Is it just me or is being British and Neurodivergent really sodding difficult???
-There’s such an obsession with manners that no one actually says what they mean and they act like things are fine when they aren’t, because if they didn’t it would be Rude and Socially Unacceptable. So yeah... thanks, it’s hard enough to understand tone of voice, body language, and social convention anyway but sure, let’s turn everything into a bizarre theatre of pleasantries and give neurodivergent people an extra layer of encryption to decipher! Like, how am I supposed to tell the difference between “Yes that would be lovely!” and “Yes. That would be Lovely.” And then our parents tell us not to lie. What the actual?
-Thanks to the good old Stiff Upper Lip, British people are forced to exist in a grey area of mediocrit. Like: ”I’m fine” apparently means “Everything is terrible” and “Not Bad” means “I’m so happy a little bit of wee came out”
- Sarcasm. The act of saying something when you mean the opposite, supposedly for comedic purposes. So even when British people aren’t being serious, they’re saying the opposite of what they mean. And they do the same “sarcastic joke” all the bloody time?
“Lovely weather out there!” Apparently the appropriate response is “Absolutely glorious, isn’t it!” If you actually say what you mean, idk like “no it’s absolutely terrible I left the washing out and my shoes are muddy and my socks are wet and my hair is going to go poof” you get the Eye Roll because you Didn’t Understand The Joke, or if you take the joke further and say “yes it’s lovely I’m totally going for a swim in the sea later” only like 5% of British people will understand you’re continuing the joke, the remaining 95% will look at you with abject disapproval at the mere mention of extreme sports and nudity.
-Despite the deadpan expression and performative niceties, British people are never just a bit miffed if someone’s been a bit rude or annoying. They are incensed. Enraged! But of course, they won’t tell you this. That would be Rude. -If you don’t know the offender personally, (for instance if they are a shop assistant, waiter, bank teller, train conductor, chugger, Jehovah’s Witness, or the cat from two doors down who pood in your nasturtiums) you would be mistaken if you think the appropriate course of action is to ignore it and get on with your day, or to politely but assertively let them know that their conduct is inappropriate (Sound familiar, young neurodivergents?) Nope! What you should do, is write a Strongly Worded Letter.*
* Strongly worded letter: an exercise in advanced sarcasm which challenges the Brit to cram as much passive aggression onto a page of A4 as humanly possible, and to let the offender know in no uncertain terms that the incident severely compromised the stiffness of your upper lip.
-However, if the offender is known to the offendee (a relative, neighbour, housemate, mutual acquaintance) British people will drop subtle hints, like forgetting to put sugar in your tea when you explicitly asked for it, and then lecturing you that it’s not supposed to have sugar in it anyway. As if that isn’t rude. Another way to tell, is if they end an email with “Regards”. That means you’re in trouble!
-Oh, I’m sorry! Did I not mention this one? There is a world of difference between “Kind Regards” and “Regards”. If the regards are kind, the person doesn’t give a sh*t about you. If the regards are neutral, you are literally Satan. And because you’re British, no one is going to sit you down and explain this, or let you know what you did to offend them, condemning you to forever being an unintentional and oblivious douchebag. (And knowing the British, your crime was probably that you put “regards” at the end of the email instead of “kind regards”)
Having taken a step back and analysed my own difficulties in relation to the strange culture in which I live, the fact that I constantly miss social cues and offend people without realising, makes perfect sense. Although I genuinely am sorry that I have!
