For questioning systems, specifically those who do not fit the typical DID/OSDD criteria, this will be an in depth dive into how our brain works as we understand it right now!
Bellow is all of us, The Super Fine System.
🛸 DoinFine (23) is on top and from left to right is ☁️ Cloud (~22) , 🌾 Summer (24) and 🧸 Bean (~8).
This is how we "appear in the head space".
Technically, we don't have a visual headspace and we don't literally see each other. For us it's kind of like wondering around a space with the light turned off but we all have psychic proximity so we can sense each other when we're in proximity to each other.
Even more technically, only DoinFine has psychic proximity in this way and I🛸 don't actually know what everyone else experiences up here.
🛸 I am a front stuck host. It's like I'm plugged in to the front. We call it being stuck in the chair because it's an easy way to explain it but I don't actually feel stuck in a literal chair. I just sort of feel glued in place. I feel like I am the front. Some systems talk about a control panel. I feel like I am the control panel. All I can really do is experience the outside world, sense when someone else is close to the front with my psychic proximity, and imagine what certain events that unfold in my head look like visually to kind of help make sense of it.
🛸 The thing about being front stuck is that I can never leave so we don't have traditional amnesia. What we do have is difficulty with memory recall but usually we'll get there eventually with enough description from an outside party and Emotional Amnesia. The best way to describe Emotional Amnesia is as if you're rewatching a movie but now the movie has no sound and is in black and white. Or like you're watching the movie from way across the room and through really thick glass.
🛸 The other thing about being front stuck in such a permanent way is that no one else can fully front. They all have to through me. This is why I feel like the control panel sometimes is because everyone has to operate and filter through me. This turns Cloud, Summer, and Bean into this:
Here are the originals for comparison.
🛸 Like I said before I can't see anybody nor can I hear anybody. But through the psychic proximity I can feel them and I can feel their vibe, emotions, and if their close enough or "touching" me I can hear them. Example: making these picrews was me making them and doing what I think they'd like and then feeling their reaction. It's genuinely fascinating because I will add something that I think looks good and I'll pause and tune in and feel, especially from Cloud, the vibe of "No, I don't like that." and if I'm really not doing a good job I'll hear a "I would never wear that." I don't actually hear another voice it's more of a passing thought and opinion that very much differs from my own. Thats how we figured out what everyone looks like.
Back to the filtered versions of my head mates. Some systems would describe this as being blurry, blendy, or just co-con. We feel blendy would fit this best. we know for some systems, like our partner system, blended alters can be their own solid individuals with unique names, pronouns, thought, and feelings. However, this is not the case for all systems and definitely not for us. The level of blended changes based on how close the person is to DoinFine.
This was particularly hard to navigate at the beginning of realizing we were a system because everyone talks about switching in and out and we don't do that. This fed our denial spirals for a good long while.
DoinFine has only ever not be in the front maybe twice. Bean seems to be the only one able to boot DoinFine to passenger with ease and has only done it once. The other time Cloud was bonding with his friend in our partner's system and DoinFine consciously decided to try and "look around" the head space (still not sure how to translate that literally) to see if they could learn more info. Cloud is our gatekeeper though so they didn't learn much nor did they full achieve disconnect but Cloud found himself front stuck for a second. We think this only happened because he's never co-fronted before and didn't know how to leave.
After writing that here's some information we may have pieced together.
The first level of "fronting": Bleed Over and and Passive Influence is what DoinFine gets from the other head mates on our average day.
The second level of "fronting": As someone get close to the front the influence becomes stronger which turns it into being blendy. This when someone sits on the bench with DoinFine or, in Cloud's case, standing just behind it. We don't make it past here very often. This is also where we have to give a heads up to those around us incase unexpected mannerism come through.
The third and final level of "fronting": is reaching Co-Fronting where DoinFine stops driving but is still up front and can let the other person "have a turn". Typically it will look like the other person is Fronting on their own. This usually because in these instances who ever is co-fronting usually wants their time to exist as a person.
With Cloud getting front stuck briefly, that was DoinFine consciously and willingly taking "a back seat". Bean still holds the title for being the only one of us to kick DoinFine out of the drivers seat and forcing a co-front without anyone realizing until it was already happening. It wasn't even on Cloud's radar that maybe the 8 year old could be that powerful in the front. He was watching the interaction and suddenly DoinFine and Bean had swapped places and he began to panic only a little bit.
When it comes to our internal communication we don't lol. We communicate by verbally talking out loud to each other. Other things we do is use apps to text to each other. DoinFine, psychic proximity only gets us so far. All though they are developing a new technique where they kind of vaguely think about a question or theorize about an answer and then they try to tune into Cloud who's almost always with in proximity and tries to gage his emotions to tell them the answer or if their theory is correct. We have found that Cloud does not mind revealing information in this way. He still won't reveal everything though. For example we were trying to figure out when everyone first appeared in the headspace, when we got to Cloud he wouldn't tell us obviously but DoinFine noticed that when they would try and guess his vibe and emotions would almost play like a hot and cold game. When we were too far back he would almost boast about how, "i've been here way before that" and when we were too far forward we could feel collectively that it wasn't right. We eventually narrowed it down to early on in our time on this earth but when we were starting to get too close to specifics Cloud stopped the game and wouldn't provide anymore information.
🛸 Though I can tune in to vibes, emotions, and sometimes thoughts I can't access anyone completely. I think It's Cloud and he keeps tight tabs on everyone, I can gather information about people as individuals but nothing about the headspace, how this place works, and if anyone else is around. Though this is frustrating I can feel Cloud and trust that his intentions are good despite his rude way of executing them. I can feel that he is very familiar with me, and he knows what I can handle and when I'm ready for it. He is very much an older brother type. And I do trust that I will learn things when I'm ready for them. I also get the sense that he doesn't know EVERYTHING like he says he does and sometimes he just doesn't have the information and pretends like he's just keeping it from me. As for what everyone else knows I can't get a read on them. Bean is rarely around and it flips back and forth for Summer whether or not she knows things that Cloud knows or is just as clueless as me. Only time will tell I guess.
I hope this is helpful or at least interesting to someone.
I’ve been trying to map how we work for a year now and this is where I’m at. I'm sure this will all change as I grow more familiar with my new situation. But for now if anyone has any question feel free to ask them, we are more than happy to answer anything. Questions from other people help us figure stuff out for ourselves.
I know our posts are dwindling. But it is due to the fact that we are still stuck in a blurry/blendy state. I just never know what to post since there hasn't been anything going on. Along with that imposter syndrome that maybe I just been making this all up in my head.
I don't know.
All of this started when we struggled with a sudden hormone imbalance. Our face suddenly broke out with acne, we were suddenly put in a constant daze, and we suffered harsh mood-swings. The acne and mood-swings have died down a bit but the daze is still there. Trying to figure out who I am and who is there is like reaching into darkness and grabbing at nothing.
I've tried to follow all the advice people have given us for trying to trigger out others or trying to find traits of members to see who is here but I just can't figure it out.
It just feels so quiet like this and it is unnerving. I wish I knew how to break this spell. Most likely, this will be the last post until we can finally break out of this funk.
We are still open to advice and will very much appreciate anything at this point.
Strange thing, I did not think I could sexualize the full body horrible pain I am in for days but apparently i can find pleasure in it if I am high. Joyus!
