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After a particularly messy monster kill:

Jaskier: *blasts Geralt with a hose*

Geralt: *bites water like a dog*

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Headcanon that Lambert eats random things. Half the time it’s by accident. He self soothes by sucking or chewing on things. Rocks, sticks, and such. But sometimes when he sees something he wants to steal but doesn’t want to get caught, he’ll swallow it. Jewelry and coin he finds laying around randomly in homes and such. Later when he’s safe, he’ll vomit the goods back up. And like, he’s really good at this!

Lambert: *Vomits and reveals a gold necklace*

Geralt: The fuck did I just witness?

Eskel: Thats just not right.

Vesimir: Where did I go wrong?

Jaskier: I’m gonna be sic- wait a minute! Is that mine!?

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Not a single Witcher from the School of the Wolf can communicate. All they know is Kaer Morhen, polish their swords, be bisexual, eat hot chip, and call on the Law of Surprise.