This post is probably going to interest more women then men. You see, I’m 5"11 and have always been athletic. I loved running, biking and hiking. As a mom, I always kept my kids on the go. As a family we would have field days where we played games and I would drag them kicking and screaming and then of course they would go on about how much fun they had. Many of you may find this post shallow and superficial but my goal is to always be as transparent and honest as possible. When I first got diagnosed with TM in the fall of 2015 I wasn’t scared. Even though I was paralized from the waist down, I knew I would walk again and I would be healed and overcome this. My husband Ben of all people will vouch for this. Being paralized wasn’t an option. What I wasn’t prepared for was the journey my body would go through in order to walk again. From the fall 2015 to now (Feb 1st 2017) my body had been through pure torture. Medications, side effects, withdrawals, relapse, inflammation, weight gain, spams, and I could keep going on forever. Finally one day around the fall of 2016 (a year after starting this fight) I looked in the mirror and no longer recognized my own body. I had always been tall, lean, athletic and disciplined. As I looked in the mirror I saw a figure that looked 6 months pregnant due to intestinal inflammation, swollen and puffy from medications, dark circles around my eyes from exhaustion (because pain interrupts sleep), thinned eye brows…eye lashes…and hair due to medications, and even my figure nails were thin and frail. I was the same funny, outgoing, fighter on the inside but on the outside, something very different had taken place. The best way to describe it would be if you had brown hair and brown eyes and weighed 130lbs when you went to sleep. The next morning you wake up and find yourself with blonde hair, blue eyes and 250lbs. You are the same person in the shell but boy oh boy, your shell changed. My faith, physical excercise, and a balanced life style has always been my life. I’ve never known anything but that. Now, all of a sudden the rules have changed dramatically and no matter how much I prayed, my shell (body) wasn’t responding the way I wanted it to. Before, canoeing and going for a run was a good day. Now, if I was able to dress myself and walk that day, it was a good day. As people around me talked about how grateful I should be because I was walking, shallow and embarrassed, I didn’t feel grateful. You see, I expected to walk. Not walking wasn’t an option for me. What I didn’t expect was coming home from the hospital to someone else’s dressing closet. Who was this woman who had tailored business suits and work out gear? The woman who looked back at me in the mirror was always wearing bohemian dresses and pants now because they didn’t put pressure on her spine. The woman who owned this closet had an amazing collection of heels, accessories and purses. The woman who stood in this closet felt intimidated because all of these beautiful things were no longer apart of my world (for the time being). After crying and grieving the loss of the exterior part of my identity, I began the adventure of the fashion world while fighting TM. Anyone who has a loved someone fighting cancer, leukemia or TM can tell you that hope, confidence and humor are some of the staples of making it through (with your sanity intact). I’ve come to realize there are stages to the process. #1. You’re heartbroken because you liked who you were and your closet that came with it. After all, for many of us women, we have wonderful memories that come with our clothing and accessories. Then I moved on to level #2. Upset that no one told me from the beginning that my physical identity would be taken away. Of course my spiritual identity was growing stronger but at no point no one told me that my favorite pair of jeans and T-shirt should just go ahead and be donated. Then I moved on to #3. What could be salvaged? Instead of being the woman who cried in the dressing room because I refused to except my new swollen waist line, I decided to shop for new pieces of clothing and use as many accessories as I had. I know many of you reading this may be thinking, “well duh” but for an emotional woman who is adjusting to a new life style and a new body shape, this phase is not as simple as it sounds. So now I was at the stage of recreating my own style again. It’s just this time, my outfits would be more spine friendly. And then there is finally level #4. You make peace with the fact that your exterior shell has changed and instead of comparing yourself to who you use to be, embrace who God has allowed you to become for the season you are in. No, you probably won’t stay this way. Yes, you will have hard days. Yes, there will be days where you see a picture of who you use to be on the outside but keep telling yourself that you are on a journey. A journey that has phases. Phases of set backs and phases of moving forward. So instead of avoiding selfies and dodging family photos, I made a choice that in this phase of my journey I will embrace who God has allowed me to be. Swollen, puffy, dark eyes, fevers and all. Thankfully as a woman, we have all kinds of products to work with now days lol. Growing and learning as you face life doesn’t make you shallow but sinking into depression because you feel as if you’ve lost your physical identity is dangerous. Maybe you’re reading this and you just had a baby? Maybe you’re the spouse of someone who is facing this topic? Maybe you just got a medical diagnosis and you have no idea what to expect? I want to leave you with a few thoughts. 1. No matter where you’re at in your life, God is with you. You may not feel it but he hears your prayers and he’s there. 2. Life is always changing and it’s okay to admit sometimes that you’re not a fan of all the dips and circles that come with it. 3. Don’t compare who you are today to who you were last year. Mentally, spiritually or physically. Embrace who you are today. Flaws and all. (I know this seems a little, “well duh” but we all need to be reminded.) 4. It’s okay to recreate who you are. If your facing a situation where you feel like life is making changes for you, start taking control back. Even if it’s just buying a new shade of red lipstick and the awesome earings. Confidence is beautiful! 5. You’re not alone. No matter what phase you are going through in life, there are others going through similar situations. They may not be openly talking about it but they are there. 6.Last but not least, every chance you get compliment yourself and those around you. Choose to use your words to empower and build yourself and others up. So your eyeliner looks like a raccoon today, so what. Compliment the girl at the check out line on her earings. You never know how bad she needs a kind word. Thankfully I have 2 teenage daughters and a thoughtful husband who support me, love me and they tell me when I’m sporting something that doesn’t make the cut. Lol They are also there to encourage me, compliment me and cheer me on too.
