ā°āā§ he says itās the last time heāll see you, but it never isā1k words
contains: more plot than smut!! sacrilege (broken vows of celibacy), sex work, age gap (unspecified but legal ofc heās just ancient), guilt, unprotected piv, thomas is a guilt-ridden pathetic old man and i want to fuck him
ā¤ author's note: i was gonna post the benitez fic first but thereās gonna be a delay on that once because i still donāt really know what iām doing so have this lawrence fic and then a tedesco one sometime next week i love these old men so much
thomas lawrence is trapped in a constant, grueling cycle of temporary pleasure in exchange for eternal shame. he doesnāt remember when it started, but it doesnāt really matter when he canāt see the end in sight. his main excuse is the stress heās under, struggling with the faith that makes up his entire identity and considering retiring from his position as dean of the cardinals. although the holy father wonāt allow him to. his words echoed in his mind, āsome are chosen to be shepherds, and others are needed to manage the farm.ā
he hesitates before picking up the phone to call you, knowing the exact sequence of events that will unfold once he does. he could end it right here, do the virtuous thing, and pray for closure rather than indulging in earthly desires as a temporary solution to his problems, but he never does, and his request to see you is whispered.
as he waits for you, heās conscience-stricken over whatās to come, but thereās no one to blame but himself.Ā
youāre gorgeous as always, an example of lust come to life with those sultry eyes and soft lips. most importantly though, you know how to keep quiet and respect the deals you make. you promised you would never say a word, and youāve been honorable about it ever since. you donāt even charge him any more than you would for a usual customer. heās certain that if he were unlucky, he would find himself being blackmailed by you, asking him to wire tens of thousands of dollars to your account in exchange for silence knowing heād gegrudingly oblige since the church didnāt need any more sex scandals than it already had.
you kiss him first, you always do, gently with both hands cradling his face as you pull him towards you. if you leave him to make the first move, you would be waiting all night before eventually leaving without doing the job you were called to do.Ā
he falters for a second, but soon melts into your touch. he so starved for affection from another, the poor thing. itās almost embarrassing how much he needs you, yearning for a younger thing like you, but you truthfully donāt mind it. itās almost cute actually.
feeling the warmth of your skin against his and the weight of your body crawling into his lap is enough to send him spiraling, throwing all of the morals heās held his entire life out the window as his large hands grab the plush of your thighs. he holds onto you like you would disappear at any moment, almost as if he was scared you would escape from his grasp and reveal what was going on with a single whisper. he doesnāt trust you, yet he has no choice but to do so.
the layers between you slip off, and it always makes you sigh at all the clothing clergymen wear on the daily. do they not get hot? itās fine, you have plenty of experience when it comes to removing the religious garments of men and women alike.
thereās a war going on in his mind when you lay yourself down for him, one between his vocation and his need for you. itās his last chance to back out, but when his icy eyes met yours full of want, he caved like he always does. the closest thing to heaven heāll ever feel is the embrace of your velvety walls around his cock, the sound of your gasp when he sinks into you, and the way you call out his name like a prayer, āthomas, thomas, thomas.ā
heās slow, careful, as if too much pleasure at once would break him. heās not used to this, he doesnāt think he ever will be, not when heās already at this age and trained to keep his mind above the carnal appetites of the body. he lost his first time with you in a desperate last-minute resort to alleviate all of the pressures on his shoulders, and his last time ever will also be with you if it ever comes soon. itās wrong, so very wrong, but the constant push and pull that brings him makes him feel like itās worth it at the moment.
when he finally snaps back to reality with your shared climax, he feels an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over him. he shouldnāt be doing this, he shouldnāt be behaving like an animal to relieve himself of his stress and succumbing to lust as if he had no restraint. restraint is all he knows, all heās ever known, heās the dean of cardinals for crying out loud. everyone knows thomas lawrence to be disciplined and reverent, an image of holiness and composure, and example for the rest of his peers as someone who was chosen by the pope himself to manage them. he could only imagine the scandal that would break out if it was discovered what he was doing in secret, how heās no better than anyone else and just another sinner hiding within the walls of the church.
he runs a warm, wet towel across your skin to soothe any aches he might have left on your body, as if he even had it in him to treat you as roughly as another client, the tips of his fingers barely ghosting over your flesh as if he was scared to touch you unlike how he was mere minutes before. his regret hangs heavy in the air along with the sinful smell of sweat and sex.Ā
āthis must never happen again.ā he speaks sternly and autocratically, allowing you to see a glimpse of the noble cardinal he is rather than the pathetically desperate man you usually see, although it seems like heās talking more to himself than he is to you. his tone is so confident that you almost believe that he means it this time.
only for a second though, you know itās far from the last time. it will only be a week or two before youāll receive another phone call from him for another secret rendezvous. heās only a human before he is a holy man, after all.
Summary: āSome people,ā Scorsese has pointed out, āsay itās just a Catholic guilt, thatās all. But itās still guilt. I donāt mean guilt from being late for Mass or for having sexual thoughts. No, Iām talking about guilt that comes from just being alive.ā | AO3 Link
Note: Woman reader, but no other descriptors are used. Your chosen name (aka your "nun" name) is Margarita, but otherwise you're referred to as 'Sister' in this fic. (Not that this comes up directly, but you're a Carmelite Nun. They have high rates of experiencing visions, ecstasies, and raptures compared to other orders.)
Word count: 3k
Warnings: Misogyny, unspecified/undiagnosed mental illness, Catholic mysticism, guilt, masochism, toxic codependency. Descriptions of self-flagellation (I use the term "discipline" for the implement in the fic, which is more specific to the use of a cat o'nine tails type of thing for the Christian practice of mortification of the flesh.) Sexual content involving members of the clergy. Polycule with God?
Nightfall and its accompaniments disappointed you. It had for quite some time, but the emptiness felt paradoxically suffocating that humid summer night in particular, the heaviness of the air filling you with dread and nausea rather than the comfort and peace that encapsulated the rose-tinted memories of the faith of your youth. As a girl, nighttime was when you heard the voice of God the loudest, the rest of the world finally quiet. Felt His vivifying presence in the long, lonely hours. Those moments had become scarcer since you'd taken your vows.
But, for the second time in as many months, you could hear that incorporeal whisper beckoning you to Him, into communion, to carry out His will. Your body trembled with anticipation, heart and mind racing with urgency. As you grew more certain of His pull on that invisible thread inside of you that connected you so intimately, you could hardly keep your composure.
You refused supper, practically a sin to the Patriarch of Venice, who loudly protested, stabbing his fork in the air in your general direction, until you softly explained that you felt led by the Holy Spirit to fast and pray until morning. In all honesty, you had no appetite, and promptly excused yourself from his table.
His gaze burned a hole through your back as you hastily walked out of the dining room. The other sycophants who composed Tedesco's inner circle murmured among themselves about your leaving the meal so abruptly, but you knew well enough their conversations would shift back to the hot topic of the evening in a manner of moments, namely the cityās upcoming film festival. Despite yourselves, you all shamelessly speculated on what celebrities would dare make an appearance at the palace you called home, fearless enough to risk the press jumping to associate them with its radical Patriarch whether they agreed with him or not.
Quick, heavy footsteps echoing your own shouldn't have surprised you the way they did. The firm hand on your shoulder shouldn't have either, abruptly stopping you in your tracks and forcing you to turn around. The blotchiness in your Patriarch's cheeks betrayed either his anger at the perceived slight or the exertion from chasing after you, likely both.
You were his favorite. He made no secret of it, especially since his future no longer involved any chance at the papacy. In the weeks following the conclave, you'd heard his own rantings about BenitezāInnocent, now, with his soft-spoken, milquetoast homilies of peace and tolerance. Hardly the image of strength the Church needed as she struggled and gasped to survive in the modern world, one that shunned her, mistook her beauty for wickedness, her purity as something to be mocked. The Church survived so longĀ becauseĀ of its traditions, not in spite of it. There was simply no getting through to bleeding-heart Benitez.Ā
But you understood his concerns, empathized with his rantings and ravings. Your former Mother Superior had been eager to wash her hands of you because of it. Sent you to Venice to make you Tedescoās problem. Except you were hardly that. Coming into the fold three days after he quit smoking, miraculously, you were one of the only people who didnāt irritate him during his bouts of nicotine withdrawals.
"What's this I hear about your request to serve elsewhere?" he demanded. "You'd leave the diocese, leaveĀ me?"
"I withdrew the request."
"What possessed you submit it in the first place?"
Your eyes widened at his confrontation, wracking your brain for an appropriate response until you finally managed to say, "At the time, I believed God was leading me away from the city and serving a secular mission. I thought He was calling me to be cloistered."
He raised an eyebrow. He saw right through you. Always could.
"When you left for the conclave, I assumed you would be in Rome, to stay. I saw no reason to remain in Venice without you as Patriarch," you confessed.
He sighed. "Ritaā"
Upon taking your vows, you had chosen Margarita in honor of Saint Margaret. An early martyr of the church who may not have even existed in the first place, she resisted the powers that be, the ones that wanted to force her into marriage, to obeying the status quo. So unwavering was her faith, her tenacity, that prior to her execution, when Satan appeared as a dragon to devour her, the cross she so faithfully wore protected her, causing the beast such distress as to slay it. In choosing your name, you hoped to siphon St. Margaret's strength for yourself.
Some of the other nuns called youĀ Margie. He wasnāt opposed to the clergy in Venetian palace giving each other nicknames, plenty of them called himĀ Fredo, but he didnāt care for that nickname bestowed upon you in particular, displeasure evident on his face whenever he heard it.Ā MargieĀ was unrefined, almost too English. To him, you wereĀ RitaāāLike Rita Hayworth,ā he had told you conspiratorially one evening, an amused twinkle in his eye when he noticed the bashfulness in yours.
Rita Hayworth. Not due to any particular physical resemblance, but what she representedāclassic, sensual, befitting the way the two of you had perfected toeing the line of propriety over the years. Hours spent holed up in his office, lending your fluency in Latin to his personal crusades. Watching old movies together over a bottle of wine, the closest you'd ever had to a dateāand to a break-up, when you expressed your opinion that the best depiction of Christ in cinema was 'The Gospel According to St. Matthew.' His eminence protested in near rage. Pasolini was a communist, a homosexual, everything the Church stood against. You countered that perhaps it meant the Church needed better artists.
"Rita," he repeated, "did you hear a word I said?"
"I'm sorry."
Your Patriarch grumbled to himself, taking a hit from his vape. As always, you resisted the urge to grimace, not at the habit, but theĀ smellāstrawberry, then. Juvenile and sickly sweet compared to the strong, heady aromas of amber cologne and rich incense, especially the latter if you managed to catch him not long after Mass ended, frankincense and myrrh clinging to his scarlet robes, so warm and inviting, an ache in your heart at not being able to embrace him, breathe him in and know you were exactly where you wanted to be.
"What's troubling you, then?" he pressed, taking your hands in his. "Tell me."
"I'm weak, your eminence. I beg God for strength, but I can'tāI don't know what I'm doing wrong. And I leech what strength I have from you. That's not right, or fair."
"Women aren't made to carry the burdens of men, you know that."
"What I'm talking about is different. There's more I know I can doāthat I'm meant to do, but it's out of reach for some reason. I can't help but feel you're having to make up for my inadequacy."
"Inadequacy?" he repeated, his voice rising in outrage, hands gripping yours more tightly. "Who put that nonsense in your head?"
Instead of answering, you lowered your eyes to your hands clasped in hisāwarm, safe, strong. You let out a shaky breath. There was no one in Venice whom you trusted more than the man standing in front of you, but you couldn't tell him. It'd be asking too much for him to believe you, let alone understand.
"What would I do without you? You're the only reason my Latin is passible. I learn best from a tutor worth paying attention to," he teased gently.
"You've improved so much since I came to Venice," you admitted, meeting his gaze with a smile.
"Come back and eat," he urged softly. "You can tell me more of your worries, then."
Worries. His use of the word pricked at you. Dismissive, feminine, as if you were some housewife pathetically worrying about what to make for dinner and not a woman crushed by the weight of her soul, or what it so glaringly lacked, to be more specific. If you were a bride of Christ, you couldn't help feel as though your heavenly betrothed wasn't fulfilling His duties as a husband. It made that night all the more important.
You shook your head. "I think I'll turn in for the evening."
His lips pressed in a thin line. Nevertheless, he nodded, releasing your hands from his.
But you caught his bejeweled hand in yours and brought it to your lips for a chaste kiss. "Thank you, Fredo."
He relented with fondness in his gaze. "You'll be the death of me."
You turned to depart, unable then to see him, the way he stared longingly after you, caressing the spot where your petal-soft lips pressed so gently against his hand.
Disappearing down a narrow hallway, then another, though you'd only been there on one prior occasion, your body led you exactly where He was calling you. A small, old chapel off of a lightly trodden annex. The first time you entered, the door groaned awake after years of not being used. It did so again when you reached the place, this time the old door creaked a tired greeting, as if expecting your reappearance.
The forgotten chapel afforded you all the privacy you could need, tucked away as it was, and you didn't bother to close the door behind you.
You breathed in the stale air, chilly despite the warm weather. No one had walked its floors since you last did, everything almost exactly as you left it that night, from the votive candles you snuffed out in haste to the drops of blood spilled on the marble floor, having dried from their fresh crimson to warm rust in your absence.
After making a sign of the cross, you walked up the narrow aisle, three sets of wooden pews on either side of you, to the bare altar. Practically collapsing before it, you gripped its edges, pressed your forehead against the cool stone and whispered, "Magnificat anima mea Dominum. Et exultavit spĆritus meus in Deo salutari meo. Quia respexit humilitatem ancillae suae.ā
Lifting your gaze to the crucifix on the wall, you rose. Four dozen votive candles lay in six neat rows at Christās feet. Taking great care at lighting each one, you used the opportunity to pray for His favor, the same He showed you last time you answered His intimate call to you.
To you.
A shiver ran down your spine upon lighting the last candle, your hand shaking when you set the taper down.
You needed to. YouĀ neededĀ to. The itch you neglected demanded your attention, demanded claws to shred through it and satisfy.
Turning to the altar, you saw the discipline laying where you'd left it at the end of your prior excursion, exactly where you found it when you first entered the chapel all those weeks ago, when it was waiting there for you. Picking it up, your fingers brushed the worn tendrils, leather frayed, far from its glory daysālike you, like the Church.
Gingerly laying it down on top of the altar, you rounded the stone slab, gaze fixed on the now illuminated crucifix as you pulled the bobby pins that kept your habit in place, allowing them to fall to the floor with a soft clatter. You removed your habit, the rest of your clothing, your robes, undergarments, shoes and socks all in a puddle at your feet. Only the gold cross that sat above your breasts remained when you reached for the implement before you.
A soft whimper fell from your lips when it first made contact with your bare back, already having healed from the last time. You'd lost yourself in it, hadn't noticed hours passed by the time you stopped, prostrate on the cold floor, blood tricking down your back. It didnāt even feel like a punishment. Perfectly on the cusp of sexual gratification and Christian suffering.
Your muscles ached as you scourged yourself with increasing intensity, desperate for that release, that connection, the warm bliss that came with being in God's perfect love. Your skin burned for it, back arched up toward heaven, the feeling you so desperately sought drawing you ever so nearer to Him.
"I love you," you cried out in a moan. "I love you so much."
Heat tore through your body as your skin finally broke, sending you to your knees, your cry of ecstasy echoing around you until Your Patriarch's voice cut into the fog of pain and pleasure you found yourself swimming in.
"Stop!" Tedesco demanded with a worry all too misguided. "For the love of God!"
You turned to him, chest heaving, eyes pleading, "That's why I'm here."
He closed the short distance between you, his hand squeezing your wrist until you dropped the discipline. "Where did you get this?" he demanded, kicking it lightly. His face was red, sweat dripping from his temple, curly, gray hair in slight disarray as if he'd been running his hands through his incessantly.
"The first time He called me to meet Him here, it was waiting for me. I felt no doubt or fear, just perfect confidence in knowing I was doing His will."
He balked in exasperation. "Despite what people say about us, we donāt want to send the Church back to some dark age."
"It isn't dark, Goffredo," you whispered, voice ringing with crazed ecstasy. "It's light, blinding lightāthe closest I've ever felt to seeing His face, to feeling the warmth of His presence."
"Does it have to be like this?"
"He asked me to. Who am I to deny Him?"
He took you in his arms, careful as he cradled you against his chest as if you'd fall apart if he weren't there to hold you together. You'd never felt stronger in your spirit, the weakness of your body hardly a concern when it failed you time and time again. Still, you couldn't help the affection you felt at his tenderness, just barely able to hear his whispering, to you, or to himself, comforting promises that you'd be okay, he'd make sure of it.
Some time passed before he moved you from his arms, taking a closer look at your back, the scars from those weeks prior, raised and stark against your unmarked flesh like bolts of lightning striking your skin, the dried blood from this night's excursion, the wound sticky with coagulated blood, still gently weeping a trickle down your back, a small puddle having pooled on the floor.
"You said this isn't the first time. When was it? Why didn't you come to me?" he asked.
"It was two months ago, when you left for the conclave. I didn't want you to go," you confessed, unable to stop yourself from telling anything but the truth while in this state of grace. "I didn't want you to become Pope and leave me. I knew I was selfish to think such a thing. That's when He called to me. I needed Him and He was there because He knows I'm weak. He loves me in spite of it."
"I would have taken you with me, Rita," he murmured against your skin, "to Rome, if it had been me, if it had been His will. You don't belong anywhere but by my side." He pressed his lips to your temple. "Look at you, you fall apart without me."
"Yes," you hissed, tensing at his touch momentarily, his fingers brushing your fresh wounds. "How did you find me here?"
"I followed you. I could tell something was different about you tonight."
You smiled, your eyes fluttering shut as he continued to berate you. At least he cared, misguided as he was. But he found you, and he stayed. That meant there was hope for him yet, that you could share this with him just as you wanted.
With confidence and joy you kissed him, trembling when he returned the gesture with as much passion, his lips on yours, a type of consummation that didn't fill you with the guilt you'd become so used to feeling with every thought, every action in your daily life that you so desperately sought relief from. It was good and right. You opened your mouth to receive him, allowed him to slip his tongue in your mouth, to taste and see the goodness of the Lord.
But it was too much for him. Overwhelming, maybe, as he pulled away from you abruptly, the flickering light of the votive candles betraying the fear and awe in his warm brown eyes.
"It's alright, Fredo," you assured him, placing a hand on his cheek, the gray hair of his beard soft against your fingertips. "It's alright because you understand Him, you love Him like I do."
He kissed you again, softly, reverently, bringing his lips to the tip of your nose and then your forehead.
Grunting, he grabbed your discarded robes off of the floor and began dressing you, taking care when pulling your garments over the raw skin on your back. He mumbled something about being too old to be hunting the floor for the bobby pins you so carelessly discarded on the ground. Nevertheless, when he placed your habit back on your head, he did so with the same concentration and reverence that he did when bestowing the statue of the Blessed Mother with her crown of flowers during her adoration Mass in the month of May.
He wiped the tears that had rolled down your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. You didn't know when you had started crying.
"Who tended your wounds last time?" he asked.
"I did it myself."
He huffed. "No wonder they scarred over so badly."
"It doesn't matter. No one will see."
"Don't argue. You have no room to argue right now," he scolded, wagging his pointer finger in your face, rearing to berate you again until his expression softened and his hand came to rest on your shoulder. "I'll tend to you myself."
"You won't tell anyone?"
"No. No, of course not. This is between us. You and me."
"And God."
He nodded, brow furrowed, gaze resolute. "And God."
End note: I can't finish this without acknowledging the inspiration from The Devils (1971), Through a Glass Darkly (1961), The Unworthy by Agustina Bazterrica, the poem 'Conversation with Mary' by Gabrielle Bates, and the various writings of Saints John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila. Anyway, I need a t-shirt that says 'I š¤ self-flagellation' at this point.
Expect more of this kind of thing once I read Lower Than the Angels: A History of Sex and Christianity because I want to dig into this dynamic more, and I feel like this Reader is the type to think "we can do anything except have sex so we're not breaking our vows" which is hard for Tedesco, but toxic codependency true love prevailsš¤
Sneak Peak from Quando Sono in Ginocchio, Prego per te (Goffredo Tedesco x Reader)
āPardon me asking, you eminence, what are you doing here ? Iām sure you have more important duties at San Marco, no ?āĀ
He placed a white and gold stole around his shoulders. āThis used to be my Church, believe it or not. Plus, itās time for Mass.āĀ
You looked around, noticing the Basilica was completely vacant except for the two of you. He noticed your gaze at the empty seats in front of you. āNo one comes to Church anymore. Back when I was a boy, these halls were always full.ā He scoffed as he grabbed one of the eucharists from the tabernacle. āYou had people listening in from outside.ā He raised the wafer in the air, and whispered a quick prayer, before turning to face you.Ā
He made a quick head gesture, looking at you. You gave him a slightly confused stare. He shook his head again, this time with a cough. Oh.Ā
You slowly got on your knees with crossed hands, and closed your eyes. He recited a few words in Latin, and began lowering his arms towards your face. You opened your mouth, as if you were used to this, and as he placed the eucharist on your tongue, you felt his thumb stay on your lower lip for a millisecond too long.Ā
What you couldnāt see, was that instead of focusing on blessing the offering, he couldnāt keep his thoughts away from you. Your eyes, your mouth, your hair. It was clear from the look he displayed on his face, that his duties were the last thing on his mind at the moment.
A/N : Please let me know if this should be a series or a one-shot because some plot elements might change based on that. Also, if there's anything you'd want to see, don't be afraid to ask, I need inspiration.
