#emotionalrant

[captainofthefriendship-ship]

Hi tumblr, I don't post much about me and this time I do because I need to vent somehow.

I work as a kind of nurse. I get send to all kinds of homes for the elderly to help the other nurses out, like a substitude nurse.

This work is physically heavy.

3 months ago I had a wrist surgery.

Today I talked to the doctor and he said I could go to work again.

And honestley, I'm terrified. What good is a (expensive) substitute nurse when she can barely do shit?

They advised me to take baby steps, but if I don't work, I don't make money.

I don't know what to do and I am really stressed right now..

[mamfija]

Valentine’s 21 emotions.

I just need to let it out... It seems that my current partner does not really care about celebrations... He did ask me what I wanted to do and what did I want to eat. The thing is... I never had to answer these questions. 

I am not used to being asked questions like this, from my previous experience, the other party always took control over the Valentine’s celebration and I liked it very much. I went to the Shard one year and then before that to one of the best restaurants in town ‘the  Corinthian’ (with white gloves on and everything). It seems like I am reminiscent of the time where I had so much fun, the time that someone cared enough to book restaurants, buy me flowers. I just enjoyed it. The attention, the thoughtfulness, taking control over the celebration, flowers. This year... I had none of the above. And it hurt. Today I fight over the pet names you do NOT use... really? Why can’t you just send me ‘my love’, ‘honey’ from time to time? You did before, before the NYE, where everything has changed all of a sudden. 

The more I write, the more I understand how miserable I must sound, but this is not the case. Even if I did not get flowers, he was very attentive, giving me love touches, cuddles. Which made me happy. Getting us chocolates and strawberries. The Russell cuddly toy. Prosecco was at the ready too. He thought I did not want flowers, the thing is, I always do. Please don’t use ‘we do not have a vase’ as an excuse, it simply does not work. 

In the end, we bough McDonald’s... you got really full. And all of the affection and attention ended. No intimacy on a love day. I got frustrated. We were doing some painting at that time, well, I was, whilst you were watching TV and playing on your phone without even looking at me. You said you were following me to be with me in the same room, but what is the point of being in the same room if you still feel lonely?

Perhaps, it is just lockdown and it will all get better next year or is it that I had higher expectations and should have communicated them..?

[sirmateox]

untitled

I guess I’m the toxic one. I preach words of sadness and pity. I act like things are out of my control. And maybe they are. Maybe this toxicity has finally caught up to me and now I’m the shitbag. I’m the tumor. I didn’t mean to be this way, if anything I’ve ever said can live up to its truthfulness.

Maybe I’m just a failure of a human being over all. I can’t be successful. I can’t chase my dreams. I can’t love anyone properly. I can’t talk to girls. I can’t make new friends. I can’t even take care of myself. What is a cry for help when no one is listening. I’m not even that good at writing.

That may have been my one redeeming quality nowadays and even then I fucking suck at it. I’ve yet to meet a person who can change my toxic mind. I’ve been this way since I started dating and I’ve gotten worse after every sour break up. After any woman who I wanted to love went on a left me alone. Nothing hurts more to me then being abandoned by someone you admire and look forward to seeing. Now that I’ve played both sides of the coin, I can’t truly say what’s worse. For years, I was the victim. I was the one who got hurt and abandoned when I did the minimal to deserve it. Or maybe that’s just my one track mind. Nowadays I find that I have malicious thoughts and act in a way that a cheater and a liar would. I’m so good at faking emotions. I don’t want to be this way, but I feel like whenever I try to love someone now I get these bad feelings and I assume the worst and act on that alone. I can’t help it. I probably can but it’s so much easier just to do whatever I want in the moment. I didn’t know that id have to count these mistakes and question my worth in front of anyone id hurt moving forward. Maybe karma plays a part in it. Maybe I deserve this for sins unaccounted for in the past. I’d ask for forgiveness but I don’t know who to speak to. I have so many words I wish I could say to so many people. Just so that they’d know their true impact. Not because I’d want them involved again. I think people deserve to know the truth. But many people just channel it out and avoid things they don’t want to hear anymore. Maybe that’s the sane way to do it. My time will come some way or another.

[rens-little-rants]

Trans

How damn hard is it to get the the right pronouns and the right name? It should be pretty damn easy. I’m a boy and I’ll always be a boy. Start treating me as such... I may be trans but that doesn’t make me any less of a man. I also wear dresses and skirts, that doesn’t change my gender identity any that just means I’m merely a feminine trans boy and not any less of a man. It’s just been irking me lately and messing with my dysphoria which puts me in such a bitter and low mood which isn’t good. I am Ren and I’ll always be Ren, Nothing is ever going to change that. I’ve came a long way in a year and I’m not going back. I’ve started accepting myself and I don’t plan on ever stopping. I’m me and I’ll always be me, no matter what

[dreaminginhuttese]

Its me again or maybe just my shadow maybe a broken memorie of something so old i cant set myself free anymore im too afraid now... not even to myself i let myself scream out loud  not even in my own room in my own private secure place do i let my freedom be

what happened? what is going on? is this really me here? is this really my body? am i too lost? am in my prison cell and threw away a key? 

I make no sense because inside i feel that i feel no sense i dont feel it and what is worse im so afraid to share it with anyone i know any friend any family member or even my ex.

Help me i want to scream.

[natalifreg]

Things Will Never be the Same Without You.

Why did god have to take you away from us? November 10,2013, its been almost 3 years but it feels like just yesterday. Since you left us that night nothing has been the same for me. I still can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that your gone. I don't want to accept it. It kills me to know that your life was taken away from us a little too early, our family is still hurting. A piece of each and every one of us died when we lost you that night. We grieve but it doesn't really get any better or easier. People always tell us you're never really gone cause you are living through us, in our hearts. You're looking down of us, and watching over us and guiding us through all our struggles and pain.

It's just so much harder when you lose someone sooner than we probably should've.  The pain of losing someone doubles when it's somebody so young and had so much to live for. I will never forget being woken at midnight and hearing the news that you were gone, and how I just couldn't believe it until I saw your body 3 days later laying in the casket at memorial and just breaking down in tears because you were there in front of my eyes and I just couldn't accept the fact that you were gone. It's just really hard for me to tell you 'I love you' when I'm standing over your grave, and knowing I'll never hear your voice again. Our world feels like its nothing without you. It hurts to see all the pictures of you, knowing you were just here not that long ago.. Until now there is not a day that goes by where you aren't on my mind. And I just really miss you. I would give anything to see your smile one more time, to be able to hug you one last time. Nothings been the same since you've been gone, and I don't think it ever will be the same you took a piece of all us when you left us that night.

[amazinglykathy-blog]

The most prominent lesson in 2015 for me is it’s okay to no longer want the same energy around you. Meaning separating yourself from people who aren’t on the same page as you. I have learned that friends will always come and go but I should never allow someone to come into my space and disrespect my beliefs. Loving from afar. 

[chelseacollins19]

Babes got my heart.

I am just feeling so overwhelmed by the way babe loves me. He has dealt with me coming to terms with things in my past. He deals with me being emotional and crazy and flipping out and just holds my hands or holds me or rubs my back and tells me he loves me. And I have just... done a 180 from my past. I am forever thankful that I have him, and I hope things work out the way we talk about. Hes so amazing. Neither of us is near perfect, but he forgives me each time I mess up, without a second thought.

I just cannot believe how much love I can have for him, and that I can feel how much he loves me too. I've never had that before. He has my whole heart, forever.