#disabledwriter

[azriel-black]

I hate how scared I am of using my mobility aids and using my support system and accommodations because everyone around me has always said how independent and how little support I need in day to day life.

I wish I wasn’t losing my independence like I am, I wish that I wasn’t so scared of preventing my illness from getting worse because by doing that I am visibly disabled.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to apologize to everyone when I use my crutches or cane because that means i’ll be slower than them.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to apologize so much for my devolving speech and my tics and tremors.

I wish I didn’t have to explain to people around me that I feel bad all the time and it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to feel better after a bad pain day.

I wish I wasn’t so scared of my own illness, because now it’s getting worse and I don’t know how to dig myself out of the grave I’m laying in.

[azriel-black]

Something I wrote in class today.

If you asked me 2 years ago today if I was disabled I would've laughed in your face

"How could I be disabled? Sure my back aches as soon as I wake up I'm always tired. And my knees bend backward, and so do my elbows My wrists are constantly sore I can't stand for long without getting dizzy But I am abled." Now I can't Imagine feeling as good as I felt on a bad day then. My joints are unstable and can't hold me up super well. I'm having flare-ups that cause me to be in a wheelchair, I don't know this new body I miss the boy I was before, I miss playing soccer, I miss being full of energy I miss being able to go out and not be stared down, I miss going out without my chair, or crutches, or my cane. I miss being able to do more than one thing in a day I am proud to be Disabled don't get me wrong,

But sometimes I have to mourn the life I can't go back to.

[azriel-black]

Sometimes I lie awake in bed thinking about when I'll feel better I know that being disabled doesn't "get better" but I don't even want to get all the way better, I just want to feel better, I want to go out for a day without my cane or my crutches I want to be able to just go out and do things without having to decide if that activity will kill my body for the rest of the day. I crave to be carefree once more, to be able to get drunk and run around outside with my best friend without having to lie down so I can make sure my joints are still in place. To get stoned out of my mind and jump around with my boyfriend and not wake up the next morning unable to walk at all I want to put one foot in front of the other without having to think about how to hold my knees, ankles, and hips in place. I want to feel joy while running because I love to run, but when I do I can't go to my classes for the next week to recover. I want to play soccer again, real soccer without having to leave the season early because I injured my joints and legs so much during practices and games that tournaments would've absolutely killed me. I want to be taken seriously again, I want people to look at me with respect rather than pity in their eyes and poison in their mouths. I carry myself with pride for my disability but sometimes I just crave to blend in with everyone else at my university.

[swordandboardllc]

Happy Holidays! I still find it weird to live in California in December, where there’s no snow and instead of snow men we get these weird sand snow men who look like poop 🤣. That said, sometimes we find photogenic places to take a few pictures of the pups. So enjoy an off topic post for your feed! #servicedogsofinstagram #disabledwriter #patreon #happyholidays #servicepups #writersofinstagram #writerslife (at Orange County, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CXMzssQvox2/?utm_medium=tumblr