[CW: Talking about chronic illness and physical limitations in this post.]
It's an all (magical and mundane) hands on deck kind of day pain-wise and disability-wise. I knew that yesterday being so busy and hectic was going to exacerbate things (there were a lot of appointments, errands, and things that needed taking care of around the property, and I was already hurting to begin with, so having to be on my feet and on the move all day is something I'll be paying for for a long while now). I've lived with two chronic illness diagnoses for 20+ years now (I was diagnosed as a pre-teen after a horrific bout of mono that they believed "woke up" the chronic illnesses, or at least that's how it was explained to me as a child and that's never left me lol), but it never gets "easier" dealing with the balance of pain, fatigue, constant sleep problems and insomnia, bouts of inability to use my hands, bouts of inability to think or focus or remember things, bouts of inability to speak comfortably or sometimes at all, and plenty of other issues, whilst also just trying to live a "normal" life and actively take part in life, pursue the things I want, and make space for what brings me joy. It's weird to think that it's been more than two decades of just constant symptoms. There's never been a day off, just days where I can "ignore it" a little easier.
Today, the pain and the fatigue are bad, as are my hands. I can't grip anything and keep dropping things. I couldn't even zip my jacket today when I was going out to feed the chickens. It's just one of those days that I have to remind myself, "You're ill, you dummy. You're disabled. This is your normal, and you need to stop trying to pretend otherwise." Because, yeah. I've lived with this for over 20 years and still try to convince myself that I can just "power through."
So, I'm going to try and work on changing my way of thinking. I need to find more grace for myself and my body, and I need to learn how to go easier on myself during times where I have more limitations, because I'm just not good at that. I never have been. And that's probably making everything "worse."

















