can we discuss how ‘fallen’ by evanescence is legit the story of virgil’s life. the album starts at a miserable place as the singer slowly realises she is miserable and trapped in a toxic environment for her which has made her numb and the realisation that she cannot go on like this anymore. everybody’s fool critiques unrealistic, fake lies and standards set to make people feel inferior and miserable, which could represent his attitude towards a certain deceitful side iykyk.
then we get tourniquet which is literally about suicide (the fandom likes interpreting ducking out as such) and then imaginary which is literally on virgil’s actual playlist and i like to see it as his interpretation of whatever state he was left in during the events of excepting/accepting anxiety.
going a little out of order but bring me to life is realising that you are in a dangerous place where you are essentially dead and you need someone to call out your name (‘where is anxiety?’) and save him from the DARK yes that’s right guys think about it. THINK.
the album ends on notes of loss; shedding what you had in the past in order to survive. pretty poignant given what virgil’s arc is about.
i believe that thomas & co. fully planned the accepting anxiety arc by the q&a episode which is why virgil mentions evanescence. it was literally them cluing us in to the entire storyline.
virgil’s whole arc was about him learning to accept himself as being a ‘good guy’ as well as his role as anxiety, which he was feeling increasingly hopeless about, saying that he felt he held thomas back and wasn’t really necessary anymore (literally feeling numb and hollowed out). ducking out could represent many things and i have my own thoughts which i will not divulge here but there’s no doubt that it could be interpreted as him cutting himself off from his ‘life’ (aka thomas and protecting him) and the others coming to rescue him is literally ‘bringing him to life’ again. guyyyssssss
Still one of my favorites lol. Good luck out there! (good duck? good d'luck out there?)
Anyway, if you want stickers of this, here's the download:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/33528328
It wasn't worth it. After everything he had done to get here...it wasn't worth it.
He gave up everything and it still wasn't worth it.
It wasn't worth the mockery or the scorn. The endless whining from the others or their ignoring him.
It just wasn't worth it.
So Janus locked his door, closing out the sounds of all of the others having fun during family movie night. Something he had never been invited to and now never would be. It would never be his turn to pick a movie or hold the popcorn bowl. Or have someone lean against him.
He was the villain, villains don't get nice things. They get hatred and dismissals. They get to make their own food while everyone else eats together. They get their appearance sneered at, whispered about with disgust.
Remus had been nice he thought as he watched the seam between the door and it’s frame slowly fade. He just...he had found his place. Janus wasn’t going to stop that. He had his brother back.
And Virgil.
Janus took off his hat and set it on his nightstand. Where to start with someone like Virgil and the mess that their relationship was? Janus was in no way blameless but neither was Virgil. They had once worked side by side anxiety and self preservation worked smoothly together after all. They were basically the same thing. That’s what Janus was betting on now. That Virgil could take over for him.
Maybe he would do even better than Janus could just like he jokingly claimed for years.
Maybe that was never a joke.
“You were never on my side.” Virgil had said before walking out. Going to find his place in the light and the happy.
Then Janus strolled in and ruined it.
Janus grabbed a soft pair of pjs, Black with gold seams and trim. A gift from Remus. The shirt had a green bleeding heart on it. Something Janus rested his hand on as he sat on his bed watching the door handle melt away leaving behind a blank wall.
Janus wasn’t one to cry but he felt like crying now. He felt like letting himself enjoy his last moments in the only way he had found himself happy in the last few years since Virgil left. Since he found his trust in everyone broken and he was alone.
He let himself be little. Shapeshifting as he was prone to do into a toddler. His pjs shifting with him, keeping him warm and despite the fading furniture and dimming lights he felt safe. Just like he was going to sleep after a long long day.
He wondered idly if he should tell Remus about his age regression sometime as he curled up in bed. Yawning widely as he grabbed his stuffed teddy bear that was almost as big as he was and the pacifier that hung from a clip from the bear’s yellow bow tie.
It was cold outside his blankets. But he was safe and warm and sleepy under the heavy blankets. So he closed his eyes to sleep. Blissfully forgetting the fading dresser full of clothing he only wore for himself. The top was covered in makeup he had used to cover his scales and a contact lens so he could look in the mirror and feel normal.
The desk that was stuffed full of plans and dreams and drawers from when he was small or artwork from Remus. He hoped that Remus knew how much he loved every gory or splatter paint picture he was given. That the handful of handmade paperweights that held down stacks of notes were sometimes the only things he really cared about.
The two pictures that hung on the wall over his bed fading, one of the three of them all together, caught a rare time Virgil was smiling on camera. The man that took the picture had locked himself away after Virgil left. From anger or grief Janus never found out. The second picture was of Remus and Janus together in the same place as the first picture. Smiling together for the first time since their dark little family broke.
Remus would be fine. Virgil would be fine. Even the others would be fine. This was going to be worth it.
----
Virgil frowned as the movie ended. He couldn’t get rid of this nagging feeling that something was off. He knew that if he mentioned it then Roman would roll his eyes and made some comment about that being always. Logan would ask him to explain and he wouldn’t have one. Patton would be concerned and go to check on Thomas. Remus would suggest something that would either make him scoff or make it worse. Janus would-
Virgil looked over at the empty spot on the couch where Janus would sneak in half way through the movie and sit down next to Logan. He hadn’t heard a single sly comment or seen a single slight smile at something someone said. He hadn’t heard him ask Remus to “please don’t push anyone” and “yes don’t keep your pants on wait no you know that was a lie! REMUS!”
In fact he couldn’t remember seeing Janus all day. Except that morning where he caught him staring at them while they had breakfast. He had looked tired so Virgil assumed he wasn’t up to anything at the moment and got back to the joking conversion.
Thinking back, Janus hadn’t looked not tired in at least a week. Was he not sleeping? Was something else wrong? Was he getting sick? Virgil shook his head. Why was he worried about the snake anyway?
“Did the carpet offend you?” Logan asked.
Virgil looked up to see everyone staring at him, almost everyone was standing and making their way around the room cleaning up to go to bed. “No...Just thinking.”
“Worrying you mean.” Roman corrected. Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Your leg was bouncing, you only do that when you’re worrying.”
“I...Just wondering where Janus was.” He admitted. He expected Roman to scoff and agree with his thoughts that he shouldn’t worry about Janus.
Instead Roman frowned, “He didn’t banter with me this evening.” He almost sounded disappointed. “Not that your banter isn’t good.” Roman said address the rest of the room. “Well….Remus’ isn’t.”
“I’ll take that!” Remus said waking up from where he was dozing.
“No that...that wasn’t a compliment.” Logan said.
“I’ll still take it. I’m not picky.” Remus yawned his jaw cracking before he looking around the room. “Oh Dee already in bed?”
“We were just talking about that.” Patton said.
“Why? someone planning on joining him?” Remus asked stretching, he didn’t put the normal amount of wiggle in his movements as he just woke up.
“He didn’t show up since breakfast.” Virgil said.
“He told me he was going back to bed.” Patton said frowning. “This is a long time to be asleep.”
“Do you think he lied?” Roman said flatly.
Virgil’s leg was bouncing again having stopped it when Roman pointed it out. He jumped to his feet. “I’m going to go check.”
“Let him sleep.” Remus said. “We can poke him in the morning but I’m not risking snake bites this late.”
That stopped everyone from wanting to check. “Yeah. It’s best not to wake him.”
With that they went to bed. Roman not noticing there was a door missing in the hallway next to his door. Not wanting to peer into the darkness before going to sleep. He’d rather not have nightmares or worries about some sleep deprived creative thought monster.
---
Everyone was downstairs except for Janus again. No one thought about last night’s conversion till Thomas almost stepped on broken glass after seeing it. “DAMN IT JANUS DO YOUR JOB!” Virgil yelled from on top of the fridge which he jumped on when he got back to the kitchen.
Silence. No laughter or smart remarks about maybe that was actually VIrgil’s job. No rolling of eyes or dramatic rising up with a sharp reminder that this was why he was here.
Nothing.
Everyone waiting staring at the kitchen doorway, but no Janus appeared. Virgil was a ball of nerves at this point and frozen to the spot. “This is bad… this is really really bad.”
“I’ll go poke the sleeping snake.” Remus said ignoring this sharp fear that was tearing into his rib cage.
Remus left the kitchen and a few moments later there was a loud scream. Everyone rushed out of the room, Virgil having to get off the fridge. He pushed past Patton who was covering his mouth and Roman who was just starting to see a blank wall where Janus’ door had been, Remus’ morning star embedded in the wood and he was clawing at the paint.
Logan gently pulled Remus away before he could damage his hands. “Look we’ve been through this before,” Logan’s voice was shaky. “We go get Thomas and then...we go talk to Janus.”
“If he’s still there.” Remus bluntly said what they were all thinking.
If he had been gone since yesterday morning. They didn’t know how long it took sides to duck out completely, if they could vanish or not. But Virgil remembered how he felt when he ducked out. How he wanted to sleep so badly and everything was so...grey and washed out before everyone came to get him.
---
Janus woke up to someone calling his name. To Virgil calling his name. If he was big he would have been shocked, maybe angry that Virgil would break into his room after leaving. But he wasn’t big. He was small and very very happy to hear Virgil.
“Veevee?” He whispered from under the covers, forgetting that he was supposed to keep his age regression a secret. The covers were yanked back and he was met with six pairs of shocked eyes. He sat up and shivered at the cold. He saw Virgil reach for him before there was a blur of black and green and he was in Remus’ arms.
“You broke him!” Remus yelled angry, his eyes were red and puffy.
“Ree you crying?” Janus asked concerned putting a hand on Remus’ cheek. Remus looked at him with the softest smile Janus had ever seen on his face.
“Don’t worry about that, I’m just glad you’re ok.” Remus promised truthfully.
“He isn’t ok!” Virgil snapped, “He’s….small.” Virgil yelled causing Janus to shy away from the loud into Remus’ chest.
Logan stepped in between them before Remus could snap back. “We can figure this out. Granted this is an..” He looked at Janus, who waved. “Unexpected result of him ducking out.”
“Do you think he ducked out or did that do it?” Roman asked crossing his arms. Not angry just confused.
Patton stepped closer and held out his hands oftering Janus a chance to go to him. “You want to come here kiddo?”
“No thank you, I wanna stay with Ree.” Janus said gripping Remus’ sash tightly. Remus smiled at that, and gave Janus a small squeeze.
“Wait so Janus is a kid now?” Thomas said. “And no one knows how that happened?” He asked looking towards Logan.
“I do.” Janus said looking at Remus’ sash in his hand.
“Think you can tell us?” Patton asked gently.
Janus whimpered and looked to Remus. Remus nodded encouragingly.
“I like being little.” Janus whispered mostly to Remus. This was a big secret but he trusted Remus. “I gots book on it.” He pointed to his desk. Remus walked over and dug around till he found the right book. With a nod from Janus that it was correct he handed it to Logan.
Logan flipped it open. “oh...I see. Janus?”
Janus looked up at him. “Do you age regress?” Janus nodded.
“What’s that?”
“Let’s go to the living room for this. It’s still cold in here.”
---
Janus sat in Remus’ lap as Logan explained to everyone what age regression was. Patton thought it was cute. Roman and Virgil were surprisingly supportive of it and Remus and Logan had no judgments on it.
Thomas was sitting watching Janus playing with Remus’ hands and giggling. “He’s happy like this.”
Logan was in the middle of speaking and blinked at being cut off before looking over at Janus, “Yes. it appears he is.”
“I can’t remember seeing him actually happy before.” Thomas said. The room was silent for a long time before Janus started chewing on Remus’ finger.
“Don’t,” Virgil said softly pulling the finger away. “Remus’ hands aren’t for chewing.”
“Mm hungy.” Janus whined squirmed to grab Remus’ hand again. Remus, who was shockingly good with small Janus gasped.
“You would eat me? Eat your best friend?” He asked shocked.
Janus shook his head. “Noooo!”
“Oh...well who will you eat?” Remus asked waving his hand towards everyone else in the room.
Janus giggled, “No one!”
“No one?” Remus gasped again. “Then I guess we’ll starve.”
“No stave!” Janus said, shoving on Remus’ chest. Remus laughed.
“I’ll get him something to eat.” Patton said, faking a smile. When was the last time he had seen Janus happy?
Thomas left he still had broken glass to clean up and he needed time to think about this.
Roman walked over to the pair on the couch slowly before sitting down next to them. Janus surprised him by crawling into his lap. Remus cried out. “Betrayal.”
“Haha!” Janus laughed, grabbing Roman’s sash to pull himself up to stand on his lap. He reached up to pat at Remus’ hair. Roman held on to him as he staggered slightly.
“You really are happy like this.” Virgil said.
Janus nodded. “Mm! Cuz...cuz den it ike no hate me!” Janus said far too cheerful for what he just said.
“Hates you?” Logan asked.
Janus sat down in Roman’s lap and nodded. His grin fading. He glared at the Roman’s hand as he held onto it. “Cuz mm evil and no good! So EVERYONE yells no! An makes me lonely!”
“I made you feel lonely?” Remus asked staring.
Janus sniffed. “You got family! And...mm lone. So...I had go way!” Janus sobbed before wailing. Roman quickly scooped him up to his chest and bounced him.
“Shhh no it’s ok. You aren’t alone. You’re safe now.” Roman muttered. “No one hates you.” Virgil caught the way that Roman’s eyes flickered to his for just a second before he focused on handing the wailing toddler over to his brother.
Remus looked heartbroken and was doing his best to calm Janus down. Virgil, Roman and Logan watched unsure what to do.
“Food?” Patton asked hoping that would distract Janus. Thankfully it did.
Janus sniffed and hiccuped as he looked over at the plate of cut into stars pb and j sandwiches. He grabbed one and stared at it, tears in the corner of his eyes, forgotten by the star shaped food. He held it out towards Logan. “Look! It’s you favit!”
Logan froze, “Yes. It is.” He said softly. Janus shook it until he walked over and took it. Then Janus grabbed one and handed it to Roman, then to Patton, then Remus.
“Vee you need one too!” Janus said, excited to have family dinner for once. Virgil moved over and gently took the slightly squashed sandwich star.
“Thank you.” He said.
Janus beamed and started eating. Everyone slowly eating as well. Then Janus wrinkled his nose and smacked his lips before whining. “I think someone needs a drink.” Remus commented lightly. Janus nodded before shoving more sandwich into his mouth.
“I’ll get it.” Virgil said quickly bolting from the room. It felt hard to breathe. He was shaking as he leaned on the counter and focused on breathing. Janus had tried to duck out. Janus thought they hated him. Janus had to turn into a FREAKING KID to feel HAPPINESS!
“Deep breathes Dark and cautious.” Roman said gently removing Virgil’s tight grip on the countertop.
“Be honest, did I fuck him up?” Virgil asked closing his eyes. “Is this my fault?”
“Virge..”
“Because I left….I’ve never reached out and now...He thinks everyone hates him, I encouraged everyone to hate him! I knew how hard it was to be accepted and I made it harder for him!” Virgil shut his eyes tighter hoping that would block out the tears that threatened to fall.
Roman pulled him into a hug, tapping an even rhythm for Virgil to breathe too. “We’ve all hurt him. Now we have a chance to make it right.”
“We almost didn’t!” Virgil protested.
“But we do now. He’s safe Virge.” Roman said pulling away slightly so that Virgil could see his face.
Virgil nodded, “Ok….”
“Where’s that drink?” Remus yelled. Virgil cursed and grabbed the milk, Roman snapped and a gold colored sippy cup with a cartoon snake on it appeared in his hands. He opened the lid and let Virgil pour in the milk, not commenting on the small spill from Virgil’s shaking hands.
“Take a breather.” Roman said gently as Virgil moved to go back. Virgil nodded and Roman left from the kitchen. He listened as Janus excitedly babbled about the snake and the color and he always wanted a sippy and thank you Roman!
When had he last been this happy?
Virgil guessed it had been years. He hoped that Roman was right about them being able to fix it.
---
They were getting ready for bed, Remus going to have Janus sleep in his room with him. No one wanted to let Janus go back to his room till he was bigger and they had a talk about it. Everyone said goodnight to Janus and left Remus to take care of Janus for the night.
Janus was sitting on Remus’ bed while Remus cleaned up all the sharp items that Janus could reach. He got out of his headspace and shifted back naturally before the reality of the situation hit him. He hadn’t succeeded, he had regressed in front of all of them.
He had made Remus cry.
He froze as Remus turned and saw him. He braced himself to get yelled at, he didn’t think Remus would tackle him hugging tightly enough that it felt like he cracked his ribs. “Janny.”
“I’m sorry.” Janus sobbed. Remus pulled back and grabbed Janus’ face with both hands.
“No..nonono! Janus.” Remus smiled at him so damn relieved. “I’m just glad you’re ok. I thought...I thought It was my fault.”
“What?” Janus asked.
“Virgil was worried and wanted to check on you. Right away he knew...he knew something was wrong. That you weren’t ok and I told everyone to give you space, and...I almost lost you.” Remus whispered the last two words.
Janus hugged Remus this time. They clung to each other tightly. Each whispering apologies and wiping away tears until they trailed off into silence and just lay there together.
“I promise I’m going to make you feel less alone.” Remus said firmly.
“Promise?” Janus said half little again.
“I promise baby snake.” Remus said picking up on the shift in Janus’ tone. Janus dropped but didn’t shape shift this time. He wanted to be bigger so he could still hug Remus good.
Janus yawned. Remus made a pacifier for him and held it out. Janus popped it in his mouth and snuggled closer to Remus. “Wub u.”
“I love you too Janny. So much.” Remus said holding him. Janus fell asleep and Remus watched him as his thoughts repeated the events of the past few weeks in his head. The way he drifted away from Janus. Let Janus be left behind.
Part of him knew that Virgil was a big reason that Janus tried to…
But he could also pin part of the blame on everyone else too. It was three in the morning before he drifted off to sleep. Protectively curled around his best friend.
---
Patton was up early looking at the five chairs at the table. Six people, five chairs. He had never added one. Janus had been ‘accepted’ and he never thought to invite him for dinner. Truth be told he thought Janus would stroll in when he was ready and give himself a chair like Remus did one evening.
Now he could see that Janus had been waiting for that small offering to make himself welcome. He couldn’t remember inviting Janus to anything. Half the time he showed up halfway through.
Did...did no think to invite him? Did they really just let it be some unspoken thing? Clearly it should have been spoken.
Patton added a sixth chair before starting breakfast. Big or little, Janus needed care. Patton planned on giving it.
---
Logan didn’t sleep. He had been up with Roman talking about setting up a play area for little Janus, what items they would need, foods that he should and shouldn’t have.
“Roman you can’t make everything shades of yellow and snakes.” Logan said for the fifth time.
“He likes those.” Roman protested.
“He likes other things as well.” Logan said.
“Like?” They both come up empty and felt a bit bad about that.
“We can ask?” Logan said.
Roman was quick to agree. Patton knocked and called them down for breakfast. They tidied up their notes before making their way down.
Janus was clearly big and very nervous as he sat next to Remus at the table staring at the placemat in front of him.
Roman and Logan looked at each other before going over to get coffee. Breakfast wasn’t going to be pleasant it seemed.
---
“Why?” Patton asked breaking ten minutes of silence. Remus tightened his grip on Janus’ hand under the table.
“Pat maybe we should..um wait-”
“No.” Janus said before looking up for the first time since the tense meal started. He was met with guilt, confusion, concern. No anger.
That would have made it easier.
“I wanted to feel better….or rather I wanted to feel nothing.” Janus laughed without humor. “I wanted to get away from living every day the same way. Going to bed feeling hated and wrong and…” Janus’ free hand brushed the scales on his cheek and the word was left unspoken but everyone knew what he meant.
Janus took a calming breath. “I was wrong to do that. I’m sorry.” He dropped his gaze down towards the tabletop where he had pushed his full plate away.
“What did you think we were going to do without you?” Logan asked, “You know everyone has an important role to play.”
“True but.” Janus’ eyes flickered to Virgil’s. Virgil’s eyes widened.
“No.”
“You always said you could do my job better.” Janus said smiling like that joke wasn’t some stinging comment that stuck with him.
“I didn’t mean it!” Virgil said, “You of all people should know when someone is lying.”
“I never sounded like one.” Janus said causing Virgil to look away.
“Well we DO need you.” Roman admitted. “And..we don’t hate you.”
“Wow really going out on a limb to make him feel better. Great job everyone!” Remus said smiling sharply.
“What do you want us to say?” Patton asked.
Remus turned towards him. “Sorry maybe?” A couple of them opened their mouths to speak. “Nope. too late. Now you show it through actions.”
“Remus. Stop.” Janus said. He stood up. “Things...aren’t going back to the way they used to be. But I don’t want apologies or gravelling. I want…”
“Yes?” Logan asked.
Family. Janus’ throat caught on the word. He coughed into his fist. “Family.” He said the word bitterly like the name of an old enemy, instead of a coveted item.
“We’ll work on it.”
For the first time that morning Janus smiled genuinely.
---
Janus was little and it was movie night. He pulled out a scooby doo movie and was bouncing on the couch while Roman set it up. “No bouncing.” Patton said from the kitchin doorway were he and Virgil were making popcorn.
“Awwww!” Janus groaned flopping down.
“You too remus.” Patton added.
“AWWWW!” Remus groaned too, flopping down as well making Janus laugh before climbing up to sit on Remus’ back.
Logan picked Janus up so Remus could sit up. Janus stole his glasses and put them on. “Does these make me art too?” He asked holding the too big glasses on with both hands.
“You’re already smart.” Logan promised taking the glasses back.
Janus gasped. “Even arter than Ro?” He whispered.
“I heard that!” Roman yelled from his chair. Janus giggled and stuck his tongue out. Roman snapped his fingers and Janus’ hat appeared and landed on his head falling over his eyes causing him to squeak and laugh.
Janus and Remus started a game of peek a boo while Virgil walked in with a tray of drinks. Apple cider, five mugs and a sippy cup. Janus saw them and gasped. “Gimme!”
“Magic word?”
“Pease!” Janus yelled, reaching so far he almost fell.
Virgil handed him his cup, took his hat and ruffled his hair. “Thanks!”
They sat down, Janus in Remus’ lap with his sippy cup. Patton next to him with the popcorn, the father figure keeping a careful eye on just how much popcorn the little was eating.
And stopped Remus from throwing his at Roman.
Half way through the movie Janus leaned his head on Remus’ chest, his eyes drooping. He was sleepy and warm and safe.
Don’t think about Roman mentioning quietly to Virgil that he wants to duck out and Virgil trying to lighten the mood with something like “I already tried that, remember, Princey? Can’t go copying me” and Roman’s eyes just go impossibly more dull and says “yeah well. Guess I can’t even be creative anymore”.
Patton's only reason preventing him from ducking out is that he's the one to make dinner. Other then that, he was a selfish frog monster who deserved to be ignored.
When he sees Janus making dinner and people already waiting (when Patton cooked it, barely anyone showed up and he had to bring it to their rooms) for their food to be set, a plan forms inside Patton's head.
Logans whole purpose is to provide information to Thomas, and be helpful. While Roman has a bias to Thomas's passions and Patton has a bias to being a Good PersonTM, Logan just provides info. The reason he represses his emotions is so he can serve his function, to provide information to Thomas. Because of the recent episodes, and the fact that Thomas has been completely ignoring him, Logan is most likely going to limit interaction to the point where he is only there in Thomas's mind, like Virgil in the first few episodes, rather than ducking out
The reason Virgil ducked out, is because he thought it would be BETTER for Thomas if he wasnt there. This does not apply to Logan. He KNOWS that if he leaves, Thomas will possibly be confused and overall not a functioning being. He will not know how to walk, how to speak coherently, how gravity or math works, everything would be gone. He knows this.
It's not in character for Logan. He dosent want attention. He dosent want to express emotion. He would most likely veiw himself ducking out, especially since he knows what would happen to thomas if he did, as a cowards way out. HIMSELF. Virgil didnt have all the facts.
So overall, Logan is most likely not going to duck out, because he understands that it would hurt Thomas. He is more likely to work himself into exhaustion to the point where he passes out on his couch, unable to hear the others when they try to pull him up as the logang thinks, but hes not going to duck out.
(janus angst time. i feel like i havent posted a story in a while!)
tags: @idkanameatall
warnings: ducking out, crying/tears.
words: 1058
- sometimes being alone hurts-
Janus was okay.
He had been alone before. He was okay with that fact. The sound of only the clock on the wall and the pictures drawn by the others in their younger years. Some in frames, others just pinned to the wall.
it seemed to be the only thing to remind him that someone did care for him a long time ago. Even if they both didn’t now.
Today he had woken with a smile on his face before it was shot off. The realisation that he was now a year older daunting on him.
he had gotten out of bed reluctantly, but seeing how it was the afternoon, he decided that it would be best.
And he spent the day working. Planning out what would need to be done for Thomas if certain scenarios took place and how he could act upon each one. He was still part self-preservation after all.
then he stopped and looked up to the clock that hung on the wall. Seven would be rolling around soon. So, it would be best to start dinner.
He made cupcakes along with some mac and cheese. Opting for something light.
he only decorated the cakes with some frosting and rainbow sprinkles. One candle in a cupcake before blowing it out. knowing that his wish wouldn’t come true even if he wanted it too.
He sat watching a movie eating his dinner and soon birthday cake.
he wasn’t sure why he decided to watch it in the first place. His mind zoning out constantly. Wondering when the others might come.
And soon he was curled up in a blanket still staring at the pearly white door that mocked him. Maybe he could go and visit Thomas. Yeah… that sounded nice.
--
He guessed that Thomas didn’t expect him to show up so suddenly. He watched his host jump six feet in the air before staring at Janus with curious but wary eyes.
“hello Janus?”
“good afternoon Thomas, I hope I'm not intruding by any chance?” he asked nervously.
Thomas was almost stunned as he looked at Janus. His eyes looked puffy… had he been crying?
“no you didn’t… would you like to join me?” he asked.
Janus felt a small weight lift of his chest as he gave a nod and sat down next to Thomas, who was giving of a wave of heat he couldn’t resist melting into his side, he looked at the screen.
he wasn’t surprised to see Disney playing once again. This time being frozen.
it was near the beginning, so he hadn’t missed much. he let a small smile cross his face. he had always felt attached to Elsa. She had been practically shunned for things she couldn’t control.
it reminded him of his left side and ability to lie.
As the movie played, he wasn’t quite aware that he was slowly falling asleep.
--
It had been three days since then. He had given up waiting for the others… instead deciding it wasn’t worth it anymore.
no one cared. Why should they.
Thoughts raced in his mind. The room was completely locked away from everyone unless his host were to bring everyone into his room.
He had ducked out only last night. He had been giddy about it. now he was curled up on his bed feeling lonelier than ever.
He tried to wipe away the tears that fell down. But they weren’t stopping. The fluffy hoodie that had once belonged to Remus was now being worn by Janus.
it had held a small part of a time that had been perfect. Frozen in the past… he wished he could go back and tell himself that he would always be the monster.
When he heard noises in his ears, he felt himself freeze. He peaked up from his space tucked under his desk. They seemed to not be able to see him. He was alright with that.
“Janus?” Thomas asked looking around the room in worry.
he knew Janus was nearby.
He could feel the effects of Janus ducking out leaving as he looked around.
He caught movement from underneath the sleek wooden desk.
he glanced his eyes down before he found himself walking over and looking underneath. His eyes meeting those of ones that looked barely alive.
Any light that used to be in them gone. Dull… dead.
Thomas felt his heart break as he looked at the defeated form of Janus. He had clearly been crying.
“come on buddy, it can’t be comfortable under there,” he muttered as he reached a hand out.
The others stood back, watching their host as he helped get Janus out from underneath the desk.
they hadn’t been happy with him ducking out. Thomas was worse than when Virgil had. And to say there were beyond angry was an understatement… well they were at least.
Then they saw his eyes. And their minds stopped. Just for a brief second.
Janus couldn’t bring himself to look at the others.
“why?” Thomas muttered as he looked at Janus, “why did you duck?”
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” he whispered.
“take what kiddo?” Patton chimed in.
“being alone,” he said simply locking eyes with the father figure.
Everyone felt themselves go quiet despite the already lack of noise… Janus felt the tears pouring. But he couldn’t care. He sniffed as he wiped away the tears that got in his way.
Thomas didn’t say anything. but he pulled Janus into a hug. And it was like a dam had been broken.
Janus wrapped his arms around Thomas and wept. The warm embrace of Thomas was something he didn’t think would set him off. But, then again… he couldn’t remember the last time he had been held so lovingly.
He felt another set of arms wrap around his from his left… and then right. and soon he was sure that everyone had joined in.
between the tears and body heat they were giving off, he felt himself falling asleep standing up.
he buried his head in the crook of Thomas’s neck as he felt himself drifting away.
“it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Thomas said as he fell asleep.
and a small part of him could tell he was telling the truth.
and as he was in Thomas’s embrace, for the first time in forever Janus felt okay.
