#cloudyobservations

[cloudyobservations]

Mental Health #4

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling very unimportant, unneeded, unwelcomed to everyone. It’s that feeling where any type of interaction I have comes across to me as if I am annoying the person I am engaging with.

Every time one of these feelings with a person develops, I used to just disappear, thinking they no longer wanted me around them.

Now I have to wonder how much of that is truth, how much of that is subconscious reaction to past instances - and how much of that is me just wanting to feel needed and wanted in any capacity.

I’ve talked about this in past posts, about the feeling of being needed and important to others in multiple different avenues. It’s that self-validation that you yourself, who you are, is important.

Most people assume that’s coming from a romantic relationship perspective and, in some case, yes, that is very true (and I’ll dive in depth on that in a Relationships post), but in reality it comes from every relationship with every person.

You want to know that your friends want YOU around. You want to know that your family wants YOU around. You want to know that you are contributing to people’s happiness because of who YOU are and how YOU use the skills you have.

I think this is one of the reasons why birthdays are a bit of a hot topic for me (and to be honest, I probably wouldn’t be feeling this as much as I am if my birthday wasn’t in a month). Out of all the days of the year, that is the one day that is yours. It’s there to help validate that you exist in people’s lives and thoughts in some fashion.

It’s not about the gift-giving or anything like that. It’s about knowing that these people around you care enough about who you are and who you are in their life that they take that extra time to send a text message or make that phone call or send that card.

Just those simple things.

If someone ever actually planned a birthday party or some other celebration for me, especially as a surprise, I would probably cry. And then feel awkward by having so much attention on myself.

There is so much out there about taking care of your own self-validation, doing what makes you happy and not worrying about external factors. But some times, you can’t. Your brain is just spiraling, some times because of others. That’s when it takes others to make you feel better.

But you’re alone. You don’t know who you can message, because you’re one of the people who never gets that external validation of your importance to others. 

So you just sit at home and try to find a way to push through and instead end up sleeping or crying into your pillow or putting on some noise to try to distract you and direct your train of thoughts elsewhere.

You attempt to survive and hope that you can because all you end up doing is sitting there wondering if anyone would care if you never showed up again.

Today is a day where I don’t think anyone would. But tomorrow’s feelings may be different.

Who knows.

[cloudyobservations]

Relationships #3

I have a feeling I’ll make more posts on this topic than anything else, even though I could have plenty of topics for the others.

I have a very specific thought I want to talk about, eventually, but there are a few others that I think need to be written for potential context before I do so.

For this post, I think my personal definitions of certain relationships is something that should be explained. I’ve found over the years that the each ‘label’ for the different types of relationships (specifically romantic/sexual in nature, here) are not the same between each person. (Another reason why promoting good communication is important.)

First, I should explain that when it comes to simply dating, I think there are three stages.

The first is when you’re Talking To Someone. This could be before the first date when you’re flirting with someone, but with clear intention to go on a date and/or during the time frame surrounding the first date or two that you go on with a single individual. This is where the entire aspect is open. You have no chains, no ties, no obligations to only be talking to this one individual. It’s tasting to the dish, not committing to the meal, if that makes sense.

Then, you have Dating Someone. For some, this happens once there is a second date. Personally, I would say I’m dating someone when we are past the third or fourth date and are starting to plan to do things that are less meeting up to hang out and instead are doing specific events or planning for the near future (so a couple weeks out). This could last a long time or last a short time.  Typically at this point, I’m exclusively only dating this person.

Finally, you have Being In A Relationship (and then the potential upgrades to Engaged and Married, haha). So many place this label after two dates or after the first month and I never do. I could be dating someone for four months and never say we are in a relationship or that we are dating. Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but I still believe in asking someone to be your partner before stating that you’re in a relationship. Maybe it’s silly for me to hold out so long before saying I am in a relationship. You could say it comes from a fear of commitment. You could say it’s me continuing to guard my heart from getting hurt by not letting myself be fully into the connection.

Think what you want.

All I know is that claiming more from a relationship than someone is willing to give is never a good thing. But that’s a different conversation.

[cloudyobservations]

Life Thoughts - #3

My mind is going down a rabbit hole today.

There’s so many thoughts rattling around and it’s all circling one aspect of my life.

Maybe this post should be under mental health or potentially relationships, but right now it’s not just one thing that’s causing this that I can address, it’s mostly a combination of a lot of things all at once so it’s much more about life in general.

I’m in some ways an impatient person, but as I’m thinking about this one aspect right now, specifically, it’s less about being impatient. It has a lot more to do with trying to enjoy something as much as possible before I know it’s going to be gone.

I don’t even know if there’s really a word for it. I know the negative aspects people can assign to it. I probably look needy and clingy.

I’m restless and jittery even while at the same time, I’m tired and depressed. It’s the worst combination of things to be feeling right now. It certainly doesn’t help that I also did not take a walk with the pup or work out at all this morning due to not sleeping well last night.

Of course, this all probably started some time yesterday to be honest, though I’m clueless to the exact reason everything started spiraling.

I know one cause is probably that while I’m decently introverted and reserved, I’m a person who craves physical affection, even just something simple as a hug or just cuddling close together on the couch while watching something.

Currently, I’m getting a decent dose of physical affection, but I also know that it’s something that may not last. So even though I know I can’t, all I want to do is spend every day getting as much of it as possible,

I feel like the fact that I can’t communicate this to the person without looking crazy is probably part of the reason things don’t always go well - because then I definitely look crazy.

It’s about needing to balance. Between quarantine and the general fact that I usually don’t hang out in person with people a lot, I’m trying to play catch-up on my physical interaction meter to hit zero. It’s almost like being an addict who finally got past the withdrawals and didn’t usually care or crave but now has started up again and needs to get passed the initial excitement of having it back but hasn’t leveled out yet.

That’s probably not a great example at all, I’ll try to explain it better in it’s own post.

I’m also trying to find the right balance with what I’ve been eating and when versus what I’ve been doing while working out and when as well. I know I’m not eating right at current, but I’m not sure where I need to be and that imbalance is probably not helping with where I’m circling around because my insecurities are sitting just below everything, coloring a lot of my thoughts currently.

I guess, in reality, this is just a really long post to say that today is not a great day and my anxiety is currently getting the better of me.

[cloudyobservations]

Mental Health #3

Since I just wrote the Life Thoughts #3 post and my mind is still circling around the physical needs of my mental health, I might as well type this up as well since I was planning to anyway.

Growing up, my family was not very physically affectionate. We didn’t hug often, I don’t remember cuddling up on the couch with my parents or siblings and, to be honest, we just weren’t really openly emotional and affectionate at all.

But for me, one of my “love languages” is physical interaction. Just something as simple as a hug can change my mood in an instant no matter who it is from.

However, I grew up in a house where that isn’t a thing. So I’m very independent and don’t always want any type of physical contact at all and don’t really know how to ask for it when I do. It creates a really weird imbalance in my life that often only gets corrected when I am flirting/dating/in some way being ‘romantically’ attached to someone.

Yet, at the same time, it’s not like just a small dose can make it all better and then I’ll calm back down when I’ve been without that interaction for a long time. I related it in my other post to being an addict and while I don’t think that’s truly an accurate comparison, I wasn’t sure how else to explain it there.

In my mind there is this meter, almost like a thermometer or some other type of temperature gauge that shows where I am within my internal balance.

You’ve got perfect zero right in the middle. It’s where I don’t need any more physical interaction and I don’t need less. I’m at the perfect medium in all my day to day interactions that I don’t feel the need to either hide from people or feel the need to try to seek people out.

Obviously, you’ve got a range - both up and down - where even if I’m not at that perfect zero, I’m in an acceptable average that I don’t notice either reaction in regards to needing more or less.

Then you have the two extremes. 

This is the part where it gets complicated. When within the acceptable range (let’s say -20 to 20 out of -50 to 50) a hug could mean just a plus 5 or 6 to the scale.

However, if I’m sitting below a -20, that hug might not count for a few points - it could be adding 10 or 15 points to my scale, starting to quickly tip me towards the overloaded end of the sensor.

There’s also the times where it’s been so long since I’ve felt actual affectionate physical interaction that I’ve passed craving it, pass the withdrawals, passed the the jittery needs and the gauge is broken because it’s sitting past -50.

That’s where I was at recently. At first I was registering the interaction, but the gauge wasn’t moving so it didn’t matter if I got more or not because I was so used to going without that my brain wasn’t reacting to it at first.

Now I’m at the point where my gauge is finally registering all the physical affection I’m getting and it’s struggling to even move at all as my brain is flooding my brain with happy feelings that the gauge hasn’t starting picking back up yet. I’m craving the interactions so that it will finally begin to push the needle back into the correct range where I can settle back down from this desperate need of affection to just a hug being all that I need.

The worst part of that, though, is that typically it’s one person who I am interacting with (yes, yes, a boy that I’m “romantically” with usually) that is the one - and typically only one - who is giving me the physical affection and so it’s the only person I can ask for more when I’m craving it.

Which then brings us back around to me looking needy and clingy. I have permission to reach out and touch this person. More often than not, I don’t, instead I start to reach out but then draw back because I’m afraid they don’t want me touching them, but that’s a whole different thing that will go under Relationships.

There’s also the risk of suddenly jumping to the opposite extreme where I don’t want anyone to touch me at all because I’m overwhelmed and my brain is throwing danger signals thinking that the person is using my need for affection against me by lulling me into a happy haze. (I never said my brain made sense, did I?)

I haven’t reached that part yet and I don’t honestly expect to at present, but I am struggling to let things happen at both our paces and not to just grab everything I need as quickly as I can to fill my meter back up before he decides not to let me anymore.

It’ll all even out soon enough. It’s just a matter of communication and being patient - for both of us.

Too bad I don’t do well with either of those.

[cloudyobservations]

Life Thoughts #4

Recently, a new thing on Twitter is to explain the different names you are called and how okay with them you are.

I almost went and just did it. Probably still will, to be honest, but I felt like there was so much more to say than what a simple tweet allows, especially when it comes to breaking down my own identifiers. So I’m going to list some of them, explain them, and then rate how comfortable I am with being called them in person/how much I identify with it.

Rayn - Obviously this is the one most known by everyone. This is a nickname that I, and partly my friends, came up with 15+ years ago in high school because my birth name is extremely common and we had multiple people in our same group that has the same name. We all wanted our own and I didn’t like any of the common nicknames, so we landed on this.

When it comes to this name, it is MY identifier. It is who I am, to myself, at my core and when every other name and label is stripped away, this is what will always be left to me. So 10/10, definitely use since this is always how I will introduce myself to you.

Rayndrop - I name I stared using on my Twitter that actually came from my best friend in high school. She would say it like “Rayyyyyyn-DROP” when being cute and it stuck with me. When attempting to make a user name for Twitter, it made sense since I couldn’t use my typical user name I would try to use. Clearly, should be used on Twitter, cause how else will you tag me, but unless you’re my best friend and you’re doing it for a certain reason, it would feel really awkward to hear as that will always be my best friend’s personal identifier for me, so 3/10? Another name that falls with this is Raynie.

SkyRayn - my current twitch handle and the user name I typically default to when starting a new social media account with Rayndrop following if I can’t get it. Obviously this is to be used to tag/promote me where appropriate, but I would never identify with it in person when vocally called it. 2/10

Sky - A typical shortening of my user name, mostly used when other Twitch streamers/friends are responding to me on there. If called this in person, I would answer and would identify with it, but as a personality that I put on. It’s me, it’s always going to be me to some degree, but it’s not who I am. 8/10

Ice Bitch - this might seem like an odd one to put up here, but it’s also something that I can claim as a name and something that I will identify with/as. This actually comes from my first boyfriend in college. Even before we started dating, he had actually saved my number under said name in phone. I’ve always been a sarcastic, defense and, yes, mean person at times.

While this may have started off mostly as a joke, I have taken it on as my own. Just like Sky is a personality I put on, so too is the Ice Bitch. When I know I’m in a mood where I’m defensive, rude and some times cruel, I’ll use it to identify myself. What started off as a joke has been reclaimed as a warning to not take what I’m saying to heart as I’m just trying to protect mine. I would NEVER want someone else to call me this unless it is a very close friend with the right friendship (or, as the main current case, the right past relationship) to use it as I know they would be teasing me. 1/10

Birth Name - Outside of my family and work, I don’t really identify with this name anymore. It helped lead to the creation of my nickname, to who I am, but it hasn’t been me for a very long time. Yet, it’s much easier for my family to continue to identify me with it and work is much easier when dealing with misspellings of it than to have the confusion that comes with reading or hearing Rayn with no context.

If anyone outside of work or my family called this name, it would probably take a few tries for me to register it being said and that it is in relation to me. It’ll always be a core piece of my past, but that’s really what it is now, a past name. 5/10

Common Birth Name Nickname - I think my mom is the only one who still uses any sort of nickname for me. Even that is usually only through email. I really don’t identify with any of these and I never have. There have only ever been one common nickname and one family nickname that comes from my birth name that I have ever semi-identified with and I have never introduced myself with it. It has always been my full name. I don’t know that I would ever realize that someone using any of these would be trying to reference me at all. 1/10.

That said, these are all names that I, to some degree, identify with. These are names and labels that I have prescribed to myself (or, my parents did, technically) that I will always answer to with some degree.

However, I know there are many names and labels that I have had out there that others have called me that I don’t necessarily identify with - and that’s okay. That’s their identifier for me. Even if it’s something as simple as being “the girl with the camera” or the “girl in the arrow dress”, I will always agree to being called that. It means I was there. I was present and I made even a small impact to people.

That’s all I want. Even if they don’t remember me and my identifiers and who I am at the core, the fact that I made something better to the point that they remember me is all that matters in the end.

So call me what you will. That’s your perception and identification of me and you are fully in your right to do so.

I just hope that it is always in a positive light. I could probably right so much more to this, throw in the cliche rose quote from Shakespeare, but what else is there to say? After all, on here, my sole identifier is Cloudy Observations. That’s what all these posts are. Observations made about thoughts that are never quite clear as there is always so much more to it than I know. At least I can acknowledge it.

[cloudyobservations]

Relationships - #2

I feel like labeling this series of posts as “relationships” is defining this in a way that it won’t be. This isn’t going to be all about romantic relationships alone, this series will address friendships, familial relationships and everything else you can think of in between.

One thing all types of relationships have in common is the need for good communication. I’ll be posting a separate entry about dating relationships and communications later as well, but this is the general thoughts on it for the moment.

Nothing is more important than communication.

Nothing is more important than knowing the right way to communicate.

And nothing is more important than being receptive to all communication.

One of the things that I dislike the most about social media and texting is that it feels like almost all really important conversations are happening digitally these days. This is both good and bad for me personally.

I have never been good at articulating what I am feeling and when I’m angry or extremely upset, I shut down. I won’t talk because I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to explain what I’m feeling and past experience has taught me it just makes things worse to try to explain right then instead of taking a step away to process what is going through my head.

At the same time, I’m a writer. Placing a word down on paper and getting to read and clearly see what I am thinking helps me to better phrase and explain what I am feeling to others. But no matter how much I feel I am better able to express myself and be clear in my words, it always seems to be misinterpreted because you can’t see how a person is feeling at the same time about what they are saying.

I always try to avoid having any conversation through text vs on the phone or, ideally, in person but then the problem is that I end up freezing up and not speaking about the problem and issue at all.

I’ve recently needed to dive into some fairly deep topics with a friend and we touch on it through text. Then I’ll brush it to the side a little, saying I want to talk about it deeper in person, yet so far it’s just not happened.

It doesn’t help that I feel they are a lot like me in that regard which makes it a little harder to then have a conversation when neither party is wanting to start it.

Maybe that’ll be one of the good things that comes out of this - maybe I’ll start having my thoughts more in order before hand and have more courage to have the tough conversations.

It certainly can’t make things worse while I’m trying to avoid hurting either them or myself.

[cloudyobservations]

Mental Health #2

I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself the other day.

A Sunday a few weeks back, I was looking forward to hanging out with a friend (we are talking in a really good mood excited) when they had to postpone on me.

This always sends me into a low even if they have a perfectly good reason and that reason has nothing to do with me. Past experience always makes me initially start to think they are blowing me off and just trying to “politely” push me to the side until I give up.

This post is not to say that didn’t still happen - it did, it’s always going to happen. I’m sure there is something that even though the result is not that bad thing anymore it still makes you think these type of thoughts as well.

But I actually handled it relatively well.

Something I do when I’m home on the weekends, but even more so when I’m feeling low is I eat. I’ve been lucky that I’ve never been a person who eats a lot at one time, so I’m not 300 lbs or something (though I am unhealthy, as I’ve been expressing in the fitness posts) but I’m still a person who eats when they are sad and that does lead to either extra weight, a general unhealthy feeling or both.

I won’t say I didn’t eat - that would be a lie - but it was almost dinner time and I didn’t eat anything extra. I didn’t sink down on my couch and ignore the world (a thunderstorm also made that a little impossible). Instead, I finished my laundry. I talked to a friend. I watched some twitch streams of my friends.

I did go to bed early. That’s something else that commonly happens when I’m feeling low. I just want to sleep - or at least get lost in dreams versus continuing to dwell on reality. So I didn’t do too well with that, especially since I also didn’t sleep well.

But it’s a start at being a little better.

I’m not sure what I am attributing to doing so well with that yesterday. The healthier diet? Working out? Just being in enough of a good mood still?

Maybe I just expected it enough that I didn’t react as negatively. Maybe it’s because of which friend it came from.

Who knows? But I hope the trend continues. And I hope you guys find ways to be better during your reactions and lows too.

[cloudyobservations]

Life Thoughts #2

I’m actually getting more than I thought out of my head today.

I went back to look for an old post because I knew I had written on a specific topic before.

And I realized how ever year or so, I seem to always post about the same things in the same way.

Take the fitness journey post from a few days ago. I have two previous entries on both trying to start up in fitness again and also about the “skinny-shamming” that I some times feel from my friends.

Which made me stop for a moment (briefly, before beginning to type this and around all these calls coming in at work) and wonder why they are almost all the same.

What is keeping the situation from changing?

Is it the environment I’m in? Is it the friends I surround myself with? Is it the relationships I’ve been forming?

Or - the worst thought of all - is is just me self-sabotaging myself because I don’t know better?

So much of life comes at you hard and fast and you don’t get a moment to stop and absorb what really just happened and how it’s effecting you. Probably another big reason to be a big fan of therapy.

Most likely, for me anyway, it’s a combination of past experiences and self-doubt. When you’ve tried to talk about trying something new or wanting to change something and yet the response around you is negative, you’re not always going to have the determination to prove that person wrong.

Some times, the negative response just weighs on you.

But that’s a topic for Mental Health.

So where am I really in life right now? Going backwards, standing in place or moving forward?