For those tending towards feminism and equality in gender and sex-based rights, be made aware that “traditional” femininity and masculinity, submissiveness and dominance, asymmetrical power, and the visibility and sexualisation thereof, were never the problems in and of themselves.
Recently, we have observed the surge of tradwife content, child-centric and family-centric aesthetics and glorified narratives, from art to social media to the news. This accompanies the promotion of and enactment of violence and suppression to LGBTQ rights and voices, sex & gender-based rights, reproductive rights, and—the removal of safe reporting, services and aid for domestic abuse and sexual abuse survivors.
The defunding of education and health sectors, the safety nets and aid for the disadvantaged (incl. unhoused, lower income and resource insecure), places vulnerable demographics in even greater danger by increasing competitiveness for security, inaccessibility to basic rights, overworked and overloaded health sectors, rehabilitation facilities and housing aid—all of which increases neglect, malpractice and abusive risks. In “moving along homeless people” campaigns, and defunding education, this removes community and isolates people, taking away tools and strategies of survival, empowerment & class mobility, and incapacitates the already-vulnerable from being able to fight against future government control.
Yes, this has unnerved many, and the reaction is to try to pinpoint the perpetrators, and tar & feather those who we see as betraying or upholding these structures… often, with misattributed blame, fearmongering, moral policing, collateral and neglect of vulnerable persons.
Largely, there has been pushback by some left-leaning parties against being sexual, cute, “girly feminine”, “baby” infantilisation, ageplay, petplay, asymmetrical power in sexual or romantic relationships, Total Power Exchange relationships, D/S dynamics, “traditional” domestic house-partners, and hetero-gender relationships (incl. heterosexual and fem/masc pairings).
Much of this pushback however, recycles the dangers of the 2nd wave feminist movement. For example, separatism, SWERF & TERFism, suppressing voices on intersectionality, victim blaming, demonising marginalised persons and promoted harm while stripping support from them. A lot of this pushback is indivisible from being White, Eurocentric, Anglocenteic (US, UK, Canada, Australia) which denies the multicultural and international differences in what is progressive, safe, or resistance for other communities.
Not to mention a lot of this also provides strawman ammunition for the counterreactions from conservative and patriarchal parties, who believe the left see domestic hobbies, cute pink things and choice-based bliss as harmful.
People have come under attack for engaging in kink, or “traditional/conservative-style” relationships between a fem-aligned participant and a masc-aligned participant. Some have faced separatists who criticise those having any “proximity to dick” such as bisexuals, intersex and trans persons—while denying that biphobia, exorsexism, and transphobia (transmisogyny and transandrophobia) is rampant even in the LGBTQ community. Amatonormativity has even shamed AroAcespec persons for not partaking in sex or romance, with being seen as advocates for purity culture or in some way broken.
All of these people are seen as “harmful” to the “sex-positive but vanilla, fem4fem or radfem way only!” culture that is being promoted as “The Solution™️” to the world’s issues.
But why, when the dynamic and aesthetics were shared across relationships between people of different sexualities and genders (such as fem4fem), doing so was instead seen as radical, subversive and empowering?
Some would answer that it’s because it didn’t involve masculinity, men or symbols of masculinity at all. Many participants embodied femininity and masculinity; the difference is that they constructed their gender. However, missing from this conversation is the crux of how this can be radical if it still possessed some form of interdependency or asymmetrical power?
We must identify that the solution was rooted in upholding autonomy, bodily integrity, and choice. Even in their least radical form, these were focused on free & informed consent, risk-aware pleasure, as well as enjoyment, while being aware of the risk of systemic exploitation.
The participants are not doing anything condemnable, unlike how the typical commentary skewers people for such. This derails from the issue and dilutes it, obscuring when something is truly harmful, versus when its other enacted forms are not.
The fact that for some people, they are forced or pressured to participate in these dynamics and practices, which voids consent. From sexual slavery to abuse, to even systemic and environmental factors that pushes someone to participate reluctantly. For those we frequently observe posting content about these, they usually entered these dynamics by choice. Whether they did or did not have the privilege to choose it before, they now are, and are exercising it in ways that benefit them.
Despite the disparity between their privileged lives compared to those without the same privileges, the two are conflated and indistinguishable when observed from afar. This conflation does often contribute to the silencing and erasure of activism and visibility of those who are forced into these.
The misinformation on these dynamics from all sides. This can come from those who glorify the aesthetics of it without talking about the hardships and risks of these relationships (which ALL relationships have), as well as those who demonise it often from a moral policing and kink-ignorant standpoint.
Unsafe practices surrounding kink, non-risk-awareness, isolation from kink communities which often educates its members and provides a safety net of witnesses and help in the event of abusive dynamics.
The exploitation and decontextualisation of kink when the lines are blurred between the underground kink and vanilla society.
The consumerism of content around these, often to the benefit of capitalism. This opens up conversations around how capitalism and capitalists have continuously benefitted from commodifying bodies and sex, upholding and normalising systems of oppression. Some of these include violence against marginalised groups, the patriarchy, cisheteronormativity, and also the exploitation of children and child-like symbols.
Distinguish relationships NOT from their outwardly appearances, but on the signs that it is devolving into something that violates consent, dilutes risk-awareness, bodily integrity & autonomy.
Instead of demonising those within these relationships or subcultures, figure out how to identify those who seek to exploit it.
Don’t kink shame. Promote safe practices. Teach safe kink (SSC vs. RACK), NUANCED consent. Encourage joining kink communities for communal support, education and protection. Remember, the more we reduce risk and create safer dynamics, the less risk and unsafe exploitations can occur.
Those who build platforms and publicity off specific content, to speak up for those who aren’t benefitting from these. Whether you have a whole cult, a moderate following base, or you’re just someone openly declaring your love for this content and receiving visibility for it. Raise awareness and build community especially with demographics at risk/greater risk of falling prey to the way these could be abused.
Provide material support, communal solidarity and protection for those who engage in these but experienced abusive forms of it. Refrain from victim blaming, shaming, or deflecting the blame onto those who practice this safely. Always make sure your impact does not get twisted or confused into supporting perpetrators of abuse.
Prevent the capitalisation and commercialisation that often decontextualises lived experiences and turns it into misinformation and superficial aesthetics—which increases risk.
We should be normalising understanding that the relationships we enter into with safety and security, and benefit from, is not the universal experience for all. Acknowledge the risks of all relationship dynamics and understand how quickly things can change for anyone—this could not only help others in raising awareness, but it also could one day help you.
