#creatingnikk

[creatingnikki]

recently someone introduced me to the Hebrew word daiyenu. they said it translates to ‘it would have been enough’. sounds basic, right? but the sentiment this word carries is precious. it is a beautiful way to express gratitude. a way to say that even though things didn’t end up the way that would have been the most ideal for us, we are still so grateful for what has been done. we never met and played that game of chess but you stayed up with me all those nights my dad was in the hospital and made me laugh. daiyenu. my skills as an artist never improved so I can’t even call myself one but illustrating like a 4th grader is one of the few ways that help me destress and not overthink. daiyenu. we don’t love each other anymore but when we did it was sincere and kind. daiyenu. anything I cook other than spaghetti always turns out less tasty than it looks but I am learning to cook and nourish myself. daiyenu. despite all that time we spent together so closely we never actually understood the other person but we tried many times before giving up. daiyenu. you never remember my birthday but always show up with a present whenever we meet because everywhere you go something reminds you of me. daiyenu. my body does not do the things I would like it to but it keeps me alive and puts up with my three-hour sleep cycle, midnight snacking, and no moisturising. daiyenu. our taste in music is poles apart but we still send each other songs as a way to say I want to know the parts of you that I cannot inherently resonate with. daiyenu. any fairy lights I buy stop working within a few days but for as long as they do they provide a sense of calm that I can no longer go without. daiyenu. you did not read any of the books I gifted or recommended to you but have never missed anything written by me. daiyenu. you did not agree with what I said but did not laugh, mock, or deny me my feelings. daiyenu. you are not mine to keep but we get to share this magical and maddening part of our youth together. daiyenu. life is not going according to plan but I get to course correct and cry and buy oranges and tell my mother I love her. daiyenu. 

@shedreamerwings thank you for introducing me to this beautiful word/concept. 

[creatingnikki]

Self love is beautiful BUT some of the narratives around it really get to me. When you're hurting because of someone you care about and you share that with another person and they are like 'you know, that's because you don't love yourself' or 'what you really need to do is work on self love' I just shut off right that moment because clearly that person doesn't get it. Self love is important and something every individual should work towards. However, self love and love for/from others are not two mutually exclusive things. I can love myself but still have the desire to be loved by someone else. Like why can't people wrap this around their heads? Yes, when you're subjecting yourself to abuse or toxicity while being fully aware of it and labelling it as love, sure. Then these statements make sense. You need to work on knowing yourself and liking your existence and enjoying it. But just expressing the inherent desire to connect with people and wanting that sort of precious magic in your life that comes from having people you vibe with and who care for your heart is not wrong. It's like saying that only those who can't fully make use of their left leg need to use their right leg. It's like saying that only if your one leg isn't capable enough you rely on the other one. Does that make any sense? Absolutely not. You will not go tell someone using both their legs 'hey there, the fact that you need to use both your legs goes to show that you haven't really developed your dominant leg and you really should work on that.' You won't go around shaming someone for using both their legs. Self love and love for/from others is equally important. And this may be an unpopular opinion but I don't think one triumphs the other. Self love isn't consistent either. Others may leave, yes. But you too disappoint and hate and harm yourself sometimes. So, no, I don't believe self love is all healing and the only thing you need to be happy and content in this life. Balance. I agree that if you didn't like yourself and work towards loving yourself, seeking love from others would be sad and unfulfilling. So we need both. But please don't assume that someone doesn't love themselves just because they want to be loved by others too.

[creatingnikki]

I am lonely. I check my phone. Three friends have sent me voice notes. 1:23 minutes. 45 seconds. 17 minutes. I haven’t heard them. I will delay it for as long as I can. I have six other unreplied texts. I will leave them on read for a few more days. I am not lonely because I don’t have people who don’t want to talk. I am lonely because I don’t have people who want to talk about the truth. The truth is pitiful and pathetic and sad, I get that. And I get that they are living more stable, or at least ignorant lives, as compared to me, so they don’t feel the need to face the truth. No, the truth to them feels like a buzzkill. Like spending all this time making iced coffee in the kitchen and then just when you’re about to pick up the mug and go to your room, you see that there’s a dead fly in it. Sometimes, to me, it feels like most of these people around me want so badly to believe that there’s no fly in the coffee that they actually don’t see it. They gulp it down and go on about their day. But me? I can’t. I have to go back to the kitchen, throw the coffee in the sink and start all over again. That’s what the truth feels like to me. I don’t know what this truth that I am talking about so intimately really is. All I know is that this life that I am living, this world that I am living in…it all feels like a lie. And no, it’s not a fucking white lie in the least.

[creatingnikki]

i have weaknesses. what is so wrong is being weak sometimes? in some aspects? and in admitting that weakness? why does it have to be a shameful thing? a thing you never speak about like the one who shall not be named? is it not the truly brave ones who take his name? is it not the truly brave ones who are aware of their weaknesses and can acknowledge it in front of others - others who are more powerful, don't share the same weaknesses and may then think differently of you? why do i have to pretend to be perfect? of course it's a pretense. Every one knows that no one is perfect. yet why am i shamed when i have a candid conversation with someone and tell them things that make me feel like i am at the edge of my life? why? they didn't make me feel that way. but others who overheard the conversation call me stupid. they chide me for giving away my true emotions. but if you live life without giving away your true emotions, tell me, when will you ever feel connected and satisfied?

i have weaknesses. i am not a weak person. my existence isn’t perpetually weak. 

[creatingnikki]

Why would you miss me?

It's a little shameless. I know I said I'm okay with having you back in my life but every time you say that you miss me or love me it awakens that part of my heart that loved you. And that part was thrown in the fire by you all those years ago. The fire is out but every time that part awakens I can smell something burn. And now I feel like it's spreading to the other parts of me too. How do I tell you this but? You're trying to be nice and do everything right. But that is just not enough. And it doesn't take away everything not nice you did to me. I don't know what will make it okay. And if nothing makes it okay I know I should bid you goodbye. I just don't know if I can. Okay, that's a lie. I definitely can. But I don't know if I want to. I know that will forever close the door between us. And this time I won't be able to blame you for it. I don't know I'm ready for that. Even though I know I should have been about 2 years ago.

[creatingnikki]

That’s what I love about reading: one tiny thing will interest you in a book, and that tiny thing will lead you to another book, and another bit there will lead you on to a third book. It’s geometrically progressive – all with no end in sight, and for no other reason than sheer enjoyment.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer // My 9 best reads of 2019