"I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life" couldn't be me. I will offer to personally suck off any team of scientists that manages to come up with a singular new medication for my condition that works and has no side effects I can't live with.
I know its kind of silly to say “don’t feel bad for canceling because of pain, fatigue, etc” because I know guilt is a reflex you can’t easily refrain from. But you can reason with yourself so instead I’ll say this:
Nobody can feel what you’re feeling but you. Nobody knows the severity of what you would be putting yourself through if you were to “tough it out.”
If you do “tough it out,” the purpose for you doing the thing will most likely not be fulfilled anyway. You probably will not be mentally present or engaged. You probably will not have a good time or get much out of it. Etc.
If people really have such a problem with it, thats a huge red flag. Being transparent about your needs and boundaries is a great way to weed people like that out of your life.
If you have any kind of chronic illness or disability, remember that you probably have a very warped judgement of what is “reasonable” to endure in terms of pain, fatigue, burnout, etc.
You didn’t ask for this, you don’t deserve this, there is no reason you should have to bear the weight of it alone. I bet if someone else was in your position, you wouldn’t mind helping accommodate for them?
Low energy days are truly sacred, take them seriously. Please respect your body’s signals. “If you do not choose times to rest, your body will choose for you” or however the saying goes
It is so much pressure to have to deliberate what sacrifices are necessary for proper self care. Give yourself extra credit for having to deal with that stress on top of whatever is putting you in that position in the first place. Thats a lot at once
You are leading by example and showing others that you would never expect them to hurt or overextend themselves for your benefit. Putting yourself first always inspires other to do the same.
Please be proud of yourself for even considering canceling and putting your needs first. That is so strong of you <3
A quick sketch comic about Jean's recurring cluster headaches bc I get them also.
I think it would definitely affect his ability to work considering how hard it is to function or even speak/see when these take hold for days at a time.
(Also fun fact for those who aren't familiar with cluster headaches, often your eye will turn pink and swell up as it starts to water and you'll start to cry and sniffle and salivate for no reason. Hence why his eye looks like that.)
"Yeah, sure, whatever you pick is fine," Luke said causing Vin's eyebrows to raise all the way to his hairline.
While it wasn't weird for Lucas to be happy just by hanging out, it was unusual that he didn't have an opinion on food. Something was afoot, obvious enough that even Vince could tell.
"Okay, so I think I'll go vegan today and order the tofu option-" he said, as bait, hoping to get a rise out of Luke. Instead, his best friend barely seemed to be listening. He was staring ahead out of Vince's balcony, off to the park that was in front of their building.
"Something is seriously wrong if you're agreeing to tofu," Vince wrinkled his nose in distaste, clicking out of the delivery app. Whatever, he could whip something up in the kitchen since Lucas clearly wasn't hungry. Besides, priorities. Right now he needed to decode his best friend.
It shouldn't be hard, Luke was, usually, an open book.
"Stop standing there like a statue and come sit down," Vince scolded him, patting the empty space next to him on the couch. Luke turned around, a soft smile tugging his lips up, but not reaching his eyes. Progress?
"So what's goi-"
"What are you doing on your birthday?" Luke blurted out, rubbing his temple as if his own voice was grating on his nerves. Vince paused, surprised.
"Uh-" he let out a little chuckle since Max had asked that exact same thing, "no idea. Whatever Wen has planned, you know how she is-"
"We had planned on having a surprise party on the 5th," Lucas aired out. Weird and getting weirder, Vince thought, frowning.
"Do I need to explain to you what a surprise party is, buddy?"
This earned him an amused snort, "no, I think I got the gist," Luke teased him back, smiling. Vince relaxed against the couch pillows, spreading out slightly, as much as he could when sharing with the other man.
"You sure? Because I think there's a key element that's going over your head, Luke..."
"No, you asshole," Lucas was giggling now. That dumbass smile that had made Vince decide he'd follow this idiot around for the rest of his life, back in his first year of college, "I asked," he cleared up, voice strong so Vin wouldn't interrupt, "because I think the party is not gonna happen..."
"Uh, ma chi cazzo, why not?" Vince cried out, feeling offended. He didn't particularly care for his birthday, in the sense he never planned anything, but Wendy (and by extension Lucas, let's be honest) had spoiled him rotten. He fully expected a celebration of some sort.
"Vin," Luke was shaking with a giggle still, but his voice was serious, "the girls aren't talking... Do you really think it's- wise?"
Like a bucket of cold water, Vin snapped out of his offended but amused mood. Oh yeah, Wendy and Bella were not on speaking terms and judging by how red and furious his girlfriend turned whenever Bell was so much as brought up in passing, they probably weren't making up in the next six days.
Shit.
"Ah... Yeah, you're right... I guess not, that hadn't even occurred me," he rubbed his face, "Bella really fucked up, Lucas."
They hadn't talked about it, ignoring the elephant in the room until it all but vanished. The girl's issue was the girl's issue. Except that it wasn't really. Vince felt a burning pit in his stomach, defensiveness washing over him, as he remembered how horribly Wendy had broken down at the revelation Bell had betrayed her secret. And for what, a little snide remark at Jonah?
"She apologized," Luke's voice was calm, collected, and betraying just how not collected he was about the whole issue. Vince knew, had known way before Wen ever came into the picture, Bella was no joking matter for him. Well, Luke could get pissy all he wanted, that didn't change Bella had made Wendy sob like a little kid, betrayed her trust and hurt Jonah to top it off.
"A measly apology doesn't fix everything," Vince snapped back and Luke's clear eyes squinted, annoyance dancing in them.
"I guess not," he relented, diplomatically, mayor Luke for the win, "but what would fix it then? Proof of how regretful she is through action? That'd require Wendy to be in the same room as Bella."
Vince rolled his eyes, "no need to bring out the formal speech, Luke," he called out the behavior he knew well, "your wife fucked up, she's just gotta deal with the consequences. I'm sure they'll make up eventually, but in Wendy's time, not on Bell's. A break of trust is a break of trust, I'm sure you realize that."
"Oh yeah, I fucking do," venom was dripping from his words and Vince stared at the ceiling, counted to ten. It was like talking to fucking Sophia, sometimes. Passive aggressive idiot.
He bit the inside of his cheek, decided he'd not fall for the bait and shrugged, staying on topic, "so Bella will live."
"Of course she'll live," Luke scoffed, crossing his arms in a defensive manner, "so your party."
"I guess it's cancelled."
"I guess so," but Lucas wasn't ready to drop the subject so they could get back to their chill hang out. Clearly he had a bone to pick, "I want you to come over for dinner. Wendy obviously won't want to come, but it's an open invitation, in case she changes her mind."
"Uh," Vin stared at him, trying to figure out what exactly Luke was playing at here, "uhm- dinner? A birthday dinner?"
"Yes."
"On my birthday?"
"It's a birthday dinner, so yes," now Luke was smiling, for real, using the same tone Vin had used to pick on him about the surprise party.
"Uhhh... Luke, I'll spend it with Wen, c'mon. I'm not gonna ditch my girlfriend-"
"It can be on the 3rd," Lucas shrugged, nonchalantly, as if it hadn't occurred him that oh, maybe Vince would want to spend his birthday with his girlfriend of nearly three years. Yeah, Vince believed that.
"Friday," Vince nodded, slowly, "sure, that'll be fun, just as long as Bell doesn't cook."
A snort, "no, she won't. We'll order in, it'll be nice, right?"
"Of course," Vince smiled brightly at him, "so you don't want Bella to realize the party isn't happening because of her, uh?"
To his credit, Luke did blush. He had thought he was being so clever, Vince mentally eye rolled.
"It's not that- She's just feeling bad enough as it is, she doesn't need even more added to her plate."
"The plate she made," Vin pointed out, unable to help it. He picked at his nails when Luke glared at him, "fine, yeah. It'll be fun."
Luke beamed, a hand coming up to cradle his forehead and rub at it, "so were you planning to tell me Daniels is moving to town or I was supposed to find out by running into him at the grocery store?"
"I doubt you'd go to the same grocery store," Vince blurted out, but his heart did a skip. He had no desire to keep Max a dirty little secret, but he was far from ready to disclose their relationship to Luke, who'd throw a fit. Dating Max, as a throuple, was new and unusual, they were all just figuring out how to do it. Vin didn't need Luke losing his shit on top of that.
"I thought I was your best friend," Luke sighed and he sounded genuinely hurt, so much that Vince considered for a split second fessing up to the rest of it, wasn't it for Luke's following words, "but I guess it's Max now."
"Oh, grow up," Vin rolled his eyes, "we've been over it, Lucas. I can have multiple friends. You really need to get over your aversion of Max, he's here to stay."
He expected some sort of fight, but instead Luke only stared at him, hard and long, for a full minute, "okay."
"Okay?" Vince parroted, surprised, then blushing. Wasn't this what he wanted? For Luke to be mature and accept the situation?
"Yeah, alright," Lucas shrugged, curling up slightly on the couch, "so- he's living with you?"
"No, he's crashing here starting tomorrow, but just until he closes the deal on a new place. It's a permanent change, Luke, he can't crash the couch forever," not that Max had spent a single night in the couch.
"Hmmm- and he's got a job?" Luke was being deliberate in his questions, trying not to imply anything or pick a fight, but Vince felt a swell of annoyance nonetheless. How was this his business?
"Yes, he's teaching at my school. Chemistry teacher."
A cloud of something passed over Luke's features, but just as quickly as it came on, it vanished.
"Nice," he said, with no emotion behind it, then settled further down, "weren't you gonna order food?"
"No," Vince forced out a breath. This was good, no meltdowns... He'd take the win. He got up, "I think there's fruit salad, hold on. Ice cream too, you want some? The real deal, not my fake one."
"Not hungry," Luke shook his head, lowering his glance to his phone as he squinted at his notifications.
Vince rolled his eyes at the childishness, but didn't say anything. He'd take pouting over arguing, Luke was gonna drop it soon. Progress was progress.
He went to the kitchen, then felt a twinge of guilt, so instead of just grabbing the fruit salad for himself, Vin brought over the carton of ice cream as a peace offering, dropping it alongside a spoon on Luke's lap, "here, take it."
"I said I'm not hungry?"
"I don't care," Vin fell next to him with a happy sigh, "okay, put on the movie, what are we watching again?"
"Caught Stealing."
Vince didn't particularly care about heist movies. Mostly he liked historical dramas or political thrillers, so he was pretty sure he hadn't agreed to this choice at all. Whatever, it was pretty entertaining, the problem was Luke's pissed off frown, arms crossed to his chest the whole time, not touching the ice cream.
"Really, Luke? Stop sulking, we're watching what you picked," Vin kicked his best friend's thigh in a friendly manner, since his socked feet had been buried under it. Outside the wind was howling despite the warm day, a storm forming.
"I'm not sulking," Lucas scoffed, rubbing his face, "leave me alone."
Vin rolled his eyes and withstood ten more minutes of that awful, heavy silence. Normally Lucas rambled through movies, to the point they had been asked to leave at theaters before — back when they were drunk idiots in college! — and he always paused and rewound fifty times, since he had the attention spam of a coked up squirrel.
This was so unnerving, the opposite of the chill night Vin had been eagerly waiting for all day-
"I'm heading home," Luke announced, causing Vince's thoughts to come to a screeching halt.
"What? No, you're not, I thought you were crashing here and we were gonna marathon-"
"I don't feel well, I want my bed and my wife."
This was about Max. Fucking hell.
"Jesus, Lucas, stop behaving like a toddler! The Max issue is over, sit back- Sit back down-" much like he would've done with Sophia, Vince reached as Luke got up, grabbing the back of his shirt and yanking at it, shoving him sitting back down, "we're gonna finish your stupid movie and you'll stop acting thirteen-"
"Vince," Luke glared at him, trying once more to get up. He looked pissed off, "let go of me."
"I will as soon as you quit being a little shit," Vince tried to mask his genuine annoyance with teasing. He could still salvage this night, "come on, you know you and Max are not the same at all, right?" Because I'm dating Max and you're basically my brother?
Instead of answering him, Luke shoved Vince's hand away from his shirt with all his force, much more than he ever used when playing around, and Vin let go out of sheer shock.
"Dude, what the fu-"
He never finished that sentence, because Lucas tried to stand up once again, only to lose his balance and go down like a collapsed tower, face first towards the coffee table.
"SHIT, Luke, what are you doing!?" Vince shouted, getting up to grab him. Luke had barely avoided getting his nose split, bracing on the table with his elbow, which must've hurt like hell, because the next thing out of his mouth was a retch, "merda, Luke..."
Vince sank down to his knees in order to try and pull Luke from the weird crumpled position, "are you so mad at me you're willing to split yoUR-LUKE!" He interrupted himself with a shout as Luke slammed his forehead, purposefully, to the wooden table.
Vince's heart picked up. This was so much more than sulking and bad balance, did Luke have a concussion? Was this a migraine?
"Don't- Quit that-" Vince roughly grabbed Luke's chin, stopping him from giving himself a concussion in case he hadn't already and twisting him around so they were face to face.
Ah shit. Half of Luke's face had collapsed.
He had also managed to split his brow on the table and although the cut was minimal, it was bleeding, sticky red running to his droopy right eye.
Vince could have seen this every day and yet it wouldn't be less scary.
"Aw man," he whispered, realizing all the shouting and roughhousing he had been doing probably had just made the pain worse, "that's ok, I got you-"
Luke's eyes squeezed shut, which was a good thing because Vince was panicking seeing the different sized pupils, and he let out a little gag, "gon'hurl-"
"Alright, alright," Vince reached blindly behind him, finding the carton of now melted ice cream and shoving it under Luke's chin. He didn't look particularly nauseous, but the smell seemed to do him in and he rocked forward with a heave.
Vince's heart was drumming in his ears, as he slowly tried to gain control of the situation. He felt an avalanche of guilt as all the previous signs he had missed hit him at once. The shitty mood, lack of appetite, forehead rubbing, squinting and glaring, soft speaking even when arguing.
Lucas jerked under his hand, heaving loudly, and bringing up just a pathetic mouthful of bubbly spit. They hadn't had dinner and clearly Luke hadn't had lunch either. Had he been feeling sick the entire evening?
"You're empty, buddy," Vince whispered, lowering the carton away, "take a deep breath, I'll help you up..."
"M'deez- Urp," he burped up another measly mouthful of spit, "I'm dizzy..."
"I know, I got you," Vin reassured him, wondering if he should take Lucas to the ER. Had he hit his head hard enough to concuss himself? "put your arm around my neck- Yeah, like this," he spoke as he manhandled his best friend into position, throwing Luke's right arm around his neck and hugging his waist, pulling them up.
The second they were vertical, Luke pitched forward with another heave. His head hung and he whined, continuing to dry heave, even as Vince moved them around.
"That's ok, that's ok-" Vince chanted, even as he heard Luke managing to bring up something. A pitiful whine, followed by hiccupy-sobs that shook his whole frame, "shhh, c'mere-" Vince dizzily, panickily, reached out, pulling Lucas' head towards his and hiding his face against his neck, "close your eyes, let me help."
"Jusst- Just give me a minute," Lucas tried to argue, as they walked down the hallway, "I'llbefineandthenI'llgo," he didn't seem to realize how his words were sticking together. Vince felt an anvil sink into his stomach.
"You're not going anywhere, except to sleep," he corrected Luke sharply, putting him down on the bed and taking a small step back to access the damage. He had a mouthful of bright yellow vomit staining the front of his baby blue t-shirt. Luke's face was still doing that terrifying Harvey Dent thing, one eye wide and skeptical, the other one with blown pupils and droopy, tears leaking from the corner, his mouth in a tilde shape, bright blood running down his split eyebrow and getting into the messed up eye.
"I'm sorry," Luke reached to rub his face and Vince winced as he saw him go right for the wound, hand pressing into it like he wanted to open his skull, "made a mess..." he ducked his head, letting out another frothy, empty burp, "hiC-ruined your night..."
"God, Luke, stop," Vince sat on the edge of the bed, "stop, what are you saying? You're not ruining anything..." except maybe for his shirt, "let's get you lying down and comfortable, okay man?"
A minimal nod answered him, followed by Luke gagging as he really shouldn't be moving his head. Vince snorted, then grabbed the back of his friend's shirt, stretching the neckline in order to get it off of Luke without staining his hair. As soon as it was out, Vin balled it up, using the clean side to wipe at Luke's mouth and the bloody cut.
"There we go," he gently pushed Lucas back into the pillows, rolling his eyes as he offered resistance, "don't, just sleep, Luke. I have some of your meds here, I'll get them for you," after that day during moving when Vin had been scared shitless, he'd not take any chances.
"its not hurting as much," Luke mumbled, eyes closing, "not like the other migraines, just- Pulsing. Shiny. Swirling."
"And you wanted to drive on top of this? I'm not that bad of a company, am I?" it was meant to be a joke, but as the words came out, Vin realized just how genuine they were. He cringed, hoping Luke was too out of it to catch on the very real insecurity he had just voiced.
There was a moment of silence, as Vin rummaged through his bedside table turned pharmacy, pushing aside Wen's migraine meds and Max's antiacids and landing on Luke's hard drugs.
"No, you're not," Luke breathed out, rolling onto his side, hiding the fucked up half of his face against the pillow. Now he just looked sad and pathetic and Vince wanted to smother him into a hug. He settled for grabbing his water bottle and popping out a couple pills.
"Here," he held them out for Luke, who took it with shaky hands, gulping down the meds with no water and shuddering violently.
"Urgh, stuck on my throat."
"Drink the water then, dumbass."
"No-" he muffled a burp in his hand, "gonna come back up if I do..."
Vince let out a frustrated sigh, planting a hand on Luke's arm and rubbing it up and down, "no water then," he moved his hand up, swiping his bangs back away from his sweaty forehead and petting his hair, "get some rest. If it's not as bad, it'll be over soon..."
"About Max-"
He was like a goddamn dog, refusing to let go of his bone. Vince sighed.
"My god, Luke, forget about Max-"
"I'll be good," his best friend promised, in a tiny small voice that suddenly caused Vin to second guess all of his decisions, everything he had said all night, "you said- He's here to stay, I'll- be nice and good and you- You don't have to pick."
The fact that he clearly didn't think Vin would pick him was so loud that Lucas might as well spell it out. Vince felt sick. He wanted to rattle Luke and explain to him it was different. That he could love multiple people, all in different ways, that no one was taking his spot.
However, that would require explaining the situation at hand, and even though his heart was breaking, Vin was not ready to face another uphill climb, not when they had just reached tentative peace treaties.
Did that make him a bad person?
"Vin?"
"Good, Luke," Vince gulped down the nausea burning his throat, "that's good. I'm glad we're on the same page," there was a little spot in hell reserved just for him.
A smile tugged at Luke's lips, the half of his face that wasn't crumpled, beaming like a kid, "I love you, Vin."
"I love you too, you sappy mess," Vin teased him softly, continuing to pet his hair, "now quit talking."
The joys of being chronically ill and sitting in a doctors office and scaring the nurses with your BP while you sit there feeling like absolute shit while also looking fine…
Yeah….
Then my doctor comes in and suggests the two illness I’ve been trying to get tested for, for years!
It’s bittersweet, I’m happy I have a doctor now that takes me seriously and advocates for me.
I just know this is gonna be expensive and invasive as fuck.
I’m so fucking tired of feeling so goddamn sick and tired.
It’d be nice if I wasn’t always the one checking in on ppl’s close to me and ppl checked on ME for a change.
I check in with them if they’re sick or having a bad day/week etc & the conversation is never reciprocal. No one ever asks me if I’m okay. How I’m doing. I have 28 chronic conditions, illness, pain issues, diseases. Chances are I’d love to be able to tell ppl how I’m doing but no one does. Sick & tired of hearing I’m sick & tired? Yeah. No sh*t. Me too.
