Trigger warning ahead: Many of you know that I have Hidradenitis suppurativa, Stage 3. It's a chronic autoimmune disease with no cure. It has been untreated my whole life. It started when I was eight years old. My groin and thighs are chronically covered with abscesses. My father would restrain me and stab thumb tacks into the boils before he raped me. Nothing helps this pain. My past partners would tease and shame me about my HS. This disease carries so much trauma with it. I have never had surgical intervention, until this weekend. Some of my abscesses grew to the size of golf balls and baseballs. For the past week I have been violently ill and it got to the point where I couldn't walk because of the pain. It was so hard to seek medical help. I knew they needed to be lanced and would require antibiotics. The procedure was horrible, my body powers through anesthesia. So, I felt everything. The doctor admitted me for the weekend. I was treated with multiple IV antibiotics. The cultures revealed that I have MRSA and a whole host of other bacterial infections. I was discharged. Today my fever spiked so high that I was hallucinating and couldn't stop sweating and shaking. I had to take another ambulance ride to the ER. I almost didn't come back. I thought that I should just be strong and power through it. I am learning not to listen to that bullshit. Logic is my friend. And logic told me that if I kept letting this go, especially while being on chemotherapy - I was risking my life. I was right, but it took so much courage to make this step. I hurt in every way now, the flashbacks, the pain, and the toll this takes; it hurts so fucking much. I need total reconstructive surgery and skin grafting on my groin. That will be one of my next major surgeries. And classes started this week. I am so lonely, sad, and overwhelmed. 😓 #spoonielife #butyoudontlooksick #chronicillnesswarrior #chronicpainwarrior #surgeryrecovery #emergencyroom #aloneforever #hospitalselfie #Paintudes #selfiemode #chemo #trigeminalneuralgia #hannahcrazyhawk #crohns #rheumatoidarthritis #chronicallyill #autoimmune #ptsdawareness #baldisbeautiful #spooniewarrior #hidradenitissuppurativa (at Eugene, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/CJsNOF5lNh3/?igshid=1j3w80akbqgkw
