So I was reading The Nonexistant Knight, sitting next to my friend in the library, and RIGHT in the middle there is the most ABSURD, COMICAL, MONSTERFUCKING, and I think asexual? pseudo-sex scene ever. I was dying trying to decide whether to talk about it or not, but we were in public so I just annotated the shit out of it and resolved to talk about it here.
(Warning: this got LONG. Also spoilers for chapter 8 of the 1959 Italian novel The Nonexistant Knight ig)
ALSO WARNING! SEX SCENE DISCUSSION IN HERE!
The entire thing was so ridiculous largely because the entire deal with the nonexistent knight, Agilulf, is that he Does Not Exist under there. He’s essentially an enchanted suit of armor walking around Medieval France by sheer willpower with a hyperfixation on being the perfect knight. And The Perfect Knight is supposed to be virtuous and not fall to temptation and all that, blah blah blah. So you wouldn't think he'd be DTF.
This conclusion is also supported by his nature of being, well, Nonexistant. They explore earlier in the novel how he doesn't need food or water or sleep (in fact if he sleeps he'll die because of losing concentration on existing) because he doesn't have a body, and so he lacks a lot of the things on human existence. More than that, he also lacks out on bodily desires and emotions, like lust or anger or any of that jazz. He’s like, the epitome of rationality and logic. He's really only shown to take pleasure in showing off how logical and knowledgeable he is by giving people advice in the form of Ye-Olde Wikipedia-Style info dump; especially if they’re confused or emotional and he gets to show off how unaffected he is. Honestly, most of the other knights in the book hate him for being such a stickler for the rules.
Basically he doesn't seem to care about anything lust, and I had figured him asexual for most of the book. This book actually has a lot of characters that explore gender and sexual identities, in the subtle old classic book way that's just like "hmm, yes they had quite a queer way of thinking! That's just the way they are though".
But I'm getting off track. THE SITUATION THIS MAN GETS HIMSELF INTO.
He starts off by running into a frazzled girl with torn clothes on the road crying that her lady- The Widow Priscilla - is stuck in her castle, which is being sieged. By...bears. A "flock of bears" (which she somehow got away from with only artful tears on her clothes). And indeed when they go to the castle, "everything was black with bears", that's how many bears there.
Now, right before they came up on the castle, the knight encountered a beggar who was like "HEY man. Priscilla is BAD NEWS. She TRAINED those bears HERSELF. This is her trick to lure knights to her castle and satisfy her insatiable lust! I'd know, she did it to ME! And I've been reduced to RAGS!" and Agilulf is just like. "Well that Certainly Sucks for you. However, I Simply Cannot turn down a young woman who came up to me in Tears requesting my Help. It would go against my Virtues as a Knight! So Goodbye." And the beggar is like “well what about her insatiable lust though!!!” To which he awkwardly replies “well uh. I don’t think that will…be a problem for me…” because he doesn’t wanna explain to this beggar that he is an empty suit of armor and is physically incapable of the things he’s worrying about.
But anyway then he charges the castle, slaughters the shit out of most of the bears, the rest run off, and the lady of the castle comes out with a full welcoming party like "Yay! You did it!" (The maid who led them there seems to mysteriously have reappeared in the castle after she only "hid" in a bush a little ways before where the bears were, so it's obviously true that the bear scam was real and they had like a secret passage for the guide)
Agilulf walks in all gloomy and grave and stiff because he's like Oh My God now I have to assure this lady it's over and then turn her down. But before he can say anything she's like "Oh don't worry Knight! I know of you, and of your condition (nonexistance). Knowing this, I'd like you to stay the night...it has been for long my ardent wish to meet you". And he immediately perks up like oh! ok :)
So she invites him to dinner like “hey I know you can't eat but (*hair tuck) HOWEVER else could I show my gratitude?” and so he just fiddles with the food and breaks a couple of pieces of bread off because. Y'know he can't eat. You lift his visor up and there is nothing.
But then she starts a conversation and he LOVES talking so he talks about all the different types and manners of banquet there are and then talks about knightly stuff, giving adequate pauses for her to add stuff to the conversation and asking her questions. And in the narration it's kind of implied that he's like. Haha yesss. I am making the Perfect Conversation :). (Again, he loves routines and doing things exactly as they are supposed to be done.) And Priscilla is just like, oh ho ho how delightful! Which is a rare reaction in this book! So you’re already kinda like “hmm, is she putting on an act? Or does she actually genuinely like him?”.
After a bit more talking, she calls in some singers which he CAN enjoy without a body (unlike the food), so he clangs his fist on the table alongside the melodies and info dumps on the origin of the songs they're singing and teaches them some compositions that usually get played for King Charlemagne and they have a great time.
THEN, she makes all her ladies in waiting leave the chamber and its just him and her. And she tries to seduce him now like:
"The sky darkens..."
"Tis night, deep night" admitted Agilulf
"The room which I have reserved for you..."
"Thanks. Listen to the nightingale out there in the park."
"The room which I have reserved for you... is my own..."
"Your hospitality is exquisite...'Tis from that oak the nightingale sings. Let us draw close to the window"
But Priscilla cut this off short. "What the nightingale sings about is love! And we..."
"Ah love!" cried Agilulf with such a brusque change of tone that Priscilla was alarmed. Then, without a break, he plunged into a dissertation of the passion of love. Priscilla was tenderly excited.
I NEED TO POINT OUT: “…you’re sleeping in my-“ “WOW listen to that bird song over there” “…you are sleeping… in *MY* room tonight” is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. This guy does not GAF.
But yeah he's just completely blown past what she wants to do and changes the topic again and again, but she eventually drags him to her room and locks the door. And then she's like, oh dear, i'm SO cold.
And I think Agilulf has picked up on stuff by now. And he’s not really opposed to it? so he launches into a two paragraph explanation on various scholar's opinions on "if it's better to make love in a cold room or a hot room" and lights the fire for her (because he likes being useful). Then he goes on longer about how long flames typically last and what kinds of fire one can make and if indoor or outdoor ones are better before Priscilla kinda sighs and he's like. Oh Shit I'm ruining the mood. So he puts in some metaphors about the flames of love in there to fix it.
And then Priscilla is like ahh. This bed is so nice... :) and Agilulf is just like oh hey! Bed making is actually kind of a lost art in France you know. And she says oh um. Is mine poorly made too? And he goes well I mean you have a queen bed, that's a good quality one, but well I can't help but spot a fold in there... so Priscilla immediately is like "oh no! a fold?" And so THEY BOTH JUST. MAKE THE BED TOGETHER!!! Agilulf imitates military style, then decides he DOESN'T LIKE IT AND STARTS OVER, upending the mattress on the floor and completely stripping it, then repeating the process several times! And even though they spend like a PAGE doing this and an HOUR in their time Priscilla is just like. omg what a romantic uptaking. I'm so inspired by his striving for perfection.
So then finally the bed is "puckerless" and Agilulf proudly stands back and turns around only to see Priscilla is now naked. Having "chastely" dropped her robes. And because Agilulf still can't really take off his armor he has the AWKWARDEST liar-ass response here, I'm not even gonna try to paraphrase it:
"Naked ladies are advised," declared Agilulf, "that the most sublime of sensual emotions is embracing a warrior in full armor."
LIKE HE'S CLEARLY LYING OUT OF HIS ASS HERE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO RUIN ANYTHING OR REVEAL HIS OWN INADEQUECIES BUT BRO. Doesn't matter though because Priscilla is already like "yeah I KNOW your nature, don’t worry. I wasn't born yesterday".
So she just. Kinda hugs his armor? Passionately? From multiple angles? While he just stands there?
And it's at this point you realize OH. Okay so Priscilla is just a FULL BLOWN monsterfucker then. Like she was PREPARED to "do it" with this full suit of empty armor from the beginning.
After she's "tried all the ways" she flops onto the bed and Agilulf stands to the side and says "oh hey your hair! Allow me to let it down for you". And tastefully undoes her fancy tresses and her hair falls artfully over her body. And then he just looks at her. And he's like. "hmm. But it is more subtle for a man to like an undressed maiden with elaborately dressed hair..."
So Priscilla just goes "oh! Should we...try again?" And Agilulf is like YES and don't worry I will Do It Myself. So he does a really elaborate hairstyle with a bunch of veils and jewels and it takes another HOUR. A FULL HOUR. But when he hands her the mirror ITS APPARENTLY THE BEST HAIRDO SHE HAS EVER HAD???
Finally, she lays down and invites him to as well. So he of course gets in IN THE MOST AWKWARD WAY, still a FULL SUIT OF ARMOR, beside her, "stretched out taut as if in a tomb". And she's like won't you take off your sword? And he replies "amorous passion knows no half measures" and she SWOONS?? Okay girl. Ok.
He lays there for a few seconds more before he's like “hey the fire's going out!” and gets up to light it. So it’s off to the races again, no bed time for this guy. Then he's like hey! Let's look at the landscape. So he princess carries her out, wrapped in his cloak, and they like, stargaze or something.
When they finally get back into the room dawn is already showing its traces, so he's like wow, the dawn light really accentuates your face...and then moves the entire 4 poster queen sized bed to get a better angle on the light. And then CONTINUES TO MOVE IT as the light moves with the sunrise.
And so FINALLY, it's dawn and they've done. Nothing???
So Agilulf switches to his loud Soldier Voice and goes Well! Dawn already. I need to be off on my quest again. And Priscilla was very sad to see him go and like. Never even robbed him or anything like that beggar said? So she definitely really loved him. (Again, THE monsterfucker ever. Nobody in Medieval France was doing it like you, The Widow Priscilla.)
So he just rides off into the distance after having this woman hang off his every silly tangent and side quest he goes on, without really doing the dirty but at the same time having done it? And this is never brought up again.
Essentially, I cannot believe they got freaky in such an asexual (aspec?) way. In an Italian novel from 1959. I think thats the best way to put a sex scene in a book though. (to make it kinda acespec, or unconventional) because it’s either hilarious, entertaining, way more considerate of the plot, or all three.
