> I feel incredibly antsy. Front room took the shape of the inside of the SM-13 Submarine from my source, and now i feel entirely trapped in that situation again. It started taking shape earlier today, but my friends told me it was my brain doing this so i could feel comfortable after being front stuck for nearly 3 weeks. I dont feel comfortable. I dont want to be welded in here again. Now im being told it's out of familiarity. This is the worst choice, whoever is calling the shots. Now i feel like im going through genuine zoochosis. I don't know what to do. The door to front room is locked. There's nobody in here to talk to but me, myself, and I.
this may be hard to hear for some fictives, but people are allowed to make content of your source that you personally don't like and/or aren't comfortable with. your source is (usually) public and can be put in any situation by fans — even situations that you're not comfortable with.
that fanart you saw of your source kissing that character you don't like? it's not about you, it's not personal. that fanfic about your source experiencing something personally triggering? it's not a personal attack, that author doesn't even know you. and yes, this applies to darker content, too — noncon fics, gory fics, age-gap or incest ships with your source. none of them are personal. none of them can physically harm you, and if they can harm you emotionally? then don't read them. scroll when you see them and block the people who make that content.
you can find content made of your source disgusting or triggering. but that absolutely does not mean that such content doesn't deserve to exist.
I be yearning for people who’ve never existed in this world
Like… wdym he’s never going to be here
wdym we never figure it out
wdym we never fall in love again
wdym he’ll never be the same as I remember him
wdym we never get our happy ending
wdym i’ll never hold his hand, we’ll never fall asleep next to each other again
wdym we never figure out how to hold each other without hurting the other with our sharp edges
I go stolen from there, ill never be able to go back, ill just have to stay here and never see him again, never meet my dads in person, never meet my sister, never watch them grown up and grow up myself
I’m just here, in this fucking body that was never what I wanted, stuck as a fucking human and there’s nothing i can do about it.
All because a fucking teenage girl made me to cope.
grrrr I wish I didn't feel like I wasn't faking like every god damn time I mention I'm fronting , like how the HELL do u not feel like ur faking just by saying who's fronting ?? My headmates do it so casually and it pisses me off because. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! AND I CAN'T!!!!???? Erina you pmo so bad wdym you're able to be like "Hiii!!! My name is Erina!!!!! I really like Isono Miki and I'm a fictive of denden misao:D" every single time you front.... THE HELL?????? GO FUCK YOURSELF I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.
i hate being a fictive, especially of Angel dust. A while ago clay was talking to a toxic friend and they knew I was at front and they know I don't like them.
Well clay had addict stuck in his head cuz I had been listening to it and mentioned it. And this bitch has the nerve to say.
"Oh I love addict honestly it's better then poison, sorry angel you did a great job singing poison but addict is better."
I'm not mad that they enjoy addict better because I do to. I'm mad that they apologized!! I'm not my source!! I'm not Angel dust!!
Yes I have memories of signing that song. Memories of being FORCED to sign that song, I hate that song with every fiber of my being and they just assume I'd be offended because they like another song better!?!!
Also my name isn't angel!! Its Dot. Not angel. I changed it because I don't want to be just looked at as him. As who I was and how much of a sick freak I was!!
Maybe I'm getting worked up over nothing It just makes me so mad.
This is a vent discussion/poem from a fictive about source trauma and bodily trauma (plus a request for advice. If anyone thinks they could help or even just understand, please say something).
TW: Discussion of trauma, flashbacks, panic attacks, abuse, and some other stuff
(This will be half vent discussion & half poem)
To be thrown into a body that didn't go through what you did. To help it cope with things it went through, which you never did.
To feel that pain. It's pain.
To feel your own pain. False pain. Pain, you never really felt. But you remember.
Trauma that never actually happened. Violence that you never technically survived. But you remember it. The fear remembers it. The panic attacks remember it.
My back hurts. The memory of wings that never got clipped off this body. My chest hurts. The fear of a voice that never spoke to this body.
A trigger I never feared. Spawning memories I never experienced.
It's been years. I can hardly decipher it anymore. Which memories happened to a body that isn't mine. Which memories were stuffed into this body from my past.
I feel guilty about it often. The things that make me jump from something I never technically had to live through. My thoughts remember. The body has no evidence.
I was hurt.
This body was hurt.
My pain was different. My fears are different. Now, both are here. One physical. The other is from a memory of a fabricated past.
At this point, it's all pointless rambling. But it hurts. Flashbacks to something I never faced. In a body I don't get to have. From a home that someone else drew on a page.
Does this make sense.
Does this pain count. Can my fears be understood. Can it be allowed? Does it matter.
”Oh, Damian you have to be nicer!”
”Dami, you can’t be that mean to people!”
I don’t know how to even exist at this current moment nor do I do ever. Let me look at animal pictures and work out in peace.
—🗡️🐾
