Since these videos are showing transmasculine bodies and Iâm not sure to what degree it would be appropriate to secondary post elsewhereâall my E/SEAsian transmasculine folks interested in top surgery and medical transition content, I think the following videos are inspiring:
this video from @ang_nef which raises awareness on how some Sinocultural bodies may react towards testosterone, and the propensity (or lack thereof) for facial hair. The existing stigma that equates masculinity = facial hair, marginalises EA MoCs amongst other POCs and non-MoC peoples who do have facial hair. Unfortunately many internalise this lookism to measure their worth, while feeling poorly about their gender performance when measured against it.
this video from @viiixiucos which raises awareness on keloid scarring and procedures that some people require that might lead to a single scar across the chest rather than two scars on either sides. I also think it is especially insensitive for people to react to the creator in this way. Keloid scarring is common amongst African, Chinese, Latine and Irish peoples. And even where it is uncommon for some people to see this, to react in this manner is not only offensive but potentially harmful given how it isnât just scarring that can often be a personal insecurity, but othersâ reactions to it is one of the risks leading to hesitancy to have top surgery.
Love and courage to my Asian tmasc and men brothers, masculinity is yours. Anti-Asian-masculinity and Sinosexism will never take that from you!
Transmasculinity is not uniform, the expression and experiences of transmasculinity is unique to every individual. Our awareness on transmasculine physicality should center BIPOC bodies especially đ
Yes it is fucking weird that whatever you call a soft masc, feminine, dainty/delicate, androgynous, performative man and someone who âis not butch enoughââare just people who are emulating East Asian culture, trends and aesthetics. Or theyâre East Asian people themselves.
It is fucking weird that you insult people who have yellow fever, not by calling out yellow fever but by further denigrating and infantilising Asian people and talking about their genitals. Or when you respond to an Asian person discussing a new love interest by saying âthey probably have Yellow feverâ.
It is fucking weird that youâre discussing how âAsian people are everyoneâs preferencesâ without addressing Asian fetishism and Orientalism and how it has contributed to sexual violence, sexual slavery, shootings, the internalised stigmas contributing to underreporting and the belief that Asian people ask for it and are receptive to sexual attention.
It is fucking weird that you look at an Asian personâs body and names and start picking out which traits you want. And arguing it canât be harmful or dehumanising because either it is just the beauty industry or it is gender affirming care [cis and trans people do engage in gender affirming care]. When these traits have been the same ones picked out by attackers as sexy to them and deserving for their taking, that they make an Asian person âgood enough to be rapedâ.
It is fucking weird to be telling me that your whiteness is scary and ugly and masculine, and thatâs why you want to adopt Asian features incl. posting clearly sexualised Asian fems in modified traditional attire as your âideal typeâ.
Yes itâs weird when you see an Asian fem with curves and say that itâs probably fake, while at the same time idealising her body. When you tell an Asian femme, âwhite mascs / men will like youâ because she is small, hairless, or flat-chested.
And no it is not progressive to go âyouâre not my typeâ when you meet an Asian femme. No it is not fucking progressive to tell me youâd be willing to watch porn to re-assess your sexual attraction to an Asian person. Or that you have a preference for Asian people, or that you havenât âtried Asianâ before.
Yeah it is absolutely disgusting when you pinpoint the way an Asian person incorporates their Asian heritage and reclamations into their style, and you say âI want thatâ, as if it is a costume and accessory to take and discard whenever you want.
Yes it is completely out of line to say that an Asian person has denounced their culture when they reject your help and/or your advances, when theyâre being assertive, argumentative, passionate, emotional or even, emotionally distant. When youâre extra punishing towards an Asian person for displaying these but give every other race a pass.
Yes it is weird when you say âyouâre so attractive, you must be Japanese or Koreanâ to any Asian person, and when they tell you theyâre SEAsian or Chinese, you look fucking shocked.
Some of you are fucking disgusting towards Asian people. You take and take and take from our culture and features, you hyperfeminise and sexualise us. As if Asian culture hasnât been sufficiently exploited and when itâs brought up, you dismiss it as your right as a queer, feminist and progressive person.
And no IDGAF that youâre a leftist, why do yall keep talking about communism, kpop, nail salons and immigrant rights whenever you see me? đ¤¨
     đđŚđąđ đĽ đ¤đŹđĄđĄđ˘đ°đ°           đŽ           đđđ°đąđđŻđĄ đđŻđŚđŤđ đ˘
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Fair Warning : Get your rabies shot before you contact me. Do not republish or share my personal media. Blog contains mild NSFW, sex & kink positivity & uncensored heavy political rants INCL. media criticism, academic racism, race- & gender-based C/SA, massacres & state violence. Centering Asian and Austronesian sapphics. NO FLIRTING.
Always learning. Please DM me if something I share goes against the safe space I wish to curate for marginalised persons. Anons are not preferred for such matters as they do not allow for a neutral and open conversation.
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         đđŚđąđąđ˘đŤ, đŻđŹđąđąđ˘đŤ        đŽ        đŚ đđŞ đđŠđŠ đŞđŹđ˛đąđĽ
â00 SEAsian Diasporic Malacca Straits Chinese-Austronesian 1st-gen immigrant on unceded First Nations Aboriginal lands. s/He. aplatoaroacespec sapphic & achillean. XIĂ äž Knight-Errant. HIGH FEMME. tomboy femme. Masculine-of-Center (MoC) and Feminine-of-Center (FoC). transneutral. gender & sexually fluid. gender anarchist. LesBI. AuDHD. psych major. professional ragebaiter. sweetbitter. mindfucker. demonfucker. knifethrower. intermediate rigger. sadomaschochist. Dom-lean Switch, Bottom-lean Verse. Yang Spirit, Yin Body. Yang Will, Yin Heart. Year of the Metal Dragon ééž. âď¸ Hunter Sun, âď¸ Stubborn Sensualist Moon, âď¸ Riot Rising, Vigilante Mars Chart Ruler ÎŠď¸ â, Dominants ; Jupiter âď¸ + Saturn âď¸. Pragmatic Lover âď¸â, Sexual & Sociopolitical Freakologist âď¸â¸. ENTP VLEF ILE 3w4 371 so/sp. Political theorist. philomath. avid consumer, novella RPer & writer of angst hurt/no comfort, theology, mythology, fantasy, sci-fi, psych, horror & crime thrillers. volatile. vile villainess. scathingly hypo/critical. leather, silk & lace. hellion, horror. cannibalistic symbolism. venomous diatribes. religiously destructive. eternally damned & more âŁ
Anger awakens. Anger is real. Anger is something they made forbidden for all of us to reach in different ways, even the âangryâ ones. Too angry and fearsome to honor your own anger. Too delicate to honor your own anger. Too much of the adult to honor your own anger. Too much like a child to honor your own anger. But Itâs Yours. Itâs yours, itâs yours.
   đ°đ´đ˘đ˘đą đđŹđŚđ°đŹđŤ                đŽ              đąđ˘đŤđĄđ˘đŻ đđŻđŹđ°đ˘
MUSIC. TASTE
( reworking section )
ćľčĄ LiuXing, Ballad-Pop, Mandopop, C-Pop: ĺ¨čĺ˛ Zhou XingZhe/Eric Chou ⢠éĺŁčć¨ Ge Bi Lao Fan ⢠ćčŁćľŠ Li RongHao ⢠ĺ¨ć°ĺŤ Chou JieLun/Jay Chou ⢠JJ Lin ⢠čĄčĄĺ Tasia ⢠éŤć ⢠ç°éŚĽç Tian FuZhen/Hebe Tien ⢠čĄć § yihuik ⢠çééŻ Wang JiWen ⢠čŁĺ§ĺ§ ⢠çĺĺŽ Wang Leehom ⢠éśĺ David Tao ⢠ĺ´ĺ 瞤 Kenji Wu ⢠S.H.E ⢠ççżćŠ âenâ Wang YiEn ⢠Tay Kewei ⢠ć¨čé¨ â˘ Kaho Hung ⢠Evangeline Wong çčˇč ⢠čĄ66 ⢠éç˛ Chen Li ⢠ĺćčą â˘ LBI ĺŠćŻ ⢠DIORĺ¤§çŠ â˘ čäščŹ ⢠洞ĺäż Patrick Brasca ⢠Tr33 ⢠BK/Bill Kang ⢠éŞäş Xue Er ⢠čĺżçž˝ ⢠ä¸ćŻčąçŤĺ ⢠Zkaaai ⢠Joysaaaa ⢠ććŻĺčą â˘ é˘äşşä¸ ⢠ć厣螞 ⢠é潤枤 â˘ ĺź ç´ŤčąŞ Zhang Zihao ⢠ĺ¨ćć ⢠BombćŻçž ⢠ĺłĺćş Julia Wu ⢠ĺĺç ´ ⢠step.jad ⢠aMEI
Sino Hip-Hop & Melodic Rap: PPlin ćčé¸ â˘ é˝çż XIANG ⢠YANGCh!ll ⢠ĺćčž Lexie Liu â˘ éŠŹäš Crabbit ⢠Lil RAD ⢠COY6OI ⢠JaS52 ⢠Ensie ⢠Seluu ⢠ćé澪 Lin DaLang ⢠çĺć Wang Zi Ming ⢠Lizi ć ĺ ⢠ĺŻĺ° Ice ⢠JERRYZ ⢠永彏 Ryan.B ⢠Lambertĺ ⢠Tyson Yoshi ⢠WYAN çćŻĺ ⢠éŤçžĺŽŁOSN ⢠ĺśé çć ⢠XMASwu ĺ´éŞ
Goth, Dark Pop & Darkwave: She Wants Revenge ⢠Lebanon Hanover ⢠Mr. Kitty ⢠Mareaux ⢠Social Order ⢠Nyxjvh ⢠Astrophysics ⢠Jah PHNX ⢠Witchz ⢠Depeche Mode ⢠Twin Tribes ⢠Joy Division ⢠London After Midnight ⢠Johnny Goth ⢠Kwasi Kai ⢠Artemas ⢠Isabel LaRosa ⢠yeule ⢠Korine ⢠She Past Away ⢠Baby Storme ⢠Vestron Vulture ⢠MGMT ⢠REDCHINAWAVE ⢠The Bravery ⢠Interpol ⢠Ashley Sienna ⢠Witchz ⢠Goldfrapp ⢠UNKLE ⢠The Masqs ⢠The Cure ⢠Violent Femmes ⢠MOTHICA ⢠Pale Waves ⢠Sinnerella ⢠The Violent Youth ⢠Asal ⢠Ari Abdul ⢠Dionnysuss ⢠Royal & The Serpent ⢠Elita ⢠Night Club ⢠ULTRA SUNN ⢠Blind Seagull ⢠French Police ⢠cutouts ⢠phyllzx ⢠Cult of Venus ⢠Vlad Holiday
Pop & Rock: Glass Animals ⢠Peach PRC ⢠ADĂLA ⢠FEYI ⢠NIKI ⢠COBRAH ⢠Ashnikko ⢠bludnymph ⢠Doja Cat ⢠PVRIS ⢠DPR IAN ⢠Ayesha Erotica ⢠Kim Petras ⢠Nessa Barrett ⢠Dutch Melrose ⢠Olivia Rodrigo ⢠Dove Cameron ⢠BENEE ⢠XTINA GG ⢠Honey Revenge ⢠CHAII ⢠The 1975 ⢠SNOW WIFE ⢠Cassyette ⢠Chandler Leighton ⢠tiffi ⢠MAY-A ⢠arya x ⢠FINNEAS ⢠Imagine Dragons ⢠Fall Out Boys ⢠Nasty Cherry ⢠MNEK ⢠A.i.Jones (Adrian McKinnon)
Alt Rock, Indie Rock: Sons of Silver ⢠Nine Inch Nails ⢠New Order ⢠U2 ⢠AC/DC ⢠Beth McCarthy ⢠Saint Motel ⢠Woodkid ⢠Crystal Castles ⢠Arctic Monkeys ⢠Gorillaz ⢠Empire of the Sun ⢠Charlotte Sands ⢠emlyn ⢠Lauren Sanderson ⢠The Aces ⢠ZELA ⢠KiNG MALA ⢠NO CIGAR ⢠The Warning ⢠The Wombats ⢠The Cab ⢠The Bleachers ⢠The Killers ⢠RIELL
Baroque Pop: Hozier ⢠Florence + The Machine ⢠The Last Dinner Party ⢠Son Lux ⢠Missio ⢠Woodkid ⢠Cosmo Sheldrake ⢠Erin Lecount
Southern Rock: Alabama Shakes ⢠ZZ Ward ⢠Stela Cole ⢠Fleetwood Mac ⢠Noah Cyrus
Alt-Indie, R&B, Soul: Blackstreet ⢠Leon Bridges ⢠Sade ⢠Gigi Perez ⢠Chance Peùa ⢠Leonard Cohen ⢠sombr ⢠Japanese Breakfast ⢠Ogi ⢠The Cab ⢠RINI ⢠JADE ⢠Millie Turner ⢠Griff ⢠Spacey Jane ⢠Coldplay ⢠thuy ⢠Stan Walker ⢠SZA ⢠H.E.R ⢠Khalid ⢠Daniel Caesar ⢠Frank Ocean ⢠Rachel Chinouriri ⢠Lyn Lapid ⢠The Beaches ⢠The Velvet Underground ⢠Blondshell ⢠King Princess ⢠SEB ⢠RAYE ⢠The Regrettes ⢠Teddy Swims ⢠Ella Mai ⢠Chloe à Halle ⢠Miguel ⢠JYYN ⢠Pink $weats ⢠BaggE
Hip-Hop & Boom Bap Rap: Wutang Clan ⢠Jeru The Damaja ⢠Metro Boomin ⢠Blackway
Afrohouse & Afrobeats: 0.griot ⢠Tems ⢠Dave
Psychedelic, Surf, Hazy, Downtempo, Ethereal: Nusantara Beat ⢠Jungle By Night ⢠Cocteau Twins ⢠Sabrina Claudio ⢠Alina Baraz ⢠Frank Ocean ⢠Esha Tewari ⢠ARK IDENTITY ⢠Alan Chang ⢠Saint Avengeline
I will say that there is something to Sinophobia & Orientalism that mimics how Xenophobes look at immigrants as expendable labour. No better than an infestation of rats, paid inhumane wages, worked like dogs, and bred to be replaceable without any recognisable nor unique personhood.
They view Asian people as similarly lacking in value and uniqueness. Interchangeable bodies and deconstructed parts. And as @femmeautomata has writtenâmachinery to be taken apart and retired as desired.
Iâve faced so much capitalistic labour exploitation by my Aussie bosses both White and non-Asian BIPOC, who have thought that because I am an immigrant and look distinctly Chinese, that I would know nothing about minimum wage and my supposed awards and qualifications. So they cheated me of my pay, and I found out they had done so to other Asian immigrants too.
And they didnât actually think I was deserving of that much pay. And while under capitalism this may seem a regular issue, I feel this is intensified when applied to Asian immigrants, especially given the link between the Forever Foreignor myth and Sinophobia.
Similarly this is applied to how Asian femmes and women are seen as interchangeable, as SW, sexual and intimate slaves, and comfort women. Our humanity and personalities are just supplanted software.
Although it isnât the same as Chattel slavery, the prevalence of dehumanised coolies, their conditions of living and employ, their inaccessibility to basic rights as indentured labourers and the violence enacted against them, and the fact that they had no choice but to enter such work typically due to coercive circumstances and the threat of the law against them if they were to refuse; makes it a form of slavery.
Additionally, the literal Pacific slave trade of Asians including the Chinese and Indians, and the Blackbirding of Indigenous, Pacific Islanders, and Melanesian peoples, as well as imported brides and sexual slavery of Asian women all come together to propagate this notion of BIPOC bodies as expendable machinery.
used to get sufficiently plastered just so i could numb myself to the horror that the person fucking me did so thinking they were having sex with a Chinese cis woman
"Men are never oppressed for being men under the patriarchy so Misandry is not real"; Okay.
Clearly, only I can hear how White and Anglocentric this sounds when you say that, probably because Iâve had a stake in international colonisation on the victimsâ side.
Go and declare this to the dead fathers, brothers and sons who were the immediate targets during colonisations, invasions, pillagings, ICE raids, hateful campaigns, incited violence, stochastic terrorism, or anytime a fascist reign feels threatened by foreigners and ethnic minorities. Or declare this to the survivors of such conflicts, genocides, mass cleansings and wars who have to live with this trauma, and watch their family members be taken. Theyâd maybe get their bodies to bury if theyâre lucky. If not; itâs a ditch for an unmarked grave. Civilians who are typically the first to be rounded up and detained, tortured, brutalised, sexually abused and face violence, enslaved, executed and made âan example ofâ because:
They are men.
They are perceived to have the potential to become men.
They are perceived to have the potential to fulfil the gender roles of men within the victimised society.
No one can tell me this is privilege and fortunate treatment. Sexism occurs in benevolent forms and malevolent forms. Being perceived as a threat is not because âmen are perceived as strong which is positive/goodâ. Itâs because of the context which changes a quality from desired to undesired, useful to useless, security to threat.
Itâs why strength in a local white straight normative-presenting(locality-dependent) able-bodied man Anglosphere citizen is seen as virtuous and desireable, but it is seen as undesireable and unsafe in any other marginalised demographic, during which it morphs into âdangerousâ, âaggressiveâ, âviolentâ, pervertedâ, âuncontrolled/uncontrollableâ, âill/pathologicalâ, âunstable/volatileâ, âbackwards & inferiorâ, âanimalisticâ, âunwarrantedâ.
No one can tell me âbut are most men at war/raidedâ. The answer is an emphatic Yes. Both within and outside of the Anglosphere.
Yes this happens to even White Cisheterosexual Able-bodied Men. No it does not discount what happens to persons left behind or not perceived as any of the above, nor vice versa.
Look at how white cis women especially, weaponise the popular notion that men do not face oppression for being men, by rallying the crowds to target and victimise intersectional masculinity. White womanisms, White Woman Tears and dogwhistles work so effectively for a reason. By encouraging the deportations, systemic disenfranchisement, invasions of other countries; which would typically see severe depletions in especially, the men.
And on the topic of war; look at how BIPOC men are typically at a severe disadvantage [in this post].
The patriarchy holds a view of ALL men which is contextually and conditionally privileged, not absolutely.
The patriarchy is sexist in many forms if we are to recognise there are more genders and sexes than the cisbinary woman. And we should at this point, be able to recognise that the Anglosphereâs cisbinary is inherently raced as white, able-bodied, middle-class and cisheteronormative.
If this were extrapolated to other countries, you may replace white with the relevant ethnic or religious dominant group.
In this whole topic on using the bathroom, I typically see people say that if people should only use the restroom concordant with assigned sex, then trans men would use the womenâs restrooms. As if that is a scary gotcha. Usually upon questioning, this circles back to takes that only those who âpassâ as their gender should be allowed to use the matching gendered restroomsâwithout seeing how âpassingâ is a privilege not everyone has. Racial inequalities means some people are taken more seriously than others and receive more gender affirmation when they identify themselves. Access to means of social and medical transitions is more than what many have. This is a pipeline to transmedicalist -> gender critical -> bigotry/transphobia.
Hence I never see âthey should passâ or âtrans men would use womenâs restroomsâ as allyship. Rather, it is throwing other vulnerable persons under the bus as a red herring.
It ends up demonising trans men bc of bioessentialist takes that generalises masculinity as evil and dangerous, rather than identifying that it is the patriarchy that enables evil and danger in those who intend it, especially if they align themselves with a position of dominance. It forgets that it isnât men who are dangerous, but people who have been enabled and never held accountable by institutions of power, who are.
And this is an extension of âitâs all men until itâs no menâ, which I think needs to change. It was useful when the #metoo movement began to gain traction, but itâs been co-opted by bioessentialists to mean something else now. It throws too many vulnerable groups under the bus as long as they have masc, or men-aligned identities, or are masculinised (typically against their will).
People should be allowed to use the restrooms they feel safest in, even if we eventually and hopefully have gender neutral facilities for every place.
Directed by: Debra A. Wilson
Nine African American butch lesbians talk about various aspects of the butch lifestyle and their own personal lives.
If you support the Butch Mystique, you may contribute to funding the sequel: Beyond the Butch Mystique, currently in production: BEYOND THE BUTCH MYSTIQUE is a feature documentary that revisits the Butch identified black lesbians who appeared in the 2003 award winning short film BUTCH MYSTIQUE. This new film will explore the changes in their lives over the years, with a look back at them from the original film, and how they now move through the world, particularly within the context of the growing gender identity movement.
Transcript:
Introduction
00:00 Chris, entrepreneur. Light blue-grey casual button-up worn as an unbuttoned overshirt, paired with a black undershirt. Ears pierced with silver hoops about 2 cm in diameter. Short black curls, about half-inch long. Thin angled brows and dark brown eyes. Smiling.
"We would play house and I was always daddy, yeah. (grins fondly)"
00:05 Pippa, artist/activist. Light blue-grey casual button-up worn with top buttons undone. Ears pierced with silver hoops about 1.5 cm in diameter. Short buzz (Induction cut). Shining dark brown eyes, gently curved brows and a tooth gap when they smile.
"I was always with the guys. I played sports. I fished every day. I hung with guys and maybe there was one or two other tomboys that ran with us. But it was mostly Pippa and the guys."
00:21 Unnamed butch: in vibrant blue polo, wearing a cream-white fedora with a black hatband. Grey-white hair. Smiling. Gestures with hands.
"Back then in the 40s "butch" was described as boys. Later on it
became "tomboy" for girls. But then "butch" was given to lesbian young girls by heterosexual people who were trying to describe the same thing. Only, these were girls."
00:46 Sable, student. Grey hoodie with a graffiti font across its middle. Wears a black beanie with two white stripes. Stud piercing beneath bottom lip (labret piercing). Softly-arched brows, large brown eyes, wide smile.
"I think a "butch" is like a more like older like OG sort of people (smiles) and "stud" is more like the youth sort of like (looks down and back up) ...like, style."
01:01 Johnnie, performance artist. Camel-brown smooth leather jacket, beneath that is a grey-blue button up shirt with the top button undone. Cream-white cowboy hat, worn slightly off-center with a curled brim and an orange-red hatband. Stud piercing beneath bottom lip (labret piercing), ears pierced with 2cm silver hoops, and a silver watch on left wrist. Bespectacled with thin silver-rimmed glasses. Shining large dark brown eyes, and a tooth gap when they speak.
"I don't really consider myself butch. I mean, I'm (grimaces, frowns)-- I'm really a big nelly (laughs) fag, um, when you think about it (gestures with hands). I think... (nodding slowly) I identified butch for the period of time that it took me to get some type of identification."
01:16 Kymberly, musician. Red button-down shirt, worn unbuttoned. Grey-white undershirt. Right nostril pierced with a small silver hoop. Bespectacled with thin black-rimmed glasses. Fade buzz cut, gently sloping brows. Small dark-brown eyes.
"Butch is a lifestyle. Um...for some its an external thing. I think its more internal for me, even though visually...I dress butch. But um...(rubs jaw)... some people would say that I'm "light butch" or that I'm "soft butch" (smiles)."
01:42 Skyler, actor/field service engineer. Sky blue sweatshirt. Necklace with a silver pendant. Shoulder-length black hair in the style of locs (possibly semi-freeform locs), with the front locs swept back. High arched sparse brows, large dark brown eyes.
"I think that a lot of butch women could identify with me when I say that I feel very uncomfortable wearing dresses and putting on lipstick...because I feel like its attracting a certain kind of group...! That I'm not wanting to attract. I feel like I'm false advertising."
2:09 Elyse, firefighter. Black crew-neck t-shirt. Shaven/bald head. Gently upturned brows, dark brown eyes.
It's hard for me to get rid of me. I've always had it. Even when I was little Kels, a little tomboy. There was always this...I say presence, about me. This kind of like, this strength. This kind of tug-of-war that looked like it was always going on.
02:28 Carol, writer/teacher. Black button-up, buttons done all the way up to the collar. Bespectacled with rimless oval-lensed glasses. Ears gauged/stretched piercings with black plugs. Silver ring on ring finger of the right hand, and another on the middle finger of the left hand. Slightly grown fingernails. Black hair, buzzcut. Slightly arched, thin brows. Tooth gap. Jaw is propped up against right hand, gestures with hands.
When I describe myself as 'butch', I mostly describe myself as 'Butch of center'. That means that I go through my days kind of relying more on my masculine energy than the feminine energy. But I'm not one of those butches that's all the way over on the side where I totally am... you know, I totally disavow my feminine energy. I don't disavow it. I embrace it. But for the most part I still rely mostly on my masculine energy.
Childhood
[Montage of childhood pictures]
(voice 1) Growing up in the 70s and young like that...it was...you had to wear dresses...
(voice 2) I was a daddy's girl and when they were divorced it was very...
(voice 3) Mother probably knew because she did everything in her power to keep me...
(voice 4) My father was a minister, so it was also the preacher's daughter showing up in jeans...
(voice 5, Pippa) The side of me trips my mother out mainly because I look just like my dad. I look just like...
(voice 6, Chris) I drove my mother crazy!
[end montage]
3:38 Chris: She wanted me to be a petite little femme girl running around. And I was running around in sneakers and bomber jackets and you know, doing everything the boys did.
3:50 Pippa: My mother said she'd told my dad when I was 4 that she thought I was a little different (nods slowly). And that's when I started shedding the girly lace stuff because they always try to put you in that stuff. And I started rejecting that stuff at 4, and wanting to wear pants. And anytime she'd take me to the store and say "what do you like" it would always be boys' clothes or men's clothes.
4:13 Johnnie: Up till I was 15, my mother was buying me dresses and praying to God that I would wear them.
4:18 Elyse: I remember one particular Sunday, my sisters lured me into my grandmother's bedroom. One of my sister's slammed the door, two of my sisters threw me down and sat on me. And the other sister got the makeup out. And they held me down and forced makeup on me, which was a tremendous violation. I was very, very upset about it. And they thought it was really funny and they really enjoyed themselves at that. But it really made me feel very small, very weak and powerless, as compared to my sisters.
4:52 Skyler: I remember going to church and having to wear a dress. And just-- I would get physically ill. I would want to vomit because I'd have to put on a dress. And because it made me feel uncomfortable. I just didn't feel...I didn't feel pretty. But it doesn't necessarily mean I didn't think I was beautiful. I just...I just didn't think that I was meant to wear a dress.
Coming Out
5:24 Unnamed butch: There was this one woman. Her name was Carmen. And I remember...I guess my sister was trying to introduce me to--you know--to lesbianism, because she knew I was gay already. So this was her attempt, I guess, at exposing me. So she brings Carmen who was a belly dancer to the house. And she puts on all these red lights (gestures and laughs). Takes out aaallll the lights in the house. And here's these red lights. And Carmen comes out with these veils and she's just dancing and doing all of this stuff (imitates dancing). And I'm just sitting there just grinnin' (beaming, interviewer and interviewee laughs).
5:55 Johnnie: I knew something was different. I was in 8th grade, and this girl and her friend were teasing me. And they called me a 'lesbian'. And I was like "Uh, could you spell that please?"
6:21 Carol: I didn't come out until I was in college and that was because... I mean I remember when I was 14 thinking that I was a lesbian. Not that I didn't have crushes on girls, I didn't really...I didn't really...uhh clue into them as "crushes on girls". I just kinda thought I felt you know "hmm" (head sways) differently towards girls than I did-- But I had also, you know, I had boyfriends and all this stuff. But then when I got to college, I went to a womens' college and it was on! (smiles) After that, man! (laughs) Because, this woman took it in her mind that I was a lesbian and she was gonna have me and finally uhh, I let her. And that was it! Like, you know, the rest is history. After that, uh I converted half the school, and left!
7:08 Kymberly: I really began to identify as butch, verbally, opening my mouth and saying (gesturing to chest/heart) "I am a butch" when I got to Mills. And my first semester there, um, I realized that...I realized that I was living on campus and that I was pretty much free to be whoever I wanted to be.
7:41 Elyse: I can remember hearing the word "lesbian" the first time when I was 8th grade, and remembering how they kicked the girl's ass that day. And I was like "Oh I don't wanna get (shakes head, laughs) [inaudible]-- I was like that's not what I am". So I just you know, kind of suppressed it. And actually you know, having my son was probably what allowed me to let go and say, you know, I need to be who I am for him. I need to do what I need to do for him. I need to be the best me I can be, and that means accepting who I am.
8:17 Skyler: I just wasn't like the rest of my sisters. I was very different, and my mother knew that. And I remember when I came out to her, um, she said to me "I know".
8:31 Sable: Growing up, I felt like one of the boys. Swear to god I used to think I could pee standing up. (laughs) It took me like a while to realise I really can't pee standing up. And I just, I don't know, I just always felt like one of the boys. Like even now, like all the boys like "What's up Say". Like you know, I'm one of the boys.
8:53 Johnnie: I consider myself a masculine female. I mean, for the time that I was, I guess "butch" (shrugs), uh, it was another identification process, in the process of coming to my issues around transgenderism.
9:08 Sable: I wear cologne. I know women who hate cologne though. I don't know, like my room is basically like a boy's room. See all of these like little boys' clothes and all my cologne, my old spice, all my men's stuff. I don't wear nothing that has to do for a woman. (shakes head) Like, can't get me to do it. Like honestly, other than like a sports bra, it's the only thing I have for a girl.
Parents' Perception
9:36 Johnnie: You know, my mother considered me to be one of her sons on a lot of levels. My mother is dead but um, before she died, she spent a lot of time talking to my aunt and my sisters and whatever (rolls eyes, shaking head) about me. Um, and it wasn't until she was dying that we really began to talk about me and (rolls eyes, shaking head) who she had perceived me to be and all of this other stuff. She pretty much said to me you know, "I always knew I would have to worry with you, with girls as well". So (smiles) in her mind, it was very clear you know, that I was same-sex-loving and, you know, that sex being female. And that was going to be just like, she was gonna to have to deal with her sons.
10:26 Chris: I didn't fit the picture that she was looking for I think when she adopted us. So. You know. When she thought she was gonna get a little girl she could put in dresses and shoes and I'd, you know, I'd be happy about it and that was the furthest thing from my mind.
10:43 Skyler: Wow I love my father, a lot. I just always wanted to hang out with him. He just did so many things that I loved. He just loved to fish. He would hunt at times. He would paint. He would work around the house and do like handy things and I just wanted to do that with him. I don't know, I think he was a little...a little sad that he didn't have a boy. You know he had so many girls and then here I come, his last chance, and uh...anyway.
11:16 Elyse: When I would pull up to go to see my mother, I would stop in the car and put lipstick on. And it would just irritate me so much, because I just didn't want to have to hear her mouth talking about my hair, talk about "why don't you wear this?". And you know, one day I just stopped doing it. And she just started you know, kind of harassing me, and saying "when are you gonna grow your hair? (dadadadadada)". And I just kind of went (shaking head), "Like Ma, you just don't see it, do you? You don't see me." (looks down).
[Montage of voices]
Straight Women's Perception
Johnnie: Well you know, there are some people in society who think I'm a freak, and they're probably right.
Chris: I let them deal with it because its their issue. It's not my issue, I'm fine.
Skyler: I can see it in their eyes? That they're scared of me? I certainly don't mean to scare them.
Carol: I think that that largely depends on how people, you know, how they're viewing me.
Elyse: Being perceived as a Black man.
Pippa: Every day of my life if I go into a public restroom, it's over.
Kymberly: I don't think I'm threatening in any way to straight women.
Chris: Talk to them. I have lots of friends who are straight.
Carol: Straight girls you know, for the most part. They're just like any other people.
[End montage]
Society's Perception
12:28 Elyse: I don't think society perceives me as a butch woman, I think society sees what they wanna see and because society doesn't know enough about butch women, that they don't see me as a butch woman. They just see me as a guy (shrugs), you know.
12:40 Johnnie: Society as a whole is not ready. Because its very box identified (gestures with hands), you know. Female. Male. (frowns) Even within my own community, there's a lot of pressure for me to pick a box, you know. (frowns) But to me, it's like, you know, I'm a gender terrorist on a level, you know. (frowns) I'm not trying to pick one box over the other. I'm trying to be true to all that encompasses me (gestures towards self/heart). I think for some people, (nods) I make them have a gender identity crises.
13:11 Pippa: On a daily basis I cannot go into the women's bathroom or at the gym without pauses (shakes head). People have sensibilities about me as if they think I'm a Black male.
13:29 Johnnie: When I'm perceived as "Black male", the intensity not just-- (gestures a blown up effect) go off the scale. You know. People are very afraid of Black men. And...and I've had that (nods). I mean I've had police stop me and pull their guns (frowns, bewildered) because I was perceived as a Black male. And of course, all Black male have guns (sardonically).
13:54 Carol: If I am walking around like in a baseball hat and like a baggy shirt and baggy pants, and I go into a store, then I do get treated like any other Black man that would be in a baseball cap with baggy (pants), you know. There would be people following me around. Unfortunately. (gestures, palm upturn).
14:10 Johnnie: I feel for my brothers, you know. I know they're...and they experience that. Daily. You know, I have my incidence of it happening to me. But you know, life is rough if you're like you know, out there trying to live you life and you're on the up and up. Because you're a suspect no matter what.
14:38 Elyse: Sometimes going to the bathroom can be a little of the issue (sways head). Uh...depending on like I said, how busty I'm looking. If I'm not looking really busty I can walk straight to the men's bathroom and not have 'em say a damn thing to me. (mouth shrug)
14:55 Johnnie: I go to the women's bathroom? You know, there's gonna be some woman in the bathroom who's like "What are you doing in here?! Get out!" I go to men's bathroom? There's gonna be some guy in there who's gonna be clocking me, and who's gonna ID me as...you know... "That's not really one of us."
15:15 Kymberly: I'm a butch woman. But I'm a woman nonetheless. And I have...when I have to use the restroom, there's a little sign. It says "Women". If there was a butch woman's restroom, I'd go there. I guarantee you, I'd never have to wait in line.
Straight Men
15:41 Carol: I get the strangest, strangest reactions from straight men. I've gotten more--especially since I've cut my hair--I've gotten more play from straight men. I mean I've gotten more play from straight men than I've gotten from anybody. You know, just sexual, romantic, just trying to get at me kind of play. I have no idea what's going on.
16:03 Unnamed butch: Men can be kind of violent. I remember one time I was in New York with the woman I was with at the time. And because she was physically very attractive, very beautiful woman, um, they got upset. These two guys got upset because they saw us together. And so they tried to provoke a fight. And um, my girlfriend stepped in and she started talking to them about. "Wait a minute, this is the woman I love. Duh duh duh." And they chilled out some, but they were still mad. They were jealous that they couldn't get that woman that I was with.
16:46 Skyler: I have a lot of respect for men. But you know, I don't want to sleep with you because I'm a woman (exasperatedly). Because I have a vagina, or I have tits. I don't want to sleep with you because of that. And I don't want to be made to feel like I have to. That I was born, so that I could breed. And that's... (shake heads, defeated). You know. And it hurts. It hurts me so much when men look at me...in a way of...of hatred. Because they only hate me because I'm not making myself available to them. They don't know me. It's because I'm carrying myself the way I want to carry myself. And it doesn't mean I'm not capable of love! It doesn't mean I'm not capable of producing a child. It just means I'm not making myself aesthetically pleasing to your eyes. You know. I'm just being who I am and believe me, I am aesthetically pleasing to many eyes. It's just not the typical male, you know. And I think that is butch.
Gay Men & Straight Women
17:58 Kymberly: Gay men love me too, because they think I'm really handsome. They think I'm just as cute. And they just be like "Ooh, if only you was only a real boy!"
18:06 Pippa: When I go to a gay club--when I mean gay, I'm speaking men. Ugh (sighs, shakes head), I get more action than going to a lesbian club. I've been downright felt up. I've been asked to remarry men. I've had men mistake me for other men that they thought that you know, I was. I've had men come on to me. (shakes head) Grabbed at me. Be men with me (grins toothily).
18:36 Elyse: Straight women react to me the same way gay boys react to me, okay? They can't tell the difference.
18:48 Pippa: Straight women like me. It's like you have their perception of masculinity for them. And then you have "Oh, but you're a woman. You bring a depth that...ain't no dude's gonna bring that." (shakes head, smiles and laughs).
Femmes
19:02 Elyse: Rule number one for femmes? They always have matching underwear.
19:10 Skyler: Femmes? Beautiful. (gently)
19:20 Johnnie: (moans, closes eyes) That's the desire of my heart. (gestures towards heart) A femme.
19:23 Kymberly: Femme. For me (wistfully)...Pretty. Witty. Uhh...is gonna be spending several hours getting ready to go out to dinner. To go somewhere. The hair, the makeup (breathlessly), the shoes, the clothes, the (high-pitched gasp), you know. Their little ways that they have. Nails, and you know. Manicures and pedicures. And...uh soft clothing. (sighs) The look. The eyes. Their lips. The way that they move. It's just...um...(smacks lips)...oooh. It's magic. It's just...it's magic.
20:17 Carol: I like high femmes who like to also explore their different kinds of energy. So for instance, you know when I say I'm a sexual switch. (Palms out). That means I'm gonna approach a subject that a lot of butches don't wanna talk about (interlocks fingers). That would be penetration.
Sexual Preferences
20:40 Elyse: When I was younger, in my younger days, I would have to say (rubs chin) that you know to be a strong butch you don't like penetration. You don't do that kind of thing. And then I started thinking about how do you free yourself? How do you free yourself from any type of limitations and the more limitations that you free yourself of, the more stronger you are.
21:06 Skyler: I'm not what you'd call a stone butch, where I can't have any touching, you know. I mean I'm very open to many things, I'm just not open to penetration of any sort.
21:18 Pippa: I am a flexible woman, and I go by my sexual moods.
21:22 Skyler: It is about losing that power that you don't want to give up, and for a butch woman who can do it... (pause, nods slowly) she's giving that woman a lot of trust. You know. And I'm not talking 'bout...there are some butch bottoms, I'm not talking 'bout that kind of butch. I'm talking about The Butch, you know. If she does it, she's giving up a lot of trust.
21:52 Unnamed butch: Some butches, yeah, they don't like penetration. Takes away from the mystique.
22:04 Sable: Sometimes like, in the youth community like, we have to give studs advice on like girls. Like how you approach a lady.
Relationships
22:15 Chris: I have a very harmonious lady with the woman I'm with now. We are partners in a relationship. That's it, I'm gonna do for her and we do for each other. And you know, it's a partnership, definitely.
22:34 Skyler: She's the softness. She gives me that soft quality that I need to have, where I have more of a hard edge. Where sometimes she doesn't. And, you know. And I help her to find that, you know. How to cut to the quick. Where she helps me be more diplomatic and process things more, where I don't want to process things. So yeah she slows me down. She validates me. And the relationship is wonderful, you know. She's...(pauses, sighs, moony-eyed, smiles)...she's wonderful.
23:14 Unnamed person 1: It's a woman's gift to nurture (nods). Doesn't mean you're an ass. Doesn't mean you need to be taking advantage of, or someone needs to take advantage of you. You just gotta learn how to pick your partners a little better, so you're appreciated, you know. Cuz' nurturing is, you know, if not 90 percent of what holds people together. And they don't get it. If you really want to nurture a relationship, you have to learn how to do those things. For one another.
23:46 Elyse: My son. Most of his life, I've been gay. When he was seven, he wrote me this letter, I still have it. It talks about how he didn't want me to be gay. And that's when I think it started becoming an issue, because he started saying that his family was different than other families. But he'll bring friends over now. It's like you know "This is my mom, you know. Ya'll got a problem with it? Whatever, you know. This is my mother, she cares for me, she loves me, she takes care of me and that's what's most important."
Stereotypes
24:27 Elyse: Butches do not have long girly hair. You can have long hair, but you can't give girly hair. Or you don't have no squeaky voice. You try not to have a squeaky voice.
24:43 Unnamed butch: The stereotype is if you're a butch, you just run after women all the time. That's all you do. And you know that's a lie, but that's the stereotype.
24:52 Carol: Well there's lots of--my own personal, I don't have any stereotypes about butches--But what I've heard is that they want to be men, that they don't like being women. That they don't like men. And feel threatened by men. That they are more powerful. That they are stronger. That they are um... you know, more logical. More like men, than fems are. So that means probably, they're not gonna ask for directions when they're lost?
25:30 Kymberly: Butches will never die. We just multiply.
25:33 Sable: When the studs get together, we talk about the girls. We talk about gay prom. We talk about sports. We talk about stuff that the guys would talk about.
25:41 Johnnie: And there's so many stories out there that need to be told about women such as myself.
25:47 Skyler: You know the spectrum of butch women wavers. So greatly.
25:49 Elyse: I don't think being butch, you can just put it to a point, you know. This is what being butch means to me.
25:58 Unnamed butch: Back then, 30s and 40s, women were imitating men more. They were. And there was a reason for that. And the reason was, was that if you were with a woman and you didn't know how to kick ass, you were going to get your ass kicked. And that's one of the reasons why, butches took on this real strong kick-ass attitude because of what was going on back then. They were getting threatened, murdered, jumped on, all of that. And so they disguised themselves to look like men, yes. For that reason. Not because they thought they were men, but because they felt that they had to protect their woman. And so they had to be strong, and so they would kick your ass.
Butchness and Masculinity
26:46 Sable: You're going to look at me like a male, and if you're going to respect me like a male, that's cool. Cuz' I think males get more respect than women do, like all the time. Just like being the male, you get respected.
26:56 Carol: When I walk into a room with butches in there, I know I start to feel like...you know, I know I have to sit up straight (adjusts posture). I try to show my muscles a bit more. You know, I might sit with my legs more open. Try to look more masculine (laughs).
27:11 Elyse: There's no swish in my walk. There's nothing about me that says, oh that's feminine. You look at me from behind, you go "oh that's a guy". You look at me from the front, you say "oh that's a guy". My shoulders are square. Yeah there are women who have bigger hands and who have square shoulders but there's a way that they carry themselves to say, to compensate for that, you know, that "I'm a feminine woman".
27:34 Carol: There are butch people everywhere. (laughs) There are butch people every culture. Like I said, you know, there are some you know, straight woman. Who I mean, I got some people in my family seem a little butch to me!
27:46 Elyse: A butch is you know, slim pickings, as far as you know, how many butches do I know that I would say are butch. I think it's a presence. You know. It's an attitude. I think we got a lot of baby dykes out there, which I consider to be you know, a stud. The young butches trying to grow up into you know, to fill, I guess, you know, my shoes. Skyler shoes.
28:18 Sable: I think, to be OG means to be someone that grew up, and went through everything that the youth are going through now. And to just know that everything's not okay, and just to be that person that all the youth ran to. And just know the game, you know. Like the game, is basically surviving as being a butch woman.
28:41 Elyse: Sometimes I think of myself, I think that I am the product of...Or I've pulled in aspects of men that I've known in my life. Like my father, my uncles...and brought them in to have this kind of a attitude, this kind of feel. This kind of suaveness. And that's kind of how I see butches to be. We have an edge. There's a certain amount of softness to us. A certain amount of sweetness to us.
29:12 Carol: You can connect with different people who have the same kind of energy as you do. And/or who rely on the same amount of you know, masculine energy, as you do. And you can do that in any culture, and I think that's really, really important.
29:29 Skyler: We've been around for a long, long, long time. And it's just now becoming that we're able to find a voice. And um, and I think that people are afraid of that.
29:49 Carol: The politics of butchness, it feels like the politics among men. Where nobody wants to be perceived as weak. Everybody wants to be perceived as strong. Everybody wants to be perceived as an insider in this group.
30:05 Pippa: I think we're the type of women that people like talk about (covers mouth and imitates gossiping in hushed tones). Like this. Um. And we don't get a lot of attention or play. And we're...and we motivate a lot of people I think. To be butch, on that level, you have to be very strong. Even if you're not in touch with all the definitions, and what politics is what, and just to walk the street. And to be a woman who does...go outside of that female box that we're told we have to fit in. And, you have to be stronger.
