In reality, I'm not like what everybody assumes I am. As much as I wish I could be just like the good female lead in every show I've watched, I'm just not. The truth is, I'm not selfless like them. I sometimes find it hard to be happy for others' happiness, and that tears me apart, but I just can't help it. Sometimes, I even envy my friends because I'm super sensitive and easily get hurt. Everybody thinks I'm perfect, but I'm nowhere near that. It's just an act that's been put on that I didn't even know I was starring in. Maybe it's my eloquence in speech or confident aura that gives everybody the wrong notion that I'm so capable and undefeatable. Or it could be a front that's been put up which I didn't even have a clue about. Maybe it's my charismatic behavior or reserved nature that deceives everyone into thinking I'm so strong and resilient and smart and brave. But in reality, I could be stronger, more resilient, smarter, and braver. Again, everybody may believe I'm so perfect, but, in reality, I'm full of imperfections and have many issues. I may appear to be quiet or shy whereas I'm actually so overly self-conscious, hesitant, and awkward. I may even give off the vibe that I'm stuck-up, uninterested, or maybe even cold, but, in reality, it's actually tearing me apart on the inside that I can't fit in the group or join the conversation. It also kills me that I can't get myself to reach out to the person that I love because, the truth is, I'm afraid it will bruise my ego, or that every initiation I make or word I put out is going to make me seem clingy and needy. You may think I'm so attractive or simply super confident for anyone to tell the difference, but I actually have so many self-doubts, and I bet I could fall in love with someone, and it might never be reciprocated. I'm probably stuck in an illusion of my creation or some made-up fairytale gone wrong where I'm on the non-receiving end of unrequited love. Yes, it is believable to me, probably not to you, that I may love someone who may not like me back or that people may not like me or may find me annoying. It's so believable to me because I feel it and think about it all the time. Sometimes, I do seem nice when I'm being all reserved and awkward, and that's because I have to act like I'm all okay. Maybe it's because it's a belief that's long been held that being depressed is some taboo or being down goes against our community's social norms. I know I also appear to be a know-it-all, but there are many things I don't know and that I can't even get myself to comprehend. I admit that I waste so much human energy and thought on countless trivial ideas and sensations that nobody is every going to hear or care about. If you think I spend every living minute doing something productive, then you're definitely mistaken. Sometimes, I spend the whole day just lamenting everything including my life, my past, my present, and my future. And that includes a crush with whom it never really came true, nor were we ever together, but I'm experiencing such devastating heartbreak, despite never being outright rejected or confronted or direct about my feelings, which makes it hard to believe otherwise. In fact, I may not actually be an overachiever or unique. I don't ace my exams anymore, nor do I maintain any healthy and strong relationships with the people around me. I might as well not be but a supporting role in my story who was mistaken for some shining lead. I might never meet someone who will love me the way I love them, and I probably won't ever find a prince charming, but I'm human. I'm my own being, and feeling my feelings is my innate right. I may not be clear about them or yet comprehend the jumble of thoughts in my head, but I have every right to embrace my reality and grasp every opportunity to ruminate and rant on and on about how imperfect my imperfections are. Cause that's what makes me human, and I'm just one of billions of others on this earth. I might just be living in my own bubble after all.
