School of Thieves, Unknown
You're visiting your brother in New York who's currently undercover as (alleged) art forger, and current CI for the White Collar unit, Neal Caffrey. When he gets sick, you do the only thing to do. Step in and go undercover yourself. Good thing most of your family has already been Neal before so the office shouldn't bat an eye. (Hehe, bat) White Collar x DC Crossover Week Day 4 - Thursday, June 26 Neal is a Malone || Alfred is in on it || Secret Relationship
for @whitecollardcweek 's WCxDC crossover week 2025
title is painting again :))
crossposted on ao3
wc: 2k+
It’s a sign of Peter’s acceptance of the situation, that your family has tortured this man enough that he’s on stage 7 and just sighs when he sees you in the Neal suit.
You grin the trademark Caffrey grin and get in the car with Peter.
“Good morning, Peter,” you greet cheerfully.
He just sighs when he looks at you.
“Are we stopping for coffee first?”
“You’re actually on time for once, so I guess we have time,” he says reluctantly.
“Why so gloomy this morning? Did you miss me that much?” you tease.
He side-eyes you, probably debating whether or not to call you out on your different appearance. But you weren’t the second, third or even seventh Neal to grace his presence, and you weren’t going to give him an inch.
”You can’t go in to work today! You’re sick!”
“Steph and Cass are in Hong Kong, Tim has WE things, Alfred is busying wrangling B and Damian, and-” He was cut off by a sneeze “-Duke can’t miss school. I’m the only one who can be Neal Caffrey, I have to go,” he wheezed.
You handed him the box of tissues. “Call in sick, I’m sure Peter would understand. Even CIs are allowed sick days.”
“No, there’s too much to do. I need to get those files for, for-” he sneezed again.
“Dick,” you groaned. “You’re not going in to work today, you need to rest. Drink lots of water, eat something, shower, sleep.”
He shook his head vehemently. “No, I’m going in-” He started to cough and grabbed his water.
“You’re not going in to work today,” you said as Dick put his glass down to argue but you continued before he got anything out. “I will go in to work today. I’ll be Neal for the day, ok?”
You walk into the office behind Peter and toss your hat onto the Socrates bust in the classic Neal style, grinning at your coworkers (Neal’s coworkers). … (And also your coworkers because they were federal agents and you were a federal agent… You weren’t going to think too hard about that right now, you were going to ignore that possible future complication until it decided to become a problem. Which was hopefully never.)
You sit down at your desk and pull up the first file. “Mortgage fraud,” you groaned.
No one liked mortgage fraud. Not that you couldn’t all do it, you prepared for it and learned and practiced together to be Neal, and that included knowing about all Neal’s cases so you could do them yourselves, it was just that it was mortgage fraud and mortgage fraud was so tedious with all the numbers and double checking documents. All of you preferred chasing after criminals over sitting at a desk doing mortgage fraud, even out of the Caffrey suit. You disliked paperwork at your regular FBI job, now you were back in an office doing it on your days off. By choice.
But Neal was a hard worker, and you weren’t a slacker, so you got to work.
“So, Caffrey…” Diana leans against your desk.
“Yes, Diana?”
“We still on for that thing this Friday?”
Immediately you know she’s up to something. This was the game they played every once in a while, try to get one of you to slip up and prove you weren’t the “real” Neal Caffrey.
“Hmm,” you pretend to think about it. “I don’t recall us having a thing this Friday, unless you’re referring to your date night with Christie and the fact that you, uh-” you glance around to see if anyone is within eavesdropping range “-the thing we talked about that you made me promise I wouldn’t spill.”
“Hmmm.” Diana considers you and you lean back in your chair in the most Caffrey way possible, grinning at her.
“I thought we were friends, Diana,” you tease. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Not at all, Neal,” she says.
“Ouch, I’m hurt,” you pout, throwing a hand on your chest dramatically. “Do you think you’ll change your mind when I tell you we thought of the perfect answer to your inquiry?”
“We?” Diana raises an eyebrow.
“Me and Moz, of course,” you lied. “You can’t expect me to keep anything from him, can you? He’s my best friend, and he’d never spill your secrets, Diana.”
She studies you a moment longer before sighing.
“Buuuuuuut, if you’re talking about that exhibition in a couple weeks, then yes,” you flash a grin at her, “we’re still on.”
“Go back to work, Caffrey.” She pushes off your desk and returns to her own.
You turn back to the mortgage fraud file in front of you but take a moment to silently relax from the anxiety of fearing you’d be caught, no time to think about that now, being in the lion’s den and all that. You shake your head, to physically get the wiggles out before going back to cross checking the numbers in front of you.
The day is a relatively easy one, in the sense that no big case comes in and you just sit at your desk suffering through mortgage fraud file after mortgage fraud file.
At the end of the day, you hop up to Peter’s office and lean inside, knocking on the wall as almost an afterthought.
“Hey Peter.”
He looks up at you, then down at his watch and curses. “I’ve got to get to dinner with El.”
You grin as you watch him shut off his computer and shrug his jacket on. “Going to that Thai place Elizabeth talked about going to last week?”
“Yeah, we have a reservation for 7 but she wanted to go on a walk to the park with Satchmo first.”
“Have fun,” you smile at him. “I just came to tell you that I was off, I don’t need a ride home.”
“Oh, good. Thanks, Neal, see you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Peter!” you call out as he rushes to the elevator. You smile after him and wander back to your own desk to pick up your hat and flip it onto your head, Neal Caffrey style. You aren’t in a rush to get back, although you do want to check in on Dick. You wave to a few lingering agents and make your way to the stairs.
You jog up the stairs to Neal’s apartment and hope Dick had rested during the day. He deserved it.
You unlock the door and walk in, almost immediately you stop and stare.
“Alfred?”
“Good evening. Master Dick is in bed on strict orders to remain there until dinner which is almost ready,” he says as he manoeuvres briskly around the kitchen.
You nod. “Ok. Can I help with anything?”
“If you wish, you may set the table. Master Damian has informed me he will be joining us as well tonight.”
“Ok.” You had not expected to see Alfred out here, but it warms your heart that Dick hadn’t been alone the whole day. You set out the dishes, and when Alfred permits it, help him lay out the food.
“Where is Richard?”
You look over to see Damian standing by an open window. You nod your head towards the bedroom.
“He is resting but as dinner is ready you may get him and bring him here, Master Damian,” Alfred says.
He nods and disappears around the corner.
They both come out a minute later and wander over, Dick blearily wiping his eyes.
“How’re you feeling?”
He groans and plops down in a seat. “I wish I got hit by a bus instead.”
You snort as Alfred serves you all before sitting down himself.
“What happened at school today, Damian?”
He tuts. “It was school. It is a pointless undertaking and a complete waste of my time.”
You hum and finish chewing your food. “Maybe, but I’m sure Dick would love to hear all about it from you.”
Damian scowls. “The students there are imbeciles, but art class is acceptable. We’re learning different painting techniques.” He huffs. “And I suppose we’re learning about different species of animals and their classifications in science which is bearable.”
“That’s awesome, Dami,” Dick smiles at him, and you pretend not to notice that Damian’s frown softens. “And how was being Neal Caffrey today?” Dick teases you.
“An almost unbearable amount of mortgage fraud cases to flip through, but here I am, I survived,” you deadpan.
“Thanks for-”
“No need to thank me, I was happy to do it, although I was hoping for some jewelry theft maybe, ya know, something more interesting than mortgage fraud all day,” you joke.
Dick’s chuckle turns into a cough.
“And there’s no way you’re going in tomorrow either. I’m still off for a little while, so just face it, Dick, you’re stuck with me.”
“Fine, fine.”
“You must rest, Richard, if you are to return as Neal Caffrey or Nightwing,” Damian declares.
“Alright, little D, I won’t go in tomorrow,” Dick promises, ruffling his hair, to which Damian scowls and ducks away.
“So, Alfred. Are you going to be Neal tomorrow while Dick gets better?” you joke.
“I was Neal once and I believe that was enough. I do not wish to antagonize Special Agent Peter Burke into a pre-mature heart attack, especially since he has such a lovely wife.”
You chuckle.
“His dog is wonderful. He is barely tolerable,” Damian sneers.
Dick coos, which quickly turns into coughing. “Such high praise coming from you, Baby Bat,” he says when he’s able to breathe again.
Damian scowls. “You should not strain yourself while you are incapacitated, Richard, there is an art exposition at the museum you promised to take me to next week. Unless you would prefer to reschedule.”
“No, no, of course not, Dami, I’ll-” he sneezes.
Damian tuts and gets out of his chair to tug Dick out of his. “You need to rest if you are to conquer this infection.”
Dick ruffles Damian’s hair again. “I love you too, Baby Bat.”
He tugs Dick faster but doesn’t otherwise argue.
You watch them wander over to the bed with a soft smile, hoping Damian doesn’t end up coming down with a cold too.
You stand up with Alfred and help him clear the table and wash the dishes.
“When are you going back?” you ask him while drying a plate.
“Shortly,” he replies. “I will be support on comms tonight, but Master Dick needed to be checked on.” He glances over at you as he washes a pan. “It is good that you are here to keep an eye on him.”
“I do what I can.” You give a small smile.
“And that he has company. Being Neal Caffrey can get lonely when one wears his mask for so long.”
You nod. “Especially because of the mask,” you agree.
Eventually all the dishes are cleaned, and you go to check on your brothers with Alfred. You smile at the sight of them curled up together, fast asleep.
“I can wake him up early enough to take a Zeta to Gotham for school,” you murmur, loathe to wake them up when they look so peaceful.
Alfred has a small smile on his face under his moustache. “I’m sure they both need their rest. Very well, I will bid you a goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Alfred.”
He nods with his small smile and leaves the apartment.
You gather up your blankets again and make your bed on the couch.
Today had been a new experience. You hadn’t been Neal before, even if you’d paid attention to all the Neal briefings before and practiced with your siblings so you could be Neal Caffrey should the situation warrant it. Today had been one of those times and you were glad you were able to step up so Dick could rest (he did not get enough).
You had enjoyed being Neal Caffrey temporarily. (Even with all the mortgage fraud). Tomorrow you’d go back into the White Collar office and hope for a different case, less mortgage fraud, and that no one recognised you as an FBI profiler from Quantico.
You set your alarm for the next morning and think about which suit to wear. Alfred was right, in the short term, Neal Caffrey was a fun mask to wear. But wear it too long, and it gets exhausting. You think about the mission and how long it’ll take until your family retires the Neal Caffrey alias. The answer to that was not until there were no more spies and assassins in the office; which you were purging slowly but surely. Eventually there would come a day where it would be free of them and Neal would run or disappear or die and no one would need to wear the Caffrey mask anymore.
… Until the next time a long-term undercover mission came up and you were all called back to action. Your lives could be chaotic like that, but you never regretted the chaos your chosen family brought into your life, it was what made it entertaining after all.
~~~
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