Title: Find Us(Finale)
Summary: What will happen now that Ivar has accepted his past actions.
Pairing: Ivar x Reader
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six,Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven
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Ivar physically felt like he had been hit with a wrecking ball. His head was throbbing, his legs could have been set on fire and he would be relieved if they burned to ashes. In his chest his heart was trying to beat its way out of him.
All that physical pain didn’t hold a candle to how his mind was screaming at him.
YOU’RE A FILTHY CRIPPLE! A MURDERER! YOU KILLED A CHILD, YOUR OWN BROTHER AND THOUSANDS MORE!
It was world shattering to behold his own actions.
‘How does it feel?’
‘Like shit.’ he replied.
There was an amused breath of laughter from the now younger looking viking.
‘I closed off the connection before it got to the end, I wanted to explain it first. That way you could decide if you wanted to see it.’
‘Why, is it worse than killing my own brother.’
‘That depends on you.’
He wasn’t sure if it was the way his doppelganger said it, or if it was the weird energy around those words that made him brace himself for a powerful blow.
‘When I was younger than you are now, I had lost my father. He left his family behind and we didn’t see him for years. Then he came back and I tagged along on his suicide mission, that was where it all started.’ the ghost started.
Ivar moved so that he could sit with his legs out in front of him to relieve the pain in his knees and noticed that he was sitting almost mirrored to his own ghost.
‘When what started?’
‘That was my second birth, when I realized that Ivar the Boneless was not just an insult my father chose to mark me with, but a name that could strike fear into the hearts of enemies. I suggested the Great Army and I won truly amazing battles, I felt like I could not lose.’
‘How did it go wrong?’ Ivar asked.
‘It started with my brothers, after I-’ the viking seemed to want to stop speaking but he visibly forced himself to keep going.
‘After I killed Sigurd things weren’t the same between my brothers and me, so I focused on my own ambitions. So much so that I began to push them away from me. In a few years we went from taking over England together to warring against each other.’
Ivar tried to imagine his brothers, his brothers he loved almost suddenly looking at him with malice, he thought of Sigurd not being there.
‘I’m not sure when I stopped sacrificing to the Gods, or when I started to put too much faith in my own importance but once I realized it it was too late. I was losing battle after battle, I couldn’t find supporters or men willing to fight beside me, all at once it seemed my Gods had abandoned me.’
‘Why would they? You-I was awful.’
‘I was, and I couldn’t swallow my pride and admit it.’
‘So why then? Why marry that Christian girl, Wilda. Why all of this? Why did you have to drag (Y/N) into this?’ Ivar snapped tiredly.
‘I didn’t want to, believe me boy, I never wanted another person to feel like I did. Live the way I did and hurt so much. When I consulted the Seer I accepted all my fault and was prepared for my damned after life, but then it wasn’t just me.’
‘Your family?’
‘My family. I had upset the Gods so much so that my entire family was cursed, even the family that wasn’t blood.’
‘Who else? How many of us are here because of your selfishness?’
‘My mentor Floki, his lovely wife Helga, my most loyal friends Herald Finehair and his brother Halfdan. Even Lagertha, that bitch first wife of my Father’s and her daughter...I can never remember her name.’
‘Her name was Gida.’ Ivar provided, shocked at just how truly self important he had once been in a past life.
The ghost looked mildly surprised and leaned forward a bit to look closer at his reincarnation
‘I never met my Gida, and I can’t imagine you met yours.’
‘No, she died too young but she was my sister just the same as Bjorn is my brother. It’s only right to love her, or at the very least respect her memory.’
The ghost smiled as he reclined once more.
‘You really are a better me than I ever could have been, and when the day comes for it I will be eager to hear your tales in Valhalla.’
Ivar blinked a few times to process this new bit of information.
‘Valhalla? I can’t go there I’m-I’m not a warrior, I’m not gonna die in a battle am I?’ he panicked picturing what manner of death would be required of him to enter the great hall.
‘Who knows? It doesn’t matter, you have already earned your seat there of course you may deny it. If you’d rather sing disgusting Christian songs in Heaven, so be it.’
Ivar had a million things to say and a billion questions to ask but one question was so important that it immediately overthrew everything in his world.
‘What will happen to (Y/N) now?’ he asked.
‘Nothing, no harm will befall her, she will be protected and blessed by the Gods as will her family for as long as she lives. They are being very generous with her, considering how much was required of her when she wasn’t one of their believers.’
‘Good she deserves it. She deserves more for even thinking about doing something like that after the way you treated her.’ Ivar said, gasping at the sound of his own words.
As soon as he had heard it a memory took hold of his mind.
There she was, same eyes, nose and mouth he had seen when he first met her, but different.
Younger.
She was small and skinny and looked exhausted, her dress was ragged and covered in small rag patches. Looking at her he would think her to be either an average twelve year old or a small fourteen year old.
She was mixing something in a small clay bowl, her hands shaking horrendously.
‘Hurry up, my wounds will already be infected by the time you get done at that pace!’ he shouted, making her jump at his loud voice.
‘I’m trying your majesty.’ she said quickly.
‘No you aren’t! I bet you can’t wait for me to die huh? Maybe you’d prefer to wait, watch this wound fester huh?’ he continued as he crawled toward her quickly.
She tried to scramble away but she wasn’t fast enough, he caught her ankle.
‘Maybe you’ll make it faster if you have your own wounds to heal Christian Girl.’
He felt a terrible cold on his leg and jerked to look down at what caused it; a hand, wrapped in an old brown leather fingerless glove.
‘I don’t think now is the time to go looking through all your new memories just yet.’ his ghost said as the hospital’s mens bathroom came back into focus.
Ivar shook as his whole body seemed to recover from a massive chill he had been too overwhelmed to notice.
‘You are right, I was cruel to her, even as a child. Imagine how insulted I was when my brother suggested she be the one I tied my fate to. Of course I had no arguments, the circumstances as they were I had no choice. I needed a woman that I’d hated and who hated me in turn and she had to be outside of my faith. She couldn’t be a Viking woman because she couldn’t know what the consequences would be if all went wrong.’
‘She had denied, when you asked, everytime you asked. You couldn’t force her, she had to be willing. She only went along when your brothers asked her and assured her their protection from you.’
Before his ghost could say anything there was a sound of running in the hallway outside the restroom.
‘We won’t have too much time left now, maybe the Gods will let me visit your dreams every few years.’
Ivar looked at the door in confusion but turned back to his ghost.
‘Before I go on, I want you to know that your feelings have nothing to do with me or Wilda. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. I also want to ask one last thing of you; tell Sigurd I’m sorry. Tell all of them I’m sorry.’
‘Where the hell is he?!’ it was Sigurd’s voice, Ivar could hear him running toward the bathroom.
Feeling a sudden need to hurry and ask one last question he looked to his ghost.
‘What do I do now?’
‘Live. Live better than me and never make my mistakes.’ was all he said as he smiled encouragingly.
‘Ivar! What the hell happened to you?!’ Sigurd gasped as he ran to Ivar’s side to help him up.
I took my meds on an empty stomach on top of over the counter ibuprofen.’ Ivar lied smoothly as he got back on his feet.
He glanced at the spot where his ghost had been but he was not surprised to see that he had vanished.
‘What the hell were you thinking? As if we weren’t worried enough about (Y/N) already.’
Normally Ivar would argue, he and Sigurd always found something to pick at each other about but he couldn’t imagine fighting with his brother right now.
Not after he had just seen himself kill him.
Before he could even think about it he was pulling Sigurd into a tight hug. Even when the older brother tensed up he refused to let go.
‘I love you Sigurd, never forget that? No matter what; I love you, and I’m sorry. You will never understand how sorry I am for the things I’ve done.’ Ivar said as he buried his face into his brother’s shoulder.
Almost nervously Sigurd returned the hug, giving Ivar’s back a few awkward pats.
‘I love you too, dumbass, and whatever you’re apologizing for is forgiven. However; as fun as this is, we need to clean you up fast.’
Ivar pulled back and was shocked to find that he needed to wipe away tears. He glanced at his reflection and winced at his own image.
His skin was pale and mouth and chin were covered in blood from his nosebleed.
‘Crap.’ he said as he grabbed some napkins to clean his face.
‘Why were you looking for me?’ he asked Sigurd.
‘(Y/N) woke up.’
‘What?’ Ivar said eagerly, nearly knocking Sigurd over in his haste to get to (Y/N)’s room.
‘Hold on you still like a horror movie disc cover!’ his brother yelled as he chased after him.
In the back of his mind he took into consideration his brother’s comment but he couldn’t care less about his appearance right now. He barely cared about anything but (Y/N) at this very moment; he didn’t care that the doctors would surely want to check over him once they saw his bloody face, he had to see her first.
He ran through the halls as fast as his metal legs would allow him to and when he finally saw the door he somehow ran faster towards it.
‘(Y/N)!’ Ivar cried as soon as he reached the doorway.
Everyone in the hospital room jumped, none of them expecting such a sudden and loud entry.
There was Helga on the right side of the bed who was checking her blood pressure and Halfdan was there on the left and appeared to be asking (Y/N) questions about how she was feeling.
When (Y/N)’s eyes met his they went wide and watery.
‘Ivar.’ she sobbed as she got out of the bed, ignoring Helga’s protest as she did so.
She threw her arms around him in a grip that was surprisingly tight, but Ivar returned it almost tenfold. He closed his eyes and tried to memorize everything about this moment. The way she fit into his arms perfectly, how she smelled and even the way her tears felt as they hit his shirt.
‘You did it.’ she said softly, her voice muffled as her face was pressed into his chest.
‘I had to, it was for you.’ he said, just as quietly as he pulled back to look at her.
Well he had intended to anyway; as soon as he pulled out of their hug (Y/N) had pulled him in, but not for another hug.
This time it was a kiss.
An honestly rather bad one if he was honest; it tasted like blood and tears and she was still partially sobbing. All that aside it felt so much better than any kiss he’d ever had in his life, it felt right.
‘Excuse me!’
The two of them were startled apart by Halfdan’s angry voice and turned to see the doctor was red in the face and looked ready to thrash the both of them.
Instantly he caught a glimpse as the doctor in his past life as a viking and for a second he was concerned he might actually have a sword in his doctor’s coat.
‘As lovely as it is to see young love, this is still a hospital and Miss (Y/L/N) needs to be examined at once to determine the cause of her being braindead less than an hour ago so if you could let me have my patient back please.’ the doctor almost seethed as a vein bulged on his forehead.
‘O-of course, my apologies.’ Ivar apologized as he reluctantly let go of (Y/N).
‘We’ll talk later.’ she said quietly before he turned to leave the room.
In the end neither of them knew that “later” would mean nearly a month.
Things were very hellish and chaotic once (Y/N) was awake; of course her family were ecstatic and they didn’t want to ever let her out of their sight again after nearly losing her. She had been surprised to find out that what she thought was no more than a dream during a sleep study ended up being three days of being braindead.
Ivar also had a bit of a time explaining to a doctor that his nose was bleeding because he mixed strong painkillers with over the counter ones that doubled as a blood thinner and could cause excessive bleeding.
They chewed him out professionally for a while, then they let his parents know and they did it a bit less professionally as his mother was a mess of tears as she scolded him for his recklessness. Ragnar had to escort her out of the hospital to gather herself but he also made sure to let Ivar know he was disappointed in his actions.
Of course Ivar felt like crap for worrying his family like this when they should all be celebrating (Y/N)’s recovery. Still; none of those feelings held a candle to his guilt for having cursed his family and friends.
After accepting his past life it was as if every moment he wasn’t actively fighting against them he was catching glimpses of his past life. He could see his family as Vikings; see his brothers staring at him with hate in their eyes, his mother’s familiar pitying eyes and his father looking at him with borderline disgust.
With the knowledge of his past crimes against them now fresh in his mind he was making it his mission to apologize to all of them, despite none of them knowing what he was apologizing to them for. He also swore off all selfishness and selfish actions.
He gave even more to charity, and was looking into strong activist organizations that he would volunteer for in the summer and also had plans to form his own once he was older.
Of course all of that meant a lot to him, but more importantly it all kept him busy.
All he wanted to do was be at (Y/N)’s side, he wanted to tell her what had happened in that hospital restroom and what he learned about the events that lead them here. Of course he couldn’t take away from her time with her family after such a tragic event, so he would just have to wait for things to calm down and for the two of them to have time alone to talk.
(Y/N)’s POV
Eventually after two weeks of being put through what to you felt like a million tests on everything from your brain to your blood the doctors simply had to accept that there was no explanation for your brain dead state. You would be going in for biweekly check ups just in case for about six months as a precaution, but you were finally allowed to leave the hospital.
Your family was happy to have you home again, your mother smothering you, your father absolutely spoiling you rotten, all six of your siblings were clinging onto their oldest sister and were eager to help wherever they could even if it ended in annoying arguments between all seven of you.
In the end your father had spent all the money he could afford while being financially sound, so he and his wife and kids had to return home so he could continue working. Two weeks after their departure your mother had used the last of her vacation days and she too had to return to her job.
At last you were given the green light to go back to school.
You never thought you would be happy to be waking up at seven in the morning and practically skipped to school.
Obviously you weren’t actually excited about class but you were aching to see Ivar, all you had been thinking about in your few moments of peace was him.
Ivar Ragnarson, Ivar the Boneless...your Ivar.
The one who you had kissed.
You still couldn’t believe you had the nerve to do that, and you were nervous about seeing how he felt about that. However your nervousness took the back burner to how badly you needed to talk to him.
He needed to know about your talk with Wilda, which of course you had told no one about when answering all the doctors’ questions. This information was only for you and Ivar, you wouldn’t think of talking about it with anyone else.
At school you were happy to find no one had been told of the cause of your absence, so there was no awkward moment when you arrived.
Everything was normal, until you got to your locker.
‘(Y/N)!’ all five Ragnarson sons cheered as you approached.
Sigurd, Hvitserk, Ubbe, Ivar and even Bjorn had been waiting for you.
‘Hey!’ you smiled brightly as you walked over to them.
‘Nice to finally meet you formally. I’m Bjorn Ragnarson, hopefully I’ll be teaching you Chemistry two next year.’ the eldest introduced himself formally at last.
your feelings for Ivar aside, Bjorn still remained a very, VERY attractive teacher and just him acknowledging your existence made your face a bit red.
‘Hopefully.’ you blushed.
‘Stop it.’ Ivar said as he thumped your forehead.
‘Ow.’ you pouted, looking fully at Ivar for the first time.
If you thought you were red before now you were practically steaming like a teapot.
‘I didn’t do anything.’ you mumbled as you quickly looked away.
‘You thought it.’ he said.
‘Thought what?’ Bjorn asked in confusion.
‘Nothing.’ Ivar snapped.
‘Calm down. Jealousy is an ugly color on you Ivy.’ Hvitserk teased.
‘Besides, it's only gonna get worse, cause we are all gonna hug our friend now.’ Ubbe said as he pulled you into a hug.
The hug soon devolved into an ungodly barely standing dog pile of limbs as every brother threw their arms around you as Ivar tried to pull them off of her.
‘Alright, fall back before you put her back in a hospital bed.’ Ivar complained.
At last you were freed from the forest of limbs as they backed away.
‘Never make us worry like that again. It’s already giving me wrinkles and I’m gonna need to put a lot of extra care into my skin to recover.’ Hvitserk said dramatically.
‘My apologies for my crimes.’ you bowed in turn.
‘Apologize at your party, this Friday. I’ll text you the details later.’ Ubbe said.
‘Party?’
‘It’s not a party; just us, our family, your family, a few of the nurses from the hospital and the Finehairs gathering in a venue to celebrate your active brainwaves. Also my band may make a quick appearance if you’re into that sort of thing.’ Sigurd said, rushing out the last part quickly.
‘That sounds like a party.’ you replied.
‘A family friendly gathering and everything is already planned, I just need your say so for everyone to let my band play the event for our music video.’ Sigurd confessed.
‘Keep me off camera and it’s deal Snake.’ you agreed.
‘Yay.’ Ivar, Ubbe and Hvitserk said dully.
‘Be nice, I love your music Sigurd. Now all of you off to class; bell’s gonna ring soon.’ Bjorn instructed before bidding all the students farewell and making his way to his own classroom.
The upperclassmen left, still speaking of the party plans leaving you and Ivar alone at last.
‘So…’ you said as you realized the hallway crowd was thinning out.
‘So.’ Ivar repeated as he also stood still, waiting for the hallway to empty completely before he spoke.
‘I have a lot to tell you.’ you both said at the same time.
‘Ladies first.’ Ivar insisted.
‘I wasn’t brain dead. I mean that’s what the doctors say I was, but to me it was just like a dream; one of my Viking dreams. But this was different, The Seer, the one with no eyes, he wasn’t there, and neither were you. This time it was Wilda; it was me and she was older and Ivar, she spoke to me.’
‘She spoke to you?’ Ivar asked.
‘Yes, directly to me just like I’m talking to you; no riddles or puzzles, just clear talk. She told me what happened, or what she understood at least. Ivar we weren’t the first reincarnations, there were so many others, some never even met, the incomplete connection drove them mad. The ones that did could never get it right, they rejected their truths and it cost them their lives.’ you said.
Ivar leaned against the lockers as he processed the information.
‘There were others.’ he said, closing his eyes.
‘I remember them too now.’
‘What?’ you gasped.
‘I met him; Ivar the Boneless, the night I took you in for the study. Just popped into existence in the waiting room. He tried to speak with me, to make me see myself in him and I refused.’ he answered.
‘Then what happened?’ you asked.
‘The doctor told me you were brain dead, and I knew it was my fault.’
‘It wasn’t.’ you tried to console him as you stood beside him and leaned against the locker as well.
‘It was, and you know it too. You could have died. Hell, you already have several times and each time it had been my fault. Because I am selfish. I know that now and it caused so much pain for so many innocent people and as bad as I feel for those people I feel the worse for doing it to you.’
You looked up and saw tears on Ivar’s red cheeks, instinctively you took hold of his hand and interlocked your fingers.
‘I remember it all, everything. I remember Wilda and I was cruel to her, I hurt her and I remember the other lives and how many times I chose to let you die for my selfishness.’ he finished, wiping his eyes with his free hand.
You released his hand and took hold of his face with both hands now, making him keep eye contact with you.
‘Listen to me, and I need you to believe what I am saying because I mean it. I, (Y/N), reincarnation of Wilda the Saxxon woman, forgive you Ivar, reincarnation of Ivar the Boneless. I forgive all your deeds against me.’
‘I can’t take your guilt, and you can’t forget or change your past; but I can forgive you and thank you for saving my current life, and you can make your own future and earn your own forgiveness.’ you said firmly.
Bright blue eyes filled with tears as they looked directly into your own teary (Y/E/C) ones and again let your body lead itself to where it wanted to be, into his arms.
His body seemed to be doing the same as his hands went readily around your waist to keep you close to him.
‘You can forgive me?’ he asked, placing his forehead against yours.
‘I was never angry with you, but I will forgive you everyday forever if you want me to.’
‘Forever is a long time, think a friendship can last that long?’
‘It could...but not ours, that friendship is over for me.’ you smiled.
‘Really?’ Ivar grinned down at you happily.
‘Yeah.’
This time Ivar pulled you into the kiss; this time it was perfect, it was a new beginning for you and Ivar.
More than that it was an ending; an ending to a story that began with a Selfish Cripple and a Christian Girl.
