“I didn’t think you’d call.” I say over the telephone.
“You never do.” He says, half-smiling and half-not knowing what to say, so there is nothing but silence.
“You left.” I say, heart beating theough my chest, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.
“I never left.”
“You left.” I said again, this time more determinetly. “You said you wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye and you did just that.”
“You stopped reaching out.”
“Because you wanted me to.”
“Yeah… well… well…” I hear a frustrated sigh. “I got messed up.”
“You always do and that’s when you call.” I say angry but afraid. Why am I always afraid? “You call when you need me… and only then am I good enough…”
“I…” he choked on his words. “I know…”
“Why do you need me now?” I ask, taking a deep breath in and closing my eyes to find the invisible strength inside of me.
“I just… I need you…” he says, pleading almost. “I need to talk to you…” there was another long pause, a deep breath in and out. “I need to see you- you get me.”
My heart squeezed in pain- in all too familiar pain. Never good enough… only when he needs something. I always feel so used and weak. “There’s a reason why I get you.” I say, not knowing what to say. I could almost feel him holding his breath… or was that myself? “I love you- or I used to…” I close my eyes, frustrated.
“I’m here.”
“You’re not listening.”
“I am listening. I am saying I am here, in front of your block of flats and I need to see you- please.” His voice cracked in the end.
I sigh. God, this man- this BOY!
“Please love me today too.”
And I thought he would never admit it or be brave enough to face his struggles. He runs away, so why is this conversation not over?
“Your eyes…” he started. “Your eyes look at me differently than any other eyes… and I know I treat you like I don’t care about you and I thought I didn’t but you’re- you’re-“ he gasped for air. “You’re everything!” He finally exploded. “You were always too good to me- I didn’t deserve that.”
“You did…” I cut it. “You deserved it back then when you didn’t treat me like shit, when we were just us and everything began- you deserved to be treated with kindness and respect, second chances even it is now that I agree that you don’t deserve the good I give you.”
“I didn’t think you’d leave. You said you’d be here.”
“I did…” I said mostly to myself than him. “You said a lot of things too… you said you’ll never let me go again…”
“I didn’t let you go- FOR FUCKS sake- come out!” He started to get angry.
“I’m afraid if I see you, I’ll just melt.”
“Then melt. Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours- let me- let me see you one more time, hear you- please, I don’t beg and you know that I don’t and… God… please…”
Silence. I am deciding.
“You’re my girl…” he said my nickname after, over and over again. He knows it’s special when he calls me after that. “You’ve always been my girl.” He smiles and I could see it through the telephone. “One last time… let me say goodbye…”
