To Make It Through Your Worst Days - Camp Digimonth 2023
Here’s my first thing I’m working on for Camp Digimonth! It’s a Yolei-focused oneshot/character study I started last month but ran into some roadblocks with. I wanted to really look into the anxiety that I see her having (given episodes like Run Yolei Run in 02), and see how that affects her so many years later once she’s started to settle down.
I hope you all enjoy this! This is also up on AO3 here
Her mom had said that the second pregnancy would be easier than the first. Five months in and Yolei could confirm that was a complete fucking lie. Morning sickness was much worse this time around, but worse than that was the way her brain buzzed at times. For some reason, her anxiety had started to take more of a toll on her than usual.
For just over two months now she had been on a big job, having taken to doing freelance audio production in order to help while Ken was between cases. The clients had been rather demanding, but she liked to believe she had really nailed it. It was a track for an indie film that had been filming in parts of Odaiba, and included both the music that would play during the climax as well as some work on the film’s audio itself to help enhance it so it would really pop. This would be her first time doing something that hadn’t been for a small time musician or some sort of local business’s ad on the radio, and as she was helping her daughter get ready for school that morning, the confidence she had started to wane and fade into anxiousness.
It was eating at her deep in her gut, and once Ken and Haruka left, panic had started to overtake her. In just two hours she would have that meeting, which meant she had two hours in which her brain could convince her of any and everything. It didn’t help that she insisted Hawkmon go off with Ken and Wormmon that day, either.
“Go, go! I’ll be fine, honest!” she had insisted amidst all of her partner’s concerns.
She would be fine physically, sure, since the long bouts of morning sickness had passed a while ago, but that didn’t stop her brain from ringing like mad between her ears.
“It’s just going to be a quick, easy meeting. You’re going to send them the tracks, they’re going to love it, and you’re going to tell everyone the good news at dinner,” she mumbled to herself as she had taken to compulsively cleaning the living room a second time. Sweat matted her bangs to her forehead, and it was only then that she realized she needed to slow down just a little bit.
The lavender-haired woman looked down at her phone on the arm of the couch and took in a quiet breath. Everyone was working right now. There was no one to talk to for a brief moment to try and calm herself down.
Yolei had opted to finish her cleaning by giving the kitchen counter a once over before getting ready, doing her best to shut out the intrusive shower thoughts. Today hadn’t been so bad, as she had been able to push through most of those quiet moments with a lightly citrus scented shampoo that Kari had gotten her a few weeks ago alongside some music playing on her phone. Ken had been incredibly insistent on her taking self-care a little more seriously than usual during her pregnancy to try and make things easier on herself.
Usually she was happy to indulge in some self-care, whether it was delicious food or a little bit of retail therapy (which, granted, had been much less since they started their family), but the little things like this had truly been a boon in helping her out.
Afterwards, she put on her nicest dress and got ready for the video call, relieved she wouldn’t have to make a trek out to the office for it.
With one last brush of her hair, she opened the video call program and turned on her webcam mere moments before a call came through. Once she accepted, there were two men sitting on a couch, each in a business casual combination of blazers, t-shirts, and jeans.
“Mr. Okamoto! Mr. Hanamura! Great to talk to you again!”
“It’s great to talk to you, too, Mrs. Ichijouji. We’re really excited to hear what you have for us,” Okamoto started off with an easy smile as he leaned back.
“Sure thing! Give me just one minute to upload these and…” she started, fingers deftly tapping away at her keyboard, “There!”
“Thanks, we appreciate you being willing to work under that time crunch. Post production is nearly done, so your tracks and a few others are all we’re waiting for,” Hanamura said.
Yolei sucked in a deep breath and put on a wide, confident smile that she certainly hadn’t been feeling at the moment.
“Well I’m really happy with what I came up with, so I think you will be, too,” she told them, all while she kept up her smile.
She had lost plenty of sleep over this project recently. This project was one she had done a lot of work on when she couldn’t get to sleep at night, or during those rare times in the middle of the day that she had an hour or two to sit down and chip away at it. She’d been working on it for nearly half of her pregnancy so far, and it wasn’t easy, especially not with everything else she did to keep the home organized.
It was a big job, and while it wouldn’t necessarily make or break their finances, it would certainly do a lot to help if it all went well, and it would be a great piece to add to her resume for any other gig work she would want to take in the future.
A lump was stuck in her throat, and she kept a hopeful smile plastered on her face as they hit play and the music track came on. It was bombastic, with heavy-hitting bass and powerful synth that she thought would be killer for the movie they were making. Aside from the music echoing from the video call, everything else was achingly, painfully quiet, and the knot in her stomach got tighter and tighter.
She couldn’t take it anymore, she needed a response now.
That hopeful smile went away as she saw their faces go sour, the distaste clear in their expressions, and her heart sank. All of this work, all of the feedback she had gotten from Ken suddenly felt meaningless, and she could feel beads of sweat begin to gather at the crown of her head.
“You know, Mrs. Ichijouji, I don’t… I just don’t think this is very good,” Okamoto said bluntly, and it felt like a knife to the stomach. It hit so quickly and was so severe that she felt dizzy.
“This really isn’t what I envisioned for the scene, in all honesty. I’m not sure I want to listen to the other audio,” Hanamura sighed and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.
“R-Really…?” she asked slowly, “I mean, you mentioned you wanted something big and bombastic, right? I was reading what you sent over and when comparing it to the audio track I just thought—”
“Well, yes, we wanted big and bombastic, but this feels too… too techno. Too dubstep,” Okamoto cut in as he held up a hand to stop her, “It feels too basic and juvenile for what we’re going for.”
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Her head was swimming in a choppy ocean of self-deprecating thoughts, and it was taking all of her energy to focus.
“In all honesty, while I appreciate your thoughts for what you felt could fit, as the directors of this film, I think we have a better idea of what we know would work,” Hanamura said firmly. She felt sick. Not to mention stupid and… childish. Did they really need to talk down to her like this!?
“I-I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to insist that I knew better or anything, I just thought it might be good,” she choked, swallowing hard after ad she tried to push down the bile she could feel starting to rise.
“We need you to redo this,” Okamoto said sharply, “We really can’t afford to miss our deadlines and we’re already cutting this close as it is.”
“I can redo this, yeah. I-It’s no problem,” she said, nodding rapidly.
“Good. We can only give you a month, though,” Hanamura said, before he checked his phone, “26 days, actually,” he added with a sigh.
What took her nearly two full months now had to be done in less than one!? This was ridiculous.
She wanted to insist how ridiculous it was— how she needed more time— but she couldn’t afford to. How would she be able to look at Ken and Haruka, Hawkmon and Wormmon, if she had to tell them that she lost this job completely because she argued with her clients? The job that she had been so sure of?
“Yeah, that’s… that’s fine.”
As they relayed new directions painfully slowly and in the most basic and simple of detail— as if she couldn’t understand it otherwise— she nodded numbly, the words going in one ear or another while she typed, relieved that they’d also be sending the updated guidelines and requests via email.
“Please get the new track to us ASAP,” Hanamura said, and Okamoto nodded silently.
“Of course. I’ll… I’ll be on it ASAP,” she said, letting out a huge sigh of relief as soon as she hung up the call. She slumped against the couch, unable to help the tears that started to pour no matter how much she wiped her face with her arm.
“Shit. Shit shit shit,” she cursed under her breath, relieved their daughter wasn’t there to see her mother look so pathetic.
Yolei knew she had to get started, but even just thinking about it felt so overwhelming. Her anxiety was starting to run rampant, and it didn’t help either. It was another reminder of how she messed up something so basic, so simple. Something that should’ve been a gimme.
Worse than that, she felt so stupid for crying like this. She felt so stupid and frustrated that she allowed herself to be talked down to like that when she never put up with it before.
“You shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up, Yolei. This is what happens when you get too confident,” she mumbled to herself, unable to help but cringe as a brief moment of clarity shone through about how this was just a symptom of her anxiety at work. It was something she tried to work on, and when Ken or one of the others had been around, they usually were able to help talk some sense into her.
It was a time like this she really wished she could call up Cody so he could help set her straight. He wouldn’t accept her wallowing like this, but considering everyone else had their jobs and priorities, all she could do was wallow. She looked down at her stomach and gently poked it.
“Your mommy’s a mess,” she laughed weakly, tears continuing to spill down her face.
God, what a mess she was. How did Ken put up with her when she got like this? Would Haruka end up like this one day? Would their next kid be doomed?
She was spiraling again, but this time she couldn’t recognize it and she certainly couldn’t stop herself.
Now Yolei ran through the whole gamut in her head: wondering how Hawkmon could handle her when she was like this, how her friends were willing to deal with her (if they really were able to), and how she was able to even land an opportunity like this in the first place. At this rate, she’d fail at this and wouldn’t be able to get another shot.
Those thoughts had filled her head so fully, and she suddenly felt nausea overtake her. The stress that was racing through her mind left her sick to her stomach, and she rushed to the bathroom as quickly as she could, barely able to make it in time.
Her mouth and throat burned once she was done, and the only things she could do was muster up taking one long swig from her water bottle. Her body was tired and her mind even more so, and as much as it pained her, what with knowing how much she had to do not just with this gig, but also around the house, she needed to slow down and gather herself.
But she’d have to pick up her daughter from her mother-in-law’s place later and with how red and puffy her eyes were from the fact that she was still crying, going there would be an absolute mess.
She shuffled to her and Ken’s room, feeling guilty for the fact that she was going to lie down in bed when everyone else was being responsible adults.
“I really hate you sometimes,” she spoke softly to the mirror, speaking just as much to herself as she was her brain.
She buried herself under the covers, not satisfied until she was completely engulfed. Yolei clenched her eyes shut, unable to stop the torrent of intrusive thoughts from pushing into her head again until it ultimately became so overwhelming that she passed out from exhaustion.
Two hours later she woke up, shooting a hand from under the comforter to grab her phone on the nightstand. Yolei paled as she saw the time and choked out a weak sob.
“You can’t just waste time like this,” she muttered, shaking her head as she pushed her face into the pillow before she let out a weak wail. With a deep breath, she opened one eye to look at her phone, throat tight as she saw a text message from Ken preemptively congratulating her on a job well done.
Yeah, a job well done laying in bed after getting scolded by her not-even-bosses.
But she knew she needed to call him, as much as she hated the idea of pulling him from his work, if only because she knew she wouldn’t be able to get to the subway in this state, let alone go pick up her daughter. She didn’t feel right asking for help, but she had to. With a lot of hesitance, she called him and put it on speaker, already burying her face in her pillow once again as the phone rang.
“Dang, Hawkmon, you’re on the case today, too?” Davis Motomiya asked as the group of Ken, Wormmon, and Hawkmon approached his food cart.
“Yolei insisted I go along to assist Ken and Wormmon, though I have a feeling she just wanted some time for herself before her big meeting today,” Hawkmon explained.
“She did seem more anxious than usual,” Wormmon added as he remained perched on Ken’s shoulder.
“Oh yeah, that movie gig, right?” Davis asked.
“Yeah,” Ken nodded, “She was working on it like crazy and it sounds really good.”
“She’s been fretting more than usual about it,” Hawkmon added.
“More than usual?” came the voice of Veemon as he popped up from behind the cart, wiping sweat from his forehead, “I didn’t think that was possible.”
An ugly snort escaped Davis, which caused him to turn bright red as his gaze moved to Ken, who arched an eyebrow at him curiously.
“Sorry, man, Veemon’s timing was just really good,” Davis said sheepishly as he jabbed his thumb in the direction of his partner. Hawkmon folded his arms and let out a huff.
“…We were wondering if we could get lunch?” Ken cut in before looking down, offering Hawkmon a sympathetic smile.
“Oh, Ken, can I get some extra mushrooms today?” Wormmon asked.
“Of course. So, we’ll have—”
Ken was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He looked over his shoulder to see a small line forming behind him. “Sorry, I’ll be right back,” he apologized with a nod, before stepping out of line. Hawkmon quickly followed suit, standing off to the side of the cart.
Ken took a few steps and pulled his phone from his pocket to see Yolei calling, and he couldn’t help the small smile on his face as he picked up.
“Yolei? How’d the meeting go?”
But instead of any excited rambling, he was immediately hit with the sounds of sobbing and muffled words slurring together. Ken’s chest felt tight, and he instantly went into fight or flight mode.
“Yolei? Yolei, is everything ok? What happened?”
From over at the cart Davis was looking Ken’s way with concern as he was getting an order ready. As soon as the words left his mouth, Hawkmon all but flew to his side, worriedly looking up at him.
“I fucked up Ken I fucking fucked up and this whole job is a mess and and and I can’t believe I did this I’m so sorry.”
“Yolei, can you try taking a deep breath?”
“Ken, is everything alright with Yolei?”
On the other end Ken could hear Yolei attempt a deep breath, only for it to turn into another wracked sob.
“Yolei, try to take another deep breath. It’s ok, I’m here.”
It took a few minutes before her intense crying started to settle down.
“Ken? Ken, I'm so sorry.”
“You have no reason to be sorry, Yolei. What’s wrong?”
“The meeting went horribly. I messed everything up and I only barely managed to get a chance to redo it and oh my god I’m so sorry I’m so so sorry Ken.”
Ken wasn’t happy knowing his wife was alone and in so much pain, but at least it wasn’t some sort of immediate health emergency. He just needed to get home as quickly as possible.
“You don’t need to be sorry, I promise,” he assured her.
“I feel so bad I know you’re so busy and this case is important but can you pick Haruka up? I just… I can’t and I’m so—”
“I promise, you don’t need to be sorry. I’ll head over and get her then come right back home for the day.”
“Thank you,” she said weakly, sniffling in between her words, “I don’t deserve you guys.”
“Don’t say that, you do. And we’re lucky to have you in our lives,” he said. He wasn’t sure if she would believe him, but he knew that reminding her would help break through the wall of self-loathing that always rose when this happened.
“I love you. We’ll be back soon. Just try and get some rest if you can.”
With that he hung up and let out a sigh.
“What’s going on, Ken? What’s wrong with Yolei?” Hawkmon asked impatiently.
“Yolei’s having a really bad anxiety attack. Apparently the meeting didn’t go well…” he said.
“I knew I shouldn’t have left,” Hawkmon huffed, “She kept insisting but I knew it wasn’t a good idea…”
“I don’t think she would’ve let you stay, Hawkmon,” Wormmon said.
Ken nodded, “He’s right. You can’t beat yourself up. Yolei is just very…”
“Stubborn?” Hawkmon asked. Ken chuckled gently.
“I was going to say headstrong. But yes,” he said, “We just need to go pick up Haruka and then go home.”
Ken looked back over to Davis’s ramen cart, seeing that the lunch rush had been served during the course of the phone call. He gestured for Hawkmon to follow along before making his way back to his best friend.
“Everything ok, dude? You were on the phone for a while,” Davis said.
“Things… didn’t go well with Yolei’s meeting today. We’re going to pick up Haruka and then head home,” Ken told him.
Veemon frowned, “Oh… I’m sorry, guys.”
“It’s ok, Veemon,” Ken said. Hawkmon nodded.
“Yes. We know you wouldn’t say anything if you knew this was happening already,” the feathered Digimon added.
“Hey, you guys still want lunch? Yolei has never turned down my ramen before, and you could take some to my favorite niece, too,” Davis suggested with a wide smile.
“That’s a great idea, actually. It’ll be a pretty big order, though, you think you’re up for the task?” Ken asked with a slight smirk. Veemon puffed out his chest in response.
“Up to the task? Are you kidding? Do you know who we are!?” Veemon asked.
Davis was equally fired up in an instant, “Yeah! Man, Ken, I thought you believed in us!”
Ken couldn’t help but laugh, glad to see that such a little, teasing comment had gotten his best friend and his partner so amped up.
“Veemon, get your bandana, we’re whipping up the best damn batch of ramen the Ichijouji’s have ever tasted!”
Ken couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing as he sat on a bench a few yards from Davis, listening to him sing while he worked.
“Are you ok, Ken?” Wormmon asked as he hopped down onto the bench, looking up at him.
Ken sighed, “Not particularly, Wormmon,” he told his partner with a weak smile, patting him on the head.
“It isn’t particularly fun knowing Yolei is suffering while we’ve been working, is it?” Hawkmon mused.
Ken’s gaze was fixed to the ground as he wrung his hands together, staying silent. Hawkmon cleared his throat after a moment.
“I still remember the first time I really became privy to this,” the Digimon sighed, “It might be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences I’ve ever had with her.”
Ken remained silent, still, but glanced over to his wife’s partner. Wormmon focused on Hawkmon intently.
“It started a few nights before we…” Hawkmon paused for a beat, which caused Ken to quirk an eyebrow curiously, “…Before we went to locate the Digimon Emperor’s base.”
Ken swallowed hard, and Wormmon couldn’t help but scuttle over to gently pat him on the leg.
“She could barely sleep, and once we were in the Digital World she was forging ahead of everyone to try and find the base so we could put a stop to it once and for all. She was climbing control spires and putting herself in danger constantly because she felt she wasn’t capable or strong enough. She was overly proactive and nearly got hurt because of it. And when I got hurt protecting her, she was inconsolable.”
He knew that his friends went through a lot trying to stop him back then, but he never knew this had happened to Yolei and Hawkmon…
“Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not aiming to make you feel guilty, I was just thinking about how long I’ve known her to be like this. She pushes herself so much that she runs herself ragged. But she also doesn’t want anyone to worry— or for anyone to think she’s incapable. The fact that she told you feels like a big step forward.”
Ken sighed, “It does, but it just means she was probably holding all of this stress back the entire time she’s been working on this. It’s not good for her.”
Ken massaged his temple and clenched his eyes shut.
“Maybe it might be a good idea if Hawkmon and I stay home tomorrow?” Wormmon suggested. Ken opened his eyes slowly and looked at his partner, offering a weary smile.
“That might be a good idea, yeah. We’ll think about it more tonight and see how she’s doing in the morning.”
“Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrder up!”
Wormmon let out a yelp of surprise as Davis walked over with a plastic bag in each hand.
“And there’s the food for my favorite family,” he grinned.
“Thank you so much, Davis, I really appreciate it,” Ken said.
“C’mon, Ken, I’d do anything for you, you know that!” he told his DNA Digivolution partner as he handed off the bags, “I packed in another serving so Yolei has two bowls of ramen to chow down on. You know, cause she’s eating for two now,” Davis said, folding his arms, a very satisfied grin on his face.
“And there’s extra mushrooms for me…?” Wormmon asked as he looked up at Davis.
“Of course!” Veemon said as he jumped over from behind the cart, “And extra noodles for you, Hawkmon!”
“Thank you,” Hawkmon said with a bow of his head.
“Thanks again, guys,” Ken added.
“Seriously, no problem, dude. I hope Yolei feels better. And tell Haruka Uncle Davis says hi!”
“Will do. We’ll see you later.”
“Like tomorrow for more ramen?” Veemon asked as Ken started to turn on his heel. Ken couldn’t help but laugh.
“We’ll probably be back tomorrow, yeah.”
Ken had held onto the bags the whole way to his parents’ apartment, relieved that it was such a quick trip from where Davis had set up shop for the day.
“Ah, Hawkmon, do you mind?” Ken asked sheepishly as they approached the door.
“Not at all,” Hawkmon said simply, walking over to knock on the door.
He could hear the sounds of his daughter scrambling around, her laughter making it through the door, and it brought a small level of comfort to him. When the door opened, the expression on his mother’s face turned to surprise immediately.
She blinked a few times, “What’re you doing here?” she asked. After a moment, she smiled, “Oh, sorry, I was just expecting Yolei. How’re you? Is work going ok today?”
Ken nodded, “It is, yeah. We just stopped by to—”
Ken stiffened a bit as he saw his small, four year old daughter run next to his mother, holding a Pururumon in her arms. She adjusted her glasses, the large, circle lenses making her eyes look so big and full of wonder— and they reminded him of his wife in an instant.
Ken felt himself heat up a bit, and he scratched his cheek as he thought of just what to say.
“She’s at home. She… wasn’t feeling that good, so she asked me to come pick you up,” he told her, offering her a small smile. Haruka frowned.
“Is she ok?” she asked immediately. Ken’s mother’s brow creased with worry.
“Is Yolei doing alright?”
Ken nodded slowly, “Yeah, the pregnancy has just been really rough on her this morning.”
Haruka’s frown deepened, “Are you sure mommy is ok, daddy?”
“She’s just feeling a little under the weather, but she’s fine, sweetheart, don’t worry.”
Thankfully that seemed to assuage her fears rather quickly, and her face lit up again.
“And we brought lunch for you, too,” Wormmon told her, which caused her to jump in place from excitement.
“Yay! Yay!” she cheered happily, stopping only to hug her grandmother’s leg, “Bye grandma!”
“I’ll see you soon, dear,” Ken’s mother said as she knelt down to give her granddaughter a hug, then looked up at Ken, “Let me know if you need anything. I should still have some home remedies from when I was pregnant with you.”
Ken smiled weakly, “I will, thanks mom. Are you ready to go, Haruka?”
“Mhm!” Haruka nodded, before waving goodbye to her grandmother.
As the small group started to head back home, Ken couldn’t help but glance down at his daughter every so often. She reminded him so much of her mother— Haruka was practically the spitting image of Yolei in every way— and that just left him feeling more anxious about her still being by herself. Haruka held her Pururumon close to her, the tiny, pudgy bird cooing and squawking happily.
Nearly a perfect little copy, right down to having the same Digimon partner, and those facts always left Yolei preening with pride over their daughter— even more than she usually did.
“Is everything ok, daddy?” Haruka asked sweetly, head craned up to look at her father. Ken bit the inside of his cheek at her words.
She was just as intuitive and quick-witted as her mother, too. Maybe being reminded of that could help her out a bit…
“Everything’s fine,” he smiled, “I don’t usually get to pick you up, so I’m happy to see you,” he told her, which was the truth.
Thankfully, his answer was enough to cause her face to light up with a smile, which soothed some of the ache in Ken’s chest.
“I’m happy to see you too, daddy! I wish mommy could’ve been here, too,” she pouted, “I knew another baby was a bad idea… it's making mommy not feel well…”
Ken let out a weak chuckle, “Don’t say that, sweetheart. I’m sure as soon as your little brother or sister is here you’ll be happy to have them around,” he told her. Haruka pouted harder— if that was even possible.
“Maybe… but I already have Pururumon!” she said, nuzzling the little baby bird blob.
“Well, I can’t wait for the new baby,” Wormmon piped up, and Hawkmon nodded in agreement.
Ever since her call with Ken, Yolei had kept his pillow over her face to cry into— at least once the hyperventilating and intense sobs had stopped. Even still, all she could think about was how she had absolutely fucked up.
Her mind was still swirling with those thoughts of how she had ruined everything, how everyone would be mad at her, and how she had ruined their chances at making sure they could be more financially stable with another kid on the way.
She didn’t hear the door open, but she did hear the commotion of everyone coming in, and at that point she couldn’t help but pull the pillow even closer to her face— if that were somehow possible— as she started to cry again.
“Haruka, my dear, let’s get you ready to eat,” Hawkmon said, his voice muffled by the pillow over Yolei’s ears.
“Can I say hi to mommy before I eat?”
“She might be sleeping. I’ll go check on her first, and after you eat you can see her if she’s up. How’s that sound?” Ken told their daughter, and Yolei could feel a deep pit in her gut start to form.
“Ok. C’mon Hawkmon, c’mon Wormmon! Let’s eat!”
“Please, don’t run so fast! My legs can’t keep up!” Wormmon cried out, barely able to be heard by Yolei, while Haruka’s giggles started to break through the down and dreary atmosphere that lingered like a dark cloud above Yolei.
As the sounds of Ken’s footsteps grew closer and closer, Yolei held the pillow tighter and tighter, not even wanting to be perceived by her husband.
“He deserves better. He deserves someone who can actually do a fucking job right. Someone who doesn’t end up like this…”
Wormmon and Hawkmon, too… Hawkmon, especially. If it weren’t for the fact that Hawkmon and her were destined to be partners for life, he could probably go off to find someone better to be with…
Ken’s voice was soft and gentle, almost as if she could break if he spoke too loud. So caring and kind… Her heart clenched and she couldn’t help the wracked sob that tore from her.
She could feel the edge of the bed sink with his weight as he sat down. Was he looking down at her with pity? How many times had he looked at her with pity or shame before? Surely dozens, right?
A shiver, followed by a brief warmth, ran through her body as he gently set a hand on her knee.
“Can I take the pillow off?” he asked her, and she gave an exaggerated shake of her head, the pillow still just about glued to her face, “You can breathe alright, right?” he added, to which she followed up with a nod.
“I know… I know what happened has been weighing on you a lot today, and I know it’s not as easy as me just saying it’s ok to chase it all away… but I promise you, you didn’t mess up anything because of how those guys reacted to your work,” he told her.
She let out a weak sound that caused Ken to grimace. He knew it would take more than just this to help her feel better, but he wasn’t going to give up. He began to gently rub her knee.
“You know, you worked really hard with all of this, and you should be proud of that. I am,” he told her. His gentle touch helped in soothing her, causing her arms to relax a bit. No longer did she have that tight grip on the pillow, but even still, she couldn’t help but continue to cry into it.
Why? Why was he being so nice?
“B-b-but I… you had to stop working… and… and…” she blubbered, letting out another weak, strained cry. Her voice was scratchy from crying so hard over the course of the day.
He couldn’t say those two words enough, wanting to reassure her— now and always— that no matter what, things would be alright. To try and steady her and keep her in a good place as best he could.
“But the money… and… and Haruka… and—”
Ken bit his lip gently, his brow creased with concern.
“I know things are tighter with money than when we first got married, but it’ll be fine. We have savings. And if worst comes to worst, we have friends who can help us out,” he told her.
“That’s just putting more stress on everyone, and then everyone will be mad at us. And it’ll be all my fault.”
The sheer insistence and need to do everything, how much her mind raced, how much she had to prove to be useful to others, to show that she could handle everything thrown her way.
It was easier to see all these little things now that Hawkmon had mentioned it. He knew when she got anxious before, when things really affected her, but now they seemed to be clearer than ever. This had weighed down on her so heavily throughout the day and had left her stressed to no end, and Ken internally cursed the fact that he hadn’t insisted someone stay there with her to try and help ground her before her meeting.
The man swallowed hard and ran a hand through his hair as he looked at his wife.
“Is it ok if I take the pillow now?” he asked slowly. Yolei remained quiet, but then slowly nodded.
“If you’re ok seeing your wife look so pathetic,” she droned quietly. Ken slowly leaned over and pulled the pillow from her, setting it down next to her. Her nose was red from running so much, and her eyes were red, puffy, and tear-stained. She squinted up at him, adjusting her vision to focus without her glasses.
“I wouldn’t say pathetic. I’d say beautiful. In a lot of pain, but beautiful as always,” he told her. Yolei’s brows knitted together as she sniffled.
“I’m not,” she said simply, unable to help but let out another weak sob, her chest heaving as she did so. More tears began to spill from the corners of her eyes.
“You are,” he said, knowing he had to orient the conversation in a different direction, “Do you want to talk more about how you’re feeling?”
She let out a long, low sigh. It was clear from the look on her face that the answer was “no”, but she was silent, and her lip wobbled for a moment before she whispered, “Yes.”
“I’m such a mess,” she huffed out, “I can’t even do a fucking contracting job right.”
Ken couldn’t help but wince at her curse, silently thankful that Hawkmon and Wormmon were able to keep Haruka preoccupied.
“What happened at the meeting?” he asked finally.
“I sent them the song and they hated it. They trashed it immediately and then they kept telling me I didn’t know what I was doing,” she paused, and then sighed, “They’re right.”
“That’s not…” Ken started, but Yolei continued.
“I was working on this for months and I just completely messed it all up. If I can’t even do one project for some stupid indie film, then how am I going to be expected to do actual big work again one day?”
All he wanted to do was argue, but for now, he stayed quiet. Maybe he just needed to let her… speak her mind. Let it all out and get it all off her chest, and then he could try and shoot down each of her arguments against her.
“And what if they hate this next attempt and don’t want to pay me? Then we’re so screwed and I’m never gonna get work again and we’ll be even more screwed. All because of me.”
She trailed off, before letting out a sad laugh, “You, Hawkmon, Wormmon, you guys would all be way better off without me.”
Ken felt his chest clench, “Yolei—”
“And what about Haruka? One day she’ll probably have a massive anxiety attack and it’ll all be my fault. It-it gets inherited, Ken. She’s going to inherit it and it’s going to be my fault.”
“Then we’ll help her get through it. She would never fault you for something neither of you can control.”
Yolei’s gaze fell down, “She’d be right to, probably. So would this one.”
The air was pushed from Ken’s lungs, and as soon as he recovered from the way her words left him reeling, he was quick to speak.
“Neither of our children would ever hold this against you. You have to believe that,” he said, before offering her a small smile, “Do you think Haruka could ever be mad at you? You remember how happy she was when we found out her partner was Pururumon, right?”
A weak, mirthless chuckle bubbled from Yolei, “It was like Christmas for her.”
“Exactly,” Ken smiled, “And… if Haruka ends up having anxiety, then she has you to help her with that.”
“Maybe she would, but-but still— you, and Hawkmon, and—”
“We wouldn’t be better without you,” Ken said immediately, “I said earlier that we’re lucky to have you, and I mean that. You’ve done a lot to help Wormmon and I, you know that.”
“And Hawkmon… Hawkmon is your partner, Yolei. He could never hate you.”
“But…” she argued weakly.
“Yolei,” Ken started as he took one of her hands in both of his, “All of this is a lot, but… it’s a part of you.”
He cringed at how poorly that came out.
“Sorry, I just mean that… yes, your anxiety has been a lot on you, but for better or worse… it’s just a part of who you are.”
“For worse,” Yolei cut in with a huff.
Ken went quiet again, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of something to say that could help. Every direction he went, she cut off his attempts to try and assuage her anxieties. It had clearly been a tough day, and she was still reeling from all of this, even now.
“Do you want dinner? We picked up ramen,” he offered. A hint of brightness shone through in Yolei’s eyes at his words.
“Y-Yeah?” she choked out hopefully. Ken nodded.
“Davis even packed a second portion for you, because you’re eating for two, as he said.” Another weak cry left Yolei’s lips, though this time he could tell from the look on her face that she seemed happy.
Something bright to help start to break through all the gray that had fallen over her.
“I guess even he can be smart sometimes,” she said, her words light, teasing, and lacking any of the bite they held back when they were bickering preteens who were almost always at each other’s throats.
“I’ll go get our food ready,” he said, starting to stand up, though she grabbed onto his sleeve.
“Um,” she started abruptly, quiet as she started to think of how to verbalize what she wanted to say, “Can we… eat in here tonight? I’m just not ready to see them yet.”
“Of course. I’ll be right back,” he said, her grip loosening so the soft cotton fell through her fingers.
A part of her was scared to have him leave. What if after today, even a brief trip to the kitchen proved too much?
No, no no no, she heard him: they were lucky to have her, Haruka loved her, and Hawkmon was her partner for life. He meant that, right?
He was back not even five minutes later, and she let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding as she saw his silhouette in the frame of the door.
“You’re back,” she said quietly.
“What was that?” he asked. Yolei sucked in another breath and cleared her throat.
“I-I’m so hungry,” she stuttered out, “It’s just set in that I didn’t even eat lunch.”
“Well, it’s a good thing we had Davis’s foresight to help out,” Ken joked lightly, and Yolei responded with a playful eye roll.
“Yeah… I guess I’ll text him a thanks tonight,” she said as she started to push herself up. Once she was leaning back against the headboard, Ken handed her the first bowl of ramen. She opened the lid, cracked apart a pair of chopsticks, and began to dig in. Ken sat at the edge of the bed again, following suit as he plucked out a piece of pork and started to eat.
He’d have to text Davis thanks, too.
The two ate in silence, with Yolei ravenously eating and Ken taking his time, just happy to see his wife doing better. Thankfully their Digimon partners had been doing a good job in keeping Haruka preoccupied, asking all about her day with her grandmother.
Partway through her second bowl, Yolei loudly slurped some of the broth before she looked over at Ken, who was still picking at the last few mushrooms and bean sprouts in his mostly empty bowl.
“…I’m sorry,” she sighed.
Ken looked at her and blinked, chopsticks in his mouth as he had just taken another bite of food.
“What for?” he asked after he swallowed.
“For… being so much trouble earlier. And arguing with you now,” she told him, and a gentle frown settled on his face.
“You don’t need to apologize, Yolei. We’re partners, and you would do the same for me.”
Yolei nodded slowly as a few tears began to stain her cheeks again.
“I know, an-and like I said, I’m sorry for arguing with you. I’ve been so stressed out and everything just piled up and I felt so…” she trailed off, then sighed, “…Useless. Like I’m just a burden.”
Yolei’s shoulders slumped and she looked down at the bowl in her lap blankly, eyes focused on the little bit of broth left.
“I know this has been tough on you. But you’re not a burden. I’m always here to remind you that,” he said, leaning forward to wipe the wet from her cheek.
Yolei sniffled, tears welling up in her eyes again as she shivered from his touch.
“I-I just have to ask… you’ll never get sick of me, right?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper. Ken froze for a split second, but then immediately shook his head.
“No. I promise, I never could,” he assured her, his voice just as low and his words meant only for her. Yolei swallowed hard, but relief flowed through her whole body.
“A-And you’re happy with where we are?”
“And Haruka is happy? Sh-she loves us? She loves—”
“She does. You should have seen how much she missed you when I went to pick her up,” he said, and Yolei smiled.
“We can go out there if you’re up for it? I’m sure they’d all be happy to tell you,” he added.
“Can I finish my ramen first?” she asked timidly, “It’s just… really good… and I’m so hungry…”
Ken laughed, “Of course.”
It didn’t take too long for Yolei to finish eating, after which she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Ken offered her his hand to help her up, and they took a slow walk out to the small living room of their apartment.
Coloring books and toys were scattered around the coffee table and the rug, and Haruka was busy coloring in a drawing of Wormmon and Hawkmon while Hawkmon watched. Wormmon was carrying Pururumon on his head, who happily babbled as they did laps around the dining room table. As soon as Ken and Yolei came into view, Haruka’s head shot up and she beamed instantly.
“Mommy!” she shouted, dropping her crayon as she ran over to give Yolei a hug. Yolei wrapped her arms around her daughter and closed her eyes, reminding herself about what Ken said.
“How was your day?” she asked. She could feel the worried look that Hawkmon was giving her, and when she peeked one eye open she saw that she was right on the money.
“It was good! Pururumon and I had lots of fun at grandma’s! And look! I drew this picture of Hawkmon and Wormmon!” Haruka said, breaking from her mom’s hug to run and grab the picture, holding it up to her.
“I think she caught my good side really well,” Wormmon said as he turned to look at Yolei and Ken.
“It looks great, sweetie,” Yolei told her with a big smile, “She did, Wormmon,” she added. Wormmon brought two of his claws up to his face as he blushed gently.
“My dear, are you feeling better now?” Hawkmon asked. Yolei grimaced for a moment as she thought about it. Did she feel better? …Not entirely. But she was getting there. Slowly.
“…Mostly, yeah. I think I’ll just need to sleep this off,” she told him.
“Did the picture help?” Haruka asked hopefully.
Haruka cheered and started jumping in place happily.
“Mommy’s just going to sit down real quick…”
It took a bit to make her way over to the couch, the exhaustion from all that crying and sobbing having drained most of her energy, even after two full bowls of ramen, and the pregnancy definitely wasn’t making it easier. She wasn’t quite at the point of waddling yet, but she’d be getting there soon enough. She sat down next to Hawkmon, who looked over at her, concern still clear on his face.
“You’re sure you’re doing alright? Ken had mentioned what happened earlier and…” Hawkmon trailed off, not wanting to elaborate too much with the little one around.
“I’m doing a lot better than earlier, I promise, just…” she paused, afraid of asking, but she still had to know, “You’re… happy as my partner, right?”
Hawkmon’s eyes went wide, then he gently patted her arm, “There is no one else who I would’ve rather had pulled out the Digi-Egg of Love all those years ago.”
Yolei blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill again, and she leaned over to hug him.
“Thank you,” she whispered, and Hawkmon returned the hug.
“We have been through a lot and we will go through plenty more, I’m sure. If you ever need me to assure you that I am happy to be your partner, do not hesitate to ask.”
She opened up to Ken today, and had opened up to Hawkmon again… It wasn’t easy, but if she could keep going, keep doing this when things got tough and she felt like she was barely treading water, maybe it would help her see the good things more easily.
Even right now, she was still treading water, but seeing how happy her daughter was to see her, the unrelenting kindness her husband offer, and the meaningful words her partner offered her…
They really were just as lucky to have her as she was to have them.
Haruka clambered over to the couch and pulled herself up to sit next to her mother. She looked up at her and began to kick her legs, “Mommy, can we watch something before bedtime?”
“Haruka, I’m not so sure—” Ken started, taking a step forward. Yolei raised her hand and shook her head.
“Just for a little bit. But then you have to go to bed, ok?”
Haruka pouted and nodded, “Ok…” she said, before she leaned into her mother happily. Ken smiled gently and walked over to Wormmon to pick him and Pururumon up, and then moved to the couch, letting Haruka grab her Digimon before he sat on his daughter’s other side.
Just relaxing on the couch with her family, she could already feel herself getting a bit tired, but that wasn’t going to stop her from enjoying this little bit of family time. She yawned and grabbed the remote, then handed it to Haruka after, who quickly flipped through the channels before settling on a rerun of a magical girl anime she was a fan of.
“Ooh, this one’s really good!” she squeaked happily before gently petting Pururumon.
She could still feel that buzzing in her head, the voice in the back of her mind trying to scare her, but Yolei looked at her family and their Digimon partners, and let out a gentle sigh.
She had a good life with a good family, and she was going to do her best to keep reminding herself of that now and each day when things got rough. Maybe it wouldn’t always work that well, but she just had to believe in that.
As hard as it was, she just had to try and believe that she was capable of all the work her brain told her she wasn’t of earlier, and that she had the lifelong love of a family she thought she didn’t deserve. Because right now, as she looked at her daughter giggling, at her attentive partner, and at her happy husband, for the first time today she was slowly starting to feel at peace.
