How Each CKY Guy Would Handle Secretly Dating You [circa 1999-2006]
I love doing these headcanon-y “would include” things whenever I get writer's block while working on fics! This one includes Bam, Ryan, Dico, Raab, Rake, Jess, and Novak. Some very mild NSFW stuff for a couple of these, but nothing explicit at all, just allusions to sex.
Tag List: @eyesofaliar
Bam Margera:
Honestly, Bam is by far the LEAST likely to WILLINGLY get into a secret relationship with you in the first place.
We all know that Bam is dramatic, a total attention whore, and someone who likes having every aspect of his relationship (both good and bad) on display for everyone to see, so I just don't think he'd be willing to secretly date you — he'd want everyone to know about it so he could be obnoxious with you (and to you) in public.
In the *extremely* rare case where he'd decide to get into a secret relationship with you, I think it would have to be for a very specific, self-serving, and probably ridiculous reason. For example, maybe you've been a part of the CKY friend group since the beginning, and everyone always said you and Bam would end up together, and he fervently denied it, so when it does eventually happen he gets all stubborn and is like "We can't tell anyone cuz that'll mean I was wrong and they were right." Something petty like that.
I do think if you and him were secretly dating, it would be in the late 90s or very early 2000s (when he was slightly more chill) and he'd only be able to keep the secret for a month or so before he'd end up being like "fuck it" and spilling the beans. If you tried a secret relationship a little later on, like 2004-2006, I think he'd only last a few days and then he'd impulsively admit to everything on Radio Bam, likely without even consulting you or asking for permission.
The funny thing is that if Bam and you were secretly dating, he'd actually be a lot more convincing than some of the other guys at acting like he doesn't have feelings for you. The way he'd treat you in public would be pretty similar to how he treats everyone else; he wouldn't slip up and call you an affectionate name or be nicer to you than he is to everyone else. Bam's issue isn't how he treats you in front of the guys, but rather his inability to stop himself from doing risky shit with you when the guys are nearby.
I think if the two of you did get found out by the others instead of admitting to it yourselves, it would be because Bam insisted on doing something risky and stupid. He'd want to make out with you in his bedroom while everyone's in the next room, or he'd decide to be a little shithead and insert split-second clips of you and him having sex into one of the CKY videos. He just can't help himself, and that's why a secret relationship with Bam wouldn't be secret for long.
Cute Little Headcanon: I think Bam would grab your hand and squeeze it every now and then while you're out with the guys and no one's looking, just to get a little affection in. I think he also wouldn't be able to resist talking you up when he's hanging out with non-CKY guys he looks up to; Tony Hawk would 100% catch on to you and Bam dating after like 5 minutes because Bam would just keep going on and on about how cool you are and how Tony needs to meet you.
Ryan Dunn:
Ryan’s honestly the complete opposite of Bam in this regard. He’d be totally fine with the idea of secretly dating (at least temporarily, not forever) because he’s already relatively lowkey and private about relationships most of the time anyway.
I feel like he'd be hesitant to propose the idea though since it would make him feel like a jackass (no pun intended); he's fully aware of how scummy it sounds to say he doesn't want to tell people he's dating you, so I think he'd most likely end up only secretly dating you if (1) you were the one to initiate the idea or (2) he was able to fully explain his reasoning to you and get your full approval. He wouldn't force it if you didn't like the idea.
I’d say if you weren’t a pre-established member of the CKY/VLB friend group, Ryan would consider keeping his relationship with you secret as a way of protecting you and your privacy. He wouldn’t want you having to be targeted with the guys’ pranks or having invasive details about you leaked on Radio Bam. If you were a member of the friend group already, I think this would be less of an issue and he’d just want to do secret dating to avoid both of you constantly getting shit from the guys for supposedly “throwing off the dynamics” of the friend group by being together.
The funny thing is that while Bam hates secret relationships but would actually be pretty convincing, Ryan would genuinely kinda suck at trying to act like you and him aren't together. His poker face wouldn't be very good, so if he tried to say something mean or "unboyfriend-ly" to you in front of the guys I think he'd be trying so hard not to smile and it would look hella suspicious. I also think he'd let pet names slip out on accident, especially 'baby' or 'babe.'
Even with the slip-ups, I think everyone wouldn't start to catch on for at least a few months. If Bam confronted you, I think he'd be such a smug dick about it that Ryan would stick to his guns and deny it just to be stubborn, but honestly if it was anyone else he'd probably just give up and be like "fuck it, yes we're together" and leave it at that. If no one confronted you guys, I think the secret relationship could easily continue for over a year before you and Ryan would finally decide to tell everyone — except everyone would already know and would find it hilarious that you guys sincerely thought they didn't.
Even once everyone knew, I think you'd both remain pretty lowkey about it and would stick to your guns about maintaining privacy or about not letting the other guys give you too much shit for being together. Unlike Bam, Ryan's not trying to fuck you in public places or slip clips of the two of you making out into a CKY project for fun.
I do think the guys would start a running joke where every time two people in the friend group get into a fight, someone else will immediately blame you and Ryan's relationship for causing it. Could be a yelling match between Dico and Bam, Novak getting the shit beat out of him by Frantz, or Rake trying to strangle Raab for whatever reason; whatever it is, someone will instantly point to you and Ryan and be like "This wouldn't have happened if you two selfish assholes weren't fucking each other. You're tearing this group apart!"
Cute Little Headcanon: One of the biggest giveaways that you're dating would be that Ryan physically would not be able to resist sitting next to you at every possible opportunity. He'd knock Bam or Raab on their asses trying to sit next to you in the car or would shove Novak to take the barstool beside you at a club, and then everyone would exchange looks and ask him what his deal was. His brain just can't help but prioritize sitting with you over keeping the secret.
Brandon Dicamillo:
Unlike the two previous amateurs, Dico could keep your relationship a secret forever without an issue, and that's not an exaggeration. It would also be completely his idea, and I think he'd stand by it even if you didn't react well to it initially.
In the earlier days, like pre-2004, I could totally see him wanting to do it as a bit. He would find it hilarious for the two of you to not tell the guys that you're together for a couple years and then to suddenly kiss each other and talk like a couple in front of them and completely shock them. He would love the idea of being able to be like "well technically you guys never asked if we were dating, so it's not like we lied." Honestly, he'd probably want to stretch the whole thing out even longer to make it even funnier, but I don't think he'd put you through that if you didn't want to do it. Ultimately though, I think his ideal ending to the bit would be revealing your relationship to the guys via sending them invitations to your actual wedding.
After 2004 or so, I think the bit thing could still potentially be a factor, but I feel like it's more likely he'd want to keep the relationship secret because he wouldn't want you involved in all the bullshit Bam gets everyone into. He got pretty disillusioned with all the hardcore drinking and drug use and partying and total debauchery, and I think he'd just find it easier to keep you out of it altogether. He wouldn't want you getting called up on Radio Bam just for Novak to sexually harass you and ask for sex details.
That's assuming you weren't already involved with the friend group; if you were, I think Dico would actually be the opposite of Bam and Ryan where he'd be less likely to keep his relationship with you a secret. He wouldn't care about the guys giving you both shit for it, and he'd probably feel more at ease flirting with you and progressing his relationship with you in front of them if you were already close with them as well.
Whether you were a pre-established member of the friend group or not, Dico would be really convincing at acting like you and him aren't together, probably the most convincing out of the entire group. He wouldn't feel the need to force himself to be mean to you or to treat you any differently to avoid suspicion, but he also wouldn't slip and call you pet names or be uncharacteristically nice to you when the guys are around. He's a decent actor who always commits to the bit, and I think everyone would genuinely be shocked to find out the two of you have been secretly together the whole time.
If anything, Dico's commitment to the bit would mean that he'd have a contingency plan in place for every situation. Rake unexpectedly getting back to the apartment early while you're over? Dico's got a natural-sounding excuse that he's rehearsed plenty of times before. You sent Dico a spicy text while one of the guys is looking at his phone? Not to worry: you're listed in Dico's contacts as being Rake Yohn's sister. You'd even participate in the trickery yourself by "casually" telling the other guys intricate, hilarious, totally made-up stories about the girls Dico is supposedly dating or sleeping with at any given time.
I think if you genuinely were upset and eventually decided you didn't want to keep things secret anymore, Dico would relent pretty easily and tell the guys, even if it meant giving up on the bet. That being said, he'd probably decide to go for the complete opposite bit of being a super obnoxious boyfriend in front of all the guys, at least for a few weeks. He'd intentionally bring you up in every other sentence just to piss them off, and would get affectionate with you in the most annoying (but funny) way possible while everyone's there. I think one of his favorites would be saying something really fucking gross or weird, and then immediately turning to you and going "Right, honey?" to imply you somehow agreed with him.
Cute Little Headcanon: Committed actor or not, Dico wouldn't tolerate the guys trying to do something genuinely disgusting or dangerous to you. If one of them physically tried to make a move on you (e.g. going for a drunk kiss or trying to grab your ass or something), or wanted to smear shit on you while you were sleeping, or were trying to force you into a stunt that could actually hurt or kill you, he'd find some way to intervene without giving away his real feelings for you. Hell, he'd intervene even if it did mean coming clean about the relationship. Dico's a lot more protective than most would expect.
Raab Himself:
I literally wrote a fic about this, so you'd think my thoughts on how Raab would approach secret dating would already be apparent — but let me go a little more in depth here!
I don't actually think it would be Raab's idea to hide his relationship with you (at least in the late 90s or very early 2000s), and if anything I think he'd despise the idea. He's not great at keeping secrets, and he'd want to be able to bring you along with the guys and show you off. I think it would genuinely be torturous for him to have to act like he's not with you, especially if any of the other guys tried to hit on you in front of him. If you were already in the friend group it might be less of an issue since he'd still get to be around you all the time (albeit while having to pretend like you're not together), but if you were outside of the friend group it would be excruciating for him. He'd have to either endure not seeing you as much as he wants or try to somehow introduce you to the guys and integrate you into the group without it seeming suspicious or weirdly forced.
I honestly don't know if you and Raab would be able to secretly date if you were a pre-established member of the CKY friend group, to be quite honest with you. I feel like Raab's crush on you would be so obvious to everyone as it developed, and he'd want to tell the guys about it and ask for advice even if they made fun of him for it.
You and Raab were able to hide things for a whole year in the fic, but I think in actuality you'd be able to keep up appearances for maybe a few months. I don't even think anyone would get suspicious necessarily, I just feel like Raab would be exhausted from hiding things and would beg you to let him tell everyone and get it over with.
I'd say Raab could actually be decent at pretending the two of you aren't together if he really wanted to...but he doesn't want to, and that's what would fuck things up. If anything, I think he'd intentionally start sabotaging the secrecy after a while — one of the guys would accuse him of being into you and he'd get all giggly and not deny it, or he'd stare at you for way too long while everyone's talking and wouldn't even try to hide it. He'd be like a rebellious teen about it. And if one of the guys were to hit on you or try to secretly get footage of you naked for a CKY project or some shit? Raab would immediately reveal that he's your boyfriend and would tell them to go fuck themselves. Game over.
I do think that if Raab met you in like 2005/2006 and started dating you then, he'd be more open to keeping the relationship under wraps, and that's the only time I could see him suggesting it. He was starting to get fed up with Bam's treatment at that point and was going through a lot, and like Dico I could see him wanting to keep you out of all the group's insane shenanigans.
Once you and him are officially out in the open, he'd be so excited and eager to be affectionate with you and do couple stuff with you and bring you absolutely everywhere; he'd feel like he'd just been freed from prison! I think even just getting to call you his partner in front of all the guys without hesitation would feel amazing to him.
Cute Little Headcanon: April would know from day one that you and Raab are together...because he wouldn't be able to resist telling her. I can see Raab having little talks with her about how much he loves you and hates having to hide his relationship with you when all the guys are gone — early morning chats where she's drinking her coffee and he's venting and she has to reassure him that he won't have to hide it forever. Also, I think Raab would go to insane lengths to side-step women who are interested in him or who the guys try to convince him to get with while he's hiding his relationship with you; he'd throw up or shit his pants in front of them to gross them out, or he'd come up with the lamest excuse ever, or he'd try to distract everyone by doing a really stupid stunt instead.
Rake Yohn:
A secret relationship with Rake wouldn't be the most unlikely thing in the world...but it would be up there. Rake just doesn't seem like the type to have any reason to keep his relationship with you a secret; he was a lot less bothered by Bam and the others' antics and didn't take nearly as much of a step back as Dico and Raab did, so I don't think privacy would be as much of a concern for him. If you were a pre-established member of the friend group, he still wouldn't see much of a reason to hide it because the guys already give him so much shit, so them giving him shit for dating you wouldn't be a big deal at all.
I think if the two of you opted for a secret relationship, it would just be for the fun of it, whether you started dating earlier or later in the CKY/VLB timeline. Maybe he would want to see how long you both can keep it up, or maybe he'd just find it kinda sexy to sneak around a little.
I don't think Rake would be half-bad at pretending he's not with you around the guys (he would just act normal and try not to stare at you too long), but it helps that he has a legit job as a chemist and isn't around them as much as some of the other guys are. I think he'd have a lot more opportunities to spend time with you alone than the other guys, so it's not like you'd have trouble finding time to do couple-y things together without worrying about the guys catching you. The stakes also just wouldn't be as high for Rake. He's a grown adult with a career and income source outside of CKY/VLB, so he just wouldn't care that much if the guys caught you or confronted you about dating.
I do think Rake would sincerely have a lot of fun playing pretend with you though! I could see him doing a very convincing job talking to you very casually, then as soon as all the other guys leave he'd turn to you and grin with a big thumbs-up or would say "How was that?" (wanting to genuinely hear your opinion on his acting performance). Honestly, he's the most likely of the group to see the whole thing as a form of foreplay and would find it really sexy.
Once the guys find out you're dating, I don't think much would change. They might use the whole situation to rag on Rake by asking him how the hell he managed to bribe you into being his girlfriend, but otherwise I don't think it would impact anything in a noticeable way.
Cute Little Headcanon: I think Rake would eventually decide to spice things up by admitting that he does have a girlfriend, but not telling the guys who it is. He'd refer to you as "the Missus" and would brag about how gorgeous and funny and amazing you are, and then he'd wink at you when no one's looking. What a nerd!
Jess Margera:
My thoughts on Jess are extremely similar to my thoughts on Rake; I don't think he'd see much of a reason to keep his relationship with you secret other than because he finds it entertaining or thinks it's kinda hot. He'd take it by far the least seriously out of all the guys, and it would be super low stakes. What are the guys gonna do if they find out? He's older than them, he's got his band to worry about and isn't really on Viva La Bam or in CKY videos all that much, and he's a pretty laidback dude.
I think if you weren't a member of the friend group, the guys wouldn't know about his relationship with you only because he just wouldn't bring it up much, rather than because he's hiding it or whatever. You'd probably show up one day to bring him food and to give him a little kiss, and that's how all the guys would find out. I don't even think any of them would care except Bam, to be honest.
If you were a member of the friend group, then I think there'd be one valid reason for him to want to keep your relationship a secret, other than for amusement or as foreplay: avoiding Bam's wrath. I genuinely think Bam would be so pissy about his older brother dating one of his friends, even if you were Jess's friend too, and Jess may just not feel like dealing with his bullshit (see my fic about crushing on Jess Margera as one of Bam's friends).
The thing is, if Jess and you were keeping your relationship secret, it would only be from Bam and his buddies. I don't think Jess would hide it from Ape and Phil, and he'd certainly not hide it from his bandmates since he'd want you coming on tour with him. Deron and Chad are real ones though and they wouldn't spill the beans to the other guys, since they know how Bam would react.
Since Jess is usually away on tour or busy with the band in general, he's similar to Rake again in that he'd have plenty of time away from the guys to be with you and to not have to hide his relationship with you, which is why he'd have a lot of fun on the rare occasion where he's pretending not to be with you. It would be like a fun little acting gig he only has to partake in on occasion, and you'd both get enjoyment out of it for sure.
Again, the stakes are super low for Jess, so unless he didn't want Bam to know (or didn't care whether he knew or not anymore), I think eventually he'd just get bored of the whole thing and would purposefully do a terrible job hiding the relationship. You'd both start slipping up on purpose for your own shared amusement (e.g. "Hey babe—oh shit, I mean Jess. Sure hope no one heard that" while Bam and Dico and Raab are standing right there), basically begging for the guys to wise up and realize what's going on. It wouldn't be like revealing a dramatic prank (aka how Dico would see it), but it would be fun nonetheless.
Cute Little Headcanon: I think the second the guys find out you and Jess are dating, Jess would start being very, very loud about you. He'd shout you out constantly during his Radio Bam appearances (and would 100% talk about the whole situation on there while laughing with the guys about how funny it was when everyone found out) and would bring you up on stage during concerts all the time. He'd also casually have your name written on the inside of his hats or on the tags of his shirts, and he'd have you write it yourself as a way of "marking your territory" (he's mostly kidding...but a small part of him is dead serious).
Brandon Novak:
Novak doing a secret relationship would be pretty unlikely, given that he's painfully open about basically everything in his life and doesn't have much of a filter.
However, if he were to keep his relationship with you a secret, it would be for one of two reasons. The more likely/realistic one is unfortunately that he would be doing it so that he could freely sleep with other girls and do deviant shit with Bam and the others without feeling "weighed down" by a committed relationship, and even in this case I don't know if he'd bother hiding his relationship since he openly cheated on his girlfriends back in the day and admitted it on Radio Bam all the time.
The less realistic (but more sweet) reason would be him wanting to give an honest try at having a normal, healthy relationship and not wanting his crazy lifestyle and dynamic with Bam to ruin things with you. For all his faults, Novak would be fully aware of the fact that revealing you as his girlfriend to the guys means having to deal with the guys making fun of him, insisting the relationship will never work out, and giving you an insane amount of shit for being with Novak in the first place. If you are genuinely important to him, he's going to want to avoid having your relationship used as a tool to humiliate him or as a way of stirring up drama on Radio Bam.
The issue with Novak is that he would by far be the most difficult of the guys to have a secret relationship with. He's with Bam almost 24/7, he relies on Bam for money and a place to live, and the guys could take his phone and look through it at any time, so it's incredibly difficult for him to find time to be with you or show you affection or do anything needed for a real relationship. Novak also has a lot of personal struggles, and it would be hard for you to be able to help him in any meaningful way without the other guys finding out about you or (if you're already a member of the friend group) your feelings for him.
The only scenario I can think of that seems even remotely plausible is you being a member of the friend group and living in Bam's house with everyone else; at least that way, you and Novak could sneak into each other's rooms while everyone else is out or sleeping and would have excuses to spend time together.
I think if the above scenario happened, Novak could be really good at avoiding suspicion because he'd just flirt with you openly the way he does with most girls, and you'd just have to act disgusted and uninterested. Even still, I feel like it would just become too obvious that he's hiding something — Novak's not a great liar, and the other guys would 100% notice that he's suddenly not sleeping with every girl he can get his hands on. What happens when Bam wants Novak to hump a random girl on Radio Bam, or when a hot girl comes up to him in a bar and he has to somehow try to turn her down in front of the guys? It just feels like a recipe for disaster.
On a slightly more positive note, if the two of you were somehow able to pull it off and keep things secret, I think Novak would want to reveal the truth after a full year of being with you; the guys may be more likely to take your relationship seriously once they can see that Novak's capable of commitment and genuinely loving someone. He'd still get shit for sure, but I do think the guys would eventually end up rooting for you to work out and would be so pissed if he screwed things up with you or hurt you.
Sweet Little Headcanon: Novak would keep so many photos of you on his phone regardless of how risky it is, and once his relationship with you isn't secret anymore, he'd be showing those photos off to everyone so proudly. I also think on Radio Bam he'd refer to you as "my baby" and would tell all these stories about you that he thinks are so cute, even if the guys insisted the stories are boring/lame.
