Monday, the sun was shining so we went to the coast for a walk. I wasn't supposed to be at work but manager asked me to go in 4-10pm so we still haf plenty of time. It was really cold and foggy by the sea but still a lovely walk and we sat in our favourite spot and had chips and hot chocolate.
Today I'm hormonal af. I had warned Matthew a few days ago that I could feel myself getting really irritable, but this morning when I was stressing out looking at houses and not getting anywhere, he was talking about moving to the other end of the country for an internship he wants to do, and just kind of expecting me to drop everything and go with him. Which of course I would but I had just spent 2 hours scrolling through letting websites looking for a nice little house for us to move into, get settled and stay in for a few years until we can afford to buy a house of our own - and then he said that and I feel bad but I was so annoyed. Like why am I even bothering trying to find us a nice home if we're potentially not even going to be living here? What about our families etc? My job where I have only just now, after 9 months, started to come out of my shell and make meaningful friendships?! I went in early today to ask Manager for advice. I sat down and explained I just feel like everything is fucked and I feel so bad now bc his first question was 'well do you love him bc you have to make compromises' and I feel so bad bc now I realise I was just being selfish. Like, these internships are so hard to come by and of course I would want him to do it if he gets accepted. I can totally transfer to one of our stores down there and then come back to my current store when we come back. But then what if he finds a job there off the back off the internship and we don't come back?! I don't want to live so far away from my family. And like I said to my manager that I would just be gutted if I had to leave our store bc I really like working there, I've finally started to get a bit more confident and actually speak up a bit and I just don't want to have to start all over again. And bless his little heart he said if I was worried about friends he'd come and visit me when he and his girlfriend are there visiting her family bc that's where she's from 😭😭 which is so so sweet of him but I just feel bad now I've had the day to think about it. I feel like the glaring answer is to go with Matthew and just see where it takes us. Either we'll come back or we won't. Maybe we're not supposed to find a house and settle down yet. It just kind of freaks me out how uncertain every aspect of my life is after August since that's when the lease on our flat runs out. I'm happy at my current job bc I'm gaining a lot of experience and there are definitely opportunities to progress but I'd be putting any kind of other career plans of my own on hold to go with him. And idk am I just being selfish bc I don't even really know what I want career-wise and he does so surely we should work towards his goals first?? Yikes. This has been a rant. But that's what's been playing on my mind today. Other than worrying constantly about it and feeling guilty for being so snappy and horrible to Matthew this morning, all is well I guess. I just got home and am going to make a nice meal ready for Matthew getting home as my way of apologising and letting him know that of course I would go with him to another city where he would have an awesome opportunity. Bring on my rest day tomorrow so I can try to get my head straight 🙄
