So many memories. Fingers were aching, the urge to write is insanely driving, forceful as the point of the ice cold sword. Emotions yearn to be expressed, coming in racking waves of urgency. Haunting flute creep to the ears, the plucking of the harp harmonises. Soft melody, indiscernible though in pattern, reach out and intertwines. As music fade out and despairs rise, the meaning rose, increased in volume. Unrecognisable words float in the air like a lost distant exile, hopefully hovering. The hole was still empty, not satisfied, but instead buried itself even deeper, lost in the midst of the melancholy moment.
They say this generation is the most peaceful. Therefore, they are extremely lucky to be a part of this era.
What are they implying? Does this mean that whatever went through, suffered, was incomparable to the previous sufferings?
What if in truth, the pain felt through those “little things” is the same amount as those felt by the loss of the loved ones? What if these “little things” are the same, except the pain was simply magnified? What if the endurance were far more torturous than ever expected?
What if more is wanted? If this so-called peaceful life is not enough, when actually adventure and dangers is needed? What if more lies before the known?
The unknown could be standing still, waiting ever so patiently as the eyes blinked, still close-minded, clueless. If they wanted to not open their mind to the wonders of the true world, at least keep their desire to themselves, not spreading it to their future, as well!
Maybe everything now happened fast. It is true, is it not? Or maybe it is now going in a U, an amazingly endless U that may or may not, one day turn into a confusing W. Long before, there was no waiting. Same species, mates. And slowly it changes. Courting can take months. Then it bounces back to simple dates, where some charm could take the victim to the bed and be done with it.
So maybe emotions and feelings come faster, too.
I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish, really. I’m trying to let go of my thoughts, in the vain hopes that maybe, just maybe the lingering pain would go away, just a teeny little bit. But no, instead , it intensified. Deeper than ever my wound stabs itself, with the help of the torment the world put me through and the music I have put my helpless hands in. I thought I sealed off my emotions, but that was simply for the outer world. They see nothing, as it is not what they wished. Like a pie, my outer would look calm and composed. Or maybe not. Maybe what they would see is an overly active and hyper chipper and chatty girl, hiding the broken minced meat and bleeding cheese. The broken and teared down me.
They said… a lot of things. Two were that you either underestimate or overestimate your pain, and the other is that you are never worthless.
Right now, there is nothing I could wish more than sing to my death, let me be free! Escape the clutches of this world, and let me spread my music; it is vibrating under me, can’t you feel the strength and desire? Under the moonlight, nothing will ever render me weak again, ever. I let my mouth open in a silent, eternal plea.
Tears can’t fall. However much I yearn for then to come, deep down I knew they will never, again. For I had banished them forever.
I lied so much during such a short time.
People who read this would wonder. Truly; what has she been through, to compose such a passionate piece, speaking genuinely as if her heart was broken into tiny million pieces, soul lost and destiny snapped? Then they would learn of my story, and laugh, a tinge of pity and relief, but mostly contempt and viciousness would be clouding their voice. You know nothing of pain, girl.
Maybe I am not as strong as I say. Maybe if I traded place with just one of my friends, they would be able to handle it smoothly, not breaking eye contact, nor a particle out of space.
Even as I wrote this, I feel disbelief firmly rooted in me, shaking my head in denial and a faint yet slightly crazed smirk has made its appearance.
My life isn’t as hard as some are out there. But I would say it is fairly trialling for several who inhabit better lives than me.
Lightless, like my life. Lifeless.
One spark stood at the edge of the tunnel. It doesn’t even realise it was there, or what it was doing to me; keeping me fighting, going through, just barely enough to prevent me from plunging into the deep and dark abyss, peaceful as it was, never coming back, free…
Like all the other lightless sparks, it was scared of me, straying away as if I was a monster, every time I approached it.
The piano has always had a soft spot in my soul somewhere, touching me even where I clearly set my boundaries. Because, I remember.
So I approached it slowly, as if trying not to scare a wild animal away. Trying to forget everything, clear my mind, not caring. Though all others scattered apart from a few who didn’t know any better. One knew good, but was challenging. They wouldn’t care if they knew me. No one does, why loneliness sear up in me, a swift blade that left its job undone. It danced out of my reach again, and after time I learned to keep my distance, to appreciate what I have.
Do I price much? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer. Maybe I am not worthless, but compared to others I am.
My beauty is nothing memorable, my words are dull and boring, leaving no impressions. My grace do not exist, nor does flattery nor wit. Flat and tedious speech is all I have. Awkward laughs are initiated at moments, when needed. No one cares, no, really. Several does only because of their nature to care. None of the rest does. The brilliance always push me out before any other does. Better down than out.
What have I done? Is it of normalcy to experience what I do in a daily basis, the powerful summoning, unstoppable reach, always beyond me, never near enough to stretch and grab…
I am a prisoner in my own thoughts. It makes me crazy, I don’t know what if anyone I can’t now
What happens of tomorrow? The usual, perhaps. Setting off fireworks, wishing for more alive sparks but only finding the one that is always out of reach.
Leaving my feelings to a standstill, as of today.
