#faetality.reads

[knightfaetality]

‘A Femme in Butch Clothing’ in The Femme Mystique

—by Kitty Tsui

Kitty Tsui you are that 90s Chinese immigrant butch who will forever be my idol, thank you for being so visibly you and having an unforgettable presence in the scene. Thank you for showing the world what it means to you to love a Chinese femme, and what it could be like to be loved as a Chinese femme. ❤️

[knightfaetality]

— Nice Chinese Girls Don’t: Kitty Tsui

In Nice Chinese Girls Don’t, Kitty Tsui recounts her emergence as a poet, artist, activist, writer, and bodybuilder in the early days of the Women’s Liberation Movement in San Francisco. She narrates her experience of arriving to the States as an immigrant from Hong Kong by way of her own original poetry and stories.

Tsui wrote the groundbreaking Words of a Woman Who Breathes Fire, the first book written by an Asian American lesbian. She is considered by many to be one of the foremothers of the API, Asian Pacific Islander, lesbian feminist movement.

In 2018, APIQWTC, Asian Pacific Islander Queer Women & Transgender Community honored her with the Phoenix Award for lifetime achievement. In 2019, her alma mater, San Francisco State University inducted Tsui into the Alumni Hall of Fame. Her forthcoming books include Nice Chinese Girls Don’t, Battle Cry: Poems of Love & Resistance, and Fire Power: Poems of Love & Resilience. Tsui currently lives in Oakland, California, and is writing a screenplay, Unmasked.

[knightfaetality]

High Femme ≠ Stone Femme or Pillow Prince/ss

Updated: 20 April 2026

⚠️TW: some of these screenshots contain the t-slur and the f-slur used against gnc fems.

It is widely believed that High Femme = “stone femme or a pillow prince/ss” but this is a misunderstanding of how ‘High Femme’ as an identity came to be. This was unfortunately popularised when people made counter-responses to the equally misinformed “Futch scale” diagram which infamously decontextualised butch and femme into aesthetics.

I went through my trove of butchfem(me) books to pull quotes regarding what a high femme is, and it deviates greatly from the solely sex-position identity or the stone-butch-dependent identity it has become today. I am unclear how this reductiveness came about, but I’ll add a calculated guess at the very end.

BEFORE YOU DISMISS THIS— Read below the cut for a compilation of butch femme quotes, resources and my analysis thereof, that support my claim.

TLDR;

My definition: A High Femme refers to a person of any gender, sex and sexuality, who constructs their feminine-centered (but not exclusive) gender in the glamour of their unique sociocultural experiences. A High Femme emphasises their gender non-conformity and/or sexual signature, in a confrontational transgression to “normative” femininity. High femmeness is a tightrope of invincibility and vulnerability, in holding onto the integrity and significance of one’s own erotic voice, independent of partnership.

🌸 Are you a High Femme, or know any High Femmes? Wanna meet and discuss with Femme friends?✨

📌 Check out The Leather&Gold Bar Discord for more pertinent discussions !

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Firstly, ButchFEM =/= FEM(ME).

Most who study ButchFem(me) culture, have proposed a split between the pre-70s ButchFem versus the post-70s ButchFemme. This has been summarised best by Obviously Queer’s YT video on Femme who states that there was no evidence of 'Femme' within the mainstream usage within the pre-70s context of ButchFemme lesbians.

Beginning timemark 56:15:

From 1930’s to sometime in the 60s, Fem as in F E M was used in the butchfem dynamic. It's sometime between 1960 and 1980 that writers  start to use femme, as in F E M M E, instead. I’m not sure why. Joan Nestle, who is a fem icon, has  continued to use the spelling F E M  because she identifies that femme  (f e m m e) has grown too large and to separate fem as a part of a  butchfem from just, other femme identities, she continues to use its original spelling. “That was how we spelled it F E M. It’s not a French word. It’s a working class descriptive word,” Nestlé says in an interview with JSTOR. Nestlé is not alone in this  choice. Other academics, such as quoted Sally Munt, also uses Fem,  F E M, long after its mainstream shift. The author of “Old-Fashioned, Old-School:  A Beginner’s Guide for Butches & Fems” (2018) a text i’ve seen been thrown around in  well… old school butchfem communities, writes this on her website: From the birth of butchfem to around 1960,  beginning of 1970 this was how it was spelled. F E M. Femme is a complicated term, because it holds so many different meanings, as I hope you’ve learned from this video so far. Policing who can and cannot use Femme is… honestly impossible. But people do try. Many people talk and educate as if this Fem/Femme divide is the truth. It’s not the truth, it's a new concept. This is the truth only in a small, created filter bubble. There is no clear separation in real life and this divide, differently from what is occasionally claimed, has no historical value. The historical value is the opposite. Femme has been a word for ballroom queerness in the black community, longer than it has been a  word for butchfem dynamic, because the butchfem dynamic used F E M. So policing someone that Femme is and always  has been a lesbian exclusive word is incorrect. Many Fem(mes) today obviously need a word that signifies that their identity is a sapphic woman  who is exclusively into butchfem. Well here I give it to you. Femme as short for feminine. Fem(me) for those who study femininity. And Fem for those in dialogue with butches.

This is also corroborated in “Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: A History of the Lesbian Community”, by Elizabeth Kennedy & Madeline Davis (Note that the authors have expressed regrets for excluding bi femmes and butches from their book). P. 685/776, footnote 2:

We have chosen to use the spelling “fem” rather than “femme” on the advice of our narrators. This is the spelling they have always used. They also feel that “fem” is a more American spelling and that “femme” has an academic component that is too high-toned for their liking. For reference to butch-fem roles in pre-1970s communities see, for instance, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, Lesbian/Woman (New York: Bantam, 1972); Audre Lorde, “Tar Beach,” Conditions 5 (1979): 34—47; Joan Nestle, “Butch-Femme Relationships” […]

📘Stone Butch Blues (1993)

The 40s ButchFem culture was a pre-political underground development via cultural exchange amongst the African American and European American working class, SW, drag queens & kings, trans women and transfems, and most importantly, BIPOC communities. Some of the butches AND fems were married to men and had boyfriends, but came to the bars and house parties to form Lesbian community and embraced the erotic dyad. Lesbianism was non-exclusive to monosexuality and its culture involved people of different genders, sexual orientations and backgrounds. [ Scroll down to “📗 Femme : Feminists, Lesbians and Bad Girls” analysis for more.]

SBB was set in the mid-20th century, supposedly in the pre-70s ButchFem culture, during which time many spaces incl. LGBTQ ones, just getting over segregation. Feinberg uses Femme, likely because SBB was written and published in the 90s (and again in the 00s), which means the butchfemme Feinberg knew of, already had influence from the eras before.

‘High Femme’ in SBB was used by trans femmes and femmes, and as Jess says—regardless man or woman. High Femmeness were associated with activities concerning gender affirmation and romance as a femme.

Peaches, a trans femme character, codifies her high femmeness in the moon and in sensual lingerie.

Controversially, Edna’s high femmeness conflicts with the stone of her butch partners, Jan and Jess. She is described by Jan to be able to “seduce any stone butch love”. Her sensuality begins comfortingly and complementary with Jess, yet is indivisible from her desire to melt a butch’s stone. This renders her relationships with her beloved stone butches, fraught. Regardless of Edna’s relationship status, she is still identified as a high femme.

Safe to say in SBB, High Femmeness ≠ Stone Femme or pillow prince/ss reliant on the stone butch identity, but refers to the construction of femininity and a person’s sensuality.

📕Butch Queens Up in Pumps (2013)

The ButchFem(me) community in America and internationally, must recognise how entwined it is with African American and Latine American ballroom culture.

The American Ballroom scene we know of today, arose in the 19th century and has been around for a really long time. It is far older than even the first iteration of the 40s ButchFEM culture. But Ballroom, while popular amongst Black and Latine American membership, was only popularised into mainstream culture in the 90s.

The mainstream has very little access to this history (respect that). This is partially due to academic racism which presides over the presence of POC voices, and priorities on “formal” written literature. We have to acknowledge the limitations in accessible resources on Ballroom culture.

BQUiP has been indispensable for this reason.

While a lot of QTPOC efforts and pioneering roles are often erased, severed and whitewashed from global and American queer consciousness, BQUiP is amongst a corpus of QTPOC resources that challenges this.

It tells of queer history through information and oral history gathered in retrospect, and respects stories passed down through connection between the members and performers of American Ballroom communities and Kiki houses. In doing so, it clarifies its place in the lineage of queer identities and consciousness.

Ballroom was comprised of three dimensions.

1st—Gender System; sex, sexuality & genderdiversity which formed the basis of kinship, as well as competitive elements and categories. These helped to create visible “archetypes” to move towards or away from.

2nd—Houses; kinship structures of social/chosen family, who bonded and cared for each other across locations. These families were formed around mottos, symbols and haute culture references. Its members varied in age, sex & genderdiversity, race & ethnicity (mostly African American & Latine American), and backgrounds.

3rd—Ballroom Events; Ballroom activated families to prepare for competitions, including supporting and training protégés for realness, voguing, body presentation and fashion. It brought together the families to gather community, and accelerated the development of Ballroom across America and even, globally. This provided sanctuary to youths of colour who were marginalised by society for their identities.

The terms Butch and Femme already had identities to them. These identities had purposes tied to American Ballroom culture.

To serve “Femme Queen & Butch Queen Up in Drag realness”, participants had to present boldly and fearlessly as convincing women, with minimal deviation from the gender & sexual norms of cisheteronormative society. To be seen as a real woman is “Realness”. Whether the competitor was for transfems or trans women (Femme Queens) or a gay men performing as a women (Butch Queen Up in Drag). Butches, different from Butch Queens, were recognised as trans men, transmascs, or masculine lesbians or female persons.

Often, the Butch Queen was an exaggerated and flamboyant presentation, and is known as drag, while the Femme Queen is not necessarily drag as their gender identity matched their competitive realness. Both groups of participants, their families and communities shared in the visible performance of gender and the self-fashioning which transformed normative categories of sex, gender and sexual identity.

Fem(me), as an identity, began percolating in ButchFem culture especially catalysed by 2nd wave feminism and LGBTQ rights movements (late-60s—70s) which encouraged sexual autonomy in every queer arena.

It is likely that Fem(me) was inspired by the mid-20th century Ballroom’s spirit of gender reconstruction, gender affirmation, drag, and sexual autonomy, as well as the defiant protective qualities of the pre-70s Fems. It likely also promoted the focus of community-building, irrespective of the dyad.

The current general queer Fem(me) is not the same as the Black & Latine American Ballroom Femme. It has developed its own multiculturalism, communities and experiences beyond Ballroom. Nevertheless, the inspiration/lineage must be recognised for how Black and Latine communities pioneered American queer consciousness.

[ And if I may add from a social studies lens, BIPOC have typically been the reason that community building is a strategy of unity, solidarity and resistance, as well as the catalysis of (sub)culture independent of the wider society.

This is why governments know that if they must strike, it would be to isolate persons from each other and reinforce the nuclear family model (the dyad). It is no surprise that BIPOC influence has shaped the Femme & High Femme identity. ]

Racism within ButchFem communities

Black communities were legally allowed to enter into what were once “white-only” spaces, only following the dismantling of Jim Crow laws in the mid-60s. This did not necessarily translate into immediate acceptance and social allowance. Different regions varied in how safe and receptive they were towards integration regardless (or often because of the complicity) of law enforcement.

Prior to this, the general Black queer and ButchFem(me) communities of NYC Harlem and Buffalo ( hotspots of ButchFem history ) had their own segregated spaces or else favoured underground house parties, where they had built their own subcultures and engaged in the circulation of Ballroom terminology and concepts.

Black communities have always presented themselves in many different ways and understood presentation as a tool for social mobility, and resistance. This includes but is not limited to Black Dandyism since the 20s which involved the classy sartorial formal wear, nouveau riche “new money” aesthetics, and many more postmodern fashion subcultures since.

Embodied by Black Butches and Fem(mes), this contrasted against white pre-70s ButchFem fashion which consisted of predominantly flannels, jeans and attires associated with the blue-collar working class.

As far as racism and cultural ignorance went, Black lesbians’ gender expressions have been derided, mocked and appropriated by white lesbians including but not limited to those of the lesbian separatist crowd and the pre-70s ButchFem crowd.

Make no mistake. This extends all the way to present day racism, mockery and appropriation by white queers against Black queers.

Most BIPOC diasporas in USA necessarily had later, slower, more cautious and fraught transitions in diversifying binary and dyadic gender norms in their unique ways, because of the more severe marginalisations they faced and the ways race and gender intersected living under the Eurocolonial Cisheteropatriarchal hegemony. However, they have been consistently shamed for their traditions and cultures, cast as opponents to white liberal and leftist politics.

The Butch’s hypervisibility and the Fem’s invisibility that white ButchFems prided themselves upon, were not treated the same on Black bodies. Black lesbians including Fem(me)s were harassed, and far more frequently and violently targeted by racists, homophobes and law enforcement.

Simultaneously, QTPOC were moralised against for their greater reliance on dyadic dynamics and gender norms, which were tools of resistance against the state-designed killing machine that is white supremacy and its pervasive multi-level effects. They were often condemned by the ignorant crowd of white lesbians dismantling dyadic and binary norms, which included (but were not solely) radical feminists.

The late-60s was rife with radical feminists. The 2nd wave feminism was overrun with TERFism from predominantly white and cis women incl. lesbians who pushed for lesbian separatism, biphobia, transphobia, androgynous appearances and the exclusion of masculinity including any phallic associations. This often muddied the agendas and motivations for others in finding themselves and their belonging in lesbian spaces.

📗Femme : Feminists, Lesbians and Bad Girls (1997)

The pre-70s lesbian communities were governed by clear rigid norms about stone identities, with the “Butch only topping” and the “Fem only bottoming”, and the strict Butch-Fem pairing which pushed for a “queer-amatonormativity” to be upheld. When they were within the lesbian bar spaces, there were strict masculine and feminine roles to observe, including in appearances and the dyadic pairing. Beyond the bar, the roles in private sex lives may have deviated (ie Butch4butch, fem4fem, aroacespec butches and fems), but many were pressured not to talk about it due to its taboo nature.

While this provided safety and simplicity for a handful of butches and fems who required and/or desired clear outlines of this new gender binary to navigate society then, the Butches and Fems of the later decades had the means to encourage diversification.

Some, special mention to those of colour, were in favour of inclusivity for diversifying the strict binary enforcing of queer-amatonormative and sexual expectations. They challenged how the dyadic priority could be controlling and exclusionary.

While the impositions of OFOS ButchFem still affects butches and fem(mes) to this day, it would be incomplete to look at this without also addressing 2nd wave lesbian separatism and radical feminism, as well as the racism targeting the different progressive routes taken by QTBIPOC communities.

The ButchFem communities have historically already understood how gender style decides existence, and is always a matter of bodies and lives at stake. However, the pre-90s focus of queer validation was typically reserved for those who socially presented differently to their assigned sex, such as trans femmes and butches.

Butches were seen as the signifier of “obvious” lesbianism and the ButchFem dyad. Fems were sidelined as only tending to experience the “rawness” and risk by extension of the ButchFem dyad, and as such were often seen as “straight-er”. Femininity and androgyny were both seen as “not subversive enough”. Thus, Fems were often kept from claiming oppression and gender transgressiveness under the white cisheteronormative patriarchy.

Femme: FL&BG (1997) showcases interviews from Femmes who recognise the stigmatisations from “traditional” ButchFems as well as the radical feminists.

Butch Mystique (2003) interviewing nine African American butches addresses these stigmatisations too, and provide insight into how these interviewees deviate and transgress racialised cisheteropatriarchal norms and queer norms.

Between the 60s to 80s, Black lesbians and trans persons including transmasculine persons, Bulldaggers, B.D women, Bulls, Dykes, Butches, Fem(me)s, Studs, Fish, Drag Queens and transfeminine Femme Queens were the likely influencers for the Fem(me) identity flowing into the mainstream. Especially since Fem(me) was earliest used by the Black Ballroom community.

Stirring up of change and novelty in the traditional ButchFem dyad, the post-70s Fems began to incorporate Fem(me). They challenged the notion of “privileged passing”, addressed invisibility as oppressive, and argued against the invalidation of their struggles. By the 90s, the feminine-constructionist femme came to be someone who embodied their own unique signature, empowering themselves in the power and comfort of their own body.

Some Femmes pushed for the acknowledgement for their inherent gender non-conformity as separable from the erotic relationship with a butch. They were recognisably Fems, even beyond the Butch-Fem dyad. These Femmes coined the identity of the High Femme as a category of a transgendered femme experience which fucked with the ideas of normative Fem-ness and femininity. Many from diverse race and ethnic groups, and other subcultures, reached into their own sociocultural experiences to inform their gender performances. They likened this to a form of drag especially where it became a hyperreal self-emphasis. Like the Femme Queens of the Ballroom, they designed and publicly flaunted their own “girl-ness”.

The High Femme and the Femme were crucial to the creation of an independent Fem(me) entity, as an equal to the butch in all matters of visibility, gender non-conformity and lesbianism.

Fem(mes) emphasised the importance of creating community and solidarity with other fem(mes), which not only improved their partnerships with butches, but also challenged the discourse of a Femme’s independent relevance. They motivated Fems to claim their sexual and erotic autonomy beyond the ButchFem dyad, and voiced new perspectives in the transgender and genderdiverse consciousness of the ButchFem subculture.

It is evident that both Butches and Fem(me)s both white and especially QTBIPOC, have invested efforts through the many decades and revivals of Butch and Fem(me) consciousness, to balance the stigmatisations they face, challenge the social pressures of stone identities, and push for diversification and autonomy in gender reconstruction.

Closing Words

Today’s Fem(me) identity has fluctuated between recognising this legitimate divergence from the traditional ButchFem, versus lumping it together with the dyad’s emphasis.

I suspect that those who spread that High Femme = Pillow Princess or Stone Femme, were likely repeating what they heard from those within the community, who themselves either did not recognise this, or refused to witness this history.

The reductiveness of the High Femme identity as dependent upon the Stone Butch, takes away from this history. Not to mention the limitations on others to define high femmeness for themselves (verbally, physically, lifestyle choices +++) constitutes label-policing.

Decontextualising it from the Black Ballroom influences is whitewashing and ahistorical which contributes to academic racism, especially when QTBIPOC butches and femmes were frequently marginalised by white butches, femmes and lesbians, and have been consistently written out of American history unless as victims, dependents or threats.

It erases the feminist movements within ButchFem subculture that had little to do with the erotic aspect, and minimised the credit of fem(mes) who took the strides for autonomy in their gender and sexuality non-conformity.

Especially with High Femmeness once again being mistaken for Pillow Princess and many seeing it as inextricable from Stone Butches while shaming others for using it in the traditional (or other) ways.

Some attempt to re-assert a “sexual hierarchy” of Femmeness any which way, hindering sex positivity. It erases the work that Femmes throughout time have put into gender and sexual autonomy, to impose onto others pressures and standards to only see Femmeness and High Femmeness in the context of the dyad. This is comparable to how the prejudiced Gold Star Lesbian identity has been weaponised against people within the community.

Personally, I encourage people to defer to adopting the identity of the High Femme, in all of its historical glory, and separate it from the Stone Femme or the Pillow Prince/ss.

Doing so not only empowers Femmes, credits our Femme predecessors and challenges the white-washing of ButchFem history, but it potentially presents a strong counter against the criticisms of many lesbians who are not a part of ButchFem(me).

As many outsiders assume the “cisheteronormative” nature of it, the High Femme and Femme identity provides evidence contrary to the dismissal of Femme’s autonomous constructions of their own femininity and masculinity. Furthermore, it challenges the generalisations of “passing = privilege” for femmes, and diversifies the recognition of transgendered experiences.

[knightfaetality]

        𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔠𝔥 𝔤𝔬𝔡𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔰                🏮                𝔟𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔞𝔯𝔡 𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔠𝔢

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ྐ✚⠀⠀  HIGH FEMME ALTAR ⠀ ⛓️

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Fair Warning : Get your rabies shot before you contact me. Do not republish or share my personal media. Blog contains mild NSFW, sex & kink positivity & uncensored heavy political rants INCL. media criticism, academic racism, race- & gender-based C/SA, massacres & state violence. Centering Asian and Austronesian sapphics. NO FLIRTING.

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             𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔫, 𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔫           🏮           𝔦 𝔞𝔪 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔪𝔬𝔲𝔱𝔥

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Anger awakens. Anger is real. Anger is something they made forbidden for all of us to reach in different ways, even the “angry” ones. Too angry and fearsome to honor your own anger. Too delicate to honor your own anger. Too much of the adult to honor your own anger. Too much like a child to honor your own anger. But It’s Yours. It’s yours, it’s yours.

    𝔰𝔴𝔢𝔢𝔱 𝔭𝔬𝔦𝔰𝔬𝔫                     🏮                    𝔱𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔰𝔢

MUSIC. TASTE

( reworking section )

流行 LiuXing, Ballad-Pop, Mandopop, C-Pop: 周興哲 Zhou XingZhe/Eric Chou • 隔壁老樊 Ge Bi Lao Fan • 李荣浩 Li RongHao • 周杰倫 Chou JieLun/Jay Chou • JJ Lin • 蔡蔡子 Tasia • 高旭 • 田馥甄 Tian FuZhen/Hebe Tien • 苡慧 yihuik • 王靖雯 Wang JiWen • 董唧唧 • 王力宏 Wang Leehom • 陶喆 David Tao • 吴克群 Kenji Wu • S.H.E • 王翊恩 “en” Wang YiEn • Tay Kewei • 杨胖雨 • Kaho Hung • Evangeline Wong 王艷薇 • 胡66 • 陈粒 Chen Li • 卓文萱 • LBI 利比 • DIOR大穎 • 薛之謙 • 派偉俊 Patrick Brasca • Tr33 • BK/Bill Kang • 雪二 Xue Er • 蓝心羽 • 不是花火呀 • Zkaaai • Joysaaaa • 我是土豆 • 颜人中 • 杜宣达 • 鄭潤澤 • 张紫豪 Zhang Zihao • 周星星 • Bomb比爾 • 吳卓源 Julia Wu • 呆呆破 • step.jad • aMEI

Sino Hip-Hop & Melodic Rap: PPlin 林芃逸 • 齊翔 XIANG • YANGCh!ll • 刘柏辛 Lexie Liu • 马也 Crabbit • Lil RAD • COY6OI • JaS52 • Ensie • Seluu • 林達浪 Lin DaLang • 王子明 Wang Zi Ming • Lizi 栗子 • 寒冰 Ice • JERRYZ • 永彬 Ryan.B • Lambert凌 • Tyson Yoshi • WYAN 王毓千 • 高爾宣OSN • 制造热搜 • XMASwu 吴骜

Sino Emo & Pop-Rock: 陳奕迅 Eason Chan • Mayday 五月天 • 庄淇玟 Zhuang QiWen 29 • 八三天 831 • Lil Ghost 小鬼 • Silence Wang 汪苏泷 • Kaizly • Kuo.ZT • 韋德 WADE

Sino R&B: Zou PeiPei 邹沛沛 • 深水29 • Aioz • 果妹 GuoMei • GrayGray灰灰 • JuggShots 袁生钰 • karencici • Gareth.T • 任然-Ren Ran • YangYang • LOFTHESTAR 刘思达 • Yu JiaYun 余佳運 • Khalil Fong • 加木 • 梓渝 Zi Yu • Ice Paper • 蒋小呢 Jia XiaoNe • 梁根荣 Gen Neo

Sino Shanghai Jazz, Retro Pop & City-Pop: 布鲁昔 BlueC • J.Sheon • Shanghai Restoration Project

Chinese Lofi, Ambient & Indie Pop: Haze哈泽 • Cole 先生 • Pank • 小包 Zerinn • bbbluelee • 芊芊龍 QianQianLong • Howard Lee • Jeffrey 董又霖

Chinese 民谣 Minyao: 毛不易 Mao Buyi • 李健 LiJian • 伦桑 • Winky诗 • 宋冬野 Dongye Song • 房東的貓

Chinese 古风 GuFeng / 仙侠 XianXia: 黄诗扶 Huang Shifu • 银临 YinLin • 董真 DongZhen • 音频怪物 YinPinGuaiWu • 司夏 Si Xia • 王敬轩 Wang JingXuan • 张紫宁 Zhang ZiNing • 李鑫一 Lin XinYi/Rex • 鞠婧祎 • 等什么君 • 云の泣 • 清水er • 李袁杰 • 阿 YueYue • 排骨教主 • 叶里 • 小时姑娘 • HITA

Goth, Dark Pop & Darkwave: She Wants Revenge • Lebanon Hanover • Mr. Kitty • Mareaux • Social Order • Nyxjvh • Astrophysics • Jah PHNX • Witchz • Depeche Mode • Twin Tribes • Joy Division • London After Midnight • Johnny Goth • Kwasi Kai • Artemas • Isabel LaRosa • yeule • Korine • She Past Away • Baby Storme • Vestron Vulture • MGMT • REDCHINAWAVE • The Bravery • Interpol • Ashley Sienna • Witchz • Goldfrapp • UNKLE • The Masqs • The Cure • Violent Femmes • MOTHICA • Pale Waves • Sinnerella • The Violent Youth • Asal • Ari Abdul • Dionnysuss • Royal & The Serpent • Elita • Night Club • ULTRA SUNN • Blind Seagull • French Police • cutouts • phyllzx • Cult of Venus • Vlad Holiday

Pop & Rock: Glass Animals • Peach PRC • ADÉLA • FEYI • NIKI • COBRAH • Ashnikko • bludnymph • Doja Cat • PVRIS • DPR IAN • Ayesha Erotica • Kim Petras • Nessa Barrett • Dutch Melrose • Olivia Rodrigo • Dove Cameron • BENEE • XTINA GG • Honey Revenge • CHAII • The 1975 • SNOW WIFE • Cassyette • Chandler Leighton • tiffi • MAY-A • arya x • FINNEAS • Imagine Dragons • Fall Out Boys • Nasty Cherry • MNEK • A.i.Jones (Adrian McKinnon)

Alt Rock, Indie Rock: Sons of Silver • Nine Inch Nails • New Order • U2 • AC/DC • Beth McCarthy • Saint Motel • Woodkid • Crystal Castles • Arctic Monkeys • Gorillaz • Empire of the Sun • Charlotte Sands • emlyn • Lauren Sanderson • The Aces • ZELA • KiNG MALA • NO CIGAR • The Warning • The Wombats • The Cab • The Bleachers • The Killers • RIELL

Baroque Pop: Hozier • Florence + The Machine • The Last Dinner Party • Son Lux • Missio • Woodkid • Cosmo Sheldrake • Erin Lecount

Southern Rock: Alabama Shakes • ZZ Ward • Stela Cole • Fleetwood Mac • Noah Cyrus

Alt-Indie, R&B, Soul: Blackstreet • Leon Bridges • Sade • Gigi Perez • Chance Peña • Leonard Cohen • sombr • Japanese Breakfast • Ogi • The Cab • RINI • JADE • Millie Turner • Griff • Spacey Jane • Coldplay • thuy • Stan Walker • SZA • H.E.R • Khalid • Daniel Caesar • Frank Ocean • Rachel Chinouriri • Lyn Lapid • The Beaches • The Velvet Underground • Blondshell • King Princess • SEB • RAYE • The Regrettes • Teddy Swims • Ella Mai • Chloe × Halle • Miguel • JYYN • Pink $weats • BaggE

Hip-Hop & Boom Bap Rap: Wutang Clan • Jeru The Damaja • Metro Boomin • Blackway

Afrohouse & Afrobeats: 0.griot • Tems • Dave

Psychedelic, Surf, Hazy, Downtempo, Ethereal: Nusantara Beat • Jungle By Night • Cocteau Twins • Sabrina Claudio • Alina Baraz • Frank Ocean • Esha Tewari • ARK IDENTITY • Alan Chang • Saint Avengeline

Electronic: Son Lux • Missio • M83 • COBRAH

[knightfaetality]

OP Note: This is a repost from Sugarbutch Chronicles, this is not my original content. Sugarbutch Chronicles is a blog since the early 00s by Sinclair Sexsmith. Sinclair Sexsmith (they/them) is a queer trans butch writer focusing on sexualities, genders, kink, and relationships. Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for a Lambda Literary Award, and they are the editor of 5 editions of Best Lesbian Erotica. Their latest book is Your Year in Kink: A Workbook to Reflect, Plan, & Create Your Kink Life. They lead the online erotica writing group, Writing Spicy, annually.

To view the 00s-10s catalog of butchfemme blogs, click here.

In Praise of Femmes: The Architecture of Identity

Posted on September 5, 2008 by Sinclair Sexsmith

This is what I learned at the Femme Conference. Oh, the Femme Conference. I have so much to say about what happened there, both personall

Quotes from article:

One of the major themes I’ve come across in running Sugarbutch is femmes who feel invisible – that they are not read as queer because lesbians are not feminine, femininity is a constructed gender role within the heteronormative paradigm, and the perceived notion that a femme is really either bi or straight. This misconception has to do with physical symbols of gender, and required alignment of sexual orientation and gender.

The first keynote speaker at the conference, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, said: femmes are not invisible, you don’t know how to look.

Femmes are not invisible, the lesbian community just doesn’t know how to look.

I know it’s not this simple, really – I know there is much difficulty when someone is not recognized by their own community because they are being true to their own sense of gender. That’s not an easy contrast to reconcile, and I don’t move through the world that way so I can’t really speak to the daily experience of what that’s like.

[TO BE CLEAR: this is NOT be about proving queerness whatsoever. I am working on the details of how to write this up, and will explore this much more in-depth in another post soon.] The point is to use the femme eye candy as a visual lexicon of physical symbols, as an attempt to notice any emerging patterns and begin to record the physical markers of femme identity. DEFINE: Markers: physical details which indicate that the person is using their fashion and style to construct a queer identity. Examples of usage: Femme markers, butch markers, queer markers, hippie markers …

The discussion at the workshop quickly went from “what are some of the femme markers” to “what are ways that femmes construct identity besides through physical markers?”

Five things stand out greatly from the discussions as ways to construct femme:

1. In contrast to butch – the classic in some ways, the stereotype in others. We all talk about how butches lend visibility and how different a femme is perceived and treated alone verses with a butch. The conference brought up the issue of femme history, too, and how hard it is to find femmes, and one of the ways to do so is to find the butches’ visible queerness and search for their partners. I think this is an incomplete, problematic, and outdated construction of femme identity generally, but it is relevant historically and it still applies at moments. Plus, for some of us our own sense of identity is so greatly magnified when in contrast to our particular desire orientation – I am not just a butch, for example, but I am a butch who loves, desires, and partners with femmes, and that is also a key component to my identity. 2. In community – Maggie, the beautiful dancer and wicked smart femme behind the Femme Show (who has a wonderful girlfriend, I was disappointed to hear, as I developed quite the crush on her over the conference) spoke of how when she is in queer spaces, she expects that she should be read as queer. It should just simply be a given. It is not a given that the feminine girl at dyke night is queer, because the lesbian community is still closed off to the ideas that feminine girls are lesbians. I mean, in some ways that is being shattered – maybe that’s one good thing the L-Word has done for the lesbian communities – but in practice, many many queer women still don’t recognize femmes. (I could also speak to how this is probably engrained in butches especially, in butches who are attracted to femininity, from a young age, because we do tend to go for the straight girl or the L.U.G.s and end up getting our hopes up and our hearts broken when she, inevitably, leaves us for a guy, because, well, she’s straight. I still watch butches go through the realization that femmes exist – that femininity exists in a queer context – and wow that sure can be a revolutionary realization. But this is another topic to discuss later, too.) 3. Through language – Someone commented to say she has no particular physically queer markers, and in fact she prides herself on that, and would rather constantly construct her queer identity by constantly coming out verbally. But even if a femme does see herself as using many queer fashion and style markers, there is still always an element of constructing identities verbally and through language. This brings up one other idea, which is that I think all of these ways of constructing femme identity happen for everyone, that it isn’t just one or another, that some are stronger for some femmes than others, that there are many different combinations of them that make up each unique femme expression of each person. 4. Through fashion and style and through markers. There are hundreds – thousands probably – of ways to construct femme through physical feminine presentation. The conference was amazing that way, to see as many different representations of femme as there were femmes in attendance. I loved seeing the similarities, the differences. There was such an amazing array from the fanciest drag-queen femme to the pencil-skirt-and-glasses femme to the pinup girl femme to the punk rock femme to the tomboy femme to the sundress-and-cardigan femme.And the SHOES! Oh good lord, I could write an entire post on the shoes at the femme conference. (Swoon.) Honestly, I never cared for fashion until I began discovering, uncovering, and creating conscious and intentional butch/femme gender understandings. I wish I had a better grasp on fashion and the history of fashion sometimes, some folks were saying very interesting things about the evolution of women’s clothing options during the conference. 5. Through theory – feminist theory, gender theory, power theory, BDSM and kink theory, postmodern theory, historical contextual theory. The intellectualizing of my own gender has been a key component to constructing my own gender identity, and this resonated strongly at the conference.

Two specific questions for you, at the end of this looooong summary of what I learned at the Femme Conference about the architecture of femme:

What are some other tools with which you construct your identity, femme or otherwise?

And what do your markers look like?

[knightfaetality]

Butch/Femme Blogroll from the 00s-10s.

Disclaimer: I have not vetted these blogs' content, please be cautious when browsing/referring to these blogs. This is a living blogroll to be updated regularly. Blogs last active 2020-recent, will be marked green. QTPOC blogs will be marked pink.

A

B

Bi-Furious! (last active: 2011)

Butch Boo (last active: 2011)

C

Cocamia (last active: 2015)

D

"Don’t let’s talk." (last active: 2013)

Don’t You Ever Stop Talking (last active: 2010)

Dorothy Surrenders (last active: 2026)

E

[Em] the Femme (last active: 2011)

F

Feministing (last active: 2020)

Femmemobile (last active: 2014)

Femmetellect (last active: 2010)

Freedomgirl (last active: 2011)

G

Gravity’s Rainbow (last active: 2023)

H

I

J

just like [jesse james] (last active: 2012)

K

Kitchenspeakeasy (last active: 2017)

L

M

[Miss Avarice] speaks her mind Blogspot moved to Wordpress (last active: 2018)

mortar and pestle (last active: 2011) South Asian American !

N

Nouveau Butch (last active: 2013)

O

P

Purveyor of Pleasure by Scarlet Lotus (last active: 2019)

Q

Queer Fat Femme (last active: 2026)

R

S

Sublimefemme Unbound (last active: 2014)

Sugarbutch chronicles (last active: 2026)

T

Threadbared (last active: 2014) ! EAsian American !

U

V

Vulnerable Verbiage (last active: 2022)

W

What Is It With Dykes and Guitars? [Vic] (last active: 2013)

[whatsername] the jaded hippy (last active: 2016)

when or if [frowzyboy] (last active: 2009)

X

Y

Z

#numbers

[knightfaetality]

Butch Mystique (2003)

Directed by: Debra A. Wilson Nine African American butch lesbians talk about various aspects of the butch lifestyle and their own personal lives.

If you support the Butch Mystique, you may contribute to funding the sequel: Beyond the Butch Mystique, currently in production: BEYOND THE BUTCH MYSTIQUE is a feature documentary that revisits the Butch identified black lesbians who appeared in the 2003 award winning short film BUTCH MYSTIQUE. This new film will explore the changes in their lives over the years, with a look back at them from the original film, and how they now move through the world, particularly within the context of the growing gender identity movement.

Transcript:

Introduction

00:00 Chris, entrepreneur. Light blue-grey casual button-up worn as an unbuttoned overshirt, paired with a black undershirt. Ears pierced with silver hoops about 2 cm in diameter. Short black curls, about half-inch long. Thin angled brows and dark brown eyes. Smiling.

"We would play house and I was always daddy, yeah. (grins fondly)"

00:05 Pippa, artist/activist. Light blue-grey casual button-up worn with top buttons undone. Ears pierced with silver hoops about 1.5 cm in diameter. Short buzz (Induction cut). Shining dark brown eyes, gently curved brows and a tooth gap when they smile.

"I was always with the guys. I played sports. I fished every day. I hung with guys and maybe there was one or two other tomboys that ran with us. But it was mostly Pippa and the guys."

00:21 Unnamed butch: in vibrant blue polo, wearing a cream-white fedora with a black hatband. Grey-white hair. Smiling. Gestures with hands.

"Back then in the 40s "butch" was described as boys. Later on it became "tomboy" for girls. But then "butch" was given to lesbian young girls by heterosexual people who were trying to describe the same thing. Only, these were girls."

00:46 Sable, student. Grey hoodie with a graffiti font across its middle. Wears a black beanie with two white stripes. Stud piercing beneath bottom lip (labret piercing). Softly-arched brows, large brown eyes, wide smile.

"I think a "butch" is like a more like older like OG sort of people (smiles) and "stud" is more like the youth sort of like (looks down and back up) ...like, style."

01:01 Johnnie, performance artist. Camel-brown smooth leather jacket, beneath that is a grey-blue button up shirt with the top button undone. Cream-white cowboy hat, worn slightly off-center with a curled brim and an orange-red hatband. Stud piercing beneath bottom lip (labret piercing), ears pierced with 2cm silver hoops, and a silver watch on left wrist. Bespectacled with thin silver-rimmed glasses. Shining large dark brown eyes, and a tooth gap when they speak.

"I don't really consider myself butch. I mean, I'm (grimaces, frowns)-- I'm really a big nelly (laughs) fag, um, when you think about it (gestures with hands). I think... (nodding slowly) I identified butch for the period of time that it took me to get some type of identification."

01:16 Kymberly, musician. Red button-down shirt, worn unbuttoned. Grey-white undershirt. Right nostril pierced with a small silver hoop. Bespectacled with thin black-rimmed glasses. Fade buzz cut, gently sloping brows. Small dark-brown eyes.

"Butch is a lifestyle. Um...for some its an external thing. I think its more internal for me, even though visually...I dress butch. But um...(rubs jaw)... some people would say that I'm "light butch" or that I'm "soft butch" (smiles)."

01:42 Skyler, actor/field service engineer. Sky blue sweatshirt. Necklace with a silver pendant. Shoulder-length black hair in the style of locs (possibly semi-freeform locs), with the front locs swept back. High arched sparse brows, large dark brown eyes.

"I think that a lot of butch women could identify with me when I say that I feel very uncomfortable wearing dresses and putting on lipstick...because I feel like its attracting a certain kind of group...! That I'm not wanting to attract. I feel like I'm false advertising."

2:09 Elyse, firefighter. Black crew-neck t-shirt. Shaven/bald head. Gently upturned brows, dark brown eyes.

It's hard for me to get rid of me. I've always had it. Even when I was little Kels, a little tomboy. There was always this...I say presence, about me. This kind of like, this strength. This kind of tug-of-war that looked like it was always going on.

02:28 Carol, writer/teacher. Black button-up, buttons done all the way up to the collar. Bespectacled with rimless oval-lensed glasses. Ears gauged/stretched piercings with black plugs. Silver ring on ring finger of the right hand, and another on the middle finger of the left hand. Slightly grown fingernails. Black hair, buzzcut. Slightly arched, thin brows. Tooth gap. Jaw is propped up against right hand, gestures with hands.

When I describe myself as 'butch', I mostly describe myself as 'Butch of center'. That means that I go through my days kind of relying more on my masculine energy than the feminine energy. But I'm not one of those butches that's all the way over on the side where I totally am... you know, I totally disavow my feminine energy. I don't disavow it. I embrace it. But for the most part I still rely mostly on my masculine energy.

Childhood

[Montage of childhood pictures]

(voice 1) Growing up in the 70s and young like that...it was...you had to wear dresses...

(voice 2) I was a daddy's girl and when they were divorced it was very...

(voice 3) Mother probably knew because she did everything in her power to keep me...

(voice 4) My father was a minister, so it was also the preacher's daughter showing up in jeans...

(voice 5, Pippa) The side of me trips my mother out mainly because I look just like my dad. I look just like...

(voice 6, Chris) I drove my mother crazy!

[end montage]

3:38 Chris: She wanted me to be a petite little femme girl running around. And I was running around in sneakers and bomber jackets and you know, doing everything the boys did.

3:50 Pippa: My mother said she'd told my dad when I was 4 that she thought I was a little different (nods slowly). And that's when I started shedding the girly lace stuff because they always try to put you in that stuff. And I started rejecting that stuff at 4, and wanting to wear pants. And anytime she'd take me to the store and say "what do you like" it would always be boys' clothes or men's clothes.

4:13 Johnnie: Up till I was 15, my mother was buying me dresses and praying to God that I would wear them.

4:18 Elyse: I remember one particular Sunday, my sisters lured me into my grandmother's bedroom. One of my sister's slammed the door, two of my sisters threw me down and sat on me. And the other sister got the makeup out. And they held me down and forced makeup on me, which was a tremendous violation. I was very, very upset about it. And they thought it was really funny and they really enjoyed themselves at that. But it really made me feel very small, very weak and powerless, as compared to my sisters.

4:52 Skyler: I remember going to church and having to wear a dress. And just-- I would get physically ill. I would want to vomit because I'd have to put on a dress. And because it made me feel uncomfortable. I just didn't feel...I didn't feel pretty. But it doesn't necessarily mean I didn't think I was beautiful. I just...I just didn't think that I was meant to wear a dress.

Coming Out

5:24 Unnamed butch: There was this one woman. Her name was Carmen. And I remember...I guess my sister was trying to introduce me to--you know--to lesbianism, because she knew I was gay already. So this was her attempt, I guess, at exposing me. So she brings Carmen who was a belly dancer to the house. And she puts on all these red lights (gestures and laughs). Takes out aaallll the lights in the house. And here's these red lights. And Carmen comes out with these veils and she's just dancing and doing all of this stuff (imitates dancing). And I'm just sitting there just grinnin' (beaming, interviewer and interviewee laughs).

5:55 Johnnie: I knew something was different. I was in 8th grade, and this girl and her friend were teasing me. And they called me a 'lesbian'. And I was like "Uh, could you spell that please?"

6:21 Carol: I didn't come out until I was in college and that was because... I mean I remember when I was 14 thinking that I was a lesbian. Not that I didn't have crushes on girls, I didn't really...I didn't really...uhh clue into them as "crushes on girls". I just kinda thought I felt you know "hmm" (head sways) differently towards girls than I did-- But I had also, you know, I had boyfriends and all this stuff. But then when I got to college, I went to a womens' college and it was on! (smiles) After that, man! (laughs) Because, this woman took it in her mind that I was a lesbian and she was gonna have me and finally uhh, I let her. And that was it! Like, you know, the rest is history. After that, uh I converted half the school, and left!

7:08 Kymberly: I really began to identify as butch, verbally, opening my mouth and saying (gesturing to chest/heart) "I am a butch" when I got to Mills. And my first semester there, um, I realized that...I realized that I was living on campus and that I was pretty much free to be whoever I wanted to be.

7:41 Elyse: I can remember hearing the word "lesbian" the first time when I was 8th grade, and remembering how they kicked the girl's ass that day. And I was like "Oh I don't wanna get (shakes head, laughs) [inaudible]-- I was like that's not what I am". So I just you know, kind of suppressed it. And actually you know, having my son was probably what allowed me to let go and say, you know, I need to be who I am for him. I need to do what I need to do for him. I need to be the best me I can be, and that means accepting who I am.

8:17 Skyler: I just wasn't like the rest of my sisters. I was very different, and my mother knew that. And I remember when I came out to her, um, she said to me "I know".

8:31 Sable: Growing up, I felt like one of the boys. Swear to god I used to think I could pee standing up. (laughs) It took me like a while to realise I really can't pee standing up. And I just, I don't know, I just always felt like one of the boys. Like even now, like all the boys like "What's up Say". Like you know, I'm one of the boys.

8:53 Johnnie: I consider myself a masculine female. I mean, for the time that I was, I guess "butch" (shrugs), uh, it was another identification process, in the process of coming to my issues around transgenderism.

9:08 Sable: I wear cologne. I know women who hate cologne though. I don't know, like my room is basically like a boy's room. See all of these like little boys' clothes and all my cologne, my old spice, all my men's stuff. I don't wear nothing that has to do for a woman. (shakes head) Like, can't get me to do it. Like honestly, other than like a sports bra, it's the only thing I have for a girl.

Parents' Perception

9:36 Johnnie: You know, my mother considered me to be one of her sons on a lot of levels. My mother is dead but um, before she died, she spent a lot of time talking to my aunt and my sisters and whatever (rolls eyes, shaking head) about me. Um, and it wasn't until she was dying that we really began to talk about me and (rolls eyes, shaking head) who she had perceived me to be and all of this other stuff. She pretty much said to me you know, "I always knew I would have to worry with you, with girls as well". So (smiles) in her mind, it was very clear you know, that I was same-sex-loving and, you know, that sex being female. And that was going to be just like, she was gonna to have to deal with her sons.

10:26 Chris: I didn't fit the picture that she was looking for I think when she adopted us. So. You know. When she thought she was gonna get a little girl she could put in dresses and shoes and I'd, you know, I'd be happy about it and that was the furthest thing from my mind.

10:43 Skyler: Wow I love my father, a lot. I just always wanted to hang out with him. He just did so many things that I loved. He just loved to fish. He would hunt at times. He would paint. He would work around the house and do like handy things and I just wanted to do that with him. I don't know, I think he was a little...a little sad that he didn't have a boy. You know he had so many girls and then here I come, his last chance, and uh...anyway.

11:16 Elyse: When I would pull up to go to see my mother, I would stop in the car and put lipstick on. And it would just irritate me so much, because I just didn't want to have to hear her mouth talking about my hair, talk about "why don't you wear this?". And you know, one day I just stopped doing it. And she just started you know, kind of harassing me, and saying "when are you gonna grow your hair? (dadadadadada)". And I just kind of went (shaking head), "Like Ma, you just don't see it, do you? You don't see me." (looks down).

[Montage of voices]

Straight Women's Perception

Johnnie: Well you know, there are some people in society who think I'm a freak, and they're probably right.

Chris: I let them deal with it because its their issue. It's not my issue, I'm fine.

Skyler: I can see it in their eyes? That they're scared of me? I certainly don't mean to scare them.

Carol: I think that that largely depends on how people, you know, how they're viewing me.

Elyse: Being perceived as a Black man.

Pippa: Every day of my life if I go into a public restroom, it's over.

Kymberly: I don't think I'm threatening in any way to straight women.

Chris: Talk to them. I have lots of friends who are straight.

Carol: Straight girls you know, for the most part. They're just like any other people.

[End montage]

Society's Perception

12:28 Elyse: I don't think society perceives me as a butch woman, I think society sees what they wanna see and because society doesn't know enough about butch women, that they don't see me as a butch woman. They just see me as a guy (shrugs), you know.

12:40 Johnnie: Society as a whole is not ready. Because its very box identified (gestures with hands), you know. Female. Male. (frowns) Even within my own community, there's a lot of pressure for me to pick a box, you know. (frowns) But to me, it's like, you know, I'm a gender terrorist on a level, you know. (frowns) I'm not trying to pick one box over the other. I'm trying to be true to all that encompasses me (gestures towards self/heart). I think for some people, (nods) I make them have a gender identity crises.

13:11 Pippa: On a daily basis I cannot go into the women's bathroom or at the gym without pauses (shakes head). People have sensibilities about me as if they think I'm a Black male.

13:29 Johnnie: When I'm perceived as "Black male", the intensity not just-- (gestures a blown up effect) go off the scale. You know. People are very afraid of Black men. And...and I've had that (nods). I mean I've had police stop me and pull their guns (frowns, bewildered) because I was perceived as a Black male. And of course, all Black male have guns (sardonically).

13:54 Carol: If I am walking around like in a baseball hat and like a baggy shirt and baggy pants, and I go into a store, then I do get treated like any other Black man that would be in a baseball cap with baggy (pants), you know. There would be people following me around. Unfortunately. (gestures, palm upturn).

14:10 Johnnie: I feel for my brothers, you know. I know they're...and they experience that. Daily. You know, I have my incidence of it happening to me. But you know, life is rough if you're like you know, out there trying to live you life and you're on the up and up. Because you're a suspect no matter what.

14:38 Elyse: Sometimes going to the bathroom can be a little of the issue (sways head). Uh...depending on like I said, how busty I'm looking. If I'm not looking really busty I can walk straight to the men's bathroom and not have 'em say a damn thing to me. (mouth shrug)

14:55 Johnnie: I go to the women's bathroom? You know, there's gonna be some woman in the bathroom who's like "What are you doing in here?! Get out!" I go to men's bathroom? There's gonna be some guy in there who's gonna be clocking me, and who's gonna ID me as...you know... "That's not really one of us."

15:15 Kymberly: I'm a butch woman. But I'm a woman nonetheless. And I have...when I have to use the restroom, there's a little sign. It says "Women". If there was a butch woman's restroom, I'd go there. I guarantee you, I'd never have to wait in line.

Straight Men

15:41 Carol: I get the strangest, strangest reactions from straight men. I've gotten more--especially since I've cut my hair--I've gotten more play from straight men. I mean I've gotten more play from straight men than I've gotten from anybody. You know, just sexual, romantic, just trying to get at me kind of play. I have no idea what's going on.

16:03 Unnamed butch: Men can be kind of violent. I remember one time I was in New York with the woman I was with at the time. And because she was physically very attractive, very beautiful woman, um, they got upset. These two guys got upset because they saw us together. And so they tried to provoke a fight. And um, my girlfriend stepped in and she started talking to them about. "Wait a minute, this is the woman I love. Duh duh duh." And they chilled out some, but they were still mad. They were jealous that they couldn't get that woman that I was with.

16:46 Skyler: I have a lot of respect for men. But you know, I don't want to sleep with you because I'm a woman (exasperatedly). Because I have a vagina, or I have tits. I don't want to sleep with you because of that. And I don't want to be made to feel like I have to. That I was born, so that I could breed. And that's... (shake heads, defeated). You know. And it hurts. It hurts me so much when men look at me...in a way of...of hatred. Because they only hate me because I'm not making myself available to them. They don't know me. It's because I'm carrying myself the way I want to carry myself. And it doesn't mean I'm not capable of love! It doesn't mean I'm not capable of producing a child. It just means I'm not making myself aesthetically pleasing to your eyes. You know. I'm just being who I am and believe me, I am aesthetically pleasing to many eyes. It's just not the typical male, you know. And I think that is butch.

Gay Men & Straight Women

17:58 Kymberly: Gay men love me too, because they think I'm really handsome. They think I'm just as cute. And they just be like "Ooh, if only you was only a real boy!"

18:06 Pippa: When I go to a gay club--when I mean gay, I'm speaking men. Ugh (sighs, shakes head), I get more action than going to a lesbian club. I've been downright felt up. I've been asked to remarry men. I've had men mistake me for other men that they thought that you know, I was. I've had men come on to me. (shakes head) Grabbed at me. Be men with me (grins toothily).

18:36 Elyse: Straight women react to me the same way gay boys react to me, okay? They can't tell the difference.

18:48 Pippa: Straight women like me. It's like you have their perception of masculinity for them. And then you have "Oh, but you're a woman. You bring a depth that...ain't no dude's gonna bring that." (shakes head, smiles and laughs).

Femmes

19:02 Elyse: Rule number one for femmes? They always have matching underwear.

19:10 Skyler: Femmes? Beautiful. (gently)

19:20 Johnnie: (moans, closes eyes) That's the desire of my heart. (gestures towards heart) A femme.

19:23 Kymberly: Femme. For me (wistfully)...Pretty. Witty. Uhh...is gonna be spending several hours getting ready to go out to dinner. To go somewhere. The hair, the makeup (breathlessly), the shoes, the clothes, the (high-pitched gasp), you know. Their little ways that they have. Nails, and you know. Manicures and pedicures. And...uh soft clothing. (sighs) The look. The eyes. Their lips. The way that they move. It's just...um...(smacks lips)...oooh. It's magic. It's just...it's magic.

20:17 Carol: I like high femmes who like to also explore their different kinds of energy. So for instance, you know when I say I'm a sexual switch. (Palms out). That means I'm gonna approach a subject that a lot of butches don't wanna talk about (interlocks fingers). That would be penetration.

Sexual Preferences

20:40 Elyse: When I was younger, in my younger days, I would have to say (rubs chin) that you know to be a strong butch you don't like penetration. You don't do that kind of thing. And then I started thinking about how do you free yourself? How do you free yourself from any type of limitations and the more limitations that you free yourself of, the more stronger you are.

21:06 Skyler: I'm not what you'd call a stone butch, where I can't have any touching, you know. I mean I'm very open to many things, I'm just not open to penetration of any sort.

21:18 Pippa: I am a flexible woman, and I go by my sexual moods.

21:22 Skyler: It is about losing that power that you don't want to give up, and for a butch woman who can do it... (pause, nods slowly) she's giving that woman a lot of trust. You know. And I'm not talking 'bout...there are some butch bottoms, I'm not talking 'bout that kind of butch. I'm talking about The Butch, you know. If she does it, she's giving up a lot of trust.

21:52 Unnamed butch: Some butches, yeah, they don't like penetration. Takes away from the mystique.

22:04 Sable: Sometimes like, in the youth community like, we have to give studs advice on like girls. Like how you approach a lady.

Relationships

22:15 Chris: I have a very harmonious lady with the woman I'm with now. We are partners in a relationship. That's it, I'm gonna do for her and we do for each other. And you know, it's a partnership, definitely.

22:34 Skyler: She's the softness. She gives me that soft quality that I need to have, where I have more of a hard edge. Where sometimes she doesn't. And, you know. And I help her to find that, you know. How to cut to the quick. Where she helps me be more diplomatic and process things more, where I don't want to process things. So yeah she slows me down. She validates me. And the relationship is wonderful, you know. She's...(pauses, sighs, moony-eyed, smiles)...she's wonderful.

23:14 Unnamed person 1: It's a woman's gift to nurture (nods). Doesn't mean you're an ass. Doesn't mean you need to be taking advantage of, or someone needs to take advantage of you. You just gotta learn how to pick your partners a little better, so you're appreciated, you know. Cuz' nurturing is, you know, if not 90 percent of what holds people together. And they don't get it. If you really want to nurture a relationship, you have to learn how to do those things. For one another.

23:46 Elyse: My son. Most of his life, I've been gay. When he was seven, he wrote me this letter, I still have it. It talks about how he didn't want me to be gay. And that's when I think it started becoming an issue, because he started saying that his family was different than other families. But he'll bring friends over now. It's like you know "This is my mom, you know. Ya'll got a problem with it? Whatever, you know. This is my mother, she cares for me, she loves me, she takes care of me and that's what's most important."

Stereotypes

24:27 Elyse: Butches do not have long girly hair. You can have long hair, but you can't give girly hair. Or you don't have no squeaky voice. You try not to have a squeaky voice.

24:43 Unnamed butch: The stereotype is if you're a butch, you just run after women all the time. That's all you do. And you know that's a lie, but that's the stereotype.

24:52 Carol: Well there's lots of--my own personal, I don't have any stereotypes about butches--But what I've heard is that they want to be men, that they don't like being women. That they don't like men. And feel threatened by men. That they are more powerful. That they are stronger. That they are um... you know, more logical. More like men, than fems are. So that means probably, they're not gonna ask for directions when they're lost?

25:30 Kymberly: Butches will never die. We just multiply.

25:33 Sable: When the studs get together, we talk about the girls. We talk about gay prom. We talk about sports. We talk about stuff that the guys would talk about.

25:41 Johnnie: And there's so many stories out there that need to be told about women such as myself.

25:47 Skyler: You know the spectrum of butch women wavers. So greatly.

25:49 Elyse: I don't think being butch, you can just put it to a point, you know. This is what being butch means to me.

25:58 Unnamed butch: Back then, 30s and 40s, women were imitating men more. They were. And there was a reason for that. And the reason was, was that if you were with a woman and you didn't know how to kick ass, you were going to get your ass kicked. And that's one of the reasons why, butches took on this real strong kick-ass attitude because of what was going on back then. They were getting threatened, murdered, jumped on, all of that. And so they disguised themselves to look like men, yes. For that reason. Not because they thought they were men, but because they felt that they had to protect their woman. And so they had to be strong, and so they would kick your ass.

Butchness and Masculinity

26:46 Sable: You're going to look at me like a male, and if you're going to respect me like a male, that's cool. Cuz' I think males get more respect than women do, like all the time. Just like being the male, you get respected.

26:56 Carol: When I walk into a room with butches in there, I know I start to feel like...you know, I know I have to sit up straight (adjusts posture). I try to show my muscles a bit more. You know, I might sit with my legs more open. Try to look more masculine (laughs).

27:11 Elyse: There's no swish in my walk. There's nothing about me that says, oh that's feminine. You look at me from behind, you go "oh that's a guy". You look at me from the front, you say "oh that's a guy". My shoulders are square. Yeah there are women who have bigger hands and who have square shoulders but there's a way that they carry themselves to say, to compensate for that, you know, that "I'm a feminine woman".

27:34 Carol: There are butch people everywhere. (laughs) There are butch people every culture. Like I said, you know, there are some you know, straight woman. Who I mean, I got some people in my family seem a little butch to me!

27:46 Elyse: A butch is you know, slim pickings, as far as you know, how many butches do I know that I would say are butch. I think it's a presence. You know. It's an attitude. I think we got a lot of baby dykes out there, which I consider to be you know, a stud. The young butches trying to grow up into you know, to fill, I guess, you know, my shoes. Skyler shoes.

28:18 Sable: I think, to be OG means to be someone that grew up, and went through everything that the youth are going through now. And to just know that everything's not okay, and just to be that person that all the youth ran to. And just know the game, you know. Like the game, is basically surviving as being a butch woman.

28:41 Elyse: Sometimes I think of myself, I think that I am the product of...Or I've pulled in aspects of men that I've known in my life. Like my father, my uncles...and brought them in to have this kind of a attitude, this kind of feel. This kind of suaveness. And that's kind of how I see butches to be. We have an edge. There's a certain amount of softness to us. A certain amount of sweetness to us.

29:12 Carol: You can connect with different people who have the same kind of energy as you do. And/or who rely on the same amount of you know, masculine energy, as you do. And you can do that in any culture, and I think that's really, really important.

29:29 Skyler: We've been around for a long, long, long time. And it's just now becoming that we're able to find a voice. And um, and I think that people are afraid of that.

29:49 Carol: The politics of butchness, it feels like the politics among men. Where nobody wants to be perceived as weak. Everybody wants to be perceived as strong. Everybody wants to be perceived as an insider in this group.

30:05 Pippa: I think we're the type of women that people like talk about (covers mouth and imitates gossiping in hushed tones). Like this. Um. And we don't get a lot of attention or play. And we're...and we motivate a lot of people I think. To be butch, on that level, you have to be very strong. Even if you're not in touch with all the definitions, and what politics is what, and just to walk the street. And to be a woman who does...go outside of that female box that we're told we have to fit in. And, you have to be stronger.

End.

[knightfaetality]

OP note: This is a repost, not my original content. ‘Sublimefemme Unbound’ is a Wordpress blog created in the early 2000s about the femme experience from a high femme queer theorist. It was active from years 17th August 2008—8th October 2014, a total of 6 years. At the time of this blogpost (April 2026), Sublimefemme Unbound is inactive.

To view more reposts of Sublimefemme Unbound, click here.

To view the 00s-10s catalog of butchfemme blogs, click here.

Sublimefemme Unbound: No, I’m not a lipstick lesbian (I just look like one)

Posted on August 23, 2008 by Sublimefemme

Yes, I adore lipstick and never met a MAC lipglass I didn’t like, but please, don’t call me a lipstick lesbian! I’m a femme. What’s the difference, my pretty? Is there one? Clearly, it depends who you ask. Here are my definitions of these terms, which are based on my own experience and how I have observed others using them. Obviously, much more could be (and has been) written about these categories–their subtleties, changes over time, regional differences, etc. What I’ve written is not intended as the last word! Please share your own thoughts on what these terms mean to you and how you use them (or don’t use them). Feel free to add/suggest other words you think should be on this list.

A Very Short Glossary of Queer Femininities

Lipstick lesbian—Media term used to describe feminine lesbians during the heyday of “lesbian chic” in the 90s. Some lesbian/bi/queer women have adopted the term, making it a part of gay/lesbian culture. Usually refers to stylish, feminine lesbians who are attracted to others who look like them. Separate from butch/femme dynamics. Sometimes emphasizes more naturalized notions of gender (e.g. “I like women to be women.”)

*see below for commenter's response to the last statement + bioessentialism, eurocentricity & transphobia.

Femme—Lesbian gender marked by feminine gender expression or identity. Not dependent on dress or other external signifiers (E.g. you can wear a tuxedo and still be a femme.) May or may not be a “bottom” or a “top” in a sexual situation; may or may not partner with butches. For some, a form of queer gender performance. Spans from “high femme” to more androgynous forms of gender expression, such as tomboy/sporty femmes.

High Femme*— Typically, a highly stylized form of femme identification (e.g. ultra femininity) performed in the context of butch/femme cultures and dynamics. May or may or may not wear dresses, heels, and/or makeup. No particular personality traits. May be passive and demure or confident, independent, strong, etc. Not necessarily a “pillow queen,” and not equivalent to lipstick lesbian.

*Note:  For my revision of this definition, see “Rethinking High Femme, Part 1.”  Still dying for more discussion of high femme?  Check out “Rethinking High Femme, Part 2” and “When Femme Fails (and Other Questions).” 

Commenters:

laurynx:

laurynx, on August 29, 2008 at 5:49 am said: Hi, I really felt that you articulated femme vs. lipstick lesbian well. I get that question of “what’s the difference?” all the time. In my “Girly Girl” post I really really contemplating queer femininity done as a personal and social statement. I really like drag queens and see them as sisters in that we both are two groups (lesbians and men) who aren’t thought to exhibit femininity, especially to the point of almost excess (I really like “excess” whatever that really means…) B/c really at the same time in society, there is leeway given to gay men to be “swishy”, and of course women are “supposed” to be “feminine”….but doing it to the extent that high femmes and drag queens do? Brings serious ridicule, accusations of being apolitical, stupid, vain, a stereotype. I want to say SCREW THAT. I want to BREAK that bullshit about “moderation” being the best policy. laurynx, on August 29, 2008 at 5:59 am said:I also liked that someone brought up femmes with afros! Femme with afro right here!! I usually get really lost in discussions about femmes hair being “long” and butch hair being “short”…and I think….these people aren’t Black are they? (Teasing!) It’s much more complicated. The politics of processed hair vs. natural (afro) can go on for days…………… So I’ll just speak my truth. I love my hair, though it can be trying. It’s cottony, soft and isn’t going to hang around my face; it’s more of a halo that frames my makeup, haha. I used to covet long hair, eurocentric beauty standards really cut me. It’s interesting when I see others write about femmes must/should have long hair…it’s not just a “gender” stereotype or what-have-you, but a eurocentric point of view as well. People never really seem to get past the “gender” analysis though…THANK YOU! I really appreciate this point because I’m working on new post about beauty & femininity. Have you been reading Sugarbutch Chronicles on femmes and hair? (It sounds like it.) I think it would be *fantastic* if you made this point about eurocentric beauty standards there, too. And I love your other comment, because I’m really a drag queen trapped in the body of a lesbian. As William Blake put it, “the road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom!” -SF

Victoria (thatfemmegirl), on August 30, 2008 at 2:04 am said:

I really liked (agreed with) your concise glossary…. & I have a few things I’d like to say/add… Lipstick Lesbian: The last line of your definition is what is often what bothers me about the ideology associated with the term, the emphasis on “more naturalized notions of gender (e.g. “I like women to be women.”)” This is very problematically essentialist to me and in my opinion, it stunts the growth and potential of the category of “women” (although “woman” is a socially constructed category/term). But nevertheless, essentialism like this creates and reinforces gender and sexual hierarchies. (Boo!) Moving on to Femme: I love your definition of “femme” and how it is not dependent on dress or other external signifiers. (I totally agree with this, on a personal level!) And I would also add “queer femme” to this glossary as it is how I like to identify. Queer femme (for me) emphasizes that wonderful space of anti-assimilationist sexual and gender expression that is ultimately connected to my femme-ness. And as a final note, it’s interesting that being femme (in any definition) is often an ineffable thing; because its not determined by dress, attitude, sexual partner, etc… it’s a quality (or qualities) inside a person that surfaces… and ironically, much like those problematic and socially-constructed (and reinforced)binary sex categories (woman/man) femme (and other gendered identities) are also open to anyone: if you say you’re femme, you are femme . Similarly, if you identify as a woman, you are a woman. If you identify as man, you are a man. Flipping the script on essentialism is pretty cool, huh?

To laurynx: thank you for speaking on eurocentric beauty standards, femininity (and femmes)…it adds yet another (thought-provoking) layer to the subject at hand. & to sublimefemme (herself): I’m glad you added me as a friend on Ourchart, otherwise I never would have came across your great blog (or the equally fab Sugarbutch Chronicles!) I’ve posted there too about (femmes and hair).