I’ve been up since 3:30am. I didn’t realize just how much this week has gotten to me until I started reading a Buzzfeed article that was supposed to be one of those feel good lists of super chill brides on their wedding day. Then I read the second to last story.
Y’all, I can’t stop crying and I don’t mean in a good way. I’ve been in tears for the last 20 minutes because this story reminded me that I won’t get to have this. My sister and my cousins did, but not me.
It makes me feel like the most massive failure in my family. Out of the 6 of us grandkids, I’m the only one who won’t have our grandparents at her wedding, if I ever even get married at all.
I feel like I’ve failed my family, more so myself, because I’m so fucked up. I’m the black sheep, the queer, the mentally ill one who has basically ruined her life due to internalized self hatred, low self esteem, and practically nonexistent self worth.
This entire week has reminded me of that. When we FaceTimed my grandpa for the last time, he didn’t even remember me. He kept asking for my sister. I can’t even begin to explain how much that hurt, how small and insignificant and invisible it made me feel. And I know I shouldn’t be angry or bitter about it, but I am. I am and I feel so ashamed.
And then last night with all the stupid fucking technical issues and basically getting shut out by everyone until after it had ended, well, I can say without a doubt that this is the lowest I’ve felt since September.
I just feel like the universe hates me. I feel like suffering is all I’ll ever know. I feel stupid for getting my hopes up. I feel even stupider to think anyone actually gives a shit about me.
And before you go and hit that reply button or DM me, think about what you’re doing. Think about what you’re going to say and push it out of your head because, honestly, are you going to talk to me again after you’ve made some sweeping platitudes about how I’m actually a great person and that you care? Because if you’re not, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t want another empty promise, another reason to get my hopes up.
So please, do me a favor. After you’ve read this, if you even read it at all, ignore it. Forget I wrote it. Forget me and go on with your life. I’ll be fine. I just need to get the feelings out before they overwhelm me and shove me back into the dark place again.
