TW: passing suicide mention and school trauma.
So now, I talk about the stigma of this. Disregarding the stigma of being auto or just into yourself at all in general, there is a very distinct stigma around the experience of not wanting to romantically/sexually engage with anything that is sentient and rather has its own selfhood.
That’s why I mentioned Ruby Sparks as an example. Ruby Sparks is a commentary about love and how people idealize each other into caricatures and love that, rather than the actual person who inspired that creation in their head.
Calvin is a person who wants to date a real person, but he can’t handle a person having a real identity beyond what he wants them to be like. Of course these types of people are stigmatized because holding your partner to unrealistic standards and only accepting a perfect version of them is harmful.
However, Ruby Sparks was partly inspired by the Pygmalion myth which describes the kind of thing I’m talking about.
But to be more specific about the phenomenon I really am talking about, I’ll put here the lyrics to a song I love about a man and his love for his sex doll. Olivia, by Harley Poe:
"I got my figures on the wall,
Comics stacked up in the hall;
I got a movie in my DVD player
I got my music that I love,
And a girl sent from above
They seem so little next to her
Man, oh, man, I got no money,
Spend it all on my new honey
I got you, and you got me,
And that's all that we need
No one seems to understand me,
Lay there still, don't ever leave me
I feel inside you're all I have
And even though I can't converse with you,
There are so many other things that we can do
As you lay there lifeless on my bed,
You were never really livin', so you can't be dead!
You'll never die, so tears won't be shed
So you think that I'm so cool,
Not like I was back in school,
I didn't have a friend and everyone was mean
Introverted and I know it,
And I'm not afraid to show it,
'Cause there's no one here like me,
Man, oh, man, I can't relate
To others and it feels so great,
I don't need people, don't need friends,
Lovin' you, it must be sin,
I'm talkin' to myself again
That's okay, 'cause momma said
Olivia, you're not a real female,
Olivia, your skin it feels
Is where I got this great deal"
This song depicts a man who is introverted, asocial and dissatisfied with the way that people have treated him in the past. Rather than have a girlfriend, he much prefers a sex doll to be his companion.
And I know that these types of people—me being included in that group—are stigmatized unfairly. Of course there’s stigma surrounding being objectum, but I mean the inner workings behind why someone would prefer an object to a real person.
I know neurotypical, allistic society thinks that people are the ultimate panacea, but the truth is that people are difficult. People are hard to deal with, and as an extension, relationships are hard to make work.
But more than that, people are terrifying, especially for someone like me.
And when you have someone like me, who is afraid of relationships, the knee jerk reaction is to say that I just haven’t found my tribe yet, and once I do, all that fear will dissolve and I’ll be normal.
And yeah, maybe that’s right, but . . . Really, I don’t think it’s that big a deal if people want to be alone because they’re afraid.
I mean, to me it’s the same as people forcing autistic people to repeatedly be exposed to things that overstimulate them or cause them to meltdown so they can 'get used to it', but it only results in unnecessary hurt and trauma.
For someone like me, who is so incredibly drained by the slightest contact, even socializing with people I love is painful, sometimes physically painful. It drains me, and I only need more time alone after that, to recharge and gather my sanity.
It’s exhausting to socialize inherently, because I have only learned to socialize with people by masking. Even if I don’t do it very well, it still disconnects me from myself, and I don’t return to myself until I’m alone. And that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I am traumatized by the constant socialization I went through in school, among other things school put me through not related to socializing.
Meeting so many people, talking all the time, perpetually having to explain myself, being forced to work without pay while still being grovelingly respectful, being forced to be with people who's presence was the psychological equivalent to a blinding florescent light being blinked in your eyes at point blank range first thing in the morning on for six hours straight and still be expected to not show the evidences of my being blinded, to be fine and not want to off myself and do it all over again tomorrow . . . It tired me beyond words.
And that’s not counting my fear of being mistreated by people.
Everything about socializing is exhausting for me. Everything. Even with people I love and cherish. I live with my mom, and I would die for her a million times if I had to, and I still get tired A LOT.
I really, really wish I could just not talk unless it was completely necessary, all because of that. I have to preserve my ever-waning energy for other things, and I don’t want to waste it on talking, but I do anyway.
Nonverbal communication is somehow worse because I’m always second guessing myself and wondering what the hell they actually mean. And when it comes to eye contact and touching, I have my limits.
Everything about a romantic relationship or a sexual encounter is just plain nightmarish to me now. I’ve had my taste, and it was enough to know what I can handle at this point in my life, because I know who I am, no matter what people will tell me on the contrary.
It’s not just fear of rejection or laziness or not liking people, it’s about the great big conundrum of the entire thing. But people don’t think about that. To them, there is no valid reason to be asocial.
I don’t think that fearing relationships or just not being compatible with certain types of relationships and so preferring something safer and more comfortable is shameful or pathetic or sad or wrong. I think that it is completely valid and it should be respected.
And because I know myself and my own needs, I can recognize that there are some things that I should not do, like own a pet or have a child, because I am not responsible enough for it.
Having a relationship is another responsibility that I am not ready for in my life, and maybe I never will be ready for it, or maybe if I ever am, I won’t want to be in a relationship still. I am okay with all those outcomes.
But I am very glad for the fact that I am smart enough to know that the sort of responsibilities you take on in a relationship are not something I can healthily handle right now or perhaps ever. There are so many people in the world who bite off more than they can chew, and have to deal with the consequences for the rest of their life.
(As a sidenote, I personally think, there are some people in the world who just aren’t compatible with anyone at all. And sometimes there are people in the world who’s aloneness is rather a mercy to the rest of us.)
I’d like it if people would be more open to people who have social anxiety modifying the way they live their lives to be more comfortable and fulfilled, even if it tweaks time-honored traditions that are only acknowledged as existing in one form, like romantic relationships and sexual intercourse.
And I know that in the case of myself, using objects and characters is just another way I express love for myself, and I think that is beautiful. It gives me joy and satisfaction in my life to be able to love myself in so many different ways.
