows impossibly larger but he doesn't say anything, deciding instead to grab one of the glasses and wipe it raw, a habit more than out of intention.
I ignore his teasing remarks for the rest of the day and watch Jungkook's prying eyes from the corner of my vision. He'd throw a glance my way with every chance he got and without even being subtle about it. When it's time for our lunch break, his stare becomes so bashful, I can't help but stare back with an offended glare.
"You're doing it again, " he says before I can part my lips.
"Doing what? " I ask.
"Putting a mask on your face. It's funny but it's bullshit."
More swearing. Was it really possible to change someone for the worst with a few words? The last thing I wanted was for him to follow into my steps.
"There's no need to act cool all the time. If you're not okay, you can just say so." His hands fumble with the edges of his lunch box, fingers scraping at it out of nervousness. "You can say it to me, " he adds more softly. " I'll listen."
"Hey, its not that big of a deal, " I wave him off.
"Not that big of a deal?" he mimicks. "You can die."
"So? What's it to you?"
Jungkook sighs deeply. "Jojo—"
"Are you gonna feed me the classic love yourself bullshit?" I interrupt him before he has the
chance to say the words I've heard being trumpeted so
many times. "Cause there's no need for that. I already love myself. I mean, sure I would jump off a cliff if I could but I love living. I love life to death."
I'm pretty sure that so called mask he mentioned was glowing with pride right now. Even though deep down I knew it felt wrong, I still—
"You do this on purpose, don't you?" I turn my eyes to him only to see a smug expression that looked so foreign and uncharacteristic on his face. "I know what you're doing. You act rude and sassy and uncaring to fend people off so they won't get attached to you because you think your presence alone harms them." He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and his face floats mere inches from mine. "Isn't that right?"
When I don't answer back, his hands cup my knees as he leans so impossibly close that I can count all the dark brown flecks in his eyes. "Hate to break it to you but you can try as much as you want. You're not getting rid of me so easily."
His husky voice brings a smile on my face and I still make no move to put his hands away. "Oh, I can get rid of you. I just don't want to."
~ JUNGKOOK ~
"What do you mean you don't want to? I thought you liked hanging around with me?"
"It's late, Juan."
Jojo grabs the handles of her bike and turns it around in a semi-circle but before she can hop on the seat, I give her hoodie a pull and take over. From the moment I start pedaling, she sighs in exasperation. "Dude, come on, give it back."
"I'm not taking no for an answer, " I quickly reply. "I'm making chicken breasts tonight. Low calorie. You have to come over."
Jojo slowly catches up and we move like that for a while; her walking and me on the bike. It felt strangely relieving to have a moment of peace after a long and exhausting workday. I close my eyes and let the sun rays bask on my face with their warm texture. From the silence that follows, I suppose she's left with no other choice but to give in.
"Watcha thinking about?" I hear her ask after a few moments.
I open my eyes and turn my head towards her. "You."
She snorts. "You've stepped up your game, my man. Glad to see some progress."
"I learned from the best."
"Nah, I'm pretty sure you were already popular with the ladies way before you met me."
The soles of my feet touch the concrete and I force the bike into a halt. "What makes you say that?"
"Well, " Jojo grins, "there's a girl behind us staring at your asscheeks–"
I choke on my spit.
"–and I mean like I can't exactly blame her because your ass is really looking pretty puffed up in that seat–"
"Anywaaaays, " I drag the word long enough to make her stop and proceed to flick my chin on the side. "Let me give you a ride."
Jojo's whole face dismorphs as her lips twist into a barely contained smile. It takes me a while to get the dirty reference. "Oh come on, " I yell out of frustration. "A ride. On a bike. Here on the street. Out in the ope–"
"Yeah, yeah. Just scoot over."
I do as I'm told and not a moment longer, Jojo tries to get comfortable on the back seat. However, I had a better idea. "Hey, why don't you pass to the front?"
Jojo peeks over my shoulder. "No. We'll fall if I do that."
"No, we won't, " I insist. "Just trust me. I'll keep you safe."
I don't know if those words struck a cord within her because she looks genuinely caught off guard with those big sparkly eyes staring at me in earnest. That's where I understood.
Words have power.
I could help her turn things around for the better. I could help her get back to normal. I could do all of these things and more if only she would crack the door of her soul open just an inch to let me in.
"Okay, " she finally answers in a tone much softer than usual. I scoot back and let her sit on the bike's supporting rod.
"Ugh, my ass is gonna be bruised like hell by the time we get there, " Jojo whines and squirms in discomfort.
Chuckling, I give the pedals a push and soon fall into a constant rhythm. Unfortunately for Jojo, it is hard to keep the balance so she is forced to hold onto my shirt. She barely touches it though. "Oh God."
"What?"
"Don't tell me this is one of those cliché supposedly romantic moments where the girl almost falls and they look into each other's eyes and shit like that."
I keep my eyes on the road. "I mean, it's not so dramatic to begin with. We're just chilling. And for the record, we did kiss so I don't see how just looking at each other can be such a big deal."
"Can't believe you pulled that card on me."
"You deserved it, " I reply in a smug tone.
After another moment of comfortable silence, Jojo's arms snake around my waist and the side of her head leans back on my chest. It feels like holding a baby, warming my body up with the presence of blood and life flowing underneath the skin.
For fear of scaring her away, I decide not to add any teasing remarks on why she changed her attitude in a matter of seconds, despite how tempting it was. If that loneliness she constantly felt was reduced even by a fraction, my job was done.
"Are you sleepy?" I carefully ask.
Her arms squeeze me even tighter. When she rubs her cheek affectionately on the front of my shirt, I fight the urge to erupt into giggles. "No, " she answers. "Just tired."
It would only take some time. Just a little bit more time and all her exhaustion would ripple away with no traces in her body or mind. This was my job from now on.
~ JOJO ~
It wasn't exactly his job to nurture me like a newborn baby but I couldn't deny the fact that I liked this new attention. I'd always tried not to feed my narcisstic side too much but it was a pleasant surprise to find out that someone other than Ana acknowledged my existence. These are the thoughts spinning round my head as I stare at the tiny bow of Jungkook's apron tied up at the small of his back. Or at least that's what I was supposed to be looking at because for the past fifteen minutes, my eyes had been trying not to drag down on the voluptuous planes of his ass that stuck painfully tight to the black jeans he was wearing. It's like the sucker was doing it on purpose, keeping his back to me the whole time.
"I really can't blame that girl for staring at you earlier, " I wonder out loud after the uncomfortable silence becomes unbearable. "With jeans that tight, you're asking for it, my man."
Upon hearing the words, Jungkook turns around with a spatula on one hand and a look of confusion on his face. "Isn't that what men usually say to women?"
"Exactly. But there are way less chances for a man to be sexually harassed by a woman, now isn't there? So don't come at me with that equality bullshit."
A small, understanding smile creeps up on the side of Jungkook's lips and in contrast to my words, it really seems genuine. "True. But that still doesn't make it okay." He turns back to flipping the chicken breasts on the pan.
I sigh. "Yeah, alright. Sorry for complimenting your ridiculously gorgeous butt—"
A snort.
"— but I won't hesitate to slap that shit if you piss me off, Juan. And I won't do it in a kinky way."
At that, Jungkook fully turns around, places the fresh meal onto the table and hurriedly takes a seat. "You're into that sort of thing?"
"Nah, man. I like being normal."
"Normal? You?" Jungkook cocks an eyebrow, the emphasis on the word clearly intentional. I understood that something like that was to be expected from people but it didn't mean it didn't secretly hurt my feelings. Being always ousted as the weird one took a mental toll on you and if you ever tried to blend in, it would only make you stand out more.
I let out a noise of impatience. "Listen, here Juan. I might be sick as fuck but my life doesn't revolve around my disorder.
I have favorite hobbies and colors and that kind of shit."
"Is it black?" Jungkook jumps in, suddenly curious.
"Navy blue, but that's not the point."
"I know it isn't." He sighs wistfully. "Sorry, Jojo. The only reason I said that is because every five seconds you try to assert your dominance so I assumed your preferences on that particular side were a bit...freakish." His expression is halfway between apologetic and entertained and he seems torn between the two.
Curse my dumbass brain for ever acting on impulse.
I scratch the back of my head in discomfort and avert his eyes. "Okay. Okay, I get it. I jumped too fast to conclusions–" I lean my elbow on the table, "–but that's because I'm very athletic."
Jungkook deadpans.
After another uncomfortable silence settles in and after Jungkook realizes he's not getting another word from me, he absentmindedly taps the table with his fingertips. " By the way, same for me, " he mumbles.
"Huh? " I logically reply.
"I have the same preferences as you." He raises his head and looks at me dead in the eye. "Normal."
At this point, I had no idea why we'd decided to reveal our sexual preferences for absolutely no reason but it had come to that. Crazy, right? Me and emo-boy pouring our hearts out to each other...
"So, " Jungkook interrupts my train of thought as he starts chewing on the fresh chicken pieces. "You seem like a competitive person."
"I guess you could say that, " I hum in agreement.
"Well, I have another proposal."
"Like I said, it's too early for me to get married."
The expression he makes as he tries to keep the food from spilling almost causes me to burst out laughing. Even after he's successfully managed to breathe in some air, the faint traces of a phantom smile are still visible.
"I meant a challenge. For you. A bet, to be more exact. Do you like bets?"
"I do, actually."
"Well then. We'll play a game of tic-tac-toe. The rules are simple. If you win, I'll do everything you want for the rest of the day. Now....if I win....." A devilish grin stretches on one side of his face. "You'll practically do whatever I ask you to. It's the same for both cases."
"What's the catch?"
Jungkook leans back in his chair and links his hands on the back of his head. " There's no catch. I like games, that's all."
The satisfied, confident expression he was wearing made it clear that this was not just a simple game. I was sure as hell he had something up his sleeve but that didn't turn me off nor made me back down. Why not let the guy have his own fair share of fun? However, that didn't mean I couldn't at least give things a little twist.
"Okay, then. Take your shirt off."
This time Jungkook really can't help but choke on his chicken breasts, sputtering pieces of food everywhere. One of them barely misses my face.
"What the fuck! Why?" he screeches, hands wildly attempting to clean the mess.
I slowly drift into a smile. "Relax, pretty boy. We're playing the game on your abs.
~ JOJO ~
"This is stupid."
"You're stupid. Now shut up."
Jungkook gives me one last incredulous look before pulling the shirt completely over his head. In all honesty, the sight was to drool for. That swirling tattoo I'd always caught a glimpse of, is now clearly displayed on one part of his chest and on his left side, reaching up to his neck and down to his hipbone. I try to keep my composure as best as I can but some of my facial expressions must have been on point because Jungkook seems to start feeling uneasy. He shifts his weight from foot to foot and scratches the back of his head. I almost feel bad for lightly snorting but then I think better of it. After all, I was allowed to have some harmless fun, right? No biggie.
The ridges of Jungkook's magnificent abdominal muscles come into view as he slowly approaches. His posture is a bit stiff, however. The guy was trying his best to suck his stomach in, in hopes of flaunting his slim waist in the most perfect angle.
"Stop flexing, Juan." I say in a monotonous voice. "I already know you're ripped. "
Caught in the act, he shyly smiles and lowers his eyes. "Sorry."
The smile only grows further when I use a marker to draw the lines for the game on his stomach. He squirms and twitches with every flick of my wrist. Apparently, ticklish was another adjective to add onto the dictionary of my names for him.
After a rough sketch is drawn on his tummy, Jungkook gestures for me to make the first move. "Ladies first, " he says with a grin that almost looked pained. His eyes follow my hand that had been finishing the last touches.
I draw an X.
He draws an O.
We move back and forth, exchanging the marker every time, until I realize.
I'm fucked.
He had me cornered in both rows. Wherever I put my next mark, I would still lose. It was an old technique that everyone had used at some point but my dumb ass had fallen right into the trap. But was I really to blame with him looking at me like that?
Jungkook chuckles. "I win."
Fuck. I'm screwed.
"Looks like you're gonna be my servant for the rest of the day. " He throws a careless glance at the windows, pitch dark background already behind them. "Or should I say, night?"
I sit back down on the chair and man-spread in defeat. "Fine. You won. Congratulations. Now what do you want me to do?"
He doesn't even hesitate, his voice as clear as glass. "Kiss me."
I stare at him in disbelief but it didn't seem like there had been a slip of the tongue. He was dead serious with those hooded eyes and the fact that he hadn't even put his shirt back on was for some reason unnerving.
A scoff escapes from me. "Out of all the things you could've asked.... I thought you were gonna make me clean your kitchen or something."
"Oh ,we have plenty of time for that, " Jungkook replies with a newfound smugness.
I mull it over in my head for a second before slowly rising from the chair. He leans forward in anticipation and it's as if his every fiber feels ready to pounce in action.
I honestly found it hard to comprehend the concept behind all of this. Out of all the nice looking girls out there, he found a dirty looking rag called me? Me?!
I give my head a slight shake and reach up with the tips of my toes. I listen to Jungkook's breathing stagger for a moment, only to be released with disappointment when I touch my lips to the side of his cheek, furthest from his two plumps of pink rosy flesh. Jungkook's expression looks slightly annoyed as I pull back, observing the ruins left in my wake.
"That's not exactly what I was thinking, " he laughs to himself, half out of disappointment half out of disbelief.
"You never specified where to kiss you, " I explain.
There had been nothing forcing me to act the way I did. Absolutely no one but myself yet I still felt like something was missing. Like I wasn't enough for him or any other person. My mind kept lying to itself, in the hopes that if I could avoid being too touchy, he probably would forget about me altogether.
Jungkook, bless his soul, gets rid of the awkwardness in a moments's notice, his cheeks puffed up in what resembled a pout. "You played me good, huh?" he huffs and I hold the urge to laugh like a little girl. It felt weirdly cute to see him so worked up over a small rejection when he could make any girl fall in his arms with just a snap of his fingers.
I lower my voice in a mockingly deep baritone. "What are your next orders, my lord?"
Jungkook smiles.
* * *
After that, it's hell hours for me.
It's like he had been waiting for this chance all this time and now that the flood gates were open, he couldn't afford to waste any buckets of water. From cleaning to organizing to heaps and heaps of orders, Jungkook had been vastly generous. And the worst part was that I had to eat my next meal with him and not even dare think about counting calories. He would purposefully mess up the portions and make it impossible for me to calculate. As if I didn't already have a hard time doing that on the daily...
At one point I was even scolded for counting in my head because apparently, the genius had noticed my eyes moving upwards in circular motions as the food lay down in front of me.
In other words I was utterly fucked. The anxiety of not knowing what I was putting inside my body, of having no perception of numbers or weight scared the shit out of me and if it hadn't been for Jungkook's appreciative glances or encouraging words, I would've said goodbye a long time ago. With him it felt a little less guilty, less of a sacrilege.
"Just don't think about it, " he'd said to me and even though it was one of the most conventional phrases you could think of, coming from him felt different. As if there was an actual purpose behind the words.
"What's next?" I ask in a dead-sounding voice after finishing the rest of the dishes. " A hand-job?"
Jungkook raises his eyebrows in sudden amusement, his expression shamelessly entertained. "As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll settle for a massage for now."
I drag my eyes to his still bare torso and motion for him to lay down on the couch. "Good. 'Cause I wouldn't give you a hand-job even if you threatened to throw me off the balcony."
Jungkook's laugh is muffled by the pillows as he turns his sculpted back to me. "I like how you have no shame."
"Shame is for the weak, " I add.
My fingers work tirelessly on the smooth planes of his skin, pushing and pressing on specific points which I knew would grant him relief. The way he tries to hide satisfied grunts makes me feel light-headed but I bite my tongue and will my creative mind to take it down a notch, focusing on the task at hand. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't had so much physical contact in a long time. Who knew? It was still an enjoyable sight, what with all the tattoos gracing his beautiful bronze skin in long shapes and lines.
"You're really good at this, " Jungkook grunts after a particularly hard press of my hands on the small of his back, even though to me it sounded more like a moan. He folds his arms at his front and leans his head sideways.
"I am?" I question as a smile already pulls at the corners of my lips.
"Yeah, " he agrees.
"Well, to return the compliment, I really like your tattoos."
Jungkook turns around and lays on his back, staring at me under his long eyelashes. He doesn't utter a single word, just keeps looking at me like he would a statue in a museum, his fringe falling between his eyes but leaving enough space for him to see. My hand is left to linger on the velvety skin of his stomach.
"Most people say they look scary, " he says in a low, raspy voice.
"They're not, " I add and trace a curved black line with the tips of my fingers in reassurance.
Jungkook gently grabs the said hand, still not losing eye contact. "Are you scared of me, Jojo?"
"No. I'm not."
A silence falls in the room, its echo almost deafening but this time there's no discomfort, no weird looks, just the consoling presence of each other that hangs in the air like a halo of light. Then–
"Juan, I think I'm starting to catch feelings for you."
He stops himself from smiling, but it's useless. The smug grin had already made it past his lips. "Yeah, me too."
"Hmmm, " I mutter. "How do we make it stop?"
Jungkook slowly rises in a sitting position, that damned expression still visible on his face. "I don't– I don't think it's something you can stop."
" Aw shit man, " I scoff.
"Yeah, you just gotta go with the flow."
I'm positive there's a subtle irritated look on my face, which to Jungkook apparently looked hilarious. This had never happened before and I didn't know what exactly to expect. Was it normal? Was I going to be hurt again? What the fuck was I supposed to do?
"You're overthinking it. There's no need to put a name on your feelings." Jungkook cuts like a knife through my jumbled thoughts. "Besides, I thought we were talking about my tattoos."
"Right, " I confirm. " Is there a meaning behind them?"
"No. They're just for aesthetic purposes." The hooded eyes and dark expression is back on his face. "But–" he takes one of my hands and guides it on the side of his torso, "– this one does." He slides it a little further, on the underside of his forearm, tracing what I recognized as a tiger lily. "This one too. I'll tell you about it someday."
His stance is crouched. Even though he's a good feet taller than me, I somehow look towering over him. This position is suggestive enough in itself but it becomes even more so when Jungkook's knees cage around mine. Our eyes now levelling, I drag the line of my vision upwards, refusing to break the eye contact. And then, my eyes focus onto his lips and specifically the tiny little mole under them. It had caught my eye dozens of times before but for some strange reason, right now it looks like it's inviting me. By impulse, I gently meet his lips with mine and surprisingly he doesn't pull back, peppering me back with pouty kisses that are interrupted only by quick pauses for breath. I take the chance and discreetly lick that very mole with the flat of my tongue, feeling his lips' softness with a quick swiping motion.
It's like his gears are put into action. The sweet, gentle Jungkook is utterly forgotten from the moment he slackens his jaw to deepen the kiss, wrestling his own tongue in full force. But then his hands reach up and slip under my sweater to feel the skin underneath and that's all it takes for me to flinch and push him off.
He immediately stops himself from going further and lowers his hands down by his sides. His hooded eyes turn back to alertness as he tries to comprehend what just happened. I feel bad for a moment.
"J—Jojo?" His eyebrows raise in concern. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, I just—" A deep sigh leaves my lips as I try to keep myself from panicking.
He was about to touch my tummy. My fat, squishy tummy. Just the idea of him touching me there gives me chills.
"I remembered something I have to deal with."
I rip myself off from the couch and drag a hand through my hair in distress, about to turn on my heel and get the hell out of here.
"Wait!" Jungkook yells after me and he grabs my forearm. Not harshly, just strong enough not to let me go. "Did I upset you?"
"No. I–"
Calm down. Deep breaths. One, two. One, two.
"I just have to–" I rush with my words, but Jungkook's hands are made of steel, such a stark contrast with his pleading eyes.
"Stay. I'll take care of you. " He's begging me now. " Please."
I give in–
~ JUNGKOOK ~
–but at what cost? She's been acting distant ever since the panicky incident and I don't know what else to do to get her back the way she was. She barely touches me, barely comes close and I wonder if it's a shame to admit that I miss her kisses too. However, the jokester in her has never left. She'll crack dark jokes from time to time, acting like nothing ever happened and I'll pretend to play along for fear of not making her leave.
It pained me to see her like this, to see her crumbling apart day by day while my hands were frozen in place. A soldier stuck on quicksand. Someone had to tell her this was toxic, that she was poisoning herself and was fully conscious of it.
Weeks and weeks under her presence had trained me to notice all the changes, all the little shifts in her demeanor. Today was no exception. At least not with the incident that had made me do things I'd never imagine doing.
It had all started when a new employee had joined us on the coffee shop, courtesy of my boss, whose relationship with him was rather close. It was one of those cases where you had to make favors for the sake of family relations, et cetera, et cetera. So far, so good. But was one really to imagine that the guy had the audacity to act like he owned the place? I tried to ignore his antics up until the moment he fucked with the wrong girl. My girl.
Despite my disapproving glances, Jojo had been making comments on her weight, constantly seeking Kwan's opinions on the matter.
"But I'm fat!" she had exclaimed, exasperated. In Kwan's eyes, this was just another one of her lame jokes but I knew the sting behind the words.
Then, completely out of line, the new employee had chirped. "You're not fat, you're just thick."
I'd whipped my head in his direction and jumped off the table I'd been sitting, my hands suddenly itching but Jojo had been quick to secretly wave me off. "Well then, you're not stupid, you're just dumb, " she 'd snarked, earning a whole-hearted guffaw from Kwan.
The joke had been let at that, or at least that's what Jojo thought. My fists hadn't stopped til the itching sensation was satisfied.
"You okay, Jo?" I'd asked at lunch break, the new nickname making her lips barely twitch. She was upset. I could tell.
"Yeah, why?" she'd replied, eyes trained on my face. For once, she'd given me that warm, old look that went beyond friendship. I'd tried to cherish it for a few seconds before adding, "That asshole was rude to you."
I'd unconsciously rubbed my knuckles and that hadn't skipped past Jojo's eyes. "Nah, he's just– wait a second! Did you do something to him?"
I'd adverted her eyes and cleared my throat awkwardly. "I kinda beat the shit out of him."
The image of the guy's swollen face and broken nose flashes into my memory.
She'd gasped but there'd been a mix of amazement and incredulousness in the tone of her voice. "That's my job!"
I'd smiled. "No one messes with my Jo."
She'd smiled back but her eyes had still been sad.
Now I ring the bell on her door, impatiently carding my fingers through my hair as it remains shut. Where the fuck is she? She hasn't been answering my calls for a while and I'm worried sick.
I torture the bell button again and slam my palms on the door. "Jojo, are you there? Come on, it's me! Open up!"
What if something had happened to her? What if–
I slam my shoulder repeatedly on it and the lock busts open with a loud clang. Rubbing the sore spot, I quickly scan the room and finally, my eyes find her crouched form on the floor.
There's a pile of junk around her, chocolate wrappers, plastic bags, food splayed apart chaotically and vomit on the floor as well as traces of it on the corners of her mouth. Her eyes are fixed in space, staring at nothing. Dried tears have left moist streaks on her cheeks. She looks lifeless until the moment she takes notice of me and does a double take.
"Jungkook? What– what are you doing here?"
I fall down on my knees next to her, worry written all over my face, but she immediately closes in on herself, her body language radiating fear and protectiveness. "No! Go away, please!"
I don't listen, scooting further till my hands are on her arms, trying to find a way in but she only keeps resisting. "No! Please, don't look at me! Not like this!" Her body shakes with convulsions and quiet sobs rip through her throat.
This was the first time I'd seen her cry.
I grab a towel from the kitchen and dip it in the streaming water. Jojo tries to keep me at bay but I set my mouth on a straight line and force it to her lips. Cleaning her eyes, her face as if I wanted to exfoliate her from any traces of sadness. "Please, " she's begging me now. "Please, go."
I keep my hands on a steady pace, gently rubbing the towel where needed. "Shhh, it's okay. It's just some spilled food. You're okay."
She quiets down at the words and it only goades me further. "Shhhh. You're my baby. My baby, " I lift her up and clean the rest of her, whispering other sweet nothings in her ear until at last the storm passes.
~ JOJO ~
There were two options left when someone made comments on my weight. I either starved myself for two full days or binged on everything I could see like a fucking cow because hey, I'm still gonna be fat, right?
Unfortunately for me , I'd picked the easier way out and emptied the contents of my kitchen in the blink of an eye. It was one of the things I hated the most; stuffing myself till I couldn't breathe. However, what I hated even more was people seeing me in my own misery. Even if that person was none other than the dreamy-eyed boy who had cared for me more than anyone ever had.
I stay silent as Jungkook cleans me thoroughly, making sure to also get rid of the mess on the ground and give me enough privacy to slip out of my nasty clothes and brush my teeth. I just keep staring at him and wonder to myself if I had done any good deeds in this life to deserve him. It pissed me off.
"Do you need another pillow?" Jungkook asks under his dark curly fringe, his back crouched as he stands on the side of my bed.
"No, I'm good, " I rasp, my voice strained from bawling for a good couple of hours. I avert his eyes once more. The guilt and the anger keeps bubbling up on the surface.
Jungkook abandons his chair and sits on the bed, his outer thigh barely touching my forearm. The springs creak and whine under his weight. He takes my hand in his, rubbing comforting circles with the tip of his thumb.
"You okay, baby?"
I lash out in a second, grabbing the collar of his black T-shirt and pulling it inches from my face. "Call me baby one more time and I'll rip your throat out."
To my surprise, he's not even fazed. A dark chuckle falls under his lips as he grins widely for me to see. Then, as if it couldn't get any more intense than this, he lets himself fall backwards on the bed, taking me along with him. My legs escape the cover of the sheets and straddle his waist, trying not to fall over and crush him. In that particular order. What a typical movie-like moment. I'm wearing pajama shorts and the pale skin of my thighs is completely exposed. As if on cue, Jungkook's eyes flick towards them, drinking in the view. Had he ever seen this much of my body?
"Do it, " he says in a low voice.
I slide one of my hands upward and gently wrap it around his throat. "You really want me to choke you, Juan?"
The bastard doesn't even say anything. He raises the hands laying by his sides and traces the outline of my thighs higher and higher till they settle on each side of my hips. Goosebumps chill my skin like flowers after rain. I'm torn between punching him and kissing him senseless.
"Who knows, I might actually like it, " he says. He hasn't even tried to wriggle out of my caging body, going as far as even baring his throat at me.
I smirk. "Are you always this submissive?"
Uh oh. Wrong move.
In a matter of seconds, I'm pushed backwards, the soft texture of the sheets smoothing the land on my back. Just like that, the positions are completely switched. Jungkook's grin never leaves his face as he's on top of me, his curly locks swinging like a crown on his head. He takes both of my curled fists and pins them on each side of my head.
"I was actually letting you in charge but now that I think about it ; I also deserve to have some fun right?" he states with a smug expression.
For a moment, I'm left speechless. My limbs too, have nothing to say. At least not with the way they're frozen in place, too caught on the spot to dare move.
Jungkook takes the chance and nuzzles his nose on the gap between my neck and jawline. On another situation I would have felt ticklish but not right now. A heavy weight on the pit of my stomach is proof enough for that. He starts leaving small pecks on the skin of my throat, making a beeline for the collarbones.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself. We've been playing around for a long time now but things have never gotten so serious. Not at this point. Only recently had I pushed him off and now here I was, the one turned into full submission.
"Do you plan on ruining yourself every time someone upsets you?" he mumbles, smooth lips barely grazing against my skin.
The image of that new guy flashes behind my eyes and my face sours, all those butterflies in my stomach crushed to dust, just like that. "Can we talk about something else?"
Jungkook pauses his administrations and pulls back just an inch, his eyes staring at mine in full concentration. "No."
I huff in frustration. "You're on top of me."
"So?" he raises one eyebrow.
"So, get the hell off!"
My wrists are suddenly pinned harder against the sheets, Jungkook's hands forcing them further down until they form little dips.
"No, " he repeats, almost mechanically.
I'm about to protest again when his tongue swipes at the vulnerable skin of my throat and that's all it takes to throw all caution to the wind. My back arches off the bed without my permission and I think I must've let out a sound because Jungkook is laughing that quiet laugh of his that makes his shoulders shake.
His lips are on mine, silencing whatever literate thought that tries to make it out. My hips are now straddled by his own knees and oh- my wrists are free because he lets them go gently and puts his hands on my cheeks, kissing me even more deeply, threading them through my hair and its suddenly too much, too much for me to handle.
I feel like I'm floating ten thousand feet off the ground and buried under layers and layers of earth at the same time. My breath shudders violently when his lips drag across the side of my face and nudge the sweet spot below my ear.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I whisper but it comes out so broken, so desperate. I'm practically begging at this point and I don't even know why.
Jungkook's hands settle on my clothed waist. His fingertips twitch in hesitation as he bunches the fabric and just like that–
"I'm sorry, "
–and lets go.
I feel relieved and disappointed.
His body peels off my own with reluctance that rips me apart in a million different ways and I feel my skin grow cold from his absence. He leans back on the heels of his hands, staring me down with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, " he repeats and rises from the bed, disappearing into the living room.
* * *
I lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling as if it held the secrets of the universe. My body has not even moved an inch, too shocked, too frozen. My legs feel like lead, two slabs of heavy stone that pin me into place.
If it weren't for Jungkook's presence snapping me out of my empty reverie, I would've probably stood there like a dead body for days. He comes back (from the bathroom, apparently) his wet hair still trickling droplets of water on his shirt, eyebrows shining, and stands on the middle of the room.
"It's midnight, " he says, as if in a trance.
My eyes flick to the window. Pitch black.
Indeed.
"Can I stay here tonight?" he continues, and I can swear the tips of his ears go spicy red. My heart melts into a hot buttery mass. He's blushing like crazy. I can see it! A guy, blushing in front of me. I suddenly can't contain my smile, all things forgotten in a blur.
"Yeah. I would like that, " I breathe.
He locks eyes with me and breaks the contact almost immediately, looking anywhere but in my direction. "I can take the couch–"
"No. Sleep here, " I say and my eyes close of their own accord. "With me, " I slowly add.
"Are you sur–"
My eyes fly open. "We just made out five seconds ago. Why is that such a problem now?" I lift my neck just an inch, to glare at him but there's no real malice in it.
His lips crack into a smile and I'm glad for the tension that dissipates like cigarette smoke. "I sleep without a shirt on, " he confesses.
"Okay."
He slips it off his torso in a swift motion but it's too dark me for me to make out any details expect for his dark silhouette and the wide planes of his shoulders.
"You can take off anything you want. I won't touch you, " I say and roll over on my side of the bed.
"I wouldn't mind it, " I hear him mumble but he complies, the sound of his belt unbuckling echoing against the room.
The bed dips under his weight as he occupies its other side and I feel more than hear the fall and rise of his chest, the labored breathing coming to a steady rhythm.
Two strong hands clasp around my waist and I'm pulled backwards into his chest. I don't push him off. I let him hold me to himself, caged by his body, by the feeling of him; his bare chest, his bare legs, his long hair tickling the back of my neck.
Everything is going to be okay.
I'm okay.
"Jojo?"
"Hm?"
"Do you care about me?"
I smile. " More than I'd like to admit."
He kisses the nape of my neck and pulls me harder against himself. It's not long before sweet, calm sleep sneaks its way into into our bodies.
~ JUNGKOOK ~
It's not the sun the one that wakes me up, despite it having been up for a while, not even the sound of the cars honking in the distance. It's the gentle caress of skin on skin, making goosebumps rise and my eyelids flutter.
I slowly crack one eye open and the smile that blooms on my face is automatic. Jojo's cuddled up on her side right next to me, her head laying between my chest and shoulder, arms splayed out to hug my torso like a teddy bear. But what really does it for me is her left leg thrown across my side. She keeps moving in her sleep and it's doing things to me. I can't breathe.
I suddenly realize that I'm only wearing my boxers. Nothing else.
Oh God.
I lift a shaky hand and try to detach her leg but my fingers linger for too long and she suddenly stirs. Her lips nudge my chest and unconsciously give the latter a tender kiss. Her eyes slowly open. For a moment it looks like she doesn't know where she is but then the realization dawns on her.
"Good morning."
Shit.
Her raspy voice only makes it harder for me to keep myself collected.
"Morning, " I manage.
She sits up and drags a hand through her hair, frustrated. "Why is your nice body the first thing I see? I'm jealous, " she huffs.
I open and close my mouth like a fish, caught on the spot. I'd never thought of my body as particularly nice. "It does its job so yeah, I guess, " I admit aloud.
At that her eyes drag down to a very unholy spot in between my legs. She smirks. " Oh, it does its job, alright. I think you have some problems with morning wood, my boy."
I grab the sheets on the side and swing them over my legs, embarrassment setting my face aflame.
She bursts out laughing. "Relax. It's not like I've never seen a guy with no pants before. Though, I'm kinda disappointed. I was expecting for you to have Lighting Mcqueen patterns on your underwear. " She shakes her head mockingly. "They're so plain."
I uncover my legs once again and this time I don't care. Let her see whatever she wants.
She stops laughing. Gives another glance to the crime scene. Gulps. "Yeah, like I said. Plain."
This whole exchange is so entertaining, I feel my insides flutter with joy. Last night's episode is forgotten in a ditch with no problem. We're back to the old times.
I get up and pace around the room, in search of a glass of water. My throat is parched.
"You know what? Go take a cold shower. All that–" she gestures toward my middle with a wave of her hand, "– is distracting me."
I stop pacing. "You know what? I'll put some pants on if you put some food on your stomach. That's a fair deal."
The color completely drains from her face, replaced by a dark expression that seeps the life out of it. Regret weighs me down.
"I'm never eating again, " she says, while her eyes bore holes into the floor. " Not until I reach my goal weight."
I drag a hand across my face and rub it. Hard. My sanity is on the brink of falling apart. "Then what are you gonna do?" I ask, frustration finally creeping on my voice. "When you get to your goal weight."
She shrugs. "I'm just gonna keep being unhappy, I guess."
It's the way she puts the words out there so easily that draws the line for me. So carelessly, like I mean nothing to her. Like she means nothing to herself.
"This is ridiculous. You know you're harming yourself and you still keep doing it. You know you're not gonna change anything in the end and you still keep doing it. I don't get it."
"Oh yeah?" she spits, her own voice full of poisonous venom. "Why do you keep living if you know you're gonna die one day? Huh, Juan? Why do you do it?"
"This is killing you!"
"I don't care!"
I flinch. It takes me a while to gather myself before I muster the strength to spell out the next few words. "I don't even know why I care about you when you don't even care about yourself."
Her lips curl into a half smile but it doesn't exactly reach her eyes.
"You're right, " she says. "I don't."
Silence.
"Maybe you should go now."
I look up into her face but she's not looking at me, too focused on a spot on the wall. She's telling me to leave. To get the hell out of here. I'm suddenly realizing the absurdity of all this —me shirtless and half nude, boxers stuck to my body like gauze, having a fight with the girl I love with all my heart. I realize the enormity of it. Of how much I love her, of how much I'm hurt by seeing her hurt and I choose to leave.
I pick up my pants from where they lay carelessly on the floor and put them on in excruciating slow movements. I grab the belt and the T-shirt and make my way out of the apartment. Her eyes never leave that spot.
I shut the door behind me and lean my head on its cool ugly surface.
What an ugly mustard -yellow door.
" Jojo, don't do this, " I say, loud enough for her to hear. "Come on, please."
No answer.
The anger falls off me in waves I can't control, swallowing me whole until my eyes see black. I kick the door so hard, my leg grows limp. Another punch and I think I've cracked the wood but I don't care. I don't give a shit. I scream and slam my fists and palms like a madman throwing a tantrum.
"Dammit! Why do you keep doing this?! Stop it, damn you! You're hurting yourself for fuck's sake!"
"You're hurting me, " I add in nothing more than a whisper, my voice already hoarse.
The door never opens.
~ JOJO ~
The door opens easily with just a push of my fingertips. I try to look uninterested but my restless eyeballs betray me in an instant, scanning the coffee shop in all four directions within seconds. I'd spent the whole night spacing out while sitting at the foot of my bed on the floor. I'd never felt so much regret, so much of it that it had felt like I was drowning–
"He's not here." A voice startles me out of my thoughts and I turn around to find Kwan looking at me with something that looks similar to pity.
I blink. "What?"
"Jungkook, " he explains. " He's gone."
My heart falls into the bottom of my feet and I suddenly can't keep the panic from tainting my voice. I grip Kwan's shoulders. "Where?"
"Woah, calm down! I think he's gone to his parents or something. Boss already gave him permission."
My grip loosens. "Oh."
Kwan blanches but soon a look of genuine concern flashes behind his eyes. "What's the matter? Did you two get into a fight?"
"No, " I deny.
I can faintly make out Kwan's rambling but it sounds so, so far away because soon my ears are thundering.
I'm shook awake, courtesy of my man-handler.
He looks truly worried but I just can't seem to care. All I know is that I need to get out, distract myself, do something–
The indecisive old bitch lady steps foot into the shop and I curse her existence and mine altogether. This is so not the time to be arguing over extra menus.
She takes her usual seat with an excessive amount of unnecessary grace and looks at me pointedly, waiting to be tended to.
I smile. "Welcome, Mrs. Park."
* * *
Everything feels empty, blurred around the edges.
Meaningless.
I finally realize how important purpose is and how everything we do is driven by it.
Lately I've been walking in circles, wandering like a fly trapped inside a jar, not knowing where I am or what I'm doing.
I'm just there.
I never eat anymore. I never drink. I savor my body like an untouched temple and hope against hope that I'll get better.
It's okay if I'm not. I can't make the difference anymore, anyway. I've spiraled into the bottomless pit of oblivion and the process is slow. It makes me feel numb.
I stare at the rumpled apron laying on the floor along with the rest of the garbage and Ms. Park comes into mind. She hadn't really appreciated my spilling hot tea right onto her chest. The dumb bitch had gotten me fired but it doesn't really feel like a great loss. I'd only worked there because of him, anyway. Him and only him. I never cared about anyone else. But he's not here. He'll never be here anymore.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and make use of the sudden memory to type down his number. I have it memorized by now. The line beeps.
"Hey."
My heartbeat spikes in excitement. "Hey yourself," I reply hastily but my voice cords haven't been used for days, so it sounds more like a rasp. I clear my throat.
"How's it going?" he asks. Casually. Like he would a friend. I missed hearing his voice.
"Good. You?"
"Same."
I bite my lower lip anxiously. I don't like his answers. I don't like how short and clipped they are. Clipped. Nipped. Chipped. Ripped. Zipped–
"So, the guys have been wondering when you'll be back, " I lie.
I hear him release a subtle sigh. "Oh. I don't really know, honestly. I've been hanging out with my parents and they plan on keeping me here for a while longer."
I nod my head slowly then remind myself he can't see me. "Right. Right, you must've missed them."
I turn my head to the mirror. "Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch! Shut it!"
I spit and throw whatever I can get my hands on it but there's a smile there that I just can't see.
what rhymes with smile?
aisle
bile
rile
guile
worthwhile–
I scream and yell. I rip the sheets of the bed, swipe off the contents of my desk, punch and punch the mirror till my hands are raw and bleeding a waterfall. I kick and thrash with every ounce of strength left in me but there's no use.
She's still smiling at me.
* * *
I'm sitting down on the floor, surrounded by a pool of my own insanity. I can't tell how many days have passed and my cheeks feel surprisingly moist. Have I been crying?
There's no one else around here.
It doesn't matter. I like being alone.
It feels nice to just be with your own thoughts, not having to fear being overheard when you scream ideas and screenplays in your room. You can just be yourself and enjoy doing the things you like the most. But still, sometimes it gets really lonely and not just in the literal sense. I'll always check the dark corners to see if someone's there, I'll always feel like someone's whispering, saying bad things about me, that coat hanged on the rack will always look like a person and then I'll even start getting scared of my own shadow, my head will always shake uncontrollably when I'm crying because there won't be anyone to hold it for me, anyone to assure me that things are gonna be okay.
I don't like being alone. It's not nice.
I glance at the broken mirror, bloody cracks and lines making up the whole of it. There's only one spot in the corner that remains clean and untouched. A smile attached to it.
I realize now. Why she wouldn't go away. The reason why I could never win this war was because the enemy I was fighting against was none other than myself. She was no stranger. She was me. No matter how much we tried, me and my own resemblance would still be standing at the end of the day.
If i was alive, she was alive.
It was like a symbiotic relationship, a Yin to the Yang. We kept each other afloat and neither could exist without the other.
he's happy.
"I know, "
without you
"I know, " I repeat.
is that enough proof for you?
"It is."
then do it
"yes."
I rise from the floor and blindly look for my phone in the midst of all the trash. It's nowhere to be found. I then turn around and grab hold of the old telephone hanging on the wall. It stands out, an ancient relic hard to be found these days. I roll the numbers by memory. The line crackles for a couple of seconds before a familiar voice breathes into it. My chest constricts as I let out a pathetic whimper. "J– Jungkook... I'm sorry."
I don't give him time to answer, slamming the phone down with a loud ring.
it's over it's over it's over it's over i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
Big, fat tears trickle down my cheeks and chin and I do nothing to stop them. I whimper and whine as I head for the bathroom, reaching up with my toes to get the pills I'd hidden all these weeks. They're still here.
Waiting for me.
~ JUNGKOOK ~
I'm running as hard as my legs can take me but it's not really me doing it. It's my impulses being triggered with full force, struggling for survival. I'm completely detached from my body, my mind going through only one simple rule : I have to make it on time.
I don't even notice the heavy torrents of rain blurring my vision, making my feet trudge with difficulty. I don't even notice the people I push harshly out of my way or the red stoplights blinking past me. My eyes are focused inwardly like a camera, set on breaking through the sea of umbrellas.
please please please please
I repeat the word like a mantra in my head, praying against whatever odds that she will be okay when I get there, that she won't do what I think she intends to do.
please please please just not that anything but that please make her be alright
If only I could've hurried earlier, she wouldn't have had the chance to say those things. To say my name.
It was the first time she'd said my name. My actual name. Those few seconds hearing the syllables tumbling from her lips had been pure bliss to my ears, only to be ripped apart with the realization that she was pleading.
She doesn't answer the phone.
I curse myself to hell and back. I should've told her I was coming today. I should've told her I was only two blocks away from her apartment and that all this time far from her had been nothing but torture. There hadn't been a moment when I didn't feel her absence or when I didn't wonder what she was doing. I should've told her I regretted every single word I'd sa-
Something slams against my arm. I fall onto the rough asphalt but I'm on my feet in seconds. The man I'd run into stares at me in anger but I can't deal with his shit right now, so I push him blindly, my feet already finding their footing. "Out of my fucking way!" I yell at him without looking.
I run and run and run until I can't feel my calves and my jacket is soaked through.
Drip
Drip
Drip
please don't die
drip
Her apartment building zooms into view. I punch buttons and take the stairs by four.
please
stay alive
please
Mustard yellow door.
I don't wait to check if it's open, kicking the lock open immediately.
Things happen in a blur, straight out of a dream. I kneel to the ground, forcing her mouth open. Her tear-stained face spits the pills reluctantly and then she tries to push me off as hard as she can. I knew she'd do this. I just knew it. I had seen the pills standing on the drawer for days, weeks. I knew how she gave those bruises to her body, how she tortured herself by her own will.
"NO! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" I hold her hands down and bend them behind her back but she keeps screaming and it's like all hell has broken loose. "FUCK OUT OF HERE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!"
I squeeze her hands tighter and I can suddenly hear myself crying, fully sobbing my heart out and then she's crying too and we're both sitting on the floor like two poor beggars with our limbs awkwardly splayed out.
"That's my decision, Jungkook. You can't take that away from me, " her muffled whimpers are heard as I lean her head on the crook of my neck.
I release her hands, which soon find their way around my neck, hugging my body till we fit perfectly together.
"Jojo."
I pull back just a few inches, capture her face with my palms and kiss her like there's no tomorrow.
~ JOJO ~
Do you know that feeling of finally getting home after a long trip, of how your body relaxes upon finding its lost familiarity? That's exactly what courses through my body right now, except that it's multiplied tenfold, to the point of numbness. I'd missed sensing his body beside mine. I'd missed his dark locks tickling my neck, his soft lips, but more than everything, I'd missed having him here. With me.
It's hard to believe the number of things that have happened today. It feels like I'm watching the scene unfold in front of me like a spectator and wonder if it's just a figment of my imagination. And the way he is kissing me..... It feels brand new. Desperate in more ways than one. He morphs our lips together as if they are made of clay and his hands start feeling around my body, begging for some purchase.
I don't realize the fact that I have started crying. Silent tears tumble down my cheeks, wetting his own face with their saltiness. I can't control them. I can't stop them. And Jungkook understands that. He pulls roughly at my bottom lip and suddenly lets go, creating a gap between our bodies. I can't help but feel that I must look like a little child in his eyes right now; grubby, disheveled, teary-eyed...
And then he's looking at me dead in the eye, beyond my appearance, beyond my outer core, cutting through weeds and vines growing inside my soul. "I know none of the things I say will ever convince you. So, I won't be using any words."
He slips my left sleeve from my shoulder, exposing the skin underneath. His head lowers down to it and gives it a feather-light kiss.
I stare at him in confusion but he chooses to keep silent. His eyes never leave my face, even when he starts repeating the action with my other sleeve, rolling my whole shirt up and off my body. He discards each piece with surprising gentleness and that's what makes my tears fall even more violently.
He's so kind.
So good to me.
And he's taking off my pants.
I instinctively tense and Jungkook makes an obvious pause, letting me make my choice. The rigidity dwindles away and a flash of relief passes behind his eyes. I close my eyes and then he moves on with his graceful touches. I'm lain down into the bed, my hair fanned out behind me like a halo, and he slowly crawls on top, observing his work of art with a look of genuine satisfaction. His clothes are gone before I can blink and he slowly dives in for the sensitive part of my neck, breathing it in.
"Beautiful," he mumbles against my throat. My body convulses with whimpers. He nuzzles his way up until his lips are meshed against mine. "Touch me, " he whispers.
My breath hitches but I raise my hands that had so far lain on my sides and put them on each side of his face. "Jungkook."
He smiles and my heart bursts into a million fireflies. "I like it when you say my name."
"Jungkook," I repeat.
He drags those sinful lips down through valleys and crevices, leaving soft kisses in their wake, tracing every inch of my skin, tracing every bruise, every wound, every trace of self-harm. I am nothing more than a hot pool of lava. I do not own a body anymore. Or rather, I feel each sensation being magnified into infinity and I can no longer tell where my body starts nor where it ends. I feel too much. I feel everything. And I am not ashamed of this mundane mass of flesh and bones and blood.
I kiss back.
That's all it takes for him to finally let himself go freely. No obstacles. No barriers. I am free of the voices in my head, free of my fears and judgment. It's like we want to devour each other, drain every single drop until it is the only thing our tongues can taste. I don't really care about anything else right now. I wanna forget about it all and just focus on the soft texture of his lips ghosting the skin on my neck and then going stronger and wilder and swallowing it up till I can feel the delicious sting of pain. We fight. We love. We pour our hearts out like a warm waterfall. And as our bodies tangle restlessly with each other, sticky with sweat, I go through an indescribable ecstasy. Something I've never experienced before.
Acceptance.
_____________________
EPILOGUE
I'd never imagine the storm would go on all night but it somehow did. As I lay in my bed, feet tangled up with someone else's, I hear the distant rumble of faraway clouds first thing in the morning. If it weren't for my daily habit of waking up early, I wouldn't have even bothered cracking my eyes open. The sun remains hidden in some corner as the dark gray sky salutes me instead.
I like it. This mood. It's cozy and warm and safe .
I turn my head on the side and almost melt. He's sleeping like a baby. Eyelids relaxed, lips slightly open, an angelic expression on his face. Pretty.
"That's bold, coming from you, " his lips spell.
I lightly gasp as I realize I've said the word out loud. "I thought you were asleep." As if by instinct, my hand slides up into his face, gently caressing it.
Jungkook grabs my whole arm and pulls me towards him, giving the edge of my jaw a kiss. "I was kinda faking it."
I kick his butt with the sole of my foot. "You prick! Stop playing!"
The whole bed shakes from his laughter as he massages his poor backside. "Did you sleep well?" he asks.
I smile. "Mhmm."
Jungkook mirrors my expression, but it somehow looks more devilish on him. "I'm sure you did."
"Shut up, Jungkook."
He smiles again, genuinely this time and turns, facing the ceiling with his eyes closed. "I really like it when you say my name."
"Jungkook," I whisper. A pause. "Jeon Jungkook."
His eyes open. "Yes?"
"You know, the night before I met you, I was about to kill myself."
His body goes rigid, but I continue. " I don't know why I didn't do it. Then, the next day I met you and it was like it just slipped my mind. The thought was no longer there. So I came at that coffee shop every day, hoping I could see you. You weren't some kind of prince charming or anything. It's not like I looked at you and knew we were meant for each other or that kind of bullshit. I just liked looking at you. One glimpse was enough. It made me feel better somehow. It felt.... nice. But the moment we stopped looking at each other it all came flooding back. That longing to die. I turned back to my starting point."
Jungkook's arms envelop me and I feel my bones shatter. "I'm sorry," I whisper, barely a breath.
He caresses my bare shoulder. "There's nothing to be sorry about. It's okay now. I'm here. It's over."
I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. "Don't leave."
"I won't."
We stay like that for a while, holding each other in our arms and relishing the sweet silence of early morning. Until-
"Hey Jungkook, you know how you're hot and cute at the same time?"
"Don't do it, Jojo. I'm telling you, don't-"
"Hute."
My obnoxious laughter annoys the hell out of him, but he eventually joins me. I smile to myself.
The old back me is me but more different than ever. I want to go through a deep cleansing. I want to throw away all the trash that has been accumulating in my house and my very soul.
A new person.
A new life.
A new me.
I can't promise I' ll make it in the end but I can promise I'll try.
"You know, " Jungkook says, "you turned out to be much more different than I thought you'd be."
I turn his face to him. "Did I meet your expectations?"
summary: you already know how this is going to end. that’s not going to stop you from doing it anyway.
pairing: namjoon x reader
word count: 208
rating: 18+
genre: smut with feelings| idol!namjoon
warnings: slow burn, angst, pining (a lot of pining OKAY), sweet to start, smutty to finish
Chapter 01 | 02 | 03
******************************
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible
Even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream
-- "House of Cards"
BTS
***************************
i need to see you [ 4:07 AM ]
please [ 4:07 AM ]
The buzz of text notifications rouses you from a deep sleep. You stare so long and so hard at the messages that the words blur in and out of focus.
God, where is he right now?
Thailand? No.
The Philippines? You honestly can’t remember.
It takes a minute for the fog of sleep to lift and now you’re alert. Wide awake and heart pounding at this unexpected exchange. You send back the first question that pops into your mind.
you: how? [ 4:09 AM ]
i’m going to figure it out. just say you’ll meet me [ 4:11 AM ]
You chew the corner of one fingernail nervously. It’s been weeks since you’ve spoken and you hadn’t expected to ever hear from him again. You are torn between curiosity about what he wants to say and fear of actually hearing it. Still, you’d be an idiot not to agree to see him.
you: i will [ 4:12 AM ]
It takes a moment for his response to come back. You realize you’ve been holding your breath when the phone finally buzzes again.
Here's my version of Jimin as a boyfriend. Let me how what you think of it :))
Click here to read:
Suga as a boyfriend
Jungkook as a boyfriend
1. Cliché starts
This lil fluff ball... He's the definition of a picture perfect cliche and you wouldn't have it any other way. Because people often forget how amazing being a part of one is. Him asking you out won't take you by surprise because he'd have spent the last month in strategic meetings with yoongi, Jin and Joonie. He'll keep mentioning how he needs to '' have a meeting with his hyung cause of the new album'' and jungkook and taehyung would just howl and laugh their heads off as he gave his excuses to you. Youre patiently waiting for him to muster up courage to ask you out. And boy does this one go all out... Its a candle lit dinner with brilliant food and the mochi looks flipping delectable. And when hes just about to start his monologue he just looks at you and stills because... Holy moly aren't you perfect. You're all dressed up and pretty for this date... All beautiful just for him and hes all emotional because no one's ever dressed up just for him? He's forgotten his speech completely and he's smitten all over again. But then he hears jungkook and tae laugh in the background and springs into action... Blurting out his proposal entirely.. 11/10 thinks youre gonna say no... But you just peck his cheek and whisper a yes. He melts right there... Tae and jungkook are shook while the hyung like says '' finally'' and walks off to nap... Smiles on their faces.
2. Cuteness
What. A. Bean. Asdfghjkl idek.
The first 10 dates... He's got written itineraries and a list of places he wants to take you. You think ''how does he have time for all of this'' but what you don't know is that he's staying up till 3 am googling '' perfect ideas for dates'' and making notes in his little black book as he goes. Its gotta be perfect. By the 10th date - and mind you these dates are spectacular, flipping first class dates full of photos and food and funny moments- you realise he's exhausted. It takes an effort to make things so perfect and he's so tired but happy because you're so happy. And just as he texts you to ask you out on your 11th date... You beat him to it and ask him to come over because you've planned something for him. Lil bug comes over the next day and sees a pillow Fort, loads of snacks, you in his large hoodie patting the space next to you so that he can relax and chill and just calm down. A few movies later and you see him almost dropping onto your shoulder and you can't help but kiss his forehead and bring him into your lap. He's so tired he didn't even stir you just rake your hands through his head because it's so damn soft. I see you two talking about him being so tried when he wakes up.. And he admits to planning such extravagant dates because he wants to be the best boyfriend ever.. You smile and tell him you'd love him regardless of what the dates were... Even if they werent that well planned because you don't love the dates.. You love that he's with you. He's all emotional but understands completely and makes sure to find time for sleep dates and walking dates and fun dates too.
3. Calm and cool
He actually strikes me as someone who has a lot of patience? Like he gets mad and everything but he's letting it go in his mind more than you think? I think he's actually quite unsure of himself at times and realises early on that you are too... He's smart like that... He doesn't just keep telling you you're beautiful (at the beginning of the relationship he does because he feels beautiful when he's with you but after the honeymoon period) he says it to you when you feel really ugly. He pulls out his own scars and battle wounds to show you when you think you look stupid and he'll remind you that it's okay to look bad once in a while... That tomorrow you'll be back to looking beautiful. He knows what it feels like to be under pressure... Knows what it's like to push yourself until you're about to cry. He doesn't take you away from your work when he feels like you're about to snap... He just hugs you. Right there.. On the floor.. With all your stuff pooling around you.. And you might scream and shout in his ear demanding him to let you go but he won't. He's your anchor. You'll sob into his shoulders cause of the stress and he'll just keep mumbling pretty things into your ears... Letting you know that he's got you and that you're safe and that you can always get back to your work after his power hugs. He'll sit by your side until you finish up... He's your anpanman and he's there to stay.
4. Arguments
He gets riled up, frustrated and angry when things don't go his way. Sometimes he cools like ice when you waltz into his studio, pull him into a hug and feed him food... Other times he's screaming at you to leave. But you see it in his eyes that he's regretting everything... The screams and the shouts mean nothing and he's begging you not to take it to heart... But he's got to vent. So you just walk up to him.. Kiss his cheek and leave. He comes home late at night.. Sorry as hell... But you welcome him with open arms... And he lays there pouring his heart out and apologising. Everything is okay and you sleep in each others arms. But then aside from this I feel that sometimes he really does get mad and you can't read his eyes well... Those days are the worst because you don't know whether to walk away or whether to kiss it better? You choose the first option, give him space to sort stuff out. He's back to you in no time and you're reconciliating and making up for lost time.
5. Moves and countermoves
He loves that you're a little tease. Loves that you love to dance around in his clothes only so he can push you to the nearest wall and rip them off. But he also loves it when it's nice and slow...candles and their dim light make him fall in love with how you look even more. Loves it when you wake him up with kisses and is totally the type to cuddle at night and be back at it in the morning. He says he hates it when you casually spank him.. But you know he loves it. Its like a game between the two of you and it's funny as hell. I see shyness at first but then later on I see him completely baring himself to you... And being Proud of the fact that he did. You don't ever call him cute in bed... Simply cause he's not... He's a hot bug just for you.
All in all... 300% boyfriend material... Sits you between his legs and you're both reading your books... And you show him something from yours that's well written and he does the same... He's got his arms around you and he's playing with that string couple bracelet the two of you bought on some date. Youre threading through the one on yours. You've got games on the console for later and loads of food in the fridge... He's picking you up in his arms when you're too tired to walk and hes a living snuggler. Can't sleep away from you which is why fights don't last long. Kisses to the back of your head... Running his hands through your hair.
Forehead pecks. Loves it when you need him for something.
Please protect him like he does you. Boy needs to feel loved and appreciated and will definitely give you double the amount in return.
Namjoon writes songs for an indie garage band of other music majors and falls a little in love with the lead singer who always has a lollipop in his mouth.
Namkook. 15k. Rated E. No archive warnings apply.
Garage band and college au where they’re all music majors.
How much love can you give someone before they die from it?
Author's Note: This is the most challenging piece that I've ever worked on. I have never written a suspenseful story before and I didn't realize how much planning and thought it goes into creating one (my brain hurts). I know I haven't been uploading a lot, but I'll try to upload as much as I can for the remainder of my Spring Break. Enjoy my lovelies! :) Please don’t be afraid to comment so I know how to improve my writing!
//
It first started out with a few texts.
‘Where are you?’
‘Why aren’t you replying to me? :(‘
Those were the types of messages you would receive from Namjoon and you initially brushed them off as concern. Even though many girls wouldn’t like a clingy guy, you actually liked his need for your attention. It made you feel wanted and it was a good ego boost.
When you didn’t reply within two minutes, he would send a series of messages asking what you were doing, where you were, and who you were with. If you ignored him when you were with your friends, he would simply call you, much to their annoyance.
It was endearing how Namjoon was so worried about you until his intentions became questionable.
The texts turned ominous and your skin crawled whenever you hear your phone ding or feel your phone vibrate.
You felt suffocated and the worst part of it was, you guys weren’t even dating.
You’ve tried everything to stop Namjoon from contacting you. From blocking him to changing your phone number, neither one worked. He always managed to find out your new one.
‘Answer me before you’ll regret it.’
‘You don’t want to make me angry.’
One evening, you laid on your bed with another new phone on the night stand. You attempted to not pay any attention to the constant blinking light that radiated off of it.
Sleep didn’t come easily anymore, not when you have someone terrorizing you.
Every time you walked out of your apartment’s door, you wondered if you would be able to come home that night. However, there were times when you didn’t even want to come home because you were afraid that you would find Namjoon sitting on your couch in the middle of the living room.
Fortunately, it hasn’t escalated to the point where he starts showing up to your workplace or apartment … yet.
You rested one of your palms across your eyes in attempt to relieve the tiredness to no avail.
It was difficult for you to breathe lately. Every text and call made you short of breath and you would feel your eyes well up with unshed tears. However, you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of having such an emotional control over you. No, you refused to. You’ve been holding it together for this long and you couldn’t just give up now.
You let out a shaky breath and placed the other hand on your chest to steady your heart. You felt like it could lurch out of your throat at any moment.
You were afraid for your life.
You could sense something terrible was going to happen and you had no idea how to stop it.
All of a sudden, the bright flickering light from your phone stopped.
You lifted your hand from your eyes and glanced towards the device. You were expecting another notification from him, but all you received was a dark screen that didn’t light up for the rest of the night or the day after.
In fact, you didn’t hear anything from him for the rest of the week.
Maybe he finally understood the message and gave up. Maybe you can stop double checking your locks before you go to bed. Maybe you don’t have to ask one of your friends to accompany you everywhere anymore. Maybe you can finally get a goodnight’s sleep without a kitchen knife under your pillow.
Maybe, just maybe, he will leave you alone from now on.
If only you knew how terribly wrong you were.
//
Someone was watching you.
You can feel it from your bones all the way to your veins.
You were being hunted like a damn animal. It’s like a sniper is trained on you and is following your every movement.
You wish he would just pull the trigger already to put you out of your misery. It's a game to him and you don't want to play at all.
He didn’t have to show up for you to know that he’s there.
At work, a few customers would approach you with something in their hand and informed you that, "A gentleman told me to make sure you get this." The items or "gifts" as he would call it were nothing but a reminder that you will never be rid of him and just the mere thought of that makes you break out in cold sweat. You would choose the pestering texts and calls over these trinkets any day. At least with those, you felt safer because he didn't feel real through the screen. In a way, it made you feel like it was possible for it to just be a horrible nightmare and that you were going to wake up soon.
What made it worse was that your coworkers were actually jealous of you for having such a devoted "admirer."
The rational part of you was screaming at you to pack up your belongings and move cities or even countries, but your shoulders immediately slumped at the idea because you wouldn’t put it past him to track you down and find you. You hoped that by being passive in the situation, it would help ease the tension. However, it seemed to just encourage him even more.
The bell to the flower shop interrupted your train of thought as an elderly lady came in and you hurriedly greeted her.
"Welcome to Caste Flowers, how may I help you?" You forced a smile on your face to mask your troubling thoughts.
The woman gave you an endearing smile before lightly shaking her head.
"Oh no, I'm not here to buy anything. I'm here for you darling."
Your eyebrows scrunch up in confusion before raising a finger to hesitantly point at yourself.
“….Me…?”
She let out a laugh that spread warmth throughout your body. It reminded you of the sensation of putting on clothes that were just fresh out of the laundry.
The woman eagerly nodded before rummaging around her green tote bag which was decorated with pink carnations. You patiently waited for her to find what she’s looking for as your head tilted to the side in curiosity.
She pulled out a small box which was perfectly wrapped with a golden ribbon on top.
You felt your heart drop to the floor.
“A nice young man stopped me when I was walking and asked me to hand this to you as a favor. He’s very handsome and well mannered! Is he your boyfriend?”
A nervous laugh escaped from your mouth and you hope the woman didn’t sense your uncomfortable state.
“Oh no, he’s not my boyfriend,” you weakly muttered without any further explanation.
You took the gift from her hand and placed it in front of you on the counter. You started to stare the box down, like something was going to jump out at you at any given moment.
“Well, he seems to have quite a crush on you,” you couldn’t help but mentally scoff at the comment. A crush? It was more of an obsession instead.
The lady continued, “You’re very lucky to have such a charming admirer. He has very nice dimples.” There’s that word again. Lucky.
What do these people know? All they can see is the exterior and how a man is romantically expressing his love for the woman he likes. Yet, they are oblivious to the toxicity and distress that the person is suffering with the unwelcome affection. They wish they could be in the girl’s position, but they fail to realize that they may end up dead if they were.
You finally tore your eyes away from the box and met the woman’s eyes. She reminded you of your mother before she passed away. The motherly gaze that she gave you was almost enough for you to spill out the truth. All you wanted to do was collapse into her arms and relieve yourself of the stress and paranoia that you’ve been going through. Yet, you didn’t have the heart to bring her into this mess and so you held your head high, thanked her for the gift, and bid her a goodbye when in reality you just wanted her to come back.
You returned your gaze to the gift that’s been mocking you since the moment you sat it down.
With trembling hands, you graze the edges of the lid before gathering the courage to take the top off.
You expected another bottle of perfume, some jewelry, or even chocolates, but instead, in the middle of the box was a picture. To be more specific, it was a picture of you from today. It must be because your hair was styled in the same high pony tail with curls framing your face while you were helping one of the customers pick out a bouquet for his 10th anniversary.
What unnerved you was how close the picture seems to be taken. It looked like it was captured just outside the shop from one of the windows. You feel your legs begin to shake and you quickly gripped the counter to steady yourself. Your trembling eyes quickly dart around the store and outside at the people and the buildings nearby.
He’s near.
He was just right outside, and you were oblivious to it. You bit your lip to prevent yourself from crying out in despair.
"Hey," You were shaken from your thoughts by one of your coworkers, Jimin, who's been gazing at you with concern from the corner of the store, “you look like you’ve just seen a ghost. Is everything alright?”
You quickly covered up the picture and placed the box under your arms. You were sick of saying that you’re fine when you weren’t.
With a deep sigh that couldn’t even remotely reveal the troubles that you’re having, you softly said, “No, I don’t feel very well.” This made Jimin come closer and place a hand over your forehead.
“I can tell. You look like you haven’t eaten in days and you’re paler than a person should be.” The store’s bell rang, signaling to the both of you guys that a customer arrived, but you guys paid them no attention.
You grasped Jimin’s hand and moved it away from your forehead before pinching the bridge of your nose. “Is it okay if I go home early today? I feel like I’m going to throw up at any moment.” Not like it would be from any sort of real sickness, but the picture ruined any sanity that you worked so hard to have in order to power through the day.
“Of course, we can manage without you! You go home and get some rest. I’ll come over to bring you some chicken soup tonight,” Jimin warmly smiled at you and you felt comforted with his crinkled eyes and rosy cheeks. You hold out one of your hands for a fist bump which he gladly met before making your way to the back room to gather your belongings.
On the other hand, Jimin made his way around the counter to assist the remaining customers. He was finishing one of his transactions when he noticed a shadow looming over him. He looked up before happily asking if the person found everything to be okay.
“Yes, you guys have very beautiful flowers here, especially the carnations.” The customer handed over a single yellow carnation to Jimin and Jimin couldn’t help but be a little confused.
“Only one? Most men usually go for a whole bouquet,” He inquired.
The man lets out a soft chuckle, “She's not like the others. She’s not the type to place emphasis on the quantity. One would get the message across.”
Jimin's eyes almost fell out of his sockets.
"She's special then because I need to get myself a girl like that," there was a slight pause, "I wonder, where did you find her?"
"By chance." There was a dreamy tone to his voice, like the person was deeply infatuated with his girl.
Jimin tied the finishing bow onto the flower's stem before handing it over to the customer. "Would you like a card?
The customer shakes his head no before making his way to the door. However, he suddenly stopped in his tracks and returned back to the counter.
"Actually, I would love one."
Just when the customer left, you came out from the back room, all bundled up to protect yourself from the chilly weather outside. You finished putting on your scarf and you pulled your long ponytail from under the wrap. The gift that Namjoon gave you was safely tucked in your bag even though you were planning to throw it away once you get home. It's just you couldn't risk any of your coworkers finding the picture. That would raise questions that you would have no idea on how to answer.
You start leaving the store and from behind, Jimin waved at you and hoped for your speedy recovery. However, the second the bell signaled your departure and the door closed, the corners of Jimin's mouth returned to its neutral state and he glanced around the empty shop. Jimin grabbed the dusty and old broom from the corner and started sweeping, not that it needed any cleaning. You've always made sure to keep the shop tidy and pristine.
While he was doing so, his mouth curved into an 'o' and a tune escaped. The echoes of the whistling sent vibrations through the walls. In a way, it sounded sinister when in such silence. The melody started off as upbeat and midway, took on a more menacing tone and yet towards the end, it sounded…. remorseful.
It was a song of farewell.
//
One step after another, the other one followed.
He made sure to match his steps to yours despite that he was at least four meters from you.
He blended in with the shadows, watching from a distance with his breath hitched in his throat. The autumn’s crispy breeze swept through your ponytail, making your baby hairs and a few strands to be free from the knot. The way your hair so cheerfully swings from side to side could have fooled anyone that you were in a good mood if they didn’t pay attention to your heavy steps.
He noticed though. He noticed every single intricate nook and cranny of your body language from the way you furrow your eyebrows when you concentrate to the way your lips pursed when you’re frustrated.
It seemed like you were not happy and he was the reason why, but the guy was delusional. His judgement has been clouded and there was no turning back. He couldn’t distinguish from love and obsession anymore and at this point, he really doesn’t care.
He wanted you and he was going to get you.
//
A knock forced you to throw the blankets from your body and you trudged to your small apartment’s door. It was only nine in the evening, but you have been in bed since the moment you arrived home. Without looking through the peep hole, you unlatched the many locks that you had installed to your door and opened it. You expected Jimin to be on the other side, yet he wasn’t.
In fact, no one was there.
You glanced to the left and right of the empty hall way before realizing there was something at your feet. When you took a closer look, it was a single yellow carnation.
Terror suddenly had you in a vice-like grip. Your stomach felt like it was full of lead and your vision suddenly blurred. Your heart was beating so erratically to the point that it was kind of painful. Your throat felt like you just swallowed sandpaper.
You wanted nothing more than to rewind time and tell yourself to stay in that Friday afternoon, to not head to that library. Maybe then you wouldn’t have met Namjoon and you wouldn’t be in this situation.
You fought through the fear and reached down to grab the flower and you noticed a card was attached.
It was a simple phrase. Your grip went slack, and the flower and card fluttered to the ground as you quickly went inside your apartment and hurriedly bolted the door. Your body collapsed to the ground and you curled into a feeble position as you try to muffle the cries of despair and helplessness.
On the other side of the door, the note remained on the floor with the mocking words.
Peek a-boo.
//
You couldn’t see anything.
The second you inhaled the chloroform was the moment that you blacked out. Even though you were finally conscious, all you could see was darkness. You let out a groan and tried stretching your arms only to find that you were bound. You yanked against your restraints a few more times to be certain that this was real.
“Careful or else you’ll hurt yourself,” a voice sounds from your left.
The sound of a pencil scratching against paper reaches your ears as you try to focus on the source.
You let out a whimper as you try to shrink back into the bed.
Your lips quivered as you croaked out, “W-where am I?”
You were met with silence except for the rustling of the paper which indicated the person turning to a new page.
Feeling a bit bolder, you cleared your throat to get rid of the lump and tried to make your voice seem stronger.
“I asked you a question, Namjoon,” your voice cracked towards the end of your sentence.
Damn.
The scratching noise suddenly stopped and the hair on the back of your neck sticks up when you feel eyes boring into the side of your face. Suddenly, you feel them traveling down your body and you attempt to contain the red flush of your cheeks.
“I don’t think you’re in a position to make any demands,” Namjoon’s lips were brushing against your ear. You flinched away from him in shock.
He lets out a soft chuckle before you hear his footsteps getting away from the bed. The floorboards creaked with every movement he made.
“W-wait.”
Another silence. You took this as your cue to continue.
“Can you take the blindfold o-off?”
Namjoon lets out a thoughtful hum before shaking his head. However, he remembered you couldn’t see and that made him giggle. You feel your eyes furrow in confusion.
“Not until you behave kitten.”
The nickname ignited a fire inside you and you thrashed uncontrollably on the bed. The steel chains around your wrists dig mercilessly into your skin as a result. You were positive that the liquid slithering down your arm was your blood but you didn’t care at this point.
“You fucking BASTARD,” you screamed out, “You’re such a sick person! I can’t believe that you think this is love! Let me fucking go!”
Suddenly, you were pinned down by Namjoon’s body and the heat from his body did nothing to calm you down. In fact, you started to move your hips upwards to try to get him off of you, but when he lets out a throaty moan you immediately stopped.
“I would enjoy you grinding against me if it wasn’t for you screaming bloody murder.” Namjoon’s breath fanned across your face and you feel his fingers wipe away the wetness from your eyes.
“Don’t worry though, you’ll be screaming my name soon,” you can hear the smirk in his tone and all you want to do is punch him to death.
Without another word, he got off of you and made his way to the door. He slammed it shut and you listen intently to the sound of numerous locks being snapped into place.
You lay there helplessly as you continue to sob like a child. There was no way you could escape.
//
You have no clue how many days have passed.
Namjoon has been accommodating more than the average kidnapper. After all, he claims to be in love with you.
He’s been making sure you were eating, but it was no easy task in the beginning. The next day after he first brought you to the place, he attempted to spoon feed you some chicken noodle soup. However, your pride made you refuse and your mouth was kept firmly shut. Namjoon eventually got frustrated and poured the whole thing down your throat and cupped a hand over your mouth until you swallowed.
You, being you, couldn’t let him have the last say and you made sure to save some of the boiling soup in your mouth. When he took his hand off, you wasted no time in spitting it in his face.
He roughly snatched your chin and yanked you up towards him. You were smug about being able to get him riled up and you were hoping he would hit you. Sensing that this is what you wanted, Namjoon let out a deep sigh before throwing you back into the bed.
He didn’t bring you any food the following day. He was going to wait until you break and you weren’t going to go down without a fight.
//
It was two days before you heard the door open again.
The clattering of bowls and dishes on the tray as he walked towards you made you realize why he was there.
You took in a deep breath and quickly regretted it as your stomach growl from hunger.
Namjoon choked back laughter and you feel the bed dip underneath his weight. "If you don't eat then you'll die," his tone is laced with amusement and you rolled your eyes behind the blindfold.
"That's kind of the point." You scooted as far away as you can from him, which wasn't very far considering you were still chained. Namjoon frowned at your state. You looked pathetic and not the fiery woman that he was infatuated with.
He reached across the bed towards your face and you feel the heat from his hand. Before you can jerk away, he shushed you. You feel a tug on your blindfold and you quickly shut your eyes to the unexpected light. After blinking several times, your vision suddenly begins to clear up. The blurry objects start taking shape and the first thing that you noticed was Namjoon who was a few inches away from you. His black hair was messy with a few strands falling in front of his eyes and his golden skin seemed to shine greater under the lowlights of the room. He flashed his dimples at you before moving away.
He stirred the chicken noodle soup while blowing on it to cool it down. You sat shell shocked from his actions and you softly whispered, "Why?"
Namjoon quirked up one of his eyebrows in confusion. He didn't understand why you would even ask that question. "What do you mean 'why'?"
"Why would you take off the blindfold?" He held out the spoon which contains the soup to you. You cautiously glance at it before Namjoon gave you an encouraging nod. You hesitantly open your mouth and you held back a moan from the warm liquid as it went down your throat.
Namjoon smiled at you as he went ahead and grab another spoonful. "I was sick of looking at you."
"I mean, you can, you know, let me go?" He quickly shook his head at your suggestion.
"I was referring to you looking like a beat up puppy." You choked on the soup and he quickly dodged as you sat there coughing uncontrollably. He lightly pats on your back in an attempt to soothe your fits. "You were starting to lose your fire and I didn't want to be responsible for that. I want you to continue to fight me, to try to escape instead of accepting your fate. That's what caught my attention about you in the first place. You scolded me for being too loud in the library when you were trying to study for your chemistry test. How did that go by the way?"
"Fantastic," you sarcastically drawled out. If making a 54 is considered fantastic by anyone's standards, then you did very well.
Feeding you the last spoon of food, Namjoon gently wiped your mouth with a napkin. He quickly cleaned up and picked up the tray.
"Don't give up."
The only sounds you were greeted with were the sounds of locks going back into their place.
//
You would never admit it to anyone, especially to Namjoon, that it wasn't so bad being a captive. Namjoon treated you with a gentle hand that you didn't know that he was capable of. After a few days of eating chicken noodle soup, you were starting to get tired of it.
"Do you not know how to make anything else? I think my tongue is about to fall off if I keep eating the same thing three times a day." However, you opened your mouth for the next spoonful and you swallowed with great difficulty.
"This is the only thing I know how to cook. I'm afraid of burning the place down if I try anything else."
"Well, we wouldn't want that considering I can't really escape if a fire breaks out," You held up your chained wrists to his face in order to prove a point.
Namjoon gazed at the dry blood on your wrists and left the room before returning with a first aid kit. He started to alternate between cleaning up your wounds and feeding you and you looked at him with slight admiration.
"That's not true," Namjoon suddenly whispered. He sounded vulnerable, like he was... scared.
You let out a hum in question. "I would come back and save you." You were so surprised at his confession that when he left, you didn't realize that he unlocked your chains and that you were able to freely move now.
When you woke up the next morning to a pile of clean clothes on your bed with a note, 'You're stinking up my place," you couldn't help but let out a soft laugh. However, Namjoon heard it from next door and he tried not to spasm in joy.
You walked out of the bathroom with only a towel covering your body. You realized that you had to walk across the hallway to get back to your room, which Namjoon got rid of the chains from the bed post. You quickly made your way back in hopes of not running into Namjoon. You thought you were safe from his prying eyes until you heard the moans and grunts from next door.
However, he never mentioned the incident when he came to your room later on that night to feed you. This time, it was fried chicken and waffle fries instead.
You were starting to become comfortable around him and he was grateful for you starting to open up to him. He wasn't a terrible person. He knows he struggles with expressing his emotions and he ends up doing it in an unhealthy way. However, he knew that he had good intentions.
The days blurred and you no longer care about how long it's been.
Eventually, you guys would sometimes eat dinner together on the table in the cramped kitchen or would sit silently reading books together. He didn't have a TV and even though he has a phone, you never saw it in his hand.
One day, you were casually sitting on the worn down couch, reading one of his many book selections from his shelf, when Namjoon walked through the door with a bag of take out in his hand.
"Hey," you greeted him without looking up from your book.
"That's not how you greet me," his voice sounded dark and menacing, but when you laid eyes on him, you can see his eyes twinkle in mischief.
You patted your lap and Namjoon set the take out on the table in front of the couch before plopping his head down. Your fingers curled into his coarse hair before you lean forward to take out the boxes from the bag.
You were oblivious to your chest being in Namjoon's face until you feel his mouth on one of your nipples through your thin nightgown. He quickly reaches up behind your neck to keep you still as he teasingly nip and lick your bud.
"N-namjoon," you stuttered out, "the f-food."
"Don't care," his deep voice sent vibrations through your body and you feel your core getting wet, "you're my meal for tonight." He released his hold on you and sat against the couch. He pulled you into his lap so roughly that you had to put your hands on his chest to stop yourself from crashing into him.
His hands started traveling under your gown and dangerously brushed the inside of your thighs. You reached under to stop him from moving any closer. Your action made your gown hike up even more and you were exposed to him. You can feel Namjoon's bulge become even harder underneath and you try to ignore it.
"B-but, our situation," you weakly protested.
"Don't think about that. Not right now at least. We'll deal with it later." He licked a long slit against the side of your neck and you leaned back to give him more access.
That night, he took you roughly and painfully. That night, as he fucked you into oblivion on top of every surface that he could find. That night, as he gently wiped his cum off of you and laid you down in his bed, you came into a realization.
You were in love with him. You fell in love with him and you fell hard.
//
You were woken up by fingers trailing down your naked back. You sleepily brushed the fingers away and nuzzle closer to the warm body next to you.
"Kitten, it's time to wake up," Namjoon teasingly sing to you.
You open one of your eyes to meet his endearing gaze and let out a loud groan. You rolled over on to your stomach and stretched your body out like a cat, making the blanket that was covering you to fall.
"I could get used to this view every day." Namjoon lets out a genuine laugh before walking over to his dresser to take out some clothes. He handed a pair to you and proceeded to put his own outfit on.
"I have to go somewhere to take care of some business, so I won't be back in a couple of hours."
You didn't reply as you dressed yourself. Instead, you studied his room and the amount of pictures of you was a reality wake up call. Seeing the pictures made you realize why you were here in the first place and the blissful feeling from last night faded and was replaced by a new surge of anger.
Namjoon called out your name and you turned to him with a hard glare.
"Hey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you yesterday?" You didn't say a word before pushing past him and storming into your room. You can hear him following you from behind and trying to get you to stop.
You covered yourself with your blanket and curled into a fetus position.
"What's going on? Why are you acting like this?" Namjoon sat next to you and placed a hand on your shoulders, but you quickly brushed it off. He lets out a frustrated sigh and there was a moment of silent tension between you guys. He has no idea what caused your sudden mood swing, but he can feel your guards going up again and he's slightly panicking.
"I want to go home," you softly uttered. Namjoon froze at your sudden revelation before shaking his head.
"But you are home. You're my home! That's not possible anymore..." You angrily threw the blanket off of you and you rolled out of bed.
"Well, why not?! You brought me here against my will Namjoon! Surely, you can let me go!" Namjoon's hands clenched at your last words before he grabbed you by your arm and shaking you.
"I don't fucking want you to leave me!" He passionately roared out.
You guys ended up in a heated staring contest before you shook him off of you. He followed your movements as you slumped onto the bed in a defeated manner.
"This isn't love," You brokenly voiced out.
Namjoon went down to his knees in front of you and pulled your hair back behind your ear to get a good look at you. You were crying and the guilt in his chest made it hard for him to breathe at the sight.
"Why not?" He sadly whispered.
One of the tears escaped and slid over your chapped lips, letting you taste the salty liquid. You winced at the sting when it touched the wound that Namjoon gave you from a particularly rough kiss last night.
"Because you're hurting me."
Namjoon reeled back from your comment in pain, "You no longer want me?" His eyes well up in tears and you look at him with such sadness that he was scared of what you're going to say next.
"I shouldn't want you," You avoided eye contact with him.
"Then what's the problem? We can be together forever! You want me and I want you." Namjoon grabbed the sides of your face and stood in between your legs.
You didn't reply and after a few moments, Namjoon let your face go and stepped back.
He made his way to the door before saying, "I'll be back in a couple of hours." He shut the door and you knew that he no longer trusted you as he locked it like he did on the first day.
//
You knocked out from the mental exhaustion but someone was frantically shaking you awake.
"Wake up! We have to leave before he gets back!" The figure was blurry and you rubbed your eyes to clear up your vision.
"Jimin? What are you doing here?" You couldn't even grasp the situation before you were yanked from the bed and dragged towards the door.
" I should have never let him get to you, I am so stupid," Jimin ignored your question.
You planted your feet firmly into the ground to stop him from further dragging you away.
"What in the hell are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere until you answer my questions!"
Jimin ran his fingers through his hair, "Look, I can answer all of them later, but I need you to follow me okay? I'm trying to get you out of here?"
"How did you know where I was?" You were confused, how did Jimin know where you were? To your knowledge, Jimin and Namjoon had no connection to each other whatsoever. But, why did Jimin never show up at your place that night?
Jimin's guilty face answered all the questions that you would have asked and you pulled away from his grasp.
"You...." You pointed a finger at him, trying to will it to stop shaking.
Jimin tried to take a step closer to you, but you took one back.
"Get the hell away from me! I don't even fucking know who you are anymore!"
"I know how bad this looks and I am willing to apologize a thousand times, but I need to get you out of here! Please, just trust me!"
"You think apologizing will fix everything?! How do I not know that you're going to just take me somewhere else?"
"I promise that I'm not going to do anything to you! I just want you safe right now. Namjoon's not stable and I was hoping that I'm not too late." Jimin held out a hand to you and you cautiously look at it.
"You're not the only girl! He had others before. Please believe me, " Jimin pleaded.
"Please.." Just as you went to go grab his hand, a cold voice sounds from the doorway.
"You take that hand and you won't have any left," Namjoon was leaning against the main entrance, blocking the only escape.
Jimin quickly shielded you behind him. "Namjoon, let her go."
Namjoon pretended to fix the invisible wrinkles on his black shirt before pushing himself off the door.
"Why did you have to meddle into my business, Cousin? You never batted an eye before, so why now?"
"Because she's my friend Namjoon!"
"Yet it didn't stop you from letting me know her address or the countless new phone numbers she had huh?" You can feel Jimin's body tense at Namjoon's statement and his hold on you tightened in case you decide to pull away.
Namjoon's slight smile dropped and was replaced by a scowl.
"Get out."
"No," Jimin defied him.
"Get out, before Auntie won't have a son anymore."
Jimin was startled at the threat. Namjoon wouldn't kill him, he can't. They're family. Yet, the tone and his face showed no bluffing on his part. Not only that, but he couldn't leave his mom alone, not when he's the only son and child.
With a heavy heart, Jimin stepped away from you and you tugged on the back of his shirt in attempt to prevent him from moving any further. However, he looked at you and sadly shook his head before prying your hands off of him.
"Jimin-ah," you croaked out.
"No, no. Don't leave me! Please!" You desperately chased after him, but you were held back by Namjoon and as you watch Jimin walk out the door, your spirit completely shattered. You continue to thrashed and kicked in Namjoon's arms as he dragged you towards his bedroom.
He pinned you down in attempt you calm you down.
"Stop it! Stop! Relax!" You couldn't calm down, not in this situation. A stalker and possibly a murderer is on top of you. Who in their right mind could be calm in this state?
Namjoon found your throat and gave it a slight squeeze and that made you stop all motions.
"Are you going to behave now?" His eyes were hooded and his lips were dangerously close to yours.
You glared at him, but you tried to nod as best as you could.
He released his hold on you and you rubbed your neck before meekly asking, "There were others?"
Still on top of you, Namjoon avoided eye contact before nodding.
"Where are they?" You were scared of his answer.
"Dead," his blunt and sharp reply made your heart lurch to your throat.
"Am I..." you trailed off.
He was quick to reassure you, "No, never."
"I don't believe you."
That was the last words you muttered to him that night.
//
He loomed over you as you slept. Sleep was the last thing on your mind, but your body was in desperate need for some rest.
As you lay there, temporarily relived from the nightmare that you were living, you had no idea of Namjoon watching you with a pillow in his hand. You looked like an angel and he was sure that you would make a better one.
He placed the pillow over your face, effectively constricting your airway. When you struggled and clawed at his hands, drawing blood, he didn't let up. He pressed harder, hoping the process would be faster and you wouldn't be in anymore pain.
He didn't want to do it. He really didn't, but you no longer trusted him. You were different than the other girls but after Jimin's visit, he could tell by your eyes that you no longer loved him.
But he loves you.
As you take your final breath and your hands dropped to the side, lifeless, Namjoon didn't realize he was crying. He touched the wetness on his face before taking off the pillow, revealing your face.
Namjoon lets out a cry as he grabbed you into his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. He brushed your hair with his fingers as he chanted your name, hoping you would come back to him.
Later that night, after he dumped your body in the dense woods on the outskirts of the city, he sat on his bed and stared at your pictures that littered his wall. He moved to take them down and burned them in his fireplace. However, he saved one. The picture was of you at the flower shop, smiling happily at one of the customers.
Namjoon made his way to his desk and pulled out a scrap book. He flipped through the countless pictures of other girls. Some familiar, others, from so long ago that he no longer remembered them.
Eventually, he got to an empty page and carefully placed four glue dots on the corner of your picture before sticking it inside the book. With a red pen, he writes, "No. 14" underneath the picture.
He placed the cap back onto the pen before putting it back into its holder.
He fondly rubbed over your picture a few times before he closed it, placing it back inside the desk.
//
"Mom!" You ran across the vast and dense field of carnations towards her. Her arms were already stretched open, ready to capture you.
"Sweetheart!" You jumped into her arms and nuzzled into her neck, breathing in the familiar scent of melon and strawberries.
Finally, you let her go and she studied her daughter from top to bottom. She wiped your tears before tearfully asking, "You've suffered a lot right, my daughter?"
"It was hard, Mom. So hard," you breathlessly whispered.
