The fact that RFK JR was a long term cocaine and heroin user and eats road kill and has mercury poisoning and is suppressing/falsifying information about FUCKING TYLENOL, VACCINES AND SSRIS being toxic/destroying your brain is salt in the wound. No offense to other current and former cocaine, heroin and roadkill consumers (love you guys, I support decriminalization) but the hypocrisy of being that guy and not a doctor and trying to tell me my lifesaving medication is unsafe and attempting to ban it makes me have to white-knuckle my phone every time I read the bullshit he is saying.
*Note minor psychosis such as the types discussed in this comic are commonly called subclinical/sub-threshold psychosis or called a psychotic-like experience (PLE)
synopsis: Sevika is basically your babysitter. She follows you everywhere because Silco, your father, pays her to. You’re a high-strung, bratty, spoiled princess who constantly likes to party and get high, but you have secrets and so does sevika.
tags/warnings: drugs, alcohol, mention of suicide, suicide ideation, sex, dark thoughts, bratty reader, spoiled reader, young adult reader, older sevika, age gap, fem reader, rich reader, mel is lowk a drug dealer, sevika HATES mel
A/N: i just bought a shit load of books to read about drug usage and recovery so i made sure i wrote this as accurately as i could 😭😅
"Sevika," you slur, your hands palming her shoulders as she drags a tipsy you up the stairs of your house towards your room.
You slump forward, your vision spinning sideways.
Sevika scowls under her breath, easily catching you.
You always stank of alcohol, smoke, and whatever drug you managed to get your hands on. It's a miracle you were still alive with the amount of poison you put in your body. "Ugh, you're heavy." Try to stand up straight or something. "Don't need you vomiting on my jacket."
You narrow your eyes as best as you can and swivel your head to stare at Sevika. "Are you calling me fat?" You slur angrily.
"Jesus," Sevika muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes at you. The last thing she needed was your over-dramatic ass throwing a fit. Sevika hoists you up against her side, practically dragging you up to your room.
"I called you heavy, dumbass. Now stop talking before you make yourself dizzy."
"You're so strong," you slur, already onto the next topic as you palm Sevika's biceps.
Sevika gritted her teeth, ignoring the way your hand rubbed her arm. You were so damn irritating that she didn't even bother replying to your words. Why were you like this?
The two of you finally made it up to your room, and she pushed you through the door. You flail forward, your body heading straight towards the floor.
Sevika curses under her breath and at the last minute grabs the back of your shirt collar and yanks you upright before you could eat shit on the floor.
"Damn it, kid, sit down properly." She drags you the last few steps to the mattress and lets you go, crossing her arms. "You're lucky Silco pays me extra for this bullshit."
You turn around to face her, swaying slightly. "Wait, waiiitt," you slur, trying to be as serious as possible. "Look at me."
Sevika lets out a heavy sigh and looks at you with an unamused expression. She was definitely not getting sleep anytime soon. She hated dealing with you, and you being too intoxicated to even walk didn't make it any better. She rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. "What? What do you want now?"
You look up at her with a big goofy grin on your face.
Sevika couldn't tell if the smile was endearing or irritating—probably both if she was being honest with herself. She scoffs to hide a tiny grin tugging at her lips. You were so irritatingly cute when you smiled like that, it wasn't fair. She's supposed to hate you, not find herself wanting to ruffle your hair and squeeze you to her chest. “Are you going to say something or just stare at me like a creep?"
You stare at her and blink slowly before responding, "Too bad you're my dad's employee, or I would've fucked you a long time ago," you slur before swaying side to side again.
Sevika snorts, raising an eyebrow. You really didn't have a filter when under the influence of whatever the hell you were on She steps forward and catches you from falling over. "You don't know what you're talking about, kid. Sit on the bed before you crack your skull open."
"Carry me to bed with your beautiful muscles," you slur.
Sevika rolls her eyes at your slurred demand, but she can't keep the amused smirk off her face.
She stepped closer and let out an exaggerated sigh. "You're lucky you're so cute." With a single smooth motion, she effortlessly lifted you into her arms and tossed you onto the bed. It was easy considering how scrawny you were, probably due to all the drugs and god knows what else.
"There, you're in bed now."
"Don't leave," you whimper at her.
Sevika hesitates, looking down at you. Eyeing her like she was the only stable thing in your life, she sighs through her nose and rubs her forehead. "Damn it." She sits on the edge of the bed, resigned.
"Fine, I'll stay for a bit."
She keeps an arm draped loosely over your shoulder in case you try to roll off. "...go to sleep."
You tug on her arm, trying to pull her body down against the bed next to you. She resists your tugging for a few moments, trying not to give in to your needy behavior, but eventually she lets out an exasperated sigh and allows you to pull her down next to you.
"You're such a pain in the ass, you know that." She grumbles, shifting to make herself more comfortable with you wrapped around her like a goddamn vine, she was practically trapped next to you.
You curl against her tighter and bury your face into her chest.
Sevika briefly stiffens slightly, unused to affection, especially from you, but after a few seconds, she relaxes, exhaling through her nose. You were warm against her, and she couldn't bring herself to push you away. Her metal arm rested awkwardly at her side while her other hand hesitated before gently settling on your back. "You better not drool on me." Her voice was gruff, but there was no real bite to it.
After a few moments, you pass out, but right as you drift off between consciousness and unconsciousness, you quietly mumble a soft "mine" and snuggle closer to her.
Sevika's eyes widen when her ears pick up what you said.
Did you just—
Never mind, you're too wasted to even know what you're saying. She lets out a low scoff, trying not to let the warm feeling in her chest show. She closes her eyes and forces herself to relax. "Possessive brat."
The bright light of the sun shining through the blinds forces Sevika to wake up. She groans, her eyes fluttering open for a moment. She's confused, and then the memories from the previous night come flooding back. Right, she stayed the night in your room to watch your drunk ass and make sure you didn't do anything stupid. She glances down, finding you still curled up against her side. Surprisingly, you were actually asleep for once. She sighs, still somewhat groggy from sleep.
She takes another moment to watch you, taking in the peaceful expression on your face. It was nice to see you without the usual scowl or playful smirk you gave her. You looked cute, almost, damn it. She quickly shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the thought, but the warm feeling in her chest only grows more prominent the longer she looks at you. She clears her throat and gives your shoulder a light shake. "Wake up."
Instead of waking up, you curl against Sevika's side tighter, snuggling your nose into her bicep.
Sevika huffs quietly, resisting the urge to laugh at your clinginess. Even in sleep, you were like a barnacle refusing to let go. She rolled her eyes and lifted her hand, gently flicking the top of your head. "Come on, sleeping beauty, time to get your lazy ass up."
You groan, and your eyes flutter open, blinking drowsily up at Sevika.
She smirks when you finally seem to realize how close you were, your sleepy confusion turning into sudden panic. "That's right, princess. You spent all night cuddled up to me. Enjoy your morning humiliation."
She stretches, her prosthetic arm whirring softly. "Now get up before I drag you out of bed myself."
Once what she says registers in your head, you quickly scoot away from her, almost falling off the bed, but Sevika catches your wrist before you fall, effortlessly pulling you back onto the mattress with a deep chuckle. "Damn, didn't think I was that scary." She lets go, stretching her arms above her head again. "You good? Or do I have to carry you to breakfast too?"
You stare at her, blinking a few times.
"What cat got your tongue now?" Sevika leans forward, smirking at your bewildered silence. She reaches out and flicks your forehead slightly. "Still drunk or just realizing you might actually like having me around?" She stands up, stretching her prosthetic arm with a soft whir before glancing back at you. "Either way, hurry up. I ain't spoon-feeding you."
You glare at her from the bed. "Grow up, old lady," you grumble, annoyed.
"Old lady?" Sevika stops mid-stretch and slowly turns to glare at you, a dangerous smirk tugging at her lips.
"You really want to test me today, huh?" She leans down, bracing her hands on either side of your legs, boxing you in. "Careful, princess, I bite."
You scoff, "I have another party to get to today, move it." You scoot backwards and away, then off the bed.
Sevika's eye twitches in annoyance. Of course you did. You were relentless when it came to partying despite it being a damn Wednesday. She crosses her arms and leans against your desk, watching you move around. "How nice. Can't have a day without filling yourself with booze and other bullshit, huh?"
You turn and peer over your shoulder at her. "And do tell, would you like to remind the world of your young adult years?" you snark at her.
Sevika grits her teeth at your sassy response. You really knew how to get under her skin, didn't you? She let out an exasperated sigh. "I'll have you know that I at least knew how to have a good time without waking up in a stranger's bed," she scoffed, shaking her head. "Unlike your reckless ass, I had limits."
"Maybe I like waking up in random beds," you snap back at her as you shuffle to the closet and start flinging random clothes around.
Sevika rolls her eyes, watching you rifle through your closet. You really could be such an insufferable brat. "Yeah, I'm sure you do, but it's also going to land your ass dead in the ditch one of these days. You're a mess, you know that." She leans casually against the wall and the desk, irritation clear in her expression. "Have you ever considered slowing down?"
"And what, read books like you?" you scoff and tear your shirt up and over your head, not caring that she's watching.
Even Sevika couldn't help the way her eyes roamed over your bare shoulders and torso. Damn, you looked so goddamn good, but she quickly snaps out of her trance, scowling to hide the unexpected reaction. "Tch, at least reading would be a safer hobby than the path you're on." She crosses her arms, staring you down as you continue rummaging through your closet.
You pull out another shirt and tug it on.
Sevika's eyes flicker over your frame, watching as the new shirt slides over your arms. She can't help but notice how the fabric hugs your curves.
"You never change, do you? Party. Drink. repeat."
You ignore her and shimmy out of your pants, revealing your lacy underwear.
If Sevika's cheeks weren't already flushed from irritation and exhaustion, they certainly would be now. Why did you have to wear those damn lacey things? She averts her eyes, clearing her throat awkwardly. "For God's sake, cover yourself up for once. You're like a walking billboard for bad decisions."
You laugh out loud as you shove your ass into a skirt.
Sevika's jaw clenches as you continue prancing around in practically nothing, her eyes linger on the way the skirt hugs your hips before she quickly snaps her head away. "You are so damn shameless," she mumbles under her breath. Why did you have to be so goddamn tempting? It felt like you were trying to drive her insane on purpose.
You ignore her and shove your feet into heels.
Sevika's eye twitches uncontrollably as you slip on those ridiculous heels. It was getting more and more difficult not to look at your long legs. She takes a deep breath, willing herself to keep her composure. "You always dress like this when you go out." She attempts to sound nonchalant, but her voice comes out more strained than intended.
"Keep looking, babe, maybe one day you'll have a chance," you mock, sauntering towards the door.
Sevika's nostrils flare, her grip tightening on the wall before she suddenly blocks your path. A sharp, wolfish grin spreads across her face. "Oh, I don't need a chance, sweetheart, if I wanted you." She leans in, voice dropping low. "I'd already have you." Then she flicks your nose and steps aside.
You ignore her comment and saunter out the door and towards the bathroom, swaying your hips purposely.
Sevika watches your exaggerated saunter with a mix of irritation and, much to her annoyance, appreciation. She rubs her temples, muttering curses under her breath. "You're such a brat." She follows after you, leaning against the bathroom doorway. "You’d better hurry up, or I'm telling Silco you've been stealing from his workers again."
You fake gasp at her, "You dare lie on my name?"
Sevika smirks, crossing her arms. "Who said anything about lying? Pretty sure I saw you digging through Vandar's stash last week." She tilts her head, raising a brow. "Tick-tock, princess."
You flush your face with cold water, then apply makeup as slowly as you can.
Sevika watches your deliberate stalling with growing impatience, her mechanical fingers tapping rhythmically against her forearm. "Oh, come on, you're doing this on purpose." She grabs a towel and flicks it at the back of your head. "Speed it up before I start smudging your eyeliner myself."
Your eyes flicker over to her face and then back towards the mirror, and you begrudgingly pick up your pace.
Sevika lets out an approving hum, a small smirk playing on her lips as you finally start to pick up the pace.
She leans against the doorframe, her eyes roaming over your form with a hint of subtle admiration, her gaze pausing momentarily on the way your skirt clings to your curves before she quickly snaps back to your face. "There you go. Was that so hard?"
"Wait," you say suddenly, and pick up a lipstick and apply it slowly and smoothly, and then you pop your lips.
Sevika rolls her eyes at your dramatic lipstick application, but can't help the way her gaze lingers on your lips as you pop them. She clears her throat and looks away. "Are you done yet, princess, or do you need to twirl around a few more times before we leave?" Her tone is mocking, but there's an undeniable hint of amusement in her voice.
"What do you want, a change to ogle more at my ass?" you mock.
Sevika snorts, stepping forward until she's right behind you, close enough that her breath ghosts over your ear when she speaks low and deliberate, "Please, if I wanted to ogle, I wouldn't wait for your permission." She flicks your earlobe with her metal finger before stalking past you toward the door. "Move your feet or lose 'em."
You pick up a rag off the counter and aim the rag at the back of her head, but it falls mid-throw and lands on the floor.
Sevika turns her head just in time to watch the rag fall harmlessly to the floor, an amused smirk spreading across her face. "Can't even aim a goddamn rag, you're a mess." She reaches down and picks it up, chucking it into the laundry basket before holding the door open and gesturing for you to exit. "After you, princess."
You grumble and saunter towards her, stopping to bump your hip into hers, and then you continue walking.
Sevika rolls her eyes as you saunter past her. She lets out an exasperated huff and follows after you, trying to ignore the slight thrill that courses through her at the brief contact. She falls into step beside you, her hands stuffed casually into her pockets. "You're enjoying this too much, you brat."
"You know you don't have to baby me in the mornings."
Sevika snorts, shaking her head. "I'm not babying you, I'm doing my job, which is making sure your dumb ass stays out of trouble." She glances at you out of the corner of her eyes, a smirk tugging at her lips. "Besides, you're a walking disaster, without me, you'd probably get mugged or something before sunrise."
"Joke's on you, I've been mugged with you right around the corner."
Sevika's smirk morphs into a full-blown eye roll at your comment, her expression a mix of irritation and disbelief. "Yeah, and who had to save your ass because you decided to start a fight with four grown men?" She takes a moment to look you over as if still astonished that you're standing and not lying in an alleyway somewhere.
"Tch, you've got zero sense of self-preservation, you know that."
You scoff, "hmph," and carefully make your way down the stairs.
Sevika watches as you descend the stairs slowly, thankfully, before following behind, her prosthetic hand hovers near the small of your back just in case you lose your balance. She mutters underneath her breath, "God, you're exhausting," but there's no real bite to it.
"Are you going to be with me all day?" you ask her, peering over your shoulder.
Sevika's eye twitches, her irritation flaring to life at your question. She takes a deep breath to keep her temper in check and replies through clenched teeth, "Did your brain not comprehend what babysitting meant when Silco assigned me to you? Yes, I'll be with you all damn day."
"Mk, well, I need coffee, so chop chop to the car."
Sevika grumbles under her breath as the two of you make your way outside and to the parked car. She opens the passenger door and gestures impatiently for you to get in. "Hurry up, princess. I ain't got all day to feed your caffeine addiction."
"Is my purse in here?" You mumble, frantically looking around.
Sevika raises a brow at your frantic searching before letting out an exasperated sigh. She rummages through the back seat and fishes out said purse, chucking it at you. "There, found your damn purse. Can we go now?"
"Hey! This is a one-of-a-kind purse, you can't just toss it around like one of your henchmen," you scowl at her.
Sevika scoffs at your offended tone, rolling her eyes as she settles into the driver's seat. "Oh, cry me a river, it's a purse, not a newborn." She starts the engine, throwing you a smirk. "Besides, if it was that special, maybe you'd remember where you left it."
You scoff in disbelief and settle into the passenger seat, tucking your purse into your side.
Sevika snorts at your offended expression, her amusement growing when she sees your precious purse tucked into your side like a lifeline. "Oh, don't give me that look. You've left your possessions in worse places than a damn car." She shifts gears and pulls out into the street, her eyes flickering to you momentarily before returning to the road. "Now, are you actually going to tell me where you want coffee, or are we playing guessing games this morning?"
"Surprise me, but don't make it shabby," you mumble the last part.
Sevika rolls her eyes and mutters something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like "damn princess." Before taking a sharp turn down a different street, after a few more minutes of driving, she finally pulls up in front of a small but well-kept cafe. "Here, it's not top-notch, but it's not some dump either. Try not to complain this time." She parks and exits, holding the door open for you.
You step out of the passenger seat. "Thanks, Grandma," you mumble to her, giving her cheek a quick pat before you saunter towards the cafe entrance, leaving her behind.
Sevika's eye twitches at the sound of the grandma jab, her patience already thin enough. As you pass her, she has to restrain herself from grabbing you by the collar and knocking some sense into you. She grumbles to herself, muttering a few choice words before following you into the cafe with an irritated expression.
You walk up to the counter and flash a smile at the barista.
Sevika stands behind you, her eyes flickering between you and the barista, a low grumble rumbling in her throat. She's not sure why, but something about your easy smile and the way the barista immediately smiles back irritates her more than it should. She crosses her arms and watches as you proceed to order, her eyes narrowing when she catches the barista checking you out.
"Hi, can I get a venti iced half-calf, quarter-decaf, triple-shot ristretto oat milk latte, but make the oat milk extra light foam at 148 degrees exactly, and can you steam it twice, add two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, one pump of caramel, and one pump of hazelnut, but only half pumps? I need three stevia, but dissolve them first, and one raw sugar on the side, just in case. Oh, and can you shake it, not stir it? Pour it over light ice, then strain half the ice out in a grande cup, but fill it to the top with a dome lid, wait a flat one, actually."
Sevika's eyes widen at your coffee order, her irritation is momentarily overshadowed by disbelief. She can't believe the amount of specifics you just rattled off, and she has to try hard not to laugh at the barista's dumbfounded expression. She suppresses a snort as she glances at your oblivious form.
The barista seems to be at a loss for words, eyes darting from you to Sevika in a silent plea for help.
You stare at the barista, completely oblivious to the way their eyes dart between yours and Sevikas. You clap your hands together. "Chop chop, sweetie," you say, waving around a 50-dollar bill.
Sevika finally loses her composure and lets out a sharp bark of laughter, shaking her head in disbelief. "Jesus Christ, are you trying to give this poor barista a migraine?" She leans against the counter, watching the barista scramble to write down your order. "And here I thought I was high maintenance."
You whip your head over towards her and glare at her. “You are unbelievable," you mumble.
Sevika chuckles wryly in response, completely unfazed by your glare. She leans on one arm, a smirk playing at the corner of her lips as she crosses her legs at the ankles. "Oh, I'm unbelievable. You just gave the man a damn thesis for a coffee order. I bet that poor barista is wishing he called in sick today."
You scoff and shake your head. "It's not my fault he doesn't understand the language of coffee."
Sevika scoffs back, rolling her eyes at your response. She crosses her arms, a bemused expression on her face. "Oh, you mean the language of pretentiousness?" She glances over at the barista, who's frantically scrambling and struggling to make your order. "I think he just doesn't understand the language of a spoiled princess."
"I'd like to see you make the order then."
Sevika smirks, straightening up before turning to the barista. "Yeah, give me whatever black coffee is cheapest." She shrugs, glancing back at you with a smirk. "See, not hard." The barista looks relieved at her simplicity.
"I meant to make my order." You glare before rolling your eyes. "I swear you're slow in the head."
Sevika fights the urge to throttle you, it’s becoming increasingly harder to resist. She clenched her fists, taking a deep breath. God, you really knew how to push her buttons, “I swear you're an insufferable know-it-all. Why would I spend time making a cup of overpriced, overcomplicated nonsense?"
"Whatever," you simply dismiss her and turn back toward the barista, who is still scrambling to make your order.
Sevika shakes her head. Her irritation steadily rising as you continue to disregard her opinion, she glances at the barista, who still looks utterly baffled, before letting out another sigh. "You're just as stubborn as hell, aren't you? You know that order could easily be simplified, right? Or is that too much of a foreign concept for someone like you?"
"You don't understand, I need a venti iced half-calf quarter-decaf triple-shot ristretto oat milk latte, with the oat milk extra light foam at 148 degrees exactly, steamed twice with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, one pump caramel, one pump hazelnut, but only half pumps. Three stevia, but dissolved first, with one raw sugar on the side just in case. Shaken, not stirred, Poured over light ice, then the ice half strained out in a grande cup, but filled to the top with a flat lid," you snap at Sevika.
Sevika stares at you, her eyes wide with irritation at your relentless demands. She grits her teeth, doing her best to keep her composure. Gods. You were beyond infuriating. "Christ, the barista is going to spit in your damn cup at this rate. Why the hell does it have to be so damn complicated? You do realize it's just coffee, or is your high-maintenance ass allergic to simplicity?"
"I'm giving him a $50 tip. Is that not enough?" you scoff, waving around the bill.
Sevika rolls her eyes, letting out an exasperated chuckle. "You could give him triple that, and it wouldn't make a damn difference. Your coffee order is borderline psychotic, you have more specific demands for coffee than most restaurants do for food. It's a miracle he even agreed to take it in the first place, I sure as hell wouldn't have."
The barista coughs awkwardly, clearing his throat and presenting the coffee.
Sevika leans forward, watching as the barista hands you the coffee, looking slightly exhausted. "Oh great, he actually did it. I was half expecting a cup of mud and spit in retaliation."
You flash a smile and a wink at the barista. "Unlike you, Sevika people have class." You slide over the $50 bill.
Sevika's eye twitches as you throw a condescending smirk and wink towards the barista. She can practically feel her irritation bubbling over. "Oh, right, because ordering an over-sweet, overly precise monstrosity of a coffee is the epitome of class, and I'm sure your charming smile has nothing to do with him putting up with your bullshit."
You give her a quick glare, sauntering away toward the exit, hips swaying, coffee in hand, and purse on your shoulder.
Sevika follows closely behind her, her irritation growing with each step. "You're impossible, you know that? Not only do you have the worst taste in coffee, but you also manage to cause a headache wherever you go. It's a goddamn miracle you haven't annoyed someone to the point of throttling you yet."
"Oh, please, I'm sure you'd be the first one on the list, babe," you say before sipping the coffee and walking toward the car.
Sevika's face twists in annoyance at the pet name. She steps in front of you, effectively halting your steps. "Careful, princess. Keep calling me that, and you might find yourself bent over my knee," she snaps without thinking, her tone harsher than intended.
You stumble backwards in disbelief, your heel slipping underneath you.
Sevika's eyes widen as you lose your balance. She instinctively steps forward and grabs your elbow, preventing you from falling flat on your ass. "Careful, idiot. Don't need you spilling that damn coffee all over yourself."
Your face is red, but you don't reply, instead, you quietly sip your coffee and get into the passenger seat.
Sevika lets out a quiet sigh, shaking her head at your flustered state before climbing into the driver's seat and starting the car. She glances over at you, noticing the pink tinge to your cheeks. "Hmph, at least you're being quiet for once. You look like a tomato, by the way," she comments as she pulls out of the parking lot.
You quickly look out the window, trying to avoid her gaze.
Sevika lets out a soft chuckle at your attempt to hide your flustered expression. "Aw, embarrassed, are we? You're even quieter than usual, it's a damn miracle I can finally hear myself think."
"I'm going to tell Silco you threatened to bend me over your knee and do god knows what," you snap.
Sevika snorts in response, her smirk widening at your flustered words. She shakes her head, amused by your childish threats. "Oh, please, go ahead. I'm sure Silco will find it amusing, and as for what I'd do," she teases, taking a moment to give you a sly, almost predatory glance, "let's just say I know ways to make you scream much better than I know how to make coffee."
You dismiss her statement, "Can you just drop me off at this address?" You mumble listing off the address.
Sevika glances at you with a raised brow but quickly relents and nods. "Fine," she types the address into her phone's GPS, glancing at you curiously out of the corner of her eye. "This doesn't look like your usual hangout spot. Where the hell are you planning to go?"
"It's just a party," you mumble.
Sevika rolls her eyes at your vague response. A party could mean anything, it could be tame, it could be a disaster, and knowing you, it's probably the latter. "A party, huh? "Mind enlightening me on who's throwing the rager, or is it some secret exclusive party for spoiled rich kids?"
"I don't remember the person's name, my friend just gave me the addy."
Sevika exhales sharply, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. "You don't even know who's throwing it? "What happened to your self-preservation instincts? Did you lose them somewhere between your third and fourth drink last night?" She grips the steering wheel tighter, her irritation mounting. "You're going to get yourself killed one of these days, and Silcos is going to blame me for it."
"You'll be around, I'll be fine."
Sevika scoffs at your nonchalance, her expression darkening. She shakes her head, her annoyance growing. "Oh, so I'm supposed to keep playing bodyguard whenever you decide to walk into some unknown party like a damn idiot? Don't you have any common sense?" She grumbles, her grip on the wheel tightening even further.
"Do you ever let loose?" You snap at her.
Sevika's eye twitches for the thousandth time because of you, her irritation growing into full-on anger. "Let loose? I would, except I'm too damn busy having to watch your ass every day to make sure you don't get into trouble. You act like a damn child rushing into trouble and expecting me to clean up your mess every goddamn time, so excuse me for not having a life because I have to play babysitter for a goddamn brat like you."
Hurt flashes across your face, but instead of keeping quiet, you smart off, "Maybe you should find yourself a pretty girl at this party."
Sevika's jaw tightens even further at your words, she shoots you a glare, her eyes narrowing. "And maybe you should find yourself a brain, princess. I'm not interested in finding some damn mindless girl at a party. I've got better things to do, like babysit your spoiled ass while you play around making a mess of yourself.
Sevika exhales sharply through her nose as you stay quiet, her fingers tightening around the steering wheel once more. She shoots you another irritated glance before focusing back on the road. The silence is thick between you two, tense and heavy with unsaid words. Sevika's mood doesn't improve as she drives, her jaw clenched tight. Eventually, she pulls up to the address you gave her, parking roughly and killing the engine. "We're here," she mutters tersely, not looking at you.
You don't say anything to her as you open the car door before letting her get the chance to do it. She watches you storm off toward the party without another word. Her irritation simmering low in her gut, she huffs, shaking her head before climbing out of the car and following after you at a distance. "God, you're a pain in my ass," she mutters under her breath, keeping an eye on you despite her anger.
You walk up towards the expensive, large house.
Sevika lingers a few paces behind, her arms crossed as she watches you confidently strut towards the massive house. The sight of it, lavish and clearly expensive, makes her scowl deepen. "Figures you'd drag me to some topsider's mansion," she mutters under her breath, scanning the area warily. Something about this whole situation feels off. "Are you sure this is where you're supposed to be?" She calls out, skeptically eyeing the overly polished decor.
google sucks now but so does every other search engine. maybe it's time to start asking the whispering hole in the ground down by the railroad tracks my questions about the exact amount of Salvia i need to take to let me talk to the Scooby Doo from the live-action movies but not have to fight him
— synopsis . :: you return to a prison visiting room one year after everything fell apart, visiting the boy who ruined everything and still has a hold on you somehow. what starts as a quiet visit quickly turns into a tense, unsettling reminder that some feelings are harder to let go of than others.
ⓘ warnings . || toxic relationship , abuse (emotional - psychological) manipulation , gaslighting , unresolved conflict , drug use , deep trauma unhealthy attachment - trauma bonding , controlling behavior , morally disturbing themes and other content that may disturb some readers. be warned!
— english is in fact not my first language , hope you enjoy tho!
FEW YEARS PASS, KEVIN’S RELEASE DATE
after these past few years, you in fact kept your word and didn’t visit him again, living through the days anticipating his release date coming closer everyday, thought having to go through these years with the burden of him in the prison, not knowing what’s happening with him now, if the thought about your words years ago even crossed his mind.
it was hard, very hard to suppress the urges to not visit that prison again and see him, it felt awful, you felt awful with yourself, wishing you never said those hurtful words to him, that you want him to rot in there, knowing you never actually meant any of them, but you also knew deep down he saw through your facade and never believed them.
his release date is today, in a few hours he was going to be a free man back in the real world, maybe he will look for you when he’s out? he knows where you live, he knows exactly where to find you when you’re bored, sad, happy, he seems to have acquired such deep knowledge of you that nobody ever had and nobody will, because you wouldn’t let them. Not after Kevin used that to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wanted.
in these past years, a few factors about you have deeply changed, that last visitation, the last time you saw him made you spiral in unhealthy and dangerous habits, mental health deteriorating during it as well as your personality. almost like you started to mirror his own, becoming more reserved and analyzing anyone who passed by or talked to you, being meaner, condescending and manipulating to those around you.
you didn’t enjoy becoming the person you are right now, a drug dependance blooming in its steps, smoking blunts and popping pills when the war in your head got too bad to bear any longer, not wanting proper treatment for your mental health nor feeling the need to seek it out anytime throughout being in dangerous situations just to grasp a quick fix and silence the ongoing storm in a selfdestructive way.
his person still lingered in your mind, joining the storm and worsening it, but after falling deep into the unhealthy lifestyle, the bad thoughts and opinions of his person started to sound more appealing to you, and youve made the hard decision of coming to the courthouse and seeing him now as a free man, in normal clothing and not having to sit in a cramped visiting room with limited visitation time, having all the time on earth to talk out the conflict between you that was never properly resolved.
after gathering your belongings into a small purse, you sat into the drivers seat of your car and drove to the courthouse an hour early to have time to possibly turn back, leave this chapter of your life behind you and get out of the hellhole you’ve spiraled into because of him and all of the things he’s done to you over the course of your so called ‘relationship’ yet it was more of a toxic fling than an actual commitment to eachother.
you knew it could never be like the loving relationship in all of the movies you’ve watched, they were all fiction while this is real life, and taking into consideration his untreated mental state you knew what you would be getting yourself into, yet you still decided that it would be a good choice to make.
you were dumb teenagers that never actually had a picture of how the reality of it all would treat both of you, would it have been cruel, or more forgiving and actually work out to be an actual relationship? Now, both of you being 18 and adults, you didn’t know for certain what could happen in the near future, one side of you wanted for him to both get better and it blooming into an actual healthy relationship.
yet the other side of you didn’t want an actual healthy couple, but enabling eachother and falling deeper into the pit of hell youve both created with eachother, it almost felt comforting in a way, you knew he wouldn’t judge you for the person you’ve became and he would undertand your side but fuck, you didn’t know if it would be your best decision nor was it actually yours to begin with.
you sat in the parking lot inside your car, awaiting the time of his final release and being cut off from the prison life, at least for the time being. grasping the steering wheel a little too hard, as if you were holding on for dear life and if your while existance was about to slip out of control from your grasp and die all together, needing a quick fix and to calm yourself down.
your hand out of instinct reached into the passenger seat where your bag resided and took out your phone alongside a small baggie with white powder sitting inside and your credit card, putting your phone screen down in your hand and sprinkling the white powder onto it, creating several small lines on the back of it with the help of your credit card, snorting it into your nostrils and leaning back, awaiting for the high to hit you.
after the first line, came another and several lines deep, you finally felt at piece with yourself yet his image still flashed in your coked-out mind, even the hardest drugs you did couldn’t win the battle with erasing him from your mind, the only thing that remained inside was him, it was always him, never anyone else, not your family, not your dead best friend he was responsible for murdering, he was going to be your demise and quite frankly, you thrived in the thoughts of him everytime he came to mind.
the minutes ticked away, the moment coming closer and faster than you could grasp, he was going to see you high out of your mind after years of being apart and not seeing each other, was it possible for him to judge you now?
when the time finally came, being just a few minutes apart from the time he was expected to exit the courthouse, you stepped out of your vehicle with your bag clutched to your side after gathering the items in your hand back inside and walked onto the courthouse premises, standing at the bottom of the stairs and clutching the bags handle as close to you as it was humanly possible, nervously waiting to see him again after all these years
the courthouse doors swung open. a guard stepped out first, then another man in gray civilian clothes—and for a moment, everything in your chest went still.
kevin hadn't changed how you'd imagined him. if anything, he looked better. a few inches taller, shoulders broader, his face sharper, more defined. but his eyes, those cold, calculating eyes, found you instantly.
he froze, his gaze locking onto yours with the intensity of a predator spotting its prey. the air between you seemed to vanish, the noise of the courtyard fading into a dull hum. the guards moved to step aside, likely assuming he was heading toward a waiting car, but Kevin didn't move toward the street.
he walked straight for you.
within seconds, he was standing directly in front of you. close enough to smell. close enough to see every detail—the dilation of your pupils, the slight tremor in your hands gripping that bag.
his lips twisted into that familiar, unsettling smile—the same one he'd worn during every visitation, the one that said he already knew how this would play out.
your dilated eyes locked on his, swiping your nose with the back of your hand to get rid of any left evidence of the drugs you have taken before walking out of your car, his demeanor hasn’t changed in the slightest now that you finally see him in person, your body wanted to run back to your car and drive away as fast as you could so you wouldn’t have to confront this conflicted side of your life but you knew exactly what had to be done.
his eyes dropped instantly, tracking the swipe of your hand with unsettling precision. he didn't miss the glassy sheen over your eyes, the slight dilation, or the way your body practically vibrated with the urge to flee. he smelled the chemical sweetness clinging to your skin before he even stepped close enough to touch you.
he took a slow, deliberate step forward, invading your personal space with the ease of someone who owned the ground you stood on. the scent of him—soap, institutional laundry detergent, and something distinctly, darkly Kevin—overpowered the chemical trace on your skin.
he tilted his head, his expression almost pitying, like a parent watching a toddler try to hide a broken vase.
just as he stepped closer and reached out his hand to touch your skin, to feel your body under his touch once again, you blinked your eyes away from him and took a small step away from him, crossing your arms over your chest and hurrying out a protest past your lips.
“No.. d-don’t touch me right now”
his hand stopped mid-air, fingers poised like a predator's claws inches from your collarbone. for a single breath, something flickered across his face—hurt, maybe, or worse, amusement at your pathetic attempt at resistance. then it vanished, replaced by that same infuriating smile.
his hand dropped slowly, deliberately, to his side.
"Interesting."
he didn't like being told no. you saw it in the subtle clench of his jaw, the way his fingers flexed like he was fighting the urge to grab you anyway. but he held still, studying you with that cold intensity that used to make you melt into submission.
he shifted his weight, his gaze dragging over your crossed arms—a defensive barrier he found absolutely adorable. he knew exactly what you were hiding, the trembling beneath that tough exterior, and the chemical haze you were trying to use to numb yourself against him.
"You've gotten brave while I was gone,"
he murmured, his voice a low, dark rumble that vibrated against your chest.
he took another slow, calculated step forward, closing the distance you had tried to create. he didn't touch you, but he leaned in, his presence suffocating, overwhelming, forcing you to push your neck back to hold his eye contact.
or maybe it was the drugs making your head swim, making the world tilt dangerously to the left.
"it’s cute,"
“stop whatever you’re trying to do with me, it’s not going to work this time around” you stated firmly, this time your voice didn’t crack, didn’t stumble over itself but remained placed firmly in the air, surfing in the tension created and structured between you two, you weren’t gonna let him back inside your brain again so easily, you’ve grown stronger and more resistant to his manipulative tactics after your personality started to resemble his but you weren’t sure he could notice it just yet.
his smile widened, not faltering, but shifting into something genuinely intrigued. like a scientist spotting an unexpected mutation in his specimen.
"oh?" he tilted his head, genuinely curious for the first time since walking out of those courthouse doors.
he stepped back, not away from you, but to give himself a better angle, like you were a painting he hadn't seen in years.
his eyes narrowed slightly as he studied you, searching for the cracks in your newfound resolve. he saw the way you stood taller, the steadiness in your voice that hadn't been there before. it was almost... familiar. almost like looking into a mirror.
he circled you slowly, his footsteps silent against the pavement, his gaze like a scalpel peeling back layers. he noticed the way your knuckles whitened where you gripped your own arms, the subtle shift in your posture—defensive yet ready. and beneath it all, that new hardness in your eyes. a hardness he recognized.
"you're right. it won't work."
the admission came so easily it nearly knocked you off balance. no defiance, no manipulation, just a simple, brutal truth. he stopped circling, planting himself directly in front of you again, close enough that his next words would land like physical touches.
"it won't work because I don't need to try anymore. you did the work for me."
“the fuck do you mean by that?” you countered, the drugs starting to hit your nervous system harder than before, euphoria flashing behind your stern gaze but quickly concealing it with something he’s never seen before in you.
yet— even with the drugs invading the stabilization of your train of thought, you continued to firmly stand your ground in front of him, not letting the drugs strip you from your authority youve build to finally be able to face him, as no visitation time limit would be able to save you now, no guards were around to detain and escort him back to his prison cell he spend so many years trapped behind, even if he willingly put himself there.
his words went through your ear and out the other, as now with your upcoming high seeping into the cracks of your mind and infiltrating every comprehensive thought you formed up until this moment, your brain wasnt able to process them correctly, well atleast not how you would’ve wanted to be able to analyze them at the time being, you didn’t want to bend infront of him, not after curating such a touch facade your family nor the people around you couldn’t get through without you lashing out at them as you thought they were going to use your vulnerability and moment of having your guard down against you just like Kevin has in the past.
he has became your personal trauma, the sickening thoughts that kept crawling back and pulling you back into the deep hellhole created, him manipulating you into trauma bonding with him knowing the trauma you’ve possessed was simply from him entering your life and creating it by emotionally cracking your innocence, psychologically altering your brain chemistry you never thought could change into what it has become now.
your gaze looked around, no other person around you in sight before creeping back to hook all your attention back onto him, observing him and trying to imitate the precision he’s always possessed in his, attacking fire with even more fire but instead of one winning the battle, it only added onto the fucked up emotional turmoil stuck at the pit of your stomach, twisting and wrenching your guts in all of the ways possible.
hee saw it. the exact moment the drugs hit their peak, flooding your system with artificial euphoria while your mind fought desperately to maintain control. he watched your pupils swallow the irises whole, watched the subtle tremor in your crossed arms intensify, watched your eyes dart around—paranoid, searching for things that weren't there.
he noticed the shift. the way your eyes glossed over, dilated and unfocused, the way your tongue pressed against the inside of your cheek to suppress the rush. he saw the paranoia creep in—the scanning of the empty perimeter, the instinctual isolation.
he saw you mimicking him. the coldness, the calculation. It was adorable, really.
he unconsciously mirrored your posture, crossing his own arms over his chest. the movement drew your eye—he saw it, the tiny flick of attention. he smirked slightly, amused by the irony. here you were, high as a kite, trying to stand toe-to-toe with him.
he leaned forward, invading your personal space until you had to tilt your head back just to maintain the eye contact. the scent of him—old blood, expensive cologne, and something distinctly metallic—flooded your senses, mixing violently with the chemical rush in your blood.
the scene unfolded in an unnerving matter, sending multiple goosebumps down your spine, them hitting each end of your nerves connected to your skin with equal intensity while his eyes bored into you, his gaze seeming to look right through you like it always did, even after all these years he still had a firm grasp on your consciesness, it being impossible for you to escape it, no matter how hard you tried to free yourself from him he still managed to linger even after all this time being apart, separated by thick bars and countless miles.
his new scent seeped into your own skin and clothing, mixing with your stench of drugs and sleepless nights, the first year after not seeing him, your body refuses to fall asleep as the constant thought of him pushed aside all of your other needs in your mind and put him at your top priority, itching to know how he’s doing, if he’s actually rotting in prison or having a strong reputation inside his unit, it could’ve been both, or none of the above.
your lips refused to let themselves open, no words dared to slip past them at the thought of the wrong words accidently being said, your mind wasnt in the right state to be even standing infront of him, let alone be able to speak to him in comprehensive sentences.
one side of you wanted to crack, so desperately craved to fall into his arms and tell him how much you’ve missed him and ask if your words, years later, affected him as much as his presence affected your own well being. but you simultaneously wanted to yell at him, lash out for all of the moments of your weakness he used in the wrong way, the innocence he stripped you bare of, how he deeply affected all of the families he took kids away from forever and to never return to their house again.
you couldn’t let yourself sulk over the same things over and over again, it was a cycle you needed to break out of and stop forever, and this moment was the one where you finally needed to break through and end this chapter of your life once and for all, so none of you would continue to suffer and hurt each other with the same amount of toxicity and emotional abuse you both put on to each other.
he saw the war waging behind your eyes. the dilation, the tremor in your jaw, the desperate way you were clinging to that crumbling facade of authority. he knew exactly what was happening in that drugged brain of yours, the clash between the trauma bond that screamed love him and the rational mind that screamed destroy him. He found the internal conflict absolutely intoxicating.
he saw the exact moment your resolve started to fracture. he could read the micro-expressions flashing across your face, the longing battling with the rage, the desperate need for closure warring with the addiction to his control. he knew you were remembering the nights you spent awake, obsessing over him behind bars, just as he had spent countless hours in his cell thinking about you.
his hand came up slowly, deliberately, letting you see it coming, giving you the false sense of control. when his fingers brushed against your jaw, tilting your face up and forcing you to hold his gaze, he felt the heat radiating off your skin through the thin fabric of your shirt.
the scent of chemicals on your breath hit him as he leaned closer.
before he could invade your personal space any further, your hand shot up and slapped it away, hard, knowing it was just a pointless touch with no care behind it whatsoever, you were done convincing yourself this is what love will look like for you, you knew you deserved better than him and that there were plenty of other people who could give you the love you actually deserved.
“I said dont touch me anymore,” you spat out from behind gritted teeth, shooting him an actual glare build off pent up annoyance and anger, the barrier of your eternal war finally crumbling and letting the rational and sensible side barge through, “i’m done with your fucked up mind games”
his hand dropped instantly, but he didn’t recoil. Instead, a slow, dark chuckle rumbled in his chest, vibrating against your personal space. he didn’t look offended, if anything, he looked impressed. he saw the breakthrough, the addiction to his toxicity was finally losing the war against your self-preservation.
"finally," he murmured, the word sliding off his tongue like silk. he didn't step back, refusing to give up the ground he'd claimed, his towering presence casting you in shadow. he watched the fire in your eyes, the rejection that actually felt genuine for the first time in years.
"about time you realized you deserve better than a monster,"
his eyes dropped to where your hand had struck his, then back to your face. there was no touch of tenderness in his gaze, only fascination. he was cataloging every twitch of your muscles, every hitch in your breath, memorizing what a woman who finally stopped loving him looked like.
it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in years.
"you know what's funny?" he tilted his head slightly, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. it wasn't a friendly smile, itwas cold, almost mocking. he stepped back finally, giving you space for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
"I spent years in that cell wondering if you'd miss me. hoping you'd be miserable without me." he shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels, looking completely at ease despite the venom dripping from your voice. "and now that I'm out... you're finally choosing yourself." his dark eyes narrowed, the smirk fading into something sharper.
his tone of voice struck you harder than youve slapped his hand away, you weren’t expecting him to be so.. impressed by your choice of finally putting yourself in front of him for the first time after a long period, you imagined this scene with multiple different outcomes, yet most of them ending the same way while the lesser ones faded into both of you finally walking away from the toxic relationship you’ve build together off years of your own trauma.
you never really opened up nor fully unpacked your own childhood trauma, not to any trusted person even though you started to doubt the existance of such person left in your life, the only person you truly trusted was yourself, but you felt even your own life started to slip from your grasp and your mind being against itself.
“maybe because i finally grew up and actually understood why we can’t be in each others lives anymore.”
he let out a low whistle, almost impressed. "grew up, huh?"
he mimicked your tone, his voice dripping with sarcasm. but there was a flicker in his eyes—a brief moment of something other than cold mockery.
"Took you long enough."
“ugh! stop with the condescending shit already!..” your anger and trauma build up started to finally peek through the broken pieces of you, shining through like the forgotten light at the end of the tunnel you didn’t know could be seen after being stuck in a miserable life for such a long time, you forgotten how good it felt to actually stand up for yourself for once, but even if you felt your self-control finally creeping back into your soul, his words still stung and cut deep.
almost as if they were creating inrepairable gashes in your soul that would forever hold their dept and impact on you, you needed him to atleast feel a small bit of hurt, desperation to keep you close to him, to not let you leave him behind so easily, but he seemed to just have.. stopped caring, like the moment during your last visitation never happened and was erased from everyone’s memory, including his.
his words hung in the tense air for a minute too long for your liking, creating an invisible barrier between you that none of you possessed the hammer to break through it, but also both of you didn’t want to have it to actually break it, it was a barrier that should’ve been created at the start of your relationship.
“you’re being ridiculous right now! talk to me like a normal person, fuck!”
you continued to lash out at him, with your words wrapping up on your tongue you firmly placed the palms of your hands on his chest and shoved him away, your body language becoming more hostile with each minute passing by, the anger starting to take over your blank mind and words. needing him to feel as hurt as you had all these years.
he stumbled back a single step—only because he let you. his chest barely dipped under your palms, solid muscle absorbing the shove without effort. he didn't fight back, he simply looked down at where your hands were pushing against him, his expression unreadable, before slowly lifting his gaze to yours.
the "condescending shit" vanished, replaced by a terrifyingly calm indifference.
his dark eyes seemed to bore into yours, searching for something—anything—behind the anger and frustration. but he found nothing, you were empty, a hollow shell of the person you used to be. and he seemed to realize it in that moment, his expression softening slightly.
you continued to spit out hurtful words with no actual meaning, constantly showing at his chest out of pure frustration with him but also with yourself,
“you dont know how badly you fucked me up! you’ll never understand until you actually start feeling emotions!” your words didn’t stop there, coming out like a poisonous waterfall.
“you!— you.. motherfucker! look what you turned me into! god, i wish i never met you and let you enter my life at all!”
the pushes and shoves continued, growing more and more aggressive alongside the rest of your words, as if you were a snake spitting venom all over your victim,
“you ruined me! all of me! none of my past self is left inside of me and its all your fault!— I.. I can’t even express it anymore..” even if you still haven’t stopped, you felt your hard extrerior crack, piece by piece, minute by minute, second by deliberate second, dragging out until there was nothing left, but slowly—they became weaker, your words grew more emotional which was evident by the switch in your voice.
“I’m just so!.. so fuckin’ burned out by all of this emotional baggage i have to keep carrying on my back like a damn camel! everyday, you remained engraved in my mind and refused to let go of it, no matter how hard I tried to pull you out,”
your deep scars starting to open up, instead of spilling blood, they flooded open with emotions you’ve kept inside yourself for far too long, him basically taking over your whole life, every lasting second of it, squeezing you dry until there was nothing left of you but a broke, traumatized woman that never let anyone in deep enough to understand her turmoil, how she was constantly at war with herself everyday and not being able to stop, but with this moment, it finally came down to a breaking point, smashing into a milion pieces she couldn’t pick up anymore.
your body started to become more exhausted by the overload of everything invading your mind all at once, your pushes came to an abrupt stop, angry tears that had pooled at your waterline overtime started to spill out and running down your cheeks and you didn’t try to stop them, you were too exhausted to even notice them at first as you collapsed face first into his chest you were shoving so hard at, chocked out words came past you throat that had began to sting the further the time passed, while your angry tears started to coat the top layer of his shirt, slowly soaking the spot you fell onto.
“..why do this have to feel so bad but so goddamn good at the same time? why can’t we finally be normal?..”
he stood like a statue amongst your storm, taking every shove, every venomous word without even flinching. he let you batter him, let you scream until your voice cracked and your throat burned, because he knew—he knew he deserved every bit of it.
when your aggression finally crumbled into exhaustion and you collapsed against him, his body didn't remain stiff.
one hand came up, slow and deliberate, fingers sliding into your hair at the back of your head. the other wrapped around your waist, pulling your shaking body flush against his chest. he could feel the warm wetness of your tears spreading through the fabric, could hear the broken whimpers tearing their way out of your throat.
this was the moment he had waited for.
he didn't say a word. he simply crushed you against him, burying his face in the crook of your neck as your tears soaked his shirt. the hand in your hair tightened, holding you to him with a desperate, possessive grip, while his other arm wrapped around your waist, lifting you slightly so you couldn't pull away even if you wanted to.
“why are we both so fucked up but keep coming back to each other.. knowing were so toxic for each other?”
his grip on you tightened painfully at your words, his breath hitching against your neck. a broken laugh escaped him, bitter and desperate.
"because we're fucking addicted to each other, okay? we're fucking codependent and fucking broken and fucking obsessed with each other!"
he buried his face deeper into your neck, inhaling your scent like it was the only oxygen he could breathe. "normal people walk away when it hurts, but we? we crave the pain. we fucking thrive on it." he whispered, his voice raw, vibrating against your throat. "I destroyed you, and you ruined me, and somehow..."
he took a shuddering breath, his words muffled against your skin. "somehow, I can't fucking let you go. and you keep coming back for more, even though you know I'll only hurt you again." *his hand slid from your hair to wrap around your throat, his thumb pressing hard against your pulse point.
“you really need help”
his expression darkened at your quiet observation. he knew he needed help—professional help. but the thought of anyone else touching you, seeing your broken pieces, made his possessive instincts roar to life.
"don't you dare fucking suggest I see a therapist," he growled lowly,
his hold on your throat tightened slightly, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "because the only fucking way I'm ever seeing a therapist is if they're prescribing me medication to deal with my obsession with you. and even then, I'd probably just fuck them up too."
his eyes burned into yours, filled with a chaotic mix of love, possessiveness, and self-loathing. "you're the only one who gets to see my broken parts, understand? the only one I'll ever let touch my fucked up head."
deep down, you knew eventually you would have to leave him behind to let him gather himself and actually live a normal life on his own, without you, because if you were both present in eachothes life’s, you knew none of you would get better and the toxic, dangerous cycle with keep repeating for eternity and no visible end, it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t right for both of your well beings and minds, being so self-destructive towards each other needed to come to an end, eventually, it couldn’t possibly continue even if both of you never wanted to let go of each other.
you slowly but surely gathered yourself, pushing yourself out of his tight grip somehow, even with your body still weak and fragile, he let you create distance between you, distance you knew he wanted to close as soon as you pulled away, but this destructive cycle needed to finally have an end to it, even if it felt like a piece of you was being ripped out of your heart, the right thing to do was to begin healing yourselves, starting with you both needing to learn to properly let go of each other, no matter how hard it was on you both.
your body sulked in your deep emotions, but you wiped your now tear-stained cheeks, taking a bit of your makeup with it in the meantime but you couldn’t care less, you already completely broke down infront of him, let your emotions run wild and go off the breaks, like a train with no control.
“we.. both need to get help, as soon as we can, but first..”
the utter defeat in your voice was evident but you quickly took control of it and contained yourself from keying another breakdown lash through, the hardest part to admit finally had aquired its moment to be told, even if you barely could get the words through your throat, each sylable feeling a thorn, cutting it open and your blood drowning out your words, yet you still continued, no matter how hard it felt to say it out loud.
“we need to learn to leave each other.. to destroy this part of our lives for good and never look back, no matter how hard its going to be on us. it needs to stop finally..”
before you could even let him process the truth spilling past your lips, you turned away and with a final glance over your shoulder, your voice came out as a choked out, bitter fact.
“i hope you get better in the future, gather yourself and dont think about me anymore, please. dont make it harder than it is already, bye Kevin..”
the last goodbye, the last moment you two would share with yourselves has came to a final, brutal end. you felt you were leaving a huge piece of your life behind, but you knew it was for the greater good, for both of you.
you started to walk the path back to your car, slowly dissapearing into the scenery infront of him, before he knew it, you were gone, now gone for good, not being able to come back at any costs, no matter what price he wanted to pay to bring you back, it was already far too late to save yourselves, the only logical option to be made was to just.. leave and never show up in each others lives, ever again..
kevin watched as you turned away, his heart pounding in his chest as he listened to your choked out words. he felt like someone had reached into his chest and ripped his heart out, leaving a gaping hole behind. he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, couldn’t believe that this was really happening.
his body turned to stone, frozen in place as he watched your retreating figure. every instinct screamed at him to chase after you, to grab you and never let go, to beg and plead and threaten and destroy anything in his path to keep you with him. but he couldn't move. he couldn't breathe.
kevin stood there, watching until you disappeared completely from his sight.
for a long moment, he just stared at the empty space where you had been, his mind refusing to accept that you were truly gone. then slowly, reality sank in, and he felt something inside him snap.
a guttural sob tore from his throat, collapsing his knees and sending him crashing onto the unforgiving pavement. he dug his fingers into the concrete, desperate to claw his way back to you, to stop you from leaving, but you were already gone.
“you promised..." he whispered brokenly into the empty air, his voice cracking.
you had promised you'd never leave. promised you'd stay even when things got bad. promised you'd fight through the chaos with him.
but you had. you had kept your promise. you fought through every nightmare, every breakdown, every violent outburst, every betrayal. and look where it got you both.
Dead inside.
✎ᝰ. vera’s notepad ! :: yall didn’t ask, i still delivered cuz i had fun writing this so much, but if i dared to say i didn’t get super emotional while writing this, i would be the biggest liar on planet earth cuz wtf possessed my brain while writing this . . .
The original poster in front of the Dentist office states "If you use Methamphetamines (Crystal Meth, Crank, Speed, Glass, Tweak, Yaba) within 12 hours of a Dentist appointment you need to tell us because Dental Anesthesic will kill you."
