Every time I feel shame or confliction as a result of doing something someone doesn’t understand, I am reminded of a quote I came across before.
The quote reiterates that the moment you feel understood can make you feel incredible, that the feeling of being understood can give you courage and it can heal you in ways you didn’t realize you needed. Feeling seen and understood can build you up, and you only feel yourself after repeatedly being met with that understanding. Yet, it only takes one moment of feeling misunderstood to break you down and feel small, erasing all the good people saw in you, shredding the confidence you once had, and convincing you that you don’t mean as much as you thought you did. The feeling of being judged based on an assumption others make of me, always makes me feel like the person I thought I knew myself to be, isn’t the actual person I am. I second guess myself, I question my intentions, I doubt my ethos and I start to feel like I’m still the same girl I was when I was just a kid struggling to find love. I feel like nothing has changed and I start to convince myself that I am cold, distant and cruel. I tell myself that I am these things because I’m trying to survive all I had been through and I forget all the work I’ve done to get to where I am now.
Part of me knows that the doubts and questions are only that. They are not facts and they are not looking at the whole picture. Those voices are solely made from perspectives of others who do not know me. They’re echoes of people in my life who don’t care to get to know me, who don’t ask me how I am, who don’t care about the things I strive to be, or even care to hear of the life I’ve lived so far. These misunderstandings are derived from the lack of desire to understand me, so why do they still have so much power over me? Why do I care that the same people who are quick to assume the worst of me, believe I am the type of person that isn’t even a version of me.
They only see what they want to see, and that image has nothing to do with who I am. They take what they want and piece it together and instead of it being based off things that I am, it’s only based on assumptions they’ve made without asking me if these assumptions are true or false.
I pray that one day I will find a way to stop trying to get others to see me, if they truly wanted to, I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to be seen.
