People who like indepdence probably don't fear aging. But I'm not one of those people. I'm fiercely independent in my thoughts and my mind. But in terms of physicality, I do rely on others. I don't have any physical disabilities, so I could probably be doing more stuff. But ever since I was a child, I haven't done anything. I know some people would blame my parents for that, but I don't want to hear anyone blame them for anything ever. True, I grew up with two parents who never worked and who did a lot of stuff for me.
I suppose you could argue I should have done more stuff on my own as a kid. I never learned to pour my own water, to run my own baths and showers, to do anything too physically laborious. But to be fair, I was a kid who would legitimately raise hell over anything. So I think my parents were too stressed with other things to always remember to make me work on things. I didn't learn to fully go bathroom by myself until I was…I want to say 7 or 8? And I didn't start sleeping on my own until I was 10 or 11. It feels like I didn't start until just five years ago, but that's definitely not true. It just feels true, because time is crazy and meaningless and yet too meaningful.
Anyways, I never learned indepdence because I refused to learn and my parents never pushed it very often. But I refuse to judge them for that. I still feel like my childhood was probably better than some people's. True, I didn't really have any friends besides my parents. But I did have my parents, both of whom I loved a lot. And who I still love. And yet I'm still very dependent now. I'm gonna be 21 next month, and I still don't even get my own water. I don't cook or clean. I don't even run my own baths or showers. I just rely on my dad and try to focus on keeping myself stable. It's hard enough to keep myself calm some days, I'm still glad I don't actually have to do much more.
But I also feel acutely aware that I'm lagging in independence. I can see that everywhere, in fiction and in real life and everywhere in between. As I've aged, it's stayed something I remain insecure about sharing with other people. Because who isn't going to judge someone who still doesn't clean and cook and make their bed and make their own baths? Who isn't just going to consider that person lazy? I feel like it's an accusation I would have no rebuttal for, because it absolutely is true. I could have been doing more years ago, but I've been content with my lot in life. I didn't want to change things and mess up my routine. But now I'm turning 21, and I'm still stuck in these patterns. And so I just feel like every year, the excuses grow worse and worse and I just end up looking worse for it.
I don't really want to change my life routine. Getting more independent is likely only going to give me more stress in the long term, and I wish I could just stop thinking about it. But that's not easy, considering how much I pass self judgement on myself over everything. It's hard not to, because I know how the world probably expects me to be. I know that I can't compare myself to others, but that's hard when you never see representation of someone with my issues unless it's usually to mock them and portray them as immature or childishly. But I'm not. I have plenty of intelligent thoughts. Just because I'm not as independent as some other people doesn't mean I'm not worthy of kindness! It's not nice to judge, although I am aware it's easy to judge people. I do it myself all the time. I'm a hypocrite, I guess.
Anyways, I think trying to deal with this stigma is part of my problem when it comes to aging. This isn't all of it, of course. I have more problems, too. Aging is not liberating for me. It is fearful for me, a reminder that I'm behind other people in some ways and that I'm getting older and older and my future prospects don't feel very safe and comforting. That's the next point I want to discuss in this note. That is if my stomach pains don't break me down first, that is. Because they're really beginning to aggravate me right now. But let's see if I can't stay on focus.
Aging reminds me that all this is coming up, because it's been built up in my head. Each year in not more independent is actually kind of nice, but I can't enjoy my ability to rely on others because I'm too busy feeling useless for it. And then I'm worked about that happens if my dad dies and I'm still dependent on him. Since my dad is the closest person I have after my mom's death, that one thought is horrifying to remember. It's awful. I don't think about it often, because I try to actively suppress this fear. But it's definitely there, and it does creep in often enough to be bothersome. I could avoid feeling the weight of my age as long as I was in High School.
High School legitimately has been like a safety net for me, because the idea of leaving it behind makes me feel like that's the end of my stable period of life when it's acceptable to be dependent on others and thoughtless towards money and aging and work and all of that. High School ending meant I had to think to think about this stuff, and thinking about this stuff is something that kills me. Well, it isn't really killing me. But it sure does feel that way mentally. And that's probably a big part of what's stressing me out. Leaving High School released this massive flood tide of stress, and it's nearly impossible to counter all of it. Because it's powerful as an emotional thing, and it's a very big fear.
I've kind of forgotten to tackle all my fears here. I never got around to discussing how money and the idea of needing to manage finances independently also gives me stress when I think about it, but I think I've done enough work for now. I already have close to 400 notes, and this note is already 1,000+ words. So I think it's fine if I got myself off here and just choose to take a break. I feel like I probably deserve one after trying to write about something so intense and taxing here. I still don't know if this is the cause of all my stomach pains, but it's gotta contribute to at least some percentage of it all.
The only bigger problem I suppose I have: With how stressed I've been over the past nine months, I feel like it's gonna be really hard to fix my stomach problems. I have to try and fix them, because I can't live with this pain forever. It's legitimately awful to deal with. But to fix something that's been here for nine months sounds like something that's legitimately going to be very arduous to deal with. I already struggle with maintaining calm, and I'm pretty sure maintaining calm is what I have to do to deal with this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out. I have to.
